Moving In Together

[jmbl]

My partner of 2 years (BPD) and I just moved in together. It has been one month, and he just has told me that he hates it here and it is his "living hell." Up until this week, things were seemingly normal. However, this past week he became increasingly angry, until a full breakdown yesterday. I stayed with a friend to let him be alone, and today he called me at 9:00 asking to take him to the emergency department. Upon return home, he slept, and woke up happy. However, he quickly became anxious and wanted to leave the house. He now tells me that he didn't want to come back home because he can't be alone in his house now, and that he is planning to move out. I am unsure of what to do going forward as I do not know if he is being serious or if this is an impulsive reaction. Any advice or insight would be greatly appreciated. Thank you. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

You are wise to come here and post.  This is definitely erratic and unusual behavior.

What did they do for him at the emergency department?


Trying to keep someone where they repeatedly state they don't want to be...doesn't seem wise.  Is that fair/make sense?

Do I understand correctly that you didn't see any weird behavior until moving in together?

Best,

FF

[jmbl]

Hi FF,

Thank you. I am at a loss of what to do. The strange behaviour started once we moved in together. No, it is not my decision to keep someone where they do not want to be. He has persistently said that he wants us to be together, but he is struggling to live with another person. We have also both just started new jobs (by fluke), and I worry that this amount of transition has negatively impacted him permanently. Originally, he was going to take the summer off and do psychotherapy (he returns in September to finish the final practicum for his Masters program), however an opportunity came up that he didn't want to turn down. I also think that a decision to move out may be an irrational/impulsive one, one which he may regret after the act is complete.

We had to go to the hospital because during his breakdown he threw all of his medication into the river, and he was not due for a refill for another two weeks. I suspect that he also overused his medication over the past two weeks.

The biggest problem is my dog. I have had my dog for quite some time, and she has been a very calm dog. However, living together in a new environment she has become more energetic and listens less. I have enrolled her in obedience school and I am buying a "beep" collar to help control her behaviour. The best thing for him would be for me to rehome her, but it breaks my heart and I feel completely lost. I don't want to be faced with an ultimatum, but I don't want my partner to feel pushed away because of a dog.

[EZEarache]

The biggest problem is my dog. I have had my dog for quite some time, and she has been a very calm dog. However, living together in a new environment she has become more energetic and listens less. I have enrolled her in obedience school and I am buying a "beep" collar to help control her behaviour. The best thing for him would be for me to rehome her, but it breaks my heart and I feel completely lost. I don't want to be faced with an ultimatum, but I don't want my partner to feel pushed away because of a dog.

If it wasn't the dog, it would have been something else, most likely. If you make a "bargain" to get rid of the dog, it will improve things for a while. However, as another stress trigger comes up there will be something new. The dog will probably adjust to him, before he ever sorts himself out. In my opinion I wouldn't get rid of the dog.

[jmbl]

I agree with you. I also think that, regardless of moving in together, he may be experiencing a breakdown regardless. We have noticed that he has a 6-month cycle, and he mentioned this yesterday in a moment of clarity.

He does not want me to get rid of my dog - he recognizes the impact that this would have on me and that it is an unfair thing to ask.

[formflier]

So his transition into the home stirred things up with the dog...seems reasonable.

Why doesn't he take the dog to obedience classes and "take responsibility" for resettling things?

Very important to place responsibility/action items back to a pwBPD.

However...I'm really struck that you are still living with someone that throws their medication in the river.  What goes in the water next?

Best,

FF

[jmbl]

I have never seen him exhibit this behaviour, and to tell the truth I wonder if he "threw it in" or, in a spell of disassociation, fumbled them into the water, which I have seen happen.

He has stated that he feels he is in a state of disassociation, I wondered if he is in psychosis. Despite my responses using principles of empathy and SET, his anger is pervasive.

I recognize that it is not me or the dog that are the problem. Transitions are hard for anyone, never mind a person with BPD. He is fearful that I will leave him (he is divorced) and I recognize the complicated relationship at play between fear of abandonment/fear of intimacy.

I will note - we both recognize the importance of psychotherapy. We currently do not have benefits, and these will kick in within 3 months (I just began work as a Registered Nurse). For the first time yesterday, he stated "I no longer want to do psychotherapy, I don't want you to make calls or inquire into the recommended psychologists."

[formflier]

If FF could respond to that statement about no therapy.

"I'm saddened to hear that.  I understood that to be a critical part of us building a successful relationship together.  How do you want me to interpret what you have said?"

What do you think he would say?

What did you actually say?

Best,

FF

[jmbl]

My response was essentially:

"I understand why you may feel that way right now, and I won't push for anything you feel uncomfortable with. I hope that you will change your mind, and we can discuss it again at a later date."

I believe that his response to your comment would be "I don't want to work on it - I don't think it will make a difference. My life will never change."

He is feeling a great deal of despair. He recognizes the goodness that is happening in his life right now, but feels (as his history shows) that his behaviour will result in losing everything. Outside of his internal self, his life has fallen into place. I do not want him to throw away his life or give up on himself. I am a fairly adaptable person and I don't take what he says personally.

FF, thank you. This is such a difficult road to navigate, but it is one of the most important in my life. He is the love of my life. I have known of his BPD since we began dating, and I have been learning and adapting along the way to ensure his psychological safety (while maintaining my own boundaries and wellbeing).