I just want peace

[ava08778]

Hello, I'm new to this board.  My husband of 11 years has BPD but isn't aware of it.  It's taken me about 5 years to accept it and now I am learning to deal with what is instead of what I want and need.  When he's good, he's good.  But when he's bad, he's awful and I wonder why I stay.  Then he's good again and I wonder why I wanted to leave.  I think I could tolerate our situation if I can just have peace.  But he's full of drama and chaos.  How do maintain my peace without getting sucked into his drama?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[alterK]

Hi ava08778! I too am relatively new here, but was happy to have found this website as many  here will send you helpful words. You (and so far as I can tell every other person on these boards, including myself, of course) are in a complicated situation that has no simple solution, but you have taken the important first step by recognizing it, and looking for help. The best suggestion I can give you is to start reading. I used to be one who haughtily walked by the "self help" section in the bookstore, certain none of them was for me. However, with BPD you need help, and while not every word in every book will resonate, a lot will. There are good listings in the "Tools" section of this website.

And I guess I will be the first to say to you what others have said to me. Don't hope to change your BPD spouse. You can only change yourself. And that is very important, as that is how you save yourself. You may find that if you change your behavior your husband may start acting differently toward you, though that can sometimes provoke an opposite reaction, as BPD people don't always like their partners doing things they're not accustomed to. On the other hand, sometimes learning how to deal better with them can lead to a positive response. Good luck!

[Gemmie]

Hi and welcome! 

I'm sorry to hear of your struggles. the Dr. Jekyll (loving, generous, adoring) person keeps us involved - despite the Dr. Hyde (vile, vicious, hateful, threatening) person that emerges.

I'm in 25 years now and have come to accept that I can't continue any longer. My life, too, has value and it can't be all about just living to "appease" and "temper" my BPD spouse. The abuse has drained me and so after many many years, I'm working on detatching.

Every situation (though similar in this way: Jekyll/Hyde) is different. Some people elect that they will suffer the "bad" so they can keep the "good." Other people, though, the scales are simply too imbalanced and the "good" cannot overcome the "bad" parts.

So, I'd say - come here! Vent - learn - and share. That helps! You're definintely not alone in what you're feeling and all the insecurities and confusion about what to do.

There's some great books out there "Stop walking on eggshells" for instance. Watch videos about BPD, learn the "jargon" involved and educate yourself.

Knowledge is power and it can help you determine whether you feel like your situation is one in which you're willing to cope with, or if you feel like you don't want to live your life - for someone else's distorted behaviors.

It's not an easy place to be, love. But - you're not alone!

So - yeah - come here, read, educate yourself, browse the web, learn about this disorder and the effects of being in a relationship with someone who has it.

And lastly - get yourself a therapist! I can't say enough how much help they can be! They can help you see things from alternate perspectives, gain insight into both your spouse and yourself, teach you techniques for coping with the back-and-forth, and also validate your own life/feelings.

I hope you'll post again soon and hang in there!   

~Gemmie

[maxsterling]

I can certainly relate to how you feel. 

Can you give an example of his drama and how you are getting sucked into it?  Its very difficult to not get sucked in...

[shu87]

Hello ava08778  we're certainly sailing in the same ship. It's been 21 years now, I just joined this group today. I am so grateful for stumbling across this book "Stop Walking on Egg Shells" I wasn't even aware of BPD. I regret for knowing about it so late. I must have made matters worse by not knowing what my husband must be going through. Sometimes I feel guilty for being the one triggering his emotions and sudden flares.
I have lost everything, no contacts, what so ever. My phone was taken away too. I hope to find solace in this group.
With the COVID crisis, I have been locked indoors with my husband. Even though the state laws are more relaxed now. He's been avoiding/hiding from social life.

He gets triggered for the most unreasonable things on earth. Last week he made me tear up my pants cause it was too tight.

Of course I love my husband and kids, I want to spend the rest of my life with them. But I crave for peace of mind. Looks like there is no hope in changing a person suffering from BPD. My only hope is to change myself, glad to know I am not the only one out there.

We are all there for each other to make a difference in our lives.