Back in contact

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So she messaged me on facebook. I didn't know it was possible unless accept first as a friend.

Im not back to square one. Far from it. The conversation was light to begin with then out of nowhere out of context sends a pic of her tits

Maybe somehow she knew i looked at her profile last night.

I closed the convo gracefully. She mentioned how hurt she was when i left. I told her i was sorry. Said we can meet up if she ever feels like it she said yes

Then i wished her a good day and went to the shop to reflect on it all

Somehow i feel a sense of peace from it.

[Cromwell]

So she messaged me on facebook. I didn't know it was possible unless accept first as a friend.

Im not back to square one. Far from it. The conversation was light to begin with then out of nowhere out of context sends a pic of her tits

Maybe somehow she knew i looked at her profile last night.

I closed the convo gracefully. She mentioned how hurt she was when i left. I told her i was sorry. Said we can meet up if she ever feels like it she said yes

Then i wished her a good day and went to the shop to reflect on it all

Somehow i feel a sense of peace from it.

[csquare319]

Somehow i feel a sense of peace from it.

A great place to be, man!

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Cromwell, At this point, what would you like to see happen?  Are you hoping for a recycle if the opportunity arises?  Fill us in, when you can.

LuckyJim

[Cromwell]

it sounds like she is in complete devaluation of this guy I saw on facebook with all the lovey star struck eyes since January. She asked me if I still have a car to rescue her from this "pr!ck" and "hell hole"

in other words, it is the same old tune that started the relationship with her at the start.

If it were not for the cheating, everything else I would have been fine with. When I read what she says about this guy, I know it is only a matter of months before the only difference in the game is my name replaced with his and another brought in.

Im fortunate I got to the point of recognising this for what it is. Part of my reflection over the years is that a great source of pain was not entirely a result of her BPD affects. It was the male-male rivalry, it became less about her and more about alpha-male dominance.

ive outgrown that too, or evolved from it. I had to, it was a source of unneccesary pain and burden.

So its a bit weird that shes back but 90% of the conversation reminds me of the things I found endearing. 1% is a picture. 9% is her trying to triangulate me into her dilemma.

so I just take the 90% and let the rest be unreactive to. I deleted the nude picture, i know its from a mentally ill woman in a state of dysregulation. I also know its not for "me" but for any guy who at this moment in time has a car and is ready to play the white knight.

Thanks

[brighter future]

Hi Cromwell,

I'm glad that you can see this contact for what it really is. It's like that old saying goes, you just have to consider the source. I had to tell myself virtually the same thing when I found myself face to face with my ex again recently. These are the actions of someone with mental illness.

I had more in person contact a little over a week ago from my ex. It was after I'd gotten home from work, and I was outside in my yard working on a couple of projects. While I was working, I had my 4 month old dog outside with me in the yard. My ex pulled up out in front of her parent's home next door. The next thing I know, she's walking over with her son to see the dog. Under my breath I said "What the hell?" mainly because she's turned her nose up at me and looked the other way countless times when I've seen her over the past 2.5 months. While we are considered NC, we would usually have the courtesy to at least wave, especially if the kids were present. As I said, I haven't gotten any acknowledgement for at least 2.5 months, so I quit making an effort to wave at her. This contact a little over a week ago was a complete surprise to me since she'd been blowing me off. She stood there telling me how cute my dog was, etc. and told me that she'd just come from a full day of work.  I tried several times to make eye contact with her, as I'm the type of person that thinks eye contact is important when you are having a conversation with someone. During those five minutes that she stood there, she never would make any eye contact with me. She either looked at the ground, the dog, or her son. I thought that was interesting.

She's also changed her Facebook settings within the last two weeks to where I can see everything on her page again. When she made contact with me last September/October she relaxed her Facebook settings during that time period as well. After a couple of months, she changed them back to a more private setting, and all I could see were profile photo changes. A quick scan of her page last week showed that every picture that she posted of us during our nearly two year relationship from 2018 to 2020 was still on there, including the photo albums from both of our out of state vacations. Even our Christmas family photo with the children was still there from 2019. I've removed similar pictures from my page, except the ones that show the children having fun on our trip. I didn't have the heart to delete those.  Once again, interesting.  

Stay strong on your end, my friend. I know you will be fine. We are all much wiser now than we were at the start of our journeys.  

[Cromwell]

Thanks Brighter.

It is easier from my view to just be dealing with facebook messages. The thing that got me surprised was after I told her I dont have a car anymore, she then shortly (5mins) after asked "do any of your friends have one?"

No messages today (I stopped replying) I just gave a thumbs up to her previous ones specifically where she said "have a good night"

today 2 calls from different numbers but no messages. The thought train has not left the station, it could be from anyone and ill leave it that. I dont play the lottery so I know its not chasing me for the ticket I have not claimed. It could be job interview offers, I dont answer unknown calls, in this day and age if its important they can email. A lot of scam ones recently too (it is widespread across the UK), so I also for that reason.

Otherwise to update its been a nice day, went into work, saw family, chatted to friends, all positive interactions. Got my last exam result and graduated college.

a few folk (none on this board) have questioned the point of having her in contact. I dont know why I did at first, but I know its not for a recycle. It is keeping her beyond arms-reach at a safe distance as a gradual way towards learning how to accept the emotion of fear, not let it cascade into anxiety. its been 4 years of needing to keep her entirely away, enough time to build up a wall and some citadels, lookout towers, moat. im content with her calling distance, im unassailable.

