Projecting, confusion and how to deal with it Help needed

[Breakingpoint13]

So a brief over view my ex was diagnosed throughout our relationship with BDP. He was on and off with therapy and I was in a very toxic job along with covid and was coming into a dark place myself. I was constantly walking on egg shells around him. He would constantly accuse me of cheating. He would read my phone, emails, even a old therapy diary. He rang numbers in my phone, which I was unaware of at the time. He would use his child against me, he physically assaulted me on more than one occasions. On Valentine’s Day he started sending me videos and photographs of a girl who he was saying was me and accusing me of doing porn throughout our relationship. He would say he hopes I die and didn’t care about me and that he was seeing other women (which he would then deny) have a break down and say it was because he couldn’t cope with the stress of his job. (A successful business owner). When Valentine’s Day came I really couldn’t cope I sent the screen shots to his family members and asked for help. He had told me he hadn’t slept in 3 days and I was worried knowing he had his child. His family just blocked me. (They never held him accountable, always my fault). He then started to send threatening emails to my so I phoned for a welfare check and called the police, with no intention of pressing charges I just wanted him to stop. All in which I have been branded disgusting for doing.

One point came back in November where he went for me and I left and barely spoke to him for a month. In that time he was contacting me saying how sorry he was and needed help and that I was the first person who had made him see he needed to chance and the first person he loved and the first person who stood up to him and he resented me for it.

Anyway back to the months after even after Valentine’s Day he kept asking for chances and asking what he could do to fix it, I kept saying I’m here but we can’t rush back into anything. Then one day I spoke with him and said look I want to make it work what can we do? Then with that response he didn’t want me any more. He said his new therapist and family all said I was toxic that I’m the ill one and that he didn’t care about me.

He then turned up at my house saying he was worried about me, I was in tears and said I don’t know why you’re here please leave. He then left sent me a email about how I needed to focus on myself and get better that he was strong and that he was really worried about me. I didn’t respond. That week I received abusive email after abusive email just saying how I was sick and a brain washer and he was fine and I’m the devil and it’s so clear to him.

I didn’t respond, I then sent a email in which I just told him how much I loved him, and was there for him. He replied to that saying how ill I was and that I was mad and to never contact him again. I didn’t hear anything and messaged a week later just saying the same, in which he said he’s fine I’m ill he’s going to call the police on me because I’m sick and not to contact him again.

I haven’t…

It’s been a week now though without either one contacting which is very unusual, he even left the country for a holiday in which he had to tell me, in all this episode has gone on for 3 weeks with minimal contact. I’ve had a psychiatrist tell me I don’t have bpd or such in which he was accusing me of. My head has just been a mess because I really started to worry that I was what he was saying.

I won’t contact him, I know that. I don’t even know what I want from it , but I’m just so up and down with my own recovery.

Has anyone else experienced something similar. How long would they go without contacting you.? I have noticed he has unblocked me on everything which I also find strange….

Any help will be greatly appreciated.

[B53]

Breakingpoint13,

I think so many people here understand what you are going through and I am sure they will reply to your post. My story is long and if you are interested you can go back and read it, but it only reads the same as many others. Like others, I was on the continuous on and off merry go round. He was getting help and after a two month break, he said he was doing better and would I give it another try. It only took a month before he was belittling and blaming me for his issues. Over time it chipped away at my feelings of confidence, self worth and happiness. He was also telling me that I was the one one with a mental illness. It was so hurtful, all I ever wanted was to have a loving relationship with this man and this was my breaking point. I realized that I didn’t like the person I had become and would remain being if I stayed with him. I didn’t cause this and I didn’t deserve to be constantly punished for loving him. He was abused by his father when he was a child and if it wasn’t the cause of this, it definitely contributed to it. When he was old enough, he left and joined the military to get away. He would never go back and let his father continue to abuse him. He didn’t deserve to be treated that way. No matter how sad I am that he was treated that way, there is no circumstance that makes it ok for him to do that to someone else. Even though his father messed up his life, it doesn’t make it ok for him to mess up mine. Anyone who has suffered from the abuse of a BPD will be forever changed, too.

