Current struggles

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

All of the things you mentioned have a common thread: you want someone else to do something that you think is reasonable, and none of them are responding in the way you think they should. I think that it mirrors what you have been experiencing with your h. You don't understand why he behaves in ways that are (very) unreasonable or exhibits low empathy (like the teacher's response).

It's always frustrating when we want someone else to change their behavior and they won't- especially when we just expect a basic level of reasonable.

Experiencing years of abuse made me feel powerless. Part of my recovery and healing has been recognizing when I start to feel frustrated and powerless in situations involving other people, and learning when and how to assert myself and when to let things go.

Letting things go sometimes feels like letting others take advantage of me.

Asserting myself sometimes feels like overreacting.

It can be very confusing and I thank God for a great therapist who has helped me work through these things.

Now, as for the things you mentioned- they would all be frustrating to me, on different levels. The yard thing probably would be the least of my worries. Irritating, but maybe it was a one-off and the lawn guy will get back to his regular schedule.

The garbage thing...I would definitely be irritated at having garbage sitting around that was not getting picked up. I have raccoons that like to pilfer mine, so I would hate having to leave it either sitting in the house or outside waiting for the next pickup day.

In that situation, I would probably call and ask if I could purchase another bin from the waste management company so all the garbage can be put out in approved containers and therefore picked up. I might also just find a dumpster or a garbage dump to dispose of the left behind trash.

The kid thing...that teacher's response would tick me off. Not that I would go nuclear about it, but I think this is an incident where I would be assertive. Take pictures of the child's hands. State that I do not want my child participating in this activity without direct assistance. I might even speak to school staff. Yes, accidents happen, but that email doesn't reassure a parent that the child is receiving proper supervision or care and I would not be okay with that.

Thank you for the reply to off topic nonsense, .

Those were kind of the gauges and order of irritation I felt.  To be clear, I don’t think people need to behave how I think they need to (and I know you weren’t saying that).  Some of the difference is I believe H should behave within an acceptable range.

With hired services, I do believe they should do what they’ve been contracted to do, so can bend within reason — it’s raining, one time my old garbage guys wife went into labor and he didn’t come. I congratulated him and moved along.

This garbage company didn’t allow more than one bin but allowed you to pay to take extra…then the driver refused. Next.

The teacher was dismissive and just disappointed. It was like putting the blame back on the child.

Thanks IAR…really appreciate the input.

[UBPDHelp]

All of the things you mentioned have a common thread: you want someone else to do something that you think is reasonable, and none of them are responding in the way you think they should. I think that it mirrors what you have been experiencing with your h. You don't understand why he behaves in ways that are (very) unreasonable or exhibits low empathy (like the teacher's response).

It's always frustrating when we want someone else to change their behavior and they won't- especially when we just expect a basic level of reasonable.

Experiencing years of abuse made me feel powerless. Part of my recovery and healing has been recognizing when I start to feel frustrated and powerless in situations involving other people, and learning when and how to assert myself and when to let things go.

Letting things go sometimes feels like letting others take advantage of me.

Asserting myself sometimes feels like overreacting.

It can be very confusing and I thank God for a great therapist who has helped me work through these things.

Now, as for the things you mentioned- they would all be frustrating to me, on different levels. The yard thing probably would be the least of my worries. Irritating, but maybe it was a one-off and the lawn guy will get back to his regular schedule.

The garbage thing...I would definitely be irritated at having garbage sitting around that was not getting picked up. I have raccoons that like to pilfer mine, so I would hate having to leave it either sitting in the house or outside waiting for the next pickup day.

In that situation, I would probably call and ask if I could purchase another bin from the waste management company so all the garbage can be put out in approved containers and therefore picked up. I might also just find a dumpster or a garbage dump to dispose of the left behind trash.

The kid thing...that teacher's response would tick me off. Not that I would go nuclear about it, but I think this is an incident where I would be assertive. Take pictures of the child's hands. State that I do not want my child participating in this activity without direct assistance. I might even speak to school staff. Yes, accidents happen, but that email doesn't reassure a parent that the child is receiving proper supervision or care and I would not be okay with that.

Thank you for the reply to off topic nonsense, .

Those were kind of the gauges and order of irritation I felt.  To be clear, I don’t think people need to behave how I think they need to (and I know you weren’t saying that).  Some of the difference is I believe H should behave within an acceptable range.

With hired services, I do believe they should do what they’ve been contracted to do, so can bend within reason — it’s raining, one time my old garbage guys wife went into labor and he didn’t come. I congratulated him and moved along.

This garbage company didn’t allow more than one bin but allowed you to pay to take extra…then the driver refused. Next.

The teacher was dismissive and just disappointed. It was like putting the blame back on the child.

Thanks IAR…really appreciate the input.

[UBPDHelp]

Hey UBPDHelp, sounds like I Am Redeemed and I were thinking about the same thing recently!

Like she mentioned, the way we have historically interacted with pwPDs bleeds over into how we interact with "normal" people. This just is what it is, and has a positive and a negative aspect (in my take). On the plus side, our "radars" for passive-aggressiveness, blame avoidance, abdication of responsibility, and other disordered behaviors is pretty sensitive. If we get "vibes" from emails or whatever that someone isn't taking responsibility when s/he should... we notice! That's not a bad thing.

On the minus side, sometimes we bring the same habitual responses from interacting with pwPDs to "normal" interactions. Those responses can be: not saying what we really want or need, hoping to get what we want without making waves, fearing that assertion will set off conflict, etc. Could be different habitual response flavors as well.