[Cromwell]

Had a pleasant conversation today with her. She puts me in good mood than acts flirtatious but i just overlook that. Light conversation nothing going into emotional alley ways. Perhaps it is possible to main tain this dynamic. I had an awful sleep last night though with terrible dream about her. Unusual as i rarely recall dreams. It featured intense underlying animosity, contempt and ill feeling. Perhaps this is my reason d etre for wishing this contact. The interaction is a fraction of my day plus some documentation here. I then continue with life as normal. My aim is when faced with any dysregulation to dampen it down, withdraw if necessary and set about defining the boundaries. How she interprets it is anyone's guess, i know that consistent maintained unwavering behavior is the key forward. Its not difficult im not 'enthralled' by her as i once was. 4 years has helped and plenty reflection of the abuse. I haven't suffered, required therapy and gone through those unhappy days, days of umbrage and 6 loneliness for no reason. This contact is i hope an opportunity for more healthy closure on both sides, primarily my own, it is selfish motivated and about time too.

[nicholas]

Sounds familiar Cromwell... thanks for sharing because I am in a kind of similar situation... although mine doesn’t need to be rescued, she asks when am I going to visit her... I feel at a safe distance now, but could see myself getting attached all over again... the experience you expressed is how I realize to enjoy the detachment from the distance. Thanks for the reminder

[khibomsis]

congratulations on graduating I can see your desire for closure at this juncture. Wishing you happy new beginnings! 

[Cromwell]

I understand this feeling well Nicholas it's good to hear there's something productive in this i can share. She messaged again today, this time music sharing, fairly innocuous. I feel ok with light conversation for 20mins then close and get on with other things. It was a overcast grey day and in the past I'd read these emotive messages as being special. I know that they are just sweet talk to allay her need for attention, to mitigate moments of either boredom or incapable of being alone. My learned attitude is that im ok as long as it doesn't hinder me. I don't mind some small talk now and again : from anyone of my contacts. And that's all she is. The history is the past, and so was the pain. Its gone today by accepting the existentince materially of the here and now.

I also realise I've became generally less emotionally swayed by songs and so on. The last time i cried tears was at an opera, and that's fine, the melody hits those brain regions. It was in a joyful way not a draining way. I've learned the difference.

And thanks khimbosis. It's a big deal to me, when i finished the relationship i could not read a couple lines of sentences {had to reread them 3 to 5 times over} such a debilitated mess. 5 years ago. So graduating was part of a determination to counteract that. It took awhile and i still have work to do. Structure and flow is a weak point, sentences that over run and are too lengthy. Im Working on it. A metric that helps me to gauge my recovery from that angle.

Thanks folks for everything past and present.

[Cromwell]

She never messaged today. Didnt ask how i was 'feeling'... ZERO attention

Just the way i like it

[brighter future]

She never messaged today. Didnt ask how i was 'feeling'... ZERO attention

Just the way i like it

Glad she's leaving alone for now, Cromwell. Maybe she found someone else to give her attention that also happens to own a car. That way they can cart her around town. It's crazy how when these people find someone else to meet their needs, you become dead to them until they need you again at a later date. Zero attention is much better than being used. I agree.

[Cromwell]

If its not about a car, then its about simply being drawn in for a pity party. I reckon shes playing around now but alternating in depression. She did message later to say how angry she was at this guy and how she wont be judged by others...

Yawn

I just clicked a thumbs up button and went on to other messages.

this is strange to be in contact but therapeutic, its helped me to see with the non emotional glasses on. its actually eroding more of the "crystallised" feelings I once had, it helps to see that the memories were of a time where I was very much innocent and unaware. I see her more for who she is than what I had wanted to see her as.

I wont be suckered in, Brighter, thanks for the support. its getting very easy and this attachment feels non existent, if not that, dangling by a frayed strand.

I went to a party yesterday had great time, going out again, dont think of her. A friend suggested its time I moved on, and In my heart I happened to agree, I feel ready. it helps to contrast how happy ive became without her and then to only get pity, attention seeking messages that give me a wince feeling when I read them. She can stay as a "friend" but all she will get is "yea" and banal, bland responses. Like phoning up a call centre sort of thing. Im not out to upset her, im wanting to get over my fears and this contact is going well so far.

shes probably bored, perpetually, ruminating and would like some sort of feeder in to my life and new contacts to start creating drama with again. I decided to take that risk, but not encourage it, not meet her and invite her to partys like I used to. no 'networking'. if she starts "cold calling", i'll hear back about it and friends close to me dont know her will be confused. I think shed like to integrate herself. Lets see how it goes and if my hunch is right.

[khibomsis]

Well done Cromwell! You should be proud of yourself. It is strange the way trauma finds expression, not being able to read must have been hard.

Your ex might have been a different person had she stayed with you and chosen to work on her issues. We each have a choice to get better or to stagnate. It seems she made the wrong ones. It is sad to see in someone you once loved.

But you chose to grow. Well done!

[Sappho11]

Well done Cromwell! You should be proud of yourself. It is strange the way trauma finds expression, not being able to read must have been hard.

Your ex might have been a different person had she stayed with you and chosen to work on her issues. We each have a choice to get better or to stagnate. It seems she made the wrong ones. It is sad to see in someone you once loved.

But you chose to grow. Well done!

This!