It has been almost three months and he is just recently trying to contact me. I blocked his number and text and now he is emailing me . I have not read any more than the subject line.(I’m sorry, I’m a wreck, please read….). Enough time has passed, that the FOG(fear, obligation and guilt) is lifting. If he really loved me and was truly remorseful, then the most loving thing he could do is leave me alone. But for a BPD, it’s never about us, it’s always about them.

At the moment, not enough time has past, for you to see things clearly. You may decide to take him back ( he will be back), but make sure that you are making that decision without the FOG and feel good about who you are. You will have to be able to remain strong or he will take you down with him.

Best of luck,
B53

[Breakingpoint13]

Thankyou x

[babyducks]

hello Breakingpoint13,

he physically assaulted me on more than one occasions.

How long would they go without contacting you.? I have noticed he has unblocked me on everything which I also find strange….

are you afraid he is going to contact you ?     or are you feeling something else?

what you describe is a very high level of abuse.   emotional abuse.   verbal abuse.     physical abuse.     it will take a while to recover from that.   you have help right?  you are working through this with a professional?

I would recommend you start your reading here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.0

you might find it helpful to come back to that link as time passes.  its likely you will notice different parts as you progress.

this quote is from that link:

After riding the roller-coaster your emotional system is out of whack. Things don't feel normal anymore and you have lost a solid feeling what normal is. A therapist certainly can help here. Some tricks from the DBT toolbox can be beneficial too. Emotional balance can be enhanced through mindfulness.
 

have you ever heard of mindfulness?    any experience with it?

'ducks

[Breakingpoint13]

I keep having to remind myself of this. When I say it out loud people are like what the heck, why am I saying it so calmly and like that kind of behaviour is normal.

I think I’m scared, I’m worried incase he contacts again. I don’t think he will because I know he doesn’t give a PLEASE READ about me, but in the past he has, and what I read from here people say he will?

I get upset now even when I’m happy just because I get overwhelmed with the feeling, and just being social and not feeling guilty, even that overwhelmed me because I feel like for the last year I have just been so on egg shells worrying that whatever I did would upset him, even when I knew in my heart I wasn’t doing anything wrong.

My own therapy, yes.

I don’t, no? Would you recommend?

[babyducks]

Hitting, shoving, pushing, slapping is abuse.   Name calling, threatening, invading your privacy, stalking is abuse.   This is not okay.   It's never okay.    Violence is never okay.    Physical violence, emotional violence, verbal abuse is never ever okay.

People who resort to abuse don't care for you.    They want to control you.    They don't want to have a relationship with you,  they want a hostage.

Mental illness is not an excuse for abuse.   People who are mentally ill are not free to abuse.

Healthy People in Healthy relationships do not treat each other this way.   They don't scream, yell, storm around or out.   They don't accuse you of cheating.   They don't try to  control, manipulate or coerce.

Make sense?

[Breakingpoint13]

Clearly I have some messed up way of dealing with this!

I know exactly what your saying. I know your right! How the hell did I let this happen to me and why the hell am I more upset than angry! I almost feel numb to it. Yet I don’t if that makes sense. I’m constantly up and down detaching from him but I think I’ve just blanked out and don’t want to accept just how wrong it is what has happened?

[HopelessBroken]

Welcome Breakingpoint!

I wanted to write to say that I’ve been there. I can relate to a lot of your post. I was constantly accused of cheating, lying, being “screwed up” in the head, called names, threatened, manipulated….. I loved the man and became brainwashed. I believed the negative things he said. I believed it all. My BPDex too was in therapy.

I too am a smart woman, heck I have a psychology degree. This can happen to anyone and it’s got nothing to do with being smart. I thought the same way as you, how could this happen to me?

