Guilty as charged. What a relief

[Depression = 72% of members]

Guilty of…enabling! I’ve read the books, read posts by fellow sufferers with BPD partners. And now I look back over the years and am starting to realize what I’ve been doing. How many things I have gone along with, accommodated myself to, given in to, avoided confrontations about things that caused me misery—all things that were my W’s BPD behaviors. And on my part, this has all been facilitating, enabling!

And trying to think about how I have sometimes provoked those behaviors. Why she’s felt frightened, and so has reacted the way she has. How I’ve helped to maintain the goofy status quo. Why have I? Well, because of my own hangups. Partly, because I was raised in a BPD family (just realized that) and so this all seems familiar. Yikes.

I can’t attribute motives to anyone. Each of us has our own reasons. Still, fellow sufferers, I have read so many stories about living for weeks, months, years with a BPD partner. I am starting to believe that enabling is very common, and is something many people struggle with. (“Duh. Did you just discover that?” More knowledgeable folks could say that to me.)

I find the realization that I have been enabling to be very liberating. I can look at each of my W’s behaviors that I have difficulty with, and try to understand what I have been doing to allow it to continue (sometimes to promote it). Then I can decide what I want to do now.

Sometimes it’s simple, sometimes complicated, often it’s something I don’t understand yet, often lonely. Still, this dawning realization makes it possible for me to make a catalog of priorities in my head, and try to work out how to talk with my W. I could write the list here, everyone on this forum has their own unique version. The clearer I become, the less difficulty I have weathering the inevitable storm that follows when I start a conversation, and sometimes I can get a reasonable response if I’m patient.

My W’s standard answer when I try to talk about something I want that is outside her narrow range of tolerance, is to accuse me of being selfish and inconsiderate. This can become a lengthy dissertation on my faults, going back years. Sad for her, that bad things in the past seem so alive for her (she feels it with regard to many others too, especially siblings, employers and exes), but I can’t control how she feels. However, I can refuse to argue about things that happened a decade ago, and bring her back to the present and tell her we need to talk about what we are going to do now. She may then be speechless, but at least she will begin to hear the message that I have begun to think differently.

Sorry if this sounds disjointed. I’m just in the initial stages of trying to work it out. There’s a lot I don’t yet understand, and a lot I’ll probably get wrong. Still, attempting to understand my participation and why, what I can maybe change, makes me feel like a burden is beginning to lift. Has anyone else experienced this? Is there someone who is farther along in the process who can say something helpful?

[alterK]

Guilty of…enabling! I’ve read the books, read posts by fellow sufferers with BPD partners. And now I look back over the years and am starting to realize what I’ve been doing. How many things I have gone along with, accommodated myself to, given in to, avoided confrontations about things that caused me misery—all things that were my W’s BPD behaviors. And on my part, this has all been facilitating, enabling!

And trying to think about how I have sometimes provoked those behaviors. Why she’s felt frightened, and so has reacted the way she has. How I’ve helped to maintain the goofy status quo. Why have I? Well, because of my own hangups. Partly, because I was raised in a BPD family (just realized that) and so this all seems familiar. Yikes.

I can’t attribute motives to anyone. Each of us has our own reasons. Still, fellow sufferers, I have read so many stories about living for weeks, months, years with a BPD partner. I am starting to believe that enabling is very common, and is something many people struggle with. (“Duh. Did you just discover that?” More knowledgeable folks could say that to me.)

I find the realization that I have been enabling to be very liberating. I can look at each of my W’s behaviors that I have difficulty with, and try to understand what I have been doing to allow it to continue (sometimes to promote it). Then I can decide what I want to do now.

Sometimes it’s simple, sometimes complicated, often it’s something I don’t understand yet, often lonely. Still, this dawning realization makes it possible for me to make a catalog of priorities in my head, and try to work out how to talk with my W. I could write the list here, everyone on this forum has their own unique version. The clearer I become, the less difficulty I have weathering the inevitable storm that follows when I start a conversation, and sometimes I can get a reasonable response if I’m patient.

My W’s standard answer when I try to talk about something I want that is outside her narrow range of tolerance, is to accuse me of being selfish and inconsiderate. This can become a lengthy dissertation on my faults, going back years. Sad for her, that bad things in the past seem so alive for her (she feels it with regard to many others too, especially siblings, employers and exes), but I can’t control how she feels. However, I can refuse to argue about things that happened a decade ago, and bring her back to the present and tell her we need to talk about what we are going to do now. She may then be speechless, but at least she will begin to hear the message that I have begun to think differently.

Sorry if this sounds disjointed. I’m just in the initial stages of trying to work it out. There’s a lot I don’t yet understand, and a lot I’ll probably get wrong. Still, attempting to understand my participation and why, what I can maybe change, makes me feel like a burden is beginning to lift. Has anyone else experienced this? Is there someone who is farther along in the process who can say something helpful?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

Many who had a parent with BPD or other personality disorder post on this forum. The peculiar behaviors that would cause another individual to cut bait and run seem familiar to us because we’ve seen them before.

Accusations of selfishness and inconsideration are common and often are very effective with those of us who are people pleasers. We will jump though hoops to disprove those criticisms. And where have we learned to be people pleasers? Duh, in our families of origin.

It was liberating for me when those formerly painful accusations no longer hit their target. Yes, I am selfish and inconsiderate at times. Who isn’t? And when I begin agreeing with that negative assessment of my character, the insults ceased because they no longer worked.