Advice for dealing with divorce grief

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My husband of 10 years (13 years together) and I have agreed it’s time to part ways. I initiated the discussion several times, as I felt I was being mistreated emotionally and verbally, and nothing was changing. He was, of course, upset with me for suggesting it, but also declined to go to therapy with me. While not officially diagnosed, he has shown the symptoms of BPD from the beginning. I didn’t realize what that was until a year or two into the relationship. Well now, he’s agreed to end it. Now, I’m consumed by my grief for the loss of my marriage. I do want to be treated better, but it hurts to let go of him. He also admitted to “talking” with someone else since he felt I pushed him away, although he claims it has not progressed past that point. I am trying to work through my anger about this, since I was always accused by him of cheating when I never did anything of the sort (I’m sure the accusations were BPD related). Because we have a small child together, we have tried remaining civil since we have to live together for at least the next six months to a year. I’m open to being amicable and giving each other as much space as possible while still co-parenting. However, this is all very new (within the last week) and I am having waves of crying and anxiety. He does not comfort me, and just gives me space. Just looking for advice on moving on, making the best of my situation while we share a home, and letting go of my sadness and bitterness.

[ED2010]

My husband of 10 years (13 years together) and I have agreed it’s time to part ways. I initiated the discussion several times, as I felt I was being mistreated emotionally and verbally, and nothing was changing. He was, of course, upset with me for suggesting it, but also declined to go to therapy with me. While not officially diagnosed, he has shown the symptoms of BPD from the beginning. I didn’t realize what that was until a year or two into the relationship. Well now, he’s agreed to end it. Now, I’m consumed by my grief for the loss of my marriage. I do want to be treated better, but it hurts to let go of him. He also admitted to “talking” with someone else since he felt I pushed him away, although he claims it has not progressed past that point. I am trying to work through my anger about this, since I was always accused by him of cheating when I never did anything of the sort (I’m sure the accusations were BPD related). Because we have a small child together, we have tried remaining civil since we have to live together for at least the next six months to a year. I’m open to being amicable and giving each other as much space as possible while still co-parenting. However, this is all very new (within the last week) and I am having waves of crying and anxiety. He does not comfort me, and just gives me space. Just looking for advice on moving on, making the best of my situation while we share a home, and letting go of my sadness and bitterness.

[Mutt]

Hi ED2010  ,



I’d like to welcome you to BPDFamily. I’m sorry that you’re going through this. Divorce is tough and when you have a upwBPD it is even tougher. I’m glad that you decided to join us there is hope.

I think you made a good decision with joining a support group, It helps to talk. It helps to join other discussions with members that share similar situations as you. It helps to talk to a T ( therapist ) or ( psychologist ) and have a support system in real life was well too. I takes a combination of different support structures to help support you through a difficult period such as this.

Do you have a T or a P?

Do you have a trusted friend  or family member that you can turn to in real life? 

[Sappho11]

My husband of 10 years (13 years together) and I have agreed it’s time to part ways. I initiated the discussion several times, as I felt I was being mistreated emotionally and verbally, and nothing was changing. He was, of course, upset with me for suggesting it, but also declined to go to therapy with me. While not officially diagnosed, he has shown the symptoms of BPD from the beginning. I didn’t realize what that was until a year or two into the relationship. Well now, he’s agreed to end it. Now, I’m consumed by my grief for the loss of my marriage. I do want to be treated better, but it hurts to let go of him. He also admitted to “talking” with someone else since he felt I pushed him away, although he claims it has not progressed past that point. I am trying to work through my anger about this, since I was always accused by him of cheating when I never did anything of the sort (I’m sure the accusations were BPD related). Because we have a small child together, we have tried remaining civil since we have to live together for at least the next six months to a year. I’m open to being amicable and giving each other as much space as possible while still co-parenting. However, this is all very new (within the last week) and I am having waves of crying and anxiety. He does not comfort me, and just gives me space. Just looking for advice on moving on, making the best of my situation while we share a home, and letting go of my sadness and bitterness.