Where you are now is a tough place. Knowing this person is harmful to you yet loving him and missing him. At the same time if you are like me you aren’t recognizing yourself right now. You don’t feel strong, confident or clear minded.

What do you feel like you want right now? Do you want to be back in a relationship (if it were healthier)  or do you feel that you truly want to be done? It’s okay if you don’t know at this point.

We are here, and we get it. 

[babyducks]

I don't think you have a messed up way of dealing with this at all.

There are really two things going on here.    You are grieving the relationship you thought you were having.    A relationship you probably thought was special.    It's natural and normal to miss that.   Grieve that.

And at the same time you recoiled from the relationship you were actually having.    The toxic dysfunctional one.

Those two things are naturally in tension with each other.

the end of our relationships is very hard to process.

[Breakingpoint13]

I think I’m grieving the person I lost tbh. I’m resentful and I don’t want to feel anything.

[babyducks]

Of course.   Of course Breakingpoint13.

This will pass.    This isn't going to last forever.    You can work your way to where you want to be.    You are obviously a very strong person.    Look at what you have endured and gotten through already.

[Breakingpoint13]

Sorry I meant I think I’m grieving the person in myself that I lost. I’m struggling with coming to terms with myself, with what I became,  with the dishonour and lack of trust I have put in myself. I feel like I’ve betrayed myself and struggling with moving on with that. 

[babyducks]

Hello BP13

I am going to suggest you consider this in a similar way to having been in a traumatic event, lets say a car accident and suffering a broken leg.   

If you had been in an accident and broke your leg you wouldn't expect to get up within a month and run a marathon, would you?   

What you would expect is to do some physical therapy and to take some time to heal.

I think the same applies here.    Emotional muscles are like physical muscles.   You need to exercise them to get them working right again.     Its going to take a while exercising the emotional muscles of calm and contentment for them to feel right again.

Sorry I meant I think I’m grieving the person in myself that I lost. I’m struggling with coming to terms with myself, with what I became,  with the dishonour and lack of trust I have put in myself. I feel like I’ve betrayed myself and struggling with moving on with that. 

I think you are being pretty hard on yourself.    Look around this board.   Heck look around any of the boards here.    Do you see people who horrible?   or dishonoured?   or are bad people?     All the people here are pretty remarkable.   They are trying their very gut level best to be their best in difficult circumstances.  and so are you.    This is a process.    It takes a while.    and it moves slowly.    just like a broken leg would.     

what do you normally do to lift your spirits?   do you like to cook?   paint?    go to the park and feed the ducks?       whatever you do, make sure you do that.   be good to yourself.    listen to your favorite music.     what your favorite movie.    find ways to decompress from the stress you've lived with.

how are you today?
'ducks

[Breakingpoint13]

You’re right! I think I’m just so frustrated that I have felt down for so long that I just don’t want to be in this place any more. I did have a little cry this morning which thoroughly annoyed me. I know I have a lot of inner healing to do. I’m just impatient.

I think it’s also just been a shock, because again he gaslighted and blamed me then vanished. It’s coming on two weeks no contact, which I guess has also been a shock to the system.

Obviously lock down and my previous toxic job didn’t help, but I do have lots of hobbies, I skydive, have a motorbike and scuba dive, which I have been doing, however it seemed like I had just lost all enjoyment in them; but from reading a lot I am now understanding it’s because I allowed me to drain myself and think that I couldn’t enjoy it: in the evening I’m busy so it doesn’t worry me. It is literally when I am working from home alone in the day.  I do just want to be my happy self again. I know I’m also lonely because I’m going through something that no one understands other than on this group. I am looking for a new therapist but again this is just taking time.

I think I’m still anxious incase I see him around or see him with someone else; which I guess is what is happening for him not want to be feeding off me any more.

I do think I could be in a much worse place mentally. I don’t want to end my life any more, I’m not afraid of having conversations with strangers any more.

How are you?

How are you?

