Projecting, confusion and how to deal with it Help needed

[EZEarache]

If that makes sense?

Nope, I quit trying to make any sense out of BPD behavior, LOL.

he had just assaulted me and called me every name under the sun and made me strip half naked as he watched me having a panic attack and drive home.

This sounds just completely awful, I'm sorry you had to experience this. It does start to get easier from my experience.

[babyducks]

. A couple of weeks later he admitted to me that he knew the photos weren't me but he wanted to convince himself so he was looking for anything he could do convince himself into believing something he knew wasnt even true. If that makes sense?

in the BPD world they look for reasons to explain their chaotic behavior and emotions.   they look to match the 'facts' to their 'feelings'    he felt insecure... there had to be a reason...you had to be in these photos... so yes it makes sense but no its not logical.

[Breakingpoint13]

What frustrates me more than anything is just how much he can flip from understanding this and admitting it to being in complete denial with it all.

I tried everything I can to help him, but I know I cant help those who dont want to be helped. I can also only imagine how hard it is to accept you need to change or want to change, if you don't know who you even are in the first place. I feel like in my situation this is what is his case.

[Breakingpoint13]

he emailed me after two weeks no contact just telling me to PLEASE READ me, two weeks nothing and Ive just had a email off him telling me hes moved on. I shouldnt have responded but I did just saying Im happy for him.

I just feel like i've started this pain journey all over again. Any advice?

[Breakingpoint13]

just feel so hurt, sorry I'm starting to panic, I'm sick of this! I wish I could just turn my feelings off! I hate that he can still hurt me!

[Breakingpoint13]

I dont want him, hes been awful to me! im just so hurt that he can still hurt me and no matter what hes always in the back of my mind! I hate that I dont know how to not let him hurt me.

[Sappho11]

Breakingpoint, it feels terrible, but there's one good half in the whole thing:

You hurt because you care. Because you have the ability to care. Because you have the ability to fully engage in a relationship emotionally. This is great!

It also hurts. This isn't your fault. It hurts because your ex does hurtful things, and did them over the course of your relationship. With his last email, he's acted selfishly (again) and hurtfully (again).

These are two halves that luckily (!) don't fit together.

Listen to the part in yourself that's hurting you. It's hurting because it's telling you to get away from this unhealthy, harmful human being that is your ex.

NEVER once doubt yourself. You have these feelings because you are ABLE to truly engage with another person, which he CAN'T. When the dust settles, you'll always have yourself, your healthy, good, trusting self that can form true connections with other people.

This is something your ex will never experience, no matter how often he might tell you he's "moved on". Truth is, he'll never move on; he'll merely be looking for new supply to fill his emptiness inside, and no matter what he'll do, NOTHING will ever fill this void.

You are whole; that's why you're hurting. And you will come out on top, because you have all the qualities to have a fulfilling relationship, something which he completely lacks.

Time will prove it. Hang in there!

[babyducks]

hello breakingpoint13

it is going to be all right.    I know it feels like absolute  right now, but it is going to be allright.

there are a lot of things going on here, but first take a couple of deep breaths before we start to look at some of them.

it is very very normal to have 'stress' reactions as we leave these types of abusive reactions.    I did.    many others here did.     I am taking about stress reactions similar to a PTSD type reaction.    now most peoples first thought is of a soldier home from the battlefield reacting to the bang of fireworks  when they think of PTSD.    which of course is very very valid.   (and People the 4th of July is coming - please be mindful of your fireworks)   

now if you think of that PTSD -  think of how our reactions are similar.   not quite the same of course,  but similar.    there are different types of stress disorders caused by different types of trauma.     if you were in a car accident, hit by someone driving a red car, it would be very normal for you to develop a reaction to red cars.    you don't decide to develop a reaction to red cars.   your brain does it for you.    it has a fancy name.   this doesn't mean anything is wrong with you.

do you know who Patty Hearst is?   She was kidnapped by a bunch of terrorist years ago and ended up joining the group that kidnapped her.    Why did she do that?     because her emotional brain over ruled her logical brain and said 'its safer when they are happier with me'.    which was true.    to a degree.   

that's sort of what you have going on.    your emotional brain has tried to protect you by telling you  - its safer, better, right when he is happier with me.     when he isn't happy with me - the world is ending.

some people call this an emotional flashback.     some people call this Complex PTSD.   some people call it a reaction to trauma.   some people call this a trauma bond.   some people call it an Amygdala Hijack.   it doesn't really matter what name you use.   the panic and hurt you feel are okay.   and they will go away.

try to focus on your breathing and to stay in the moment.     when you feel your thoughts rocketing off... focus on your breathing and count all the blue things in the room with you.   or count all the right angles you can find.    doesn't matter what you focus on... try to bring yourself back to the present,  the now,.. the real.

does this make sense?

