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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: Was it real?  (Read 362 times)
LostInMind

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken Up
Posts: 6


« on: April 09, 2021, 12:44:01 PM »

Hi all, I have been following these boards and felt to post my story for some help. I cannot work out what has happened to me, and if I was in a relationship with a borderline, whether it was a normal relationship that just didn't work and went sour, or if indeed I am the Borderline.

So: I was in a relationship with my ex for nearly 3 years, we both had a crappy and abusive relationship before meeting. She was awesome and made me feel like I could love and trust again. Things were amazing for the first 5 months - but then something traumatic happened, she went in to a depressive episode, we lived apart, and then she cheated and broke off with me.

Because I genuinely loved her I stuck it out trying to help her rebuild. We reconciled in Sept 2019 and dated fine for a few months, there were tensions and arguments, push/pull behaviours, then she broke it off, told me she met someone and had moved on. Devastated I tried but she contacted less than a month later saying she had been messed around and she realised she loved me. 3 more months of her saying she doesn't know what she wants, we get back together around Summer 2020 and then in Nov she tells me she has cheated again and that we need to break up whilst she works out what she wants. But we stayed FwB for months after and the dynamic felt the same as our relationship. Last week she tells me she has met someone new and moved on, cut me off and ghosted me. Exactly a year after the last time. Since I have worked out where she has been lying to me and simultaneously seeing the new guy for 2 months. Other things I've worked out since are her rages and drunken meltdowns where she asked why I hadn't left and that they all leave in the end. I didn't understand but would make sense under the prism of BPD.

So am I crazy, is it just a relationship that we tried and failed at, am I the one with BPD (I struggle to let go in relationships and should have walked away long ago but felt couldn't be on my own and also because I loved her more than anyone)? Also, I am struggling to move on because I've been conditioned to expect her to return (why the hell would I want her to). This time feels different tho, she has said and made efforts to push me away and break up with her for a couple of months until she did it?

I wrote a letter to let her know if she is ever in that dark situation again where she breaks down in tears and feels alone to reach out, despite everything she has done I would still be an emotional crutch for her. I don't intend to send it but know I probably will during a weak moment.

Apologies if I am ranting, left of info, or if I'm wasting everyone's time. Its not felt right and I need to express whats going on inside me emotionally as I have nobody else to talk to. I don't even know what I want, do I want to move on and put it behind me, or hope for a reconciliation and help her. I think we all know what should happen, and what is likely to happen, both the same outcome but I just need to learn to accept it!

I feel embarrassed, emasculated, angry, humiliated, sad, but strangely determined.

Any other info or questions people want to ask, then please feel free.
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« Reply #1 on: April 09, 2021, 02:24:22 PM »

if I was in a relationship with a borderline, whether it was a normal relationship that just didn't work and went sour, or if indeed I am the Borderline.

the short answer is that you had a troubled, rocky, and turbulent relationship that was always an uphill battle. that wont tell you whether your ex had bpd or not, but it will help you explore how things broke down, and detach.

youre in good company. my relationship was just shy of 3 years, and likewise, my ex had found a backup relationship a month or two we broke up.

Excerpt
Things were amazing for the first 5 months - but then something traumatic happened, she went in to a depressive episode, we lived apart, and then she cheated and broke off with me.

what happened?
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
LostInMind

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken Up
Posts: 6


« Reply #2 on: April 09, 2021, 02:45:25 PM »

It was definitely rocky as it went on, she wasn't happy and checked out, although didn't want to leave after the break up choosing to string me along whilst she found a replacement.

But its just other things that strike me: it was really intense from the off, an emotional rollercoaster, she made me feel safe and able to trust more than had to anyone ever, had great times in each others company and really good quality frequent sex. Then there are the wild mood swings, the push pull (I love you, I need you to distant/cold and back again), general negativity, the patterns of behaviour, the cheating, the feeling I was being deceived, the immense sense of shame after I forgave her.

Then there were the really epic and angry meltdowns when she was drunk, with her talking a lot of what seemed like incomprehension. They would come from nowhere during a good night. She did it once in the middle of a drinks party with my housemates, they could all hear and made comments to me afterwards. She knew she had a problem, she mentioned it to me during the drunken switches and told me it happens in every relationship and I'm the only one who has managed to stay. Missed that red flag. But I stayed because I loved her for real even though my instinct told me I was dealing with dysfunctional pathological behaviour of some kind.