[Sluggo]

BreakingPoint13, 

know exactly what your saying. I know your right! How the hell did I let this happen to me and why the hell am I more upset than angry! I

For me, it was a death of a thousand cuts.  No 1 major event led me to where I ended up, just little changes in my behavior over time.  I made these changes (cutting off  past friends, stopping my communication with my family, not playing with my kids, allowing her to text people from my phone as if they came from me, only talking on speaker pbone so she could listen in, all so I could help my exbpd wife emotionally, and so forth).  Most of those changes were also of self interest as they put some balm on the relationship and I did not have to encounter with her anger, rage, or to break her periods of silence toward me. 

At first it might help the relationship for 4-6 months, then 2-3 months, then weekly, then it just stopped working. 

Sluggo

[Breakingpoint13]

It’s hard isn’t it. What’s worse is I’m just so up and down; and when I cry I don’t even know why I’m crying: everyone keeps saying I need to get angry but I just feel like I can’t. I feel like it’s a negative emotion that just won’t process through my body.

I’m don’t feel guilty for him. I don’t believe he ever cared for me. I don’t believe I’m crossing his mind at all. If he’s happy, I’m happy he is.

But the only anger I feel is for myself. That I’m not happy, I know it takes time and I wish I would be assigned a new therapist already to help me heal. Everyone on here has been a god send to me though!

[Sluggo]

Yes that it is a good image... that it does not seem it work through my body yet. 

My things that got me started on path to get my old self back: 

1.  Reconnected with my childhood friends that knew me before my marriage.  The ones I cut off.  This was so helpful to help peel away what I had become.  Like stripping an old wood floor back to the original

2. Therapy
3.  This board
4.  Exercise...  started boxing.
5.  Connected with different programs of divorce through church
6.  Attended alanon..  meetings.  Find those any day of week..  Great wisdom shared with my qualifier my bpd wife..  although she did not drink.  But I reacted in ways like the caregivers of alcoholics do. 
7.  Worked more
8.  Took my dog for long walks while listening to books
9.  Journaling

Sluggo

[Fibrowarrior21]

I have been in this relationship now for nearly 5 years now when we first got together it was him opening doors for me he gave me a dozen red roses when we first met. He use to sit for hour just gazing into my eye. He has 4 amazing kids from his last marriage who I love like my own and they tell me how they wish I was there real mum. As there real mum want let them out they have to stay in there rooms the two girls in theres and the two boys in theres there only aloud down if she says so or if she shouts them down there meal consists of chocolate spread sandwiches cakes crisp biscuits ect they have a park about 2 minutes away from were they live there not alowed to go as she says they will cause trouble. There mum goes to bed at 8pm if they want anything they have to knock on their mums bedroom door to ask . We have the kids every fortnight and on the Friday that we are having the kids my partner gets all moody and when we have them I'm pushed like to the background and he only asked me stuff if he knees anything or the kids do then it's like back into the background he gets very moody with me if I tell him that the kids have done something doesn't matter what hes moody with me one minute he all nice and the next hes mardyor if I speak to him hes all like what ever I try my best to make him happy and no matter what I do I'm the bad person like yesterday some put the washer back on after it had finish my partner said that he didn't he said that the washer must be broken and its start on it's own.  Then just before his kids turned up the tablets I use in my hot drink instead of sugar was just under half full and then when I pick them up later on the container is totally empty and the only person who was in the kitchen at the time was his 11 year old who is a little devil at times but no according to my partner she wouldn't do anything like that then whe his 16 year old son asked me why I look so sad my partner turns round and says that we are not sure if your sister has messed with the washer and got rid of all the tablets for the hot drinks but we have no proof so we cant blame her. He often makes promises to me and don't kee5them and when I tell him he will say he can't remember or I never said that. Also he says that hes not the romantic type yet the other day when I was washing the pots he came up behind me put his arms around me and kissed my neck I just don't understand what is happening with him anymore

[Breakingpoint13]

Sluggo.

