Twists and turns of life

[shu87]

Hello everyone,

Borderline Personality Disorder cannot be fixed? Leaves me with no hope at all. My better half I think is suffering from BPD. He's got total control over my finances, and every single thing I do on a day to day basis. He's also panicked about anyone seeing me, he wants to protect me from everyone's eyes especially other men. Kind of possessive I think. Initially I felt good that he loves me so much, but that was not the case, it could be abandonment issue.

It all started one day, when I was just lost in my thoughts and my vision happened to be on a man jogging.  There came an outburst of anger, and blame game, blaming me for cheating on him and looking at another man. That was so unbelievable , I was totally heart broken. He made me feel so guilty of my faults. He says it's all about perception, and I shouldn't be looking at anyone. From then on believe it or not, I am so scared to lift my head up and walk. I self doubted myself so much. He won't let me go out alone anywhere, need to be always accompanied by him. Stopped doing yard work, cause he didn't want neighbors looking at me.

Then it continued, he stopped all contacts with my friends, he claims that all my friends are not good to be with. They would influence me in the wrong way, say bad things about him etc, So my phone number was changed , hence no one could reach me. He kept a tab on the calls I make, to make sure I had no out going calls. I had to use only his phone, and leave the speaker on for him to listen to our conversation. This would be the case when I had to call my parents too.

Everyday , everything I talk matters to him, even the tone. When he has his panic attack it's all about how bad I am , and how much he hates me and wants me to be dead. 

We have two beautiful kids, he's made them believe that I am the bad Mom here. I can say he loves his kids and the kids love him too. They are best buddies. I love this part even though I feel a bid jealous for not being part of them. I love my family I wish things could become normal between us. Wish there was a solution for BPD.

I just need to help myself first to live through this each day. Glad to belong to this group.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[shu87]

Hello everyone,

Borderline Personality Disorder cannot be fixed? Leaves me with no hope at all. My better half I think is suffering from BPD. He's got total control over my finances, and every single thing I do on a day to day basis. He's also panicked about anyone seeing me, he wants to protect me from everyone's eyes especially other men. Kind of possessive I think. Initially I felt good that he loves me so much, but that was not the case, it could be abandonment issue.

It all started one day, when I was just lost in my thoughts and my vision happened to be on a man jogging.  There came an outburst of anger, and blame game, blaming me for cheating on him and looking at another man. That was so unbelievable , I was totally heart broken. He made me feel so guilty of my faults. He says it's all about perception, and I shouldn't be looking at anyone. From then on believe it or not, I am so scared to lift my head up and walk. I self doubted myself so much. He won't let me go out alone anywhere, need to be always accompanied by him. Stopped doing yard work, cause he didn't want neighbors looking at me.

Then it continued, he stopped all contacts with my friends, he claims that all my friends are not good to be with. They would influence me in the wrong way, say bad things about him etc, So my phone number was changed , hence no one could reach me. He kept a tab on the calls I make, to make sure I had no out going calls. I had to use only his phone, and leave the speaker on for him to listen to our conversation. This would be the case when I had to call my parents too. He's been upset with his siblings and family too. Everyone close to him are the bad one's here. 

Everyday , everything I talk matters to him, even the tone. When he has his panic attack it's all about how bad of a wife I am , and how much he hates me and wants me to be dead. This time I was strong, I did not feel the guilt come over me, I just listened and did not pounce back, did not talk a word. He was upset because I was wearing tights at home. He made me change and cut the tights up because it was too tight and inappropriate. Really at this point all that mattered for me was peace within myself. Thanks to the tips given at this site. There's no use arguing with someone who thinks and says irrationally. Nothing makes sense to them, and they would never agree to listen to us either.  One thing I did realize is he gets upset for one thing, but blames it on another thing. Eg. If he's jealous of something, he'd throw his tantrum on my behavior etc, and scares me. 

 The following day everything seems normal, like nothing happened. He starts caring for me etc. How can people change like this. I am too scared of the outcome to my life.