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. The good news is, you're not alone.

If you can surround yourself with people who cherish you -- family members, good friends -- by all means, do. It helps to be around people who validate your feelings and who make you feel heard.

If you have no family or close friends -- been there -- then even calling a counselling hotline, the Samaritans or suchlike can help immensely. Just talking to someone about your grief, even if it's a stranger, can be liberating. And getting an outside perspective helps, too.

Just talking to someone who looks at you as a person, who doesn't judge you, who listens to you (as your BPD husband probably rarely did), can give you a spark sufficient to get through the day.

One day at a time. Day by day. The fog will slowly start to lift, and it will get better, I promise you.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey ED, Welcome!  I'm sorry to hear that you are in a difficult situation, yet I think making a change will lead to greater happiness down the road, though I'm sure it doesn't feel like that right now.  I suggest you focus on yourself and your needs.  Be good to yourself.  Get back to being who you are at your core.  Put yourself first, for a change. As Sappho says, you are not alone.  Many of us have been in your shoes, so feel free to ask questions.

LuckyJim

[Sappho11]

I wanted to add one more idea that has been helping me. Not sure whether it's helpful to you.

After the breakup, I opened the text editor on my computer and started writing down bullet points: Every single behaviour and occasion I recalled in which he had hurt me. Every behaviour, every hurtful moment, every time he had disrespected my needs and boundaries, ruined moments, days, and weeks, every time he had been distant, aggressive, condescending, invalidating, selfish, etc.

Now, a couple of weeks later, I miss him every now and again, but just re-reading parts of that list (it's almost too long to read in the setting) makes me realise that I haven't lost the love of my life, as I always thought. I've rather dodged the bullet of ruining the rest of my life.

You are likely bound to your husband emotionally and biologically. Humans, and especially us women, are hard-wired for connection. That's why breaking it hurts. But it helps to realise that over time, staying in a broken connection would have hurt you so, so much more. If it already hasn't.

[Couper]

Making a list does help.  Not so that you can dwell on it or reset your grief every day, but to have a ready-reference to acknowledge what happened, sort through it, and not have to dig through your already overloaded memory to access past events while still having to process the new ones. 

In my case, an old unresolved conflict would get thrown in my face and I would either be told that it didn't happen like I said, or that it didn't even happen at all (as though I would have imagined it).  It was really causing me to doubt myself, so I put down on paper the ones I could remember clearly and I started recording the new ones immediately after they happened (which also helped to provide some closure so I could get on with my day).  Now when I get told that something is not as I remember it, I can go back and look and provide myself some relief that I'm not losing my mind.  On top of that, six months later when some new piece of evidence comes along related to that, I can check the record to see how it plugs in to a scenario that has long since passed. 

Also, when I see a new conflict that is repeating an old one, I can reference the list and be able to predict with some accuracy what will be the outcome depending on how I respond to it and what I can do the next time to create a more favorable situation. 

[EZEarache]

Because we have a small child together, we have tried remaining civil since we have to live together for at least the next six months to a year.

Welcome, the first couple weeks were absolute hell, but things started getting better. I moved out a little over two months ago.

How old is your child? Mine turns 1 year in about two weeks. Having a child involved makes the need to reduce conflict even more important. However, I've found being civil to be very difficult. Is the reason you need to stay in the same house for six months due to finances?

If your situation is anything like mine, then, I'd try to make arrangements to get out as quickly as possible. Once the initial shock wears off, he will probably stop wanting the divorce after a couple weeks. Then the fear of abandonment and blame shifting will really kick in, along with the total dysregulation. In my case, there's a 50/50 chance that every visit with my son, will turn into some sort of argument. It's just not a healthy environment for the little one.

I was debating the extra expense of getting my own place before signing a new lease. My parents made the wise statement, that the baby was worth the money.