Thankyou, all of the above I’m going. I guess I’m just being I impatient. I don’t want to wake up and think of him, I don’t want him in the back of my mind. I want to be me again: I want to be truly happy already!

[Breakingpoint13]

I’m having a really hard day, can someone just tell me this shall pass please

[Sappho11]

I’m having a really hard day, can someone just tell me this shall pass please

Sorry you're having a hard day! Allow yourself to sit with those feelings, as they will not last. It is impossible for the human body to remain in a state of stress and anxiety. Rest, take it easy, do something good for yourself. Tomorrow will be better, and if it isn't, the day after tomorrow surely will

[Breakingpoint13]

Tomorrow, will be better, you’re right! Thank you x

[babyducks]

my Ex and I had many break up / recycle events in our relationship before it finally collapsed under the stress and strain.    I remember in one of the early breakups I lost 15 pounds over the course of 2 months and couldn't sleep for the life of me.

these are highly intense breakups.    just like the relationship was highly intense so is the end of it.     it does go away.   it does take longer to go away than we want it too.

there is no magic pill or magic trick to make it go away.   I think  Sappho11 is right in saying allow the feelings to come and go.   think of them as waves on a beach or a thunderstorm passing through.     strong emotions will show up,  that's okay,  allow them to come and go.   its part of the process.

hang in there.

[Breakingpoint13]

I honestly don’t believe for one second he will be in contact again and as much as I read about bpd I can not get out my head that he genuinely believes right now that I am the devil.

I know it’s just frustrating, I hate being sad, I hate him being in the back of my head and co stay my trying to turn the negative thoughts into positive thoughts is just draining me.

I know people say this but I feel like I am trying everything I can to help myself in this situation, I just felt the last couple of days I’m really struggling!

[babyducks]

His reality is distorted.    In clinical terms, his reality testing is poor.    In other words he has trouble distinguishing what is real and not real.

You are not the devil.   Not even close.    You are recovering from trauma.    Multiple traumas.    Intrusive thoughts happen to many of us.

You are doing the right things.

[Breakingpoint13]

Thankyou baby ducks

[EZEarache]

He then left sent me a email about how I needed to focus on myself and get better that he was strong and that he was really worried about me. I didn’t respond. That week I received abusive email after abusive email just saying how I was sick and a brain washer and he was fine and I’m the devil and it’s so clear to him.

I didn’t respond, I then sent a email in which I just told him how much I loved him, and was there for him. He replied to that saying how ill I was and that I was mad and to never contact him again. I didn’t hear anything and messaged a week later just saying the same, in which he said he’s fine I’m ill he’s going to call the police on me because I’m sick and not to contact him again.

I haven’t…

It’s been a week now though without either one contacting which is very unusual, he even left the country for a holiday in which he had to tell me, in all this episode has gone on for 3 weeks with minimal contact. I’ve had a psychiatrist tell me I don’t have bpd or such in which he was accusing me of. My head has just been a mess because I really started to worry that I was what he was saying.

I won’t contact him, I know that. I don’t even know what I want from it , but I’m just so up and down with my own recovery.

Has anyone else experienced something similar.

Definitely!

I have text after text from my exGFwBPD writing in all caps, "YOU NEED SERIOUS HELP AND I HOPE YOU GET IT." Saying it over and over again in different iterations. From what I've read people with mood disorders, like borderline, narcistic, are quick to resort to challenging other people's mental faculties. It's a form of projection.

In my case I do have a history of mental health disorders including BDD, and I take it very seriously when others tell me I'm mentally divergent or whatever.

My therapist also assured me I was not BPD, although I have some traits. In my case I was fortunate because she screamed at the therapist during one session.

If you have any sort of relationship with the therapist that pointed the finger at you, you might want to show him the dysregulated emails you are receiving. I was able to show my therapist the text messages I was getting and he ultimately agreed with me about my ex having BPD. I was being pretty mild mannered and rational and I was getting a lot of nastiness back. In one example you could actually watch her thought process shift blame from herself to me, in real time. It was an eye opener.