We have two beautiful kids, he's made them believe that I am the bad Mom here. I can say he loves his kids and the kids love him too. They are best buddies. I love this part even though I feel a bit jealous for not being part of them. I love my family I wish things could become normal between us. Wish there was a solution for BPD.

I just need to help myself first to live through this each day. Glad to belong to this group.

[babyducks]

Hello shu87 and welcome to the group.

Borderline Personality Disorder cannot be fixed?

BPD, Borderline Personality Disorder is an illness that exists on a spectrum.    Meaning it can be quite mild, where a person has some traits of the illness but wouldn't necessarily qualify for a diagnosis, to quite a serious mental illness.

Think of it like arthritis.    Arthritis can be mild to crippling.     and like arthritis, can't be ~cured~ but can be managed with a lot of work and support.

I am glad you joined us here and I want to encourage you to be careful about clearing the history on your web browser and not leaving this website open.

and I want to encourage you to come here and read and post a lot.   it really does help.    the simple process of writing out your thoughts will make things clearer.    and the more you read and the more you post the clearer things will become for you.

it sounds like you've got alot going on and its taken a while for things to become this difficult for you.   it will take a while to work your way to a better place.

Then it continued, he stopped all contacts with my friends, he claims that all my friends are not good to be with. They would influence me in the wrong way, say bad things about him etc, So my phone number was changed , hence no one could reach me. He kept a tab on the calls I make, to make sure I had no out going calls. I had to use only his phone, and leave the speaker on for him to listen to our conversation. This would be the case when I had to call my parents too.

How do you feel about him having this level of control over you and what you do?    Do you feel this is healthy and setting a good example for the kids?    are there things you would like to change about how your relationship is playing out?

'ducks

[shu87]

Hello @babyducks
How do you feel about him having this level of control over you and what you do?    Do you feel this is healthy and setting a good example for the kids?    are there things you would like to change about how your relationship is playing out?

I am glad there is someone to listen, yes I do clear my browser history. He's had everything under control ever since we're married. But I gained some freedom, since I am a working mom. But again I have lost it all for now. I have no option but to suck it in. It literally feels like I am jailed. I think I feel healthy because I don't revolt in any arguments, because anything he argues about is so irrational, does not even make any sense. It feels like pure jealousy, he ramps up high when he's jealous about something.

My kids are handling it better than me though. They trust him on everything he says. He understands them, supports them with all their needs.

The way I cope with it is to ignore all the noise, and just find peace within myself. The one thing I want to change is probably the trust, he's probably lost all that with me. I might be the reason for him to be suffering from BPD. When your not aware of what's happening, you tend to make matters worse, I think that's what's happened with my life.

Looks like a long journey to heal. The only thing I need to have is patience. I have sacrificed friends , fun , chatting, shopping, gardening, walking, biking, ... nothing really matters at this point except peace within.

Thanks for listening.

[alterK]

Wow, Shu87, you are in a tough situation! It seems you are starting to fear there is no solution, since every time you concede to one of your husband's demands it's followed by a new one that's more severe and outrageous. And am I right in picking up on some fear that eventually this may end with your being physically hurt?

Your H has convinced himself that he is justified in feeling outrage and blaming you any time he thinks you just might possibly be doing something wrong, and that you are always the one at fault. Therefore, he's completely justified, no matter what he does to you.

Countering with reason will not help. As others on this board have said, for a BPD person, their emotions are reality. This is bass-ackways from what we usually think, that emotional responses should be based on real things. It's a sad situation for them, because they feel so much distress and distrust, but you cannot change that perception.

When my BPD-ish wife gets upset, she recalls mistakes I have made, angry things I have done, going back years. How horrible that all those things are so alive still in her mind, ready to be called up so quickly! And in those moments, all the good times we've had together, all the ways I have helped her in times of trouble, go right out the window. But, sadly, that is her reality, and I can't argue her out of it. Kinda like my dog who goes nuts when we walk past the place where he thought he just might have seen a squirrel two nights ago--only a lot worse.

