I think my wife has BPD / And I'm being blamed for everything

[Depression = 72% of members]

I honestly hate writing and feel like I'm betraying her even writing this - but I am at a real loss. We are in the midst of so much with Covid coming to a close, construction on our house and months pregnant, it has all caught up with her and she's frustrated about everything. She has always been this way, but it has lessened and come back and now it's really coming hard. While I understand the reasons behind it, it feels the rage is out of step with what is reasonable and the personal attacks are so hurtful that I'm having real trouble keeping my cool. I'm not a big drinker, but I've definitely started drinking more in the last few months to let off steam... I'd say 1-4 drinks a night; it feels like the only treat I get to myself in the midst of her frustrated with the noise from the construction, the time it's going to take to finish the project, the endless noise, the discomfort she is feeling in her body... and while I know all of that is true - I can promise you it's not nearly as bad as it sounds... the noise is incessant... for an hour or 2; but then it stops... "Go for a walk, work at your parents, run some errands..." Rational suggestions then get turned on me as not being caring, not setting boundaries for the construction workers, this was a big mistake, why don't you stand up etc...

The attacks are getting so personal even though the bigger decisions of what I feel like are good for our current and long term plans, are now at the core of a breaking point for her and she's asking me to sleep somewhere else. Today the breaking point was because she noticed that I now have a drink every night - and she resents that I'm doing that... I promised i'd stop drinking all together, which really doesn't feel like a big deal for me to do... we woke up this morning and the workers didn't put plastic in the way to guard the rest of our house, and 30 min of dry wall dust got into our home... she lost it - told me I had to sleep out - that I don't stand up for our family...

I mopped and wiped up the dust in less than 20 min; it was nothing.

When I look at every question of qualities of someone with BPD - my wife feels like she its each one. I am at a loss. I am having serious regrets about marriage let alone pregnancy... and now I'm worried about how my future child is going to handle this - how I'm going to be able to stand up to her in protection of our kid... I wish I had a community of people who knew exactly what I was going through - and could give me guidance.

[Radcliffe]

I honestly hate writing and feel like I'm betraying her even writing this - but I am at a real loss. We are in the midst of so much with Covid coming to a close, construction on our house and months pregnant, it has all caught up with her and she's frustrated about everything. She has always been this way, but it has lessened and come back and now it's really coming hard. While I understand the reasons behind it, it feels the rage is out of step with what is reasonable and the personal attacks are so hurtful that I'm having real trouble keeping my cool. I'm not a big drinker, but I've definitely started drinking more in the last few months to let off steam... I'd say 1-4 drinks a night; it feels like the only treat I get to myself in the midst of her frustrated with the noise from the construction, the time it's going to take to finish the project, the endless noise, the discomfort she is feeling in her body... and while I know all of that is true - I can promise you it's not nearly as bad as it sounds... the noise is incessant... for an hour or 2; but then it stops... "Go for a walk, work at your parents, run some errands..." Rational suggestions then get turned on me as not being caring, not setting boundaries for the construction workers, this was a big mistake, why don't you stand up etc...

The attacks are getting so personal even though the bigger decisions of what I feel like are good for our current and long term plans, are now at the core of a breaking point for her and she's asking me to sleep somewhere else. Today the breaking point was because she noticed that I now have a drink every night - and she resents that I'm doing that... I promised i'd stop drinking all together, which really doesn't feel like a big deal for me to do... we woke up this morning and the workers didn't put plastic in the way to guard the rest of our house, and 30 min of dry wall dust got into our home... she lost it - told me I had to sleep out - that I don't stand up for our family...

I mopped and wiped up the dust in less than 20 min; it was nothing.

When I look at every question of qualities of someone with BPD - my wife feels like she its each one. I am at a loss. I am having serious regrets about marriage let alone pregnancy... and now I'm worried about how my future child is going to handle this - how I'm going to be able to stand up to her in protection of our kid... I wish I had a community of people who knew exactly what I was going through - and could give me guidance.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Skip]

I honestly hate writing and feel like I'm betraying her even writing this - but I am at a real loss.

Try not to look at this as betrayal. We are not here to undermine your wife. We are here to coach you on how to better your relationship.

I encourage you not to disclose your work here. You need a confidant. We will be that for you.

You've already realized this, but it won't hurt to say it. All of us are at our worst when stress exceeds our buffer to absorb it. Your wife's buffer is less than yours. If she has any BPD tendencies, she will fell disproportionate  hurt and she will respond accordingly - or as you have seen, disproportionate to the situation.

You can try to get her out of "pains way" (and you should), but you have to be very careful not to become a "mouse being swatted around by a cat" for stress relief.

In short, you want to take smart corrective actions. You do not want to cower to please. You want to be clear that you care for her. You want to provide strength and leadership. You want to let her self sooth.

Members can help you unpack all this. I'm just trying to draw a quick roadmap to let you know you can navigate this for the good of all.

This is harder than golf.   

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