It was pretty nice to have a trained professional validate my concerns. I'm still stuck communicating because we have a child together. Through the skills I have learned on this board and through a few books, I am getting better at managing my reactions, and responses to the dysregulation. I'm learning more when to just not respond at all. However, it's still hard...

[Breakingpoint13]

Oh I’m so sorry, are you still together as you have a child, or are you out of the relationship?

I guess I really dodged a bullet. No, I have no idea about this therapist, how I’d contact her or if she even exists. I know enough to know one wouldn’t tell him his behaviour was acceptable or respectful anyway. It will be lies. She was probably holding him accountable and he projected on me for it.

[EZEarache]

Thanks, Breaking Point, no apology is needed. My son is a wonderful perfect boy, and my goal is to stay in his life so I can keep him that way. Reading the horror stories from people with BPD parents on this board has shown me how important this is. I've moved out of the house for about three months, but I will always have some form of relationship with my exGFwBPD.

I know enough to know one wouldn’t tell him his behavior was acceptable or respectful anyway. It will be lies. She was probably holding him accountable and he projected on me for it.

It's not so much outright lies, just a distorted version of facts and reality. I've noticed since I left that my ex will remember most of the things that were said in an event, accurately. Even things that I had forgotten about, which are accurate, she'll remind me later. However, she will latch onto one part of a sentence, and construe an entirely different meaning from it. For example, just before I moved all of my belongings out of the house, I said, "I'm getting to the point that I don't want to get back together." This was after waking up to a week of berating text messages that were being sent all hours of the night. Instead of inquiring, why I was feeling that way, she latched onto, "I don't want to get back together."  This has an entirely different meaning. There was another circular argument we got into when she told me point blank she didn't want to do X because she wanted to do something else. Then when I called her on it later, she managed to twist it around into other more rational reasons she didn't want to do X. That, in fact, she never said she didn't want to do "X". What she actually said was she couldn't do "X" because of Y and Z valid reasons. However, these valid reasons were never what she originally told me, and she denied ever saying her original reason.

More recently we were in a text conversation, and she told me, "I needed a fact checker," for myself. This was unprovoked by me. More projection I suppose.

I read a blog post by a BPD that was in recovery describe their distortion this way: "A negative situation can't possibly be my fault. What I believed was, My boyfriend slammed the door, so I called him a dick. In reality what happened is, I called my boyfriend a dick so he slammed the door."

In retrospect, I've noticed subtle shifts in my BPD's memory of events similar to this example on a repeated basis.

As a result of all of these distortions, they can be very adamant and convincing with their perspective of a story. They can completely fool a therapist, and from what I've read courts, as well, into believing the "alternate facts."

High functioning BPD's like mine are capable of keeping their emotions under wraps when there are third parties around. However, sometimes a little bit of their devil's tail will peak out under their pea coat. If you don't see the tail that often, you just think, I guess she was just stressed out because of something. Once the pea coat comes off in a close romantic relationship, it can be seen in full view. However, the BPD will still manage to camouflage the devil's tail through a large web of carefully crafted emotional abuse and projection. This leaves you in denial that you've ever seen the tail yourself, and start questioning your own sense of reality. That's what happened in my case.

[Breakingpoint13]

You know what. You are completely right. I have had conversations with him before where he brought up things he said he couldnt remember. The time he started accusing me of doing porn and email me abuse and my work abuse I phoned for the wellfare check... A couple of weeks later he admitted to me that he knew the photos weren't me but he wanted to convince himself so he was looking for anything he could do convince himself into believing something he knew wasnt even true. If that makes sense?

When I also left for a month, he said to me if you walk out that door thats it were never speaking again, even though he had just assaulted me and called me every name under the sun and made me strip half naked as he watched me having a panic attack and drive home. I actually answered that comment with, if this is how youre going to treat me and you wont get help then I am fine with that, which he took as me walking out on him and not wanting to help and just abandoning him.