You really, really need to rescue yourself. You sound badly beaten down. Reaching out here is a good beginning. You will be taking chances, as your H is so attuned to your behavior that he's likely to notice any change and, well, not react positively. I suggest you start with something that will make you feel better about yourself, that he is not likely to notice. Something you can do when he's not home, maybe (like this msg board). Good luck!

[babyducks]

hello again shu87

It feels like pure jealousy, he ramps up high when he's jealous about something.

I am sure it does feel like that.    I sure it feels like he is wildly jealous.     I think what is really going on is much more complicated than that.   People motivated by the need to look down on others to feel less ashamed of themselves are responding to queues and signals inside themselves.   You were lazily watching a guy jogging.    Distracted and not paying attention, you watched someone healthy doing something healthy.   You did nothing wrong.   It was the ordinary simple behavior of a normal person.    Heck when I go to the park I watch the joggers and the bikers because they are interesting.    Your husband's reaction is all about his thought processes not yours.   You are not responsible for his reaction to his emotions.    His insecurity, his fear of not being loveable, his thinking the jogger is a 'better' generated an out of proportion reaction.    He is attempting to control his fears and insecurities by controlling you.   

Does that make any sense to you?     What do you think when you read that?   Agree?   Disagree?   Have questions?

The one thing I want to change is probably the trust, he's probably lost all that with me.

The more you give in to his demands,... the more you acquiesce to his demands,... the more you consent to have your phone calls monitored,... the more you reinforce his ideas and feelings about you.   and if you can be trusted.

what you describe, how you exist inside this 'jail', creates situations where he is always proved 'right'.

unless I have misread your posts,  there are very few situations where he doesn't monitor you so he never has the opportunity to trust you and find out that is a good thing.

I might be the reason for him to be suffering from BPD.

You're not.    It doesn't work that way.   No one is 100% sure of what causes BPD but there is wide spread agreement that its formed in childhood.  Either by young childhood trauma, or physical changes in the brain or both.

When your not aware of what's happening, you tend to make matters worse, I think that's what's happened with my life.

This is true.     

There are a lot of resources packed into this website.    I am going to include a link to a post that you might not have seen yet.     Its from Tools and Workshops area of the main page.     when you are ready click on the line below. 

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62266.0

the thread talks about how it's important not to become isolated. It's important to have a significant emotional support system for yourself.    there are some pretty high level relationship ideas/skills in that thread, but I do want to point out that coming here and posting can help develop one support system for yourself.

looking forward to your reply.
'ducks

[shu87]

hello everyone

@alterk this is exactly what happens in every argument. It's unbelievable how it's stuck in their heads.
When my BPD-ish wife gets upset, she recalls mistakes I have made, angry things I have done, going back years. How horrible that all those things are so alive still in her mind, ready to be called up so quickly! And in those moments, all the good times we've had together, all the ways I have helped her in times of trouble, go right out the window. But, sadly, that is her reality, and I can't argue her out of it. Kinda like my dog who goes nuts when we walk past the place where he thought he just might have seen a squirrel two nights ago--only a lot worse.

@babyduck

Thank you for sharing the resource it's very helpful. All I need is support that's what I get here. Appreciate all your concerns and yes he is attempting to control his fears and insecurities by controlling me.  I also agree that I am too weak in from of him physically.

I feel really sad and empathetic for him too.

Since I am aware of what's happening I am no longer afraid of anything and neither am I guilty of anything. At this point I am not scared even if he hurts me physically. My mental hurt is so overpowering , a cut or a bruise won't hurt at all. "Words are sharper than knife" if we can survive that, we can overcome anything.

This group makes me get stronger day by day. Thanks for listening.

[babyducks]

I feel really sad and empathetic for him too.

of course you do shu87.     my relationship ended a long time ago but I still feel sad when I think of how my partner struggled with every day life.    I think its tragic that she couldn't share her life and trust the people around her.

how are you doing today?