Towards the end she told me she thought she was worthless, she couldn't understand why I wanted her, that I was better off meeting someone else. Now I'm a trigger and persona non grata to her now.

Sorry, I'm ranting, I've got nobody to talk to about this and I've only recently realised how reliant I was on her emotionally.

The traumatic incident was she got pregnant about 4 months in. She didn't think she could have kids and one night she essentially gave me code to not pull out as it were for the 1st time. We had few housing issues and then she lost it about 3 months in to the pregnancy and just fell to pieces. The only thing she really wants is to have a child and be a mother, so it hit her hard.
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« Reply #3 on: April 09, 2021, 03:54:04 PM »

Not sure on the BPD part, but I can tell you that when you allow a woman to walk all over you like that, they lose all respect for you. In the future it would be advisable to work on some healthy boundaries and enforce them, so women will respect you. Then you will get the love you deserve.
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LostInMind

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken Up
Posts: 6


« Reply #4 on: April 09, 2021, 04:10:20 PM »

Thank you for some clarity.

So the patterns of behaviour are innocuous and probably my own fault? Enabling or just a weak person?

Presumably the lose of respect is the loss of the relationship too
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« Reply #5 on: April 09, 2021, 05:02:13 PM »

The traumatic incident was she got pregnant about 4 months in.
...
We had few housing issues and then she lost it about 3 months in to the pregnancy and just fell to pieces.

traumatic incidents like that in a relationship are huge blows. some relationships dont make it out of them...there are similar stories here that involve miscarriages, abortions, etc.

Excerpt
she cheated and broke off with me.

Because I genuinely loved her I stuck it out trying to help her rebuild. We reconciled in Sept 2019 and dated fine for a few months, there were tensions and arguments, push/pull behaviours, then she broke it off,

on again/off again relationships, cheating, these are all things that are really hard to come back from...the more they happen, the more the relationship breaks down.

this, unfortunately, sounds like its just the way she is, the way she copes with relationships and relationship turmoil. you had a really uphill battle. 

Excerpt
So the patterns of behaviour are innocuous and probably my own fault? Enabling or just a weak person?

i dont think anyone is saying this.

we cant diagnose your ex partner. bpd is a very complex, complicated disorder, and its on a spectrum. most of our ex partners would not meet the clinical threshold, but had traits. and the thing is, it only takes a splash of bpd to make for a very difficult person to love. there are plenty of things you describe that tick off "bpdish" boxes.

this article may help: https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-borderline-personality-disorder

at the same time, one person alone cant have a dysfunctional relationship. in the final stages of detaching, there is a lot that can be learned, to take into future relationships.

Excerpt
Sorry, I'm ranting, I've got nobody to talk to about this and I've only recently realised how reliant I was on her emotionally.

we are all here because we struggle, or struggled, with the ending of our relationships. i didnt have anyone either at the time, and this place was my lifeline ten years ago. grab your recovery by the horns. make good use of the support this place can offer. ask questions. join in in the threads of others. you dont have to do this alone, and it will pay enormous dividends in your recovery.
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Mr. Kelly
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 217


« Reply #6 on: April 09, 2021, 05:05:51 PM »

I feel very sorry for what you are going through. I can relate. My situation isn’t nearly as turbulent as yours, but I have been broken up with, insulted and demeaned probably 10 times over the last year.

We had just gotten through our longest stretch in this whole past year, and things were actually going fairly well, and then I was in a crabby mood one night and barked at her, literally with one comment, and then I barked at her again at dinner in front of her friends, and that was pretty much it.

I have been trying to slowly take a step back with her and just talk to her occasionally and get a feel for whether she wants to keep trying. I am expecting to have a call with her in just a little while where I am almost expecting that she will tell me she needs to break up again and that it is final. I’ve heard that many times before, though. This one seems the most convincing, though.

So, some important things to consider about our girls… They are incapable of truly understanding how their behavior affects the people that are around them. They aren’t choosing to be who they are and do what they do. Just like we don’t.

All the analyzing in the world isn’t going to change what these girls do and how they respond to crisis. We can only change how we manage those episodes, and whether we have the capacity to really do so.

I have no doubt that your lady friend cared for you and loved you. That sounds obvious.  That kind of care and love doesn’t come easily for many traumatized people, and I think that your girlfriend probably has no capacity to truly believe that she could sustain such a relationship, and even if she did, she would probably self-destruct and be miserable. I think that’s why a lot of girls like her do rebound relationships so well. They don’t have to be truly emotionally invested into them.

