Broken Up but Hopeful for Recovery

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Last week, after 2.5 years together and 1 year of officially being diagnosed, I broke up with my boyfriend who has BPD. We were living together and the separation was made after weekly splits and outbursts over a few month period. Previous to that, there had been almost no issues for 3 months and I foolishly thought that the worst of it was over.

I am sure I am not the only person to have ever felt this way, but I am hopeful that my ex-partner will recover. He has been in DBT therapy for a year, fully accepts his diagnosis, and proposed the split to spare me from the pain he was inflicting on our relationship. I fully believe he is committed to being healthy and I plan on spending time with my own therapist to figure out why I stayed with someone who is clearly in severe distress.

Has anyone ever had their partner make a successful recovery? I believe this break-up is what is best for the both of us, but we both hope to eventually get healthy as individuals and then be together again one day. Is this just wishful thinking? Thank you all in advance for any advice. I am feeling quite helpless.

[esquared41]

Last week, after 2.5 years together and 1 year of officially being diagnosed, I broke up with my boyfriend who has BPD. We were living together and the separation was made after weekly splits and outbursts over a few month period. Previous to that, there had been almost no issues for 3 months and I foolishly thought that the worst of it was over.

I am sure I am not the only person to have ever felt this way, but I am hopeful that my ex-partner will recover. He has been in DBT therapy for a year, fully accepts his diagnosis, and proposed the split to spare me from the pain he was inflicting on our relationship. I fully believe he is committed to being healthy and I plan on spending time with my own therapist to figure out why I stayed with someone who is clearly in severe distress.

Has anyone ever had their partner make a successful recovery? I believe this break-up is what is best for the both of us, but we both hope to eventually get healthy as individuals and then be together again one day. Is this just wishful thinking? Thank you all in advance for any advice. I am feeling quite helpless.

[once removed]

Is this just wishful thinking?

ill never forget that when i came here, a member told me that it (my thinking) was.

my circumstances were a bit different than yours. my ex broke up with me, and she also jumped very quickly into a new relationship. i was also conflicted about it, and its easy to see today that she and i were not meant to be.

one thing i would tell you is that the outcome is probably not dependent on whether or not he recovers from BPD, or to what extent. what that would necessarily look like, were it to occur, would alter your relationship in unpredictable ways.

what were some of the big problem areas in your relationship?

[esquared41]

Thanks so much for your response. I'm glad to know I'm not alone in this!

It was a gradual process that led to me ultimately realizing that he won't recover if I stick around. Over our 2.5 years, I've witnessed him commit several acts of self-harm, he had been taken to the hospital twice for suicide attempts, and had even twice harmed me (which is inexcusable, I do know that). The past month before our break-up, he was so scared of either hurting me or himself that he would flee our apartment and disappear with little contact for days at a time. It was extremely distressing and anxiety-inducing. He was easily triggered during this time. I also learned that this past year had resulted in some serious financial struggles for him that made me question his ability to function in a way I hadn't before. I know that his current status is not what I want in a life partner and that is why the relationship ended.

I do think it would take years for him to reach a point of stability that would make me seriously consider letting him back into my life as a romantic partner. But I cannot imagine my life without him. I know that is silly, and I am in therapy to begin untangling why I feel that way, but I know his intrinsic character and do think he is the best person I've ever met. It's very hard at this point to let go of the dream of him.

[Sappho11]

I'm in a similar situation. You're not alone.   Therapy is a good start for sure!

Good on you for having clear boundaries and being firm about them -- realising that his current state does not live up to your expectations of a life partner. I wish I'd had the courage to leave with dignity like you.

Please take the following with a grain of salt. The problem in my relationship was that I attached to a False Self, the grandiose projection of/by my ex which he presented at the start (and which cropped up every now and again even later): loving, kind, affectionate, empathetic, protective, enthusiastic. Over the course of the relationship, I had to realise that this was but the highlight reel at best, if not complete fiction, and that his True Self didn't really exist. There was only angst, shame, guilt, a huge lack of self-esteem, fear of abandonment, enmeshment and co-dependency, all of which contributed to a toxic push-pull dynamic.

That said, even now that we're broken up and I realise I've been living a fantasy completely divorced from reality, I keep hoping for him to "change" and be the man he never truly was in the first place. The only way forward is to remind myself every. single. day that what I thought I loved was a mere spectre, a fancy, a folly. The mind knows this. The heart however has a hard time catching up. "But he was special. He's so different from all the guys you've dated before/are dating now." That's the trickiest part to navigate.

It's a rocky road.