How to get my wife back

[AlbatrossRising]

This is the nutshell story:

My wife filed for divorce and moved out. She was diagnosed with BPD last year. We’ve been together for 4 years. We have two kids. We always got along like best friends. Everything has been at a soul mate level. We dated once before and she backed out of the relationship and went to an ex out of her fear of abandonment stated that she didn’t deserve me. Once we got back together though, everything was like nearly perfect for 4 years. She coped through shopping and drinking at times. Found out she placed us in great debt. Found out she cheated and talked to an old ex. And one day in Jan 2021 she just flat out told me she wanted a divorce. It was out of the blue. Fought for her like hell, read books on BPD and sought counseling solo and marriage counseling together but she backed out of it pretty fast. Just a completely withdrawal from me emotionally. Paints me in the black. Says she never loved me and only used me. Had her ex help her move out and took my kids. Says I haven’t loved her enough (def don’t agree) and I assume she’s with him now. We’re still married. Going through the divorce process.

There’s so much that she’s said and done. So much betrayal, so many lies. She places all her issues at my feet and says I control and manipulate. The more I fought for her, the worse it’s gotten. She moved out a month ago now and everyone tells me to move on. And for the most part I am but I don’t ultimately want this. I want her. I want her to get healthy. To do then DBT treatment (she refused). I want my kids to not have a broken home. Some days I’m still left spinning and trying to process this bc as many of you know, it all happened so fast.

The love of my life, my best friend, she’s become someone completely different. All in the name of putting herself first and wanting something else to keep her head above water.

I fear for my kids as she has had huge disconnects with even them.

What can I do to MAYBE get her back one day? Currently, we only talk via text over the kids. I’ve pushed her away with all my previous efforts so for the last month I’ve been distant. It’s like 4 lives got ruined bc the one didn’t want it anymore out of fear of abandonment/self preservation.

I know you guys don’t know me but I can assure you I’m a great father and husband. I’m in shock. Never saw this coming.

Help.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[CrushedinOntario]

First off, only you likely know your truth in your circle of life.  That's where I find myself too.  You aren't alone, you'll find many people on here share similar and sometimes almost identical stories.  I've found some level of comfort in finding out I'm not alone.  I'm not qualified or even knowledgeable enough yet about BPD/NPD to really offer any meaningful and worthwhile advice.  I've only just started this journey around BPD about a month ago.  Yes, after a 36 year relationship, and a five month separation I  think I've finally found my soon to be exBPDw main issue that was masked by a bipolar disorder diagnosis 15 years ago.  She's only been getting treatment for a part of her issues, and now I know it wasn't the biggest part of the problems.  She has devalued me again, painted me black and has discarded me.  I also find that although I'm fairly confident in my discovery, there's nothing I can do with the information.  She won't accept any conversation around the topic, and no one in her family will believe me anymore given her adept ability to paint me black and them believing her completely (despite having witnessed our relationship in action over the past 36 years - they know who the most stable partner has been).

I will say everyone and everything I read is telling me no contact or very little, only required, contact is the best way, particularly if there is hope to reverse the breakup.  That by doing so, perhaps they eventually come back around to recycle the relationship.  That when they are in this place, outward displays of affection (either in person or in writing) just aren't well received at all and can push them away further.  It's unwanted by them and they react negatively to receiving them from us.  I've added more complexity to her decision by placing a boundary that if we ever did, she would need to be dealing with her issues, I mine, and the two of us putting considerable effort to solve our problems once and for all.  They don't like boundaries.  She's not ready to accept the illness, despite nearly being there with her psych about a year or so ago.  If you would like to hear more about my story, go to the Stay or Go portion of the boards and look for "Dazed and Confused" as a title.

Back to you.  Your situation is at a more complicated phase because you have two young kids and I understand your concern around that.  Our last separation dance before this one was about 16 years ago, and at that time my kids were 11 and 6.  They were top of mind while trying to sort that out and get that reversed.  Fortunately for me (maybe, idk if it really was) she turned me from black to white again in less than a month.  Didn't know about the Borderline at that time, not sure it would have made a difference in my decision.  I felt I wanted to keep us all together.  BUT, it ended up to do so, I had to suppress my needs and happiness for all of that time.  Resentment built up, kids started to go their own ways and when I couldn't get her to re-connect in our relationship (she's been emotionally unavailable almost this whole time), I ended up in a bad place and made some poor decisions that ultimately lead to where we are now.  It's been a long road and right now, the only positive I'm feeling about the decision to stay is that I did manage to get the kids through their post-secondary and out in the world before everything blew up.  

I was still holding onto false hope that the woman I married would come back someday.  She's clearly not coming back, even if she does finally accept this and do the required work to deal with it.

Good luck, it isn't easy but you'll figure it out.  Ultimately, do what you need to do to stay true to your values, no matter what that is.  Work on yourself while no contact, to be the best version of yourself to offer her if she comes back and you want that, or to offer a future partner.

[AlbatrossRising]

Thank you for that advice and outlook on your situation. I know I’m far from alone. She’s actually been nice lately. Very cordial and I’ve even made her laugh a few times. Doesn’t seem like I’m in the “black” or devalued. But the train still keeps moving in this hopeless direction.