'ducks

[Breakingpoint13]

it does,

just look at his response,

No you know nothing and neither do I need to nor will I explain myself to you I know I was faithful I don’t care if you think differently that’s you !
Be alone ? I’m nearly 36 I wanna get married have another kid Iv got a lot of love to give and no I don’t want to be alone anyway this conversation is over we all deserve some happiness especially after the last 12-18 month of life ..
My relationship with family and friends is stronger than ever my relationship with (his son) is on a complete other level my hypnosis therapy is doing wonders for me so yes I am happy and honestly I hope you are too ...

Is this all a projection? Like I did nothing but try my best and help him, I wanted those things with him but he wouldnt allow it! Also why even message to tell me that?

[babyducks]

bp13 -

try to turn the focus away from him.    gently gently redirect your thoughts away from him.   focus on something that can't hurt you.   the birds in the yard.   the rain.   

being hypervigilant on him and his message is not helping you.    it doesn't matter what he said.     release it.   let it go.

[Breakingpoint13]

Thank you, and just to confirm no response from me is the right response yes?

I just dont know how someone so hurtful can be "happy". I havent hurt him, ive tried really hard to work on us, to work on myself, and im not happy.  I wish I could just erase him from my memory.

[Breakingpoint13]

Ive just had another one that says im the manipulative one whos life doesnt add up and that he hates me. - Im sure he wont reach out again but they are all automatically sent to bin now.

[babyducks]

Bp13

I have been where you are now.

I am telling you the way out is to figure out what is going on with you.

I am telling you that figuring out what is going on with him is not going to help you.

No response to him could possibly be helpful right now.

When are you next seeing your therapist?

[Breakingpoint13]

im awaiting a new one! so no idea.

I did what you said, I focused on the now I focused on me and i feel alot better again. He can do what he wants, I don't deserve this and I don't want to be a part of it.

I'll heal from this and be happy! I can be honest, I can be happy and I can love and be loved in return!

[babyducks]

 

Good job.

When you have those feelings of panic and hurt.   Go back and count all  the blue things around you.    Count the right angles.   Count the circles in the room.

This moves you out of your emotional mind and into your logical mind.    It puts you back in control of your own situation.

Google some of the terms I used upstream.    Especially how to respond to an emotional flashback.    Find tips.   That feel comfortable to you.

[Breakingpoint13]

Is that a psychological fact?

I just can not wait to be off this wave, I really cant. I know I need to ride it out and deal with it fully though for me to move on. I definitely feel like I have some of PTSD from my reaction to triggers. I just wish I had the ability to block it out and be done!

Thank you for your help.

[babyducks]

As much as anything is a psychological fact.

One of the reasons people tell you to breathe is because as we get tense our diaphragm muscles tense and our breathing becomes shallow and rapid.    Shallow rapid breathing causes the brain to panic.    And it becomes a loop.

Deeply breathing.   Forcing air into our lungs helps.    Sometimes it's called square breathing or 4 breathing.   Breathe in for a count of 4.   Hold it for a count of 4.   Push out for a count of 4.   Rest.   And do it again.

[Breakingpoint13]

Thank you, I have just tried this now!

I have decided tonight im going to write a goodbye letter to the old me, the hurt and get it all out as to just exactly what I have brought myself to, then i will finish it off with what I deserve.

Then Im going to burn it! Be gone old me. I need to be happy go lucky me again! He will always think im the devil and nothing i could have done would have changed that.

[Breakingpoint13]

Had a break down this monring! Over him, just completely not over what ive let him do to me! I cant wait for this to pass!
Id love to be able to feel the happiness they can within a matter of weeks and be able to completely change my brain and be happy! Its amazing...

[babyducks]

Id love to be able to feel the happiness they can within a matter of weeks and be able to completely change my brain and be happy! Its amazing...

well.   no.   its not.    amazing.    its a symptom of a serious mental illness.    its a reflection of the conflict that they live with.    

please stop taking everything he says and does at face value.  seriously.  please stop doing this.   his ability to recognize and reflect reality is very damaged.   his ability to function in reality is damaged.     yours is not.

the reality is that you will be feeling this for a while.     it takes a while to come to terms with the experience you have just been through.     having tough days does not mean you are loosing ground.   it means the hurt is coming out.    the hurt has to come out before you can pass through it.

what did you do yesterday to take care of yourself?    what did you do for yourself?

'ducks

[Breakingpoint13]

I know baby ducks, you’re completely right.

It’s just sometimes he had sat there and took comeplete accountability for what he had done and spoke to me about how he knew his last had effected him and then suddenly it flips. I know, I know I’ve read on it. But I just take it as being his truth. I know it’s not true, I know my truth but it still gets to me. I’m so frustrated at myself!

I worked out then I went and visited my parents. I was supposed to be skydiving this weekend but the weather has turned so now I don’t know how to keep myself busy!