Has anyone got back with their BPD ex after a No Contact period?

[HealingTee]

Curious to hear any success stories. Still hoping that my BPDex will want to rekindle things in the future :/ our breakup was 4 months ago with no contact.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Gemsforeyes]

Hey HealingTee-

Welcome to the boards.  I’m truly sorry for the pain that you’re experiencing, but glad you have our community to talk things through.  People here really do understand what you’ve lived, are living.

I read your first post on the Detaching Board and see that you also posted those thoughts here, on the “Bettering” board.

I’m responding to both of your posts, so this is long.

To address your question here, I’d say that yes, many people with BPD (pwBPD) DO attempt to “recycle” after periods of No Contact.  While I was still with my ex BPD/NPDbf (6.5 years total), we were once apart for 8 months, although honestly, there was some occasional calm texting thrown in during that period of separation.  I knew we were not yet finished, so I “behaved” as if we were still together.

When you last saw your exBF two weeks ago, he told you that although he still loves you, he cannot be friends with you.  And considering his extreme jealousy, you’ve got to honor his  awareness around that, correct?  And to be fair to yourself (and him) it’s important for you to remember that you broke up with him BECAUSE of his extreme jealousy.

It’s natural that now that four months have passed since he waged his smear campaign, and you’ve gained more understanding of BPD, you forgive him.  But did he *ask* forgiveness for this hurt / for his actions against you or your good reputation?  I’m guessing no.  He’s likely acting as if that never happened.  It did.

My friend, in these relationships nothing changes until something changes.  Our disordered partners, either knowingly or unknowingly create chaos and deliver pain and toxicity and we forgive without question.  Somehow our brains make us remember the wonderful man or woman we “love” so deeply.  We forget, or cannot seem to truly face ourselves and ask *why* is this stuff okay with me?  Over and over...  until one day you force yourself to ask that question.  Today maybe?

You can still love him and see the good in him.  But you still need to look at yourself.  And THEN you’ll be better able to see if and where he may fit into your life at some point down the road.

I feel compelled to say something else, HT.

You mentioned he’s “high functioning”.  I don’t intend to confront you in any harsh way on this... but have a good look at the other parts of his actions.  He constantly accused you of cheating - to the point that your anxiety reached the level that you ended the relationship.  With the man you love.  

Things have a cause and effect.  Adults understand that.  One of the men you were accused of cheating with was HIS friend of 15 years, prompting that friend of his to terminate the long-term friendship with your ex.  That accusation and the fallout is not “high functioning”.  

Your ex went on a smear campaign against you and accused you of doing things you did NOT do (and he knew they were lies).   He lashed out against his other friends, people seemingly uninvolved at all... and whatever he said was enough to cause those people to terminate THEIR relationships with him (so it obviously became very personal).  AND your ex lost his job as a result of his words, actions, who knows.  Individually AND Collectively, these are not high functioning behaviors.

The most high functioning response your ex showed was again, his recognition that he is in no position to be friends with you.

These relationships are hard.  Really hard.  If your BF comes back, and he may, you’ll want to equip yourself with all the tools you can so that things will be better.  The relationship will NEED to be different.  You will need to be different... because if he is not actively engaged in therapy he will be exactly the same as before, and so will the pain he brings to you.

Please stay here and face things the way they are.  I didn’t for a very very long time. That really hurt me.

Warmly,
Gems

[HealingTee]

Hey Gems,

Thank you so much for your reply. It helped me to put things into perspective. Up until now, I was dealing with this breakup alone since my family and friends are just not able to understand my situation with my BPDx. My mind and my heart is so confused and torn.

It’s natural that now that four months have passed since he waged his smear campaign, and you’ve gained more understanding of BPD, you forgive him.  But did he *ask* forgiveness for this hurt / for his actions against you or your good reputation?  I’m guessing no.  He’s likely acting as if that never happened.  It did.

Crazy enough he did not ask for forgiveness. Instead he gave me a very insincere apology "If it makes you feel better, I apologize" which did not surprise me at at. I already knew the possibility that he was not going to take any real accountability and would stay in the victim role since his sense of reality is very distorted.

You mentioned he’s “high functioning”.  I don’t intend to confront you in any harsh way on this... but have a good look at the other parts of his actions.  He constantly accused you of cheating - to the point that your anxiety reached the level that you ended the relationship.  With the man you love. 

Things have a cause and effect.  Adults understand that.  One of the men you were accused of cheating with was HIS friend of 15 years, prompting that friend of his to terminate the long-term friendship with your ex.  That accusation and the fallout is not “high functioning”. 

Your ex went on a smear campaign against you and accused you of doing things you did NOT do (and he knew they were lies).   He lashed out against his other friends, people seemingly uninvolved at all... and whatever he said was enough to cause those people to terminate THEIR relationships with him (so it obviously became very personal).  AND your ex lost his job as a result of his words, actions, who knows.  Individually AND Collectively, these are not high functioning behaviors.

I agree. At this point I believe he is now a low-functioning pwBPD. When I met him, he still had all of his  friends intact and was able to hold down his job for quite a few years, which is why I assumed he was high-functioning at the time. Crazy enough, my ex's sense of reality is so distorted that his mind actually believed the stories he was telling people about me. Since my ex is untreated and has never been to therapy, his condition is getting worse and worse as time goes on.

These relationships are hard.  Really hard.  If your BF comes back, and he may, you’ll want to equip yourself with all the tools you can so that things will be better.  The relationship will NEED to be different.  You will need to be different... because if he is not actively engaged in therapy he will be exactly the same as before, and so will the pain he brings to you.

Thank you for this advice! I'm starting therapy soon and will continue to just focus on myself. I doubt that my ex will seek treatment anytime soon since he is deep denial that there is anything wrong with him. Present day, I hope to God that his eyes will open soon and will seek treatment, for his sake. If he ever gets himself into treatment, perhaps we can give our relationship another shot. If not, I hope to be completely over him in the near future and not even care to reconcile things if he ever came back.

Thank you for your response!