I don’t think there’s a single thing that you can do in your situation, other than back off and let her be. If the powers that be are destined for her to return, she will, and you will be much better off and more equipped to handle the PLEASE READ storms that will follow.

All the best, and keep us in touch.
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LostInMind

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken Up
Posts: 6


« Reply #7 on: April 09, 2021, 05:24:52 PM »

Thank you for your kind words once removed

That is an informative article but I am just more confused. We both knew something wasn't right (and I assumed traits of something, and I knew she had documented problems with depression and trauma from a previous bf trying to rape her).

Communication was a big issue on both sides but she said she could never open up whenever I raised what was a legitimate concern because she was worried about upsetting me. But then it's not all her fault, I could have been more attentive but it was draining!

Maybe I'm just weirdly hoping she is disordered as it would be easier to accept and justify than if it is just a simple case of her being a bad person taking advantage, and me too scared to leave because of my own issues.  Paragraph header  (click to insert in post)

Oh I think she said some bad stuff about me to her parents and close friends after the 2nd break up (the 1st time she "moved on" with someone else). They went from telling me how I was the best boyfriend she had to hating me and stopping her from seeing me. When we together any time after she would pretend I wasn't there when they phoned or not tell them I was her companion when she was telling them about things she was doing. Another red flag that I was being strung along for months and months really.

I'm just confused if she is coming back or not. I've become so accustomed to her doing so. But this feels different this time and she is happy again. Good luck to her, and the new guy who has to deal with constant ups and downs. Interested how well he will handle the first few drunken meltdowns.
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LostInMind

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken Up
Posts: 6


« Reply #8 on: April 09, 2021, 05:32:40 PM »

Hi Mr Kelly. Thank you.

I think its the conditioning of expecting a return. Reading your post I know what I logically would advise, but I wouldn't never advise because I am not applying to my own scenario. You have to ask yourself if you are happy to keep on reconciling and what it will do to the quality of the relationship? In my own case I know its detrimental and will make me unhappy but I would still reply to a text or a request to meet out of curiosity.

I know she isn't coming back this time, I have been ghosted and she has met someone new. I could see the resentment building and the love leaving her daily for a few months, weird that she slept with me a few days before cutting the cord and announce she is moving on to the new guy. Hurts a bit.
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LostInMind

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken Up
Posts: 6


« Reply #9 on: April 10, 2021, 07:49:01 PM »

She phoned me today and was gracious enough to give me the closure I suppose I need. She no longer loves me and has moved on to seek a relationship with the new guy. She seems genuinely happy and I wish her the best.

I suppose it was just a turbulent relationship as you say, with genuine feeling and care which just got pushed to its limits in an unworkable relationship.

I hope one day I can accept her offer of friendship when I have finally moved on and feel at ease around her without any romantic or emotional connection.

Apologies for wasting your time, I wish you all well in your search for answers, recovery, and general wellbeing
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« Reply #10 on: April 10, 2021, 07:54:49 PM »

Thank you also LostInMind

Id suggest always know the door here is open at any time as ive experienced myself. If you feel you need that bit of support or answers, we are always here for you. In the meantime, well done and all the best! Crom
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« Reply #11 on: April 11, 2021, 06:08:07 AM »

Communication was a big issue on both sides but she said she could never open up whenever I raised what was a legitimate concern because she was worried about upsetting me. But then it's not all her fault, I could have been more attentive but it was draining!

Maybe I'm just weirdly hoping she is disordered as it would be easier to accept and justify than if it is just a simple case of her being a bad person taking advantage, and me too scared to leave because of my own issues.  Paragraph header  (click to insert in post)

i was in a similar place after my break up.

what i can tell you is the more i learned about bpd, the more i could see how it played a role in my relationship. and i felt so much less alone in it all being here, connecting with others that had been through it too.

and then, down the road, as i worked past the pain, i learned more about how relationships (in general, and dysfunctional relationships in particular) break down, and more about human nature.

i think what im saying is both things can be true. bpd traits played a prominent role in my relationship. my ex had issues that were there before, during, and after me. at the same time, i was young and dumb. it was my first adult relationship. i had my share of unhealthy ways and views. learning about bpd was something of a catalyst into going down a healthier road.

if you had verifiable proof that your ex had diagnosable BPD, it would make you feel better, it would make you feel less alone, and importantly, it will tell you a great deal about your relationship and what youre struggling with now. but it wont heal you.
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