So, in regards to the school issue, IAR and I are looking at it similarly. You're the mom, you're the expert. It's OK and normal to be assertive in and "over 50%" of the interaction. You're not taking over 100% of the interaction ("my way or the highway") but it is YOUR child, not the school's child. Teachers can be wonderful gifts and also are not the expert in the child -- you are (well, and, ultimately, the child, but in this situation, you are the expert in what your child needs and is capable of).

If it were me, I might take a moment to think about what I truly want for my child. Do I want her to use the hot glue gun at all? Only with supervision? Supervised the next time, but OK on her own after that? Not at all until her hands are back in action...?

I hear you communicating in your email that you would like her to have help with the HGG and some eyeballs on the bandaids.

I hear a couple of possibilities in the response.

There could be liability issues with the teacher saying any kind of "I'm sorry" in a written record. Kind of like how we aren't supposed to apologize for fender benders... wait for insurance to sort it out. If a teacher says "I'm Sorry" about a kid's injury... I am betting the school district gets really nervous. That doesn't make it OK for the teacher to not apologize, just my first hunch about why the email came back with the vibe of "we did this by the book" versus "we didn't supervise your child and she got injured on our watch".

It would be totally normal to have an assertive response to their response, like IAR suggested.

Lots of "I" statements, and, importantly, after doing the above (thinking about what YOU truly want for your child, as YOU are the expert), making assertive statements about what you need and what you will do. And, as FF hints at, with a generous helping of the "Friendly" in "BIFF".

Could be something like:

"Hi Teacher;

Thank you for getting back to me so quickly. I appreciate you understanding how important Child's safety is.

I want to reiterate how serious the burns were, as I'm sure you've already seen. Here are the pictures, just so we're on the same page. I appreciate you agreeing to monitor her bandaids and send her to the nurse if they come off at all.

I do not want Child to use HGGs at any time without 1x1 adult supervision. If that isn't possible, she will need an alternative assignment. Let me know by the end of Day/Date if this is an issue. If I don't hear back, I'll assume that supervision will happen or that alternatives are OK.

Thanks for all your hard work this past year -- such a crazy year!

Don't hesitate to reach out if you have any questions for me or need any clarification. I'm glad we can work together to ensure Child is safe in the classroom.

Best,

UBPDHelp"

...

The gist I got from you was that even after sending Email #1 and getting Reply #1, things felt... unaddressed, and/or unclear. And I also got a sense that you didn't want to "go nuclear" in Email #1 or create a conflict out of nothing. Like IAR said, though, it was a low empathy response, and that is concerning, whether it was low empathy due to a lack of concern or some kind of liability issue.

It would be perfectly normal to write Email #2, or something like it, and be assertively explicit. This is what needs to happen, here are the details so we are tracking together, here is what I expect. Plus enough BIFF to "grease the skids" -- you are grateful the teacher responded and has worked hard this past year, and there's a tacit "vibe" from you that "you can't imagine the teacher doesn't care about your child's safety". You're "assuming the best" about the teacher ("surely you value my child's safety as much as I do") at the same time that you are being clear and assertive: "X will be happening, and Y will not be happening. Let me know by Z date if there are any issues".

Makes a lot of sense, and not weird at all to advocate for your child more once you got the response.

Hope that helps...

It does help. I did tell the teacher I didn’t want D using it without supervision. Response?  The email…and then told D that “your mom doesn’t want you using HGG.” 

Guess teacher wasn’t interested in supervising. A little annoyed it was said that way.

The HGG is over so makes some unnecessary and end of year, but an apology or some compassion would have been appreciated.  I thought teacher may have been concerned about liability, but think it doesn’t matter. If teacher had supervised, he would have known D got burned. Would have gone to nurse, would have been phone call home. Those things didn’t happen, so it speaks for itself.

The email ideas are so helpful and appreciated.  And for the help prioritizing.

[UBPDHelp]

So..if it is true (I'm not doubting, just be clear that it is) that your kid has no experience doing this stuff solo or with loose supervision.

Then

I would clarify that in your return email.  (I do think one is called for)


"Hey..my child doesn't do these things without 1 on 1 supervision at home, so I would appreciate giving me a week or so heads up to practice future things like this or provide 1 on 1 supervision anytime a hot glue gun or similar device will be used by my child."

If this isn't possible, please provide alternate assignment for my child (then the language about when you want to know)

I'm going to agree with others that dealing with a PD "colors" the rest of our communication.  So be deliberate about being flexible, yet at same time you provide a hard date to eliminate unclarity.  The entire tone is factual, friendly and open.


Switching gears:  No criticism here and I may be an outlier on this...and well...I'm switching gears again.

I google "can a 9 year old use a hot glue gun"

I'll hush and recommend sending the follow up email.

Best,

FF

Thanks FF.  No, I haven’t let this child use the hot glue gun at home. I don’t use one often anyway but the drippy glue burns, let alone if you touch the tip.

The blisters are broken and the skin raw. The burns were decent burns.

Agree on not making a big deal out of boo boos. One of the first lessons I learned as a mom was that kids react as big as your reaction to tumbles and boo boos. I keep my cool, they often do, too…unless it’s bad.

For reference, the Google search below yours is full of, not until middle school, not until 16-17, not ever. HGGs get near 350-400 degrees. Really shouldn’t be unsupervised with kids…IMO.