New Guy. Made the decision to end the marriage, but it's complex.

[Red22]

07:33, 10 June

She was up and about before me and was letting the dogs out of the house as I left the bedroom.
There were no barbs or other attempts at a fight and she left the house calmly at 07.25.
Best yet, and a good start to a busy day for me.

[Skip]

Again, thanks for your time, Skip.

A depression dangerous in what way?
Is there a rubric or scale on which I can see the level of seriousness?
Is there anything I need to do, facilitate, or consider day to day right now?
I'm lost here.
I took control to create a space I badly needed. I need this space to be able to be employed.

The definition of "took control" is "to capture by force".
https://www.wordhippo.com/what-is/another-word-for/took+control+of.html

Practically speaking, the relationship is over now. No good is going to come from continuing on the trajectory that you are on.

A depression dangerous in what way?

Suicide. Homicide.

I want the community benefits and security of the working life I've built here, and that includes continuing to live in the house and immediate community. I don't want to start over with new neighbours in a new area.
She wants the house to maintain the outward appearance of stability and social position?

It probably is best to think that you two are only held together by the home and that both of you value it for valid reasons.

It's a rental, so that is not as complicated as owning it.

She financially dependent on you so she doesn't have many options to leave. Neither of you are willing to work on the relationship. You are angry. She is deeply depressed and fearful and that will make her more and more helpless.

It seems that you would be best to file for divorce. That takes a long time. It will get both of you a different and more constructive focus than fighting with each other.

What do you think?

[Cromwell]

Red, this test may be of interest it combines for depression as well as anxiety https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/self-help/guides-tools-and-activities/depression-anxiety-self-assessment-quiz/

Its only 18 questions and they are straightforward, should not take too long. take care.

[HopelessinNJ]

Oh man, can I ever relate.  Like you, I get up early.  Pre-covid 5am on a regular basis, with covid I have been waking with the sun, which is now anywhere from 4:30 to 5:30.  My wife has a habit of starting fights just when I get into bed.  I should put "fight" in quotes, because it's really just a long session of her complaining and insulting me.  She does 98 percent of the talking.  I can't get a word in, not that it would help.  I find that no matter what I say, it's just fodder for more of her abuse.

I came here looking for help and support.  I hope you find it too.

[Red22]

She left yesterday morning, and she's not getting back in through that front gate.
.
Rewind to a week last Sunday, and I'd gotten out of the way if it all again by disappearing to my workshop.
As always, workshop safety, I leak-tested the bottles, lines, and torch before I started brazing.
I found a finger-loose regulator on my propane bottle.
That bottle has been tested at the outset of every welding day for months... and it's always passed with no leaks - these fittings are mature technology and can be left for extended periods in adverse conditions and be dependably reliable... there's no way that loosened by itself.
I tightened it up, tested the rest again, and finished the railing section. I said nothing to her as I went back to the house later.
.
I initiated the fight the following day as she came home from work and was passing through the outer gate.
I blocked her way and quietly and directly confronted her about her reckless endangerment of me, the property, and maybe the neighbours, too, by tampering with gas equipment.
She was standing in public in a social situation out in the street, and I didn't let up.
I ran through all of the ramifications of messing with gas appliances while she tried to control herself in public... it was a joy to watch.
After I let her in, she ripped straight into a screaming rage attacking animate and inanimate alike.
.
Knowing the deal by now, and knowing how this latest disturbance could be used, I filmed the meltdown from a safe distance; she took around an hour to quieten down.
The following day, when the neighbours came asking, I showed them the video and explained the situation.
.
Looking good in that I now have a house in which I can relax without interference.
.
She was living within an area protected by my inhibitions and social conditioning.
She knew very well where I would and would not act, and placed herself beyond my reach within my own value system - from there reaching into me and playing me against myself.
.
That will never happen again.
.
Thanks, all, for the resources, space to talk, absence of a firing squad, and time given me by those who helped and replied.
The crux was the comment that the strongest personality will always win... That's the one that made the break.
.
Regards
R

[Couper]

You are absolutely right.  I have never had a regulator, line, or any other flare-type gas connection come loose on any of my equipment.  Mine stays setup all the time.  Once a flare fitting is torqued, it stays that way (which is precisely why hazardous equipment is designed as it is).  That takes a good amount of discipline to keep up with your equipment that way and you were very fortunate to have caught that.  The consequences could have been devastating for you and others around you.  Sabotage such as this is truly the act of a self-absorbed person.  I'm curious -- did she acknowledge doing it?  

It sounds like you're on the road to a better future.  Please keep us posted on your progress.

[Red22]

Her denial of doing it and my rundown of the intrinsic safety of a mature technology is what I think sent her over the edge and into leaving.
There are 2 people in this house; I didn't loosen off that regulator and there's no way in hell it happened by itself.
If I'd started brazing, the oxygen pressure would have pushed the propane straight back up its own line, out of the line, and into the room.
I was absolutely resolute on that and she couldn't stand toe to toe on it.
.
Bye, Z.

[Cromwell]

Well done Red

Onwards and upwards. The sooner you make the change the sooner youll notice the upsides. Its not easy but it is worth it. This im sure of.

[Red22]

Well done Red

Onwards and upwards. The sooner you make the change the sooner youll notice the upsides. Its not easy but it is worth it. This im sure of.

Thanks, Cromwell.
This is the first weekend for many years that there hasn't been a foul mood lurking around, a broiling silence dragging on my nerves, and an energy drain and a fistful of fights started around the place.
I'm more chilled than I can remember being and there are definitely no regrets.

[Skip]

This is the beginning of the end... there are likely to be complex feelings in the future and some retrospect on yourself. It's all part of the process. Be patient with yourself. We'll be here to work through it with you.

[Couper]

That's a beautiful thing.  Here's to sustained peace!

In all seriousness, you will see an improvement in whatever new skills you pursue.  When your mind isn't in a good place you can only go so far, but there is no limit once you can devote more neurons to it.