He Broke Up With Me (Again)

[paperinkart]

Hi everyone,

Hope you’re all doing well!

My partner of almost 4 years has broken up with me last week yet again. This hasn’t happened in a long time so I’m pretty upset about it.

I knew that he was at his wits end with his job taking over his whole life. He’s exhausted and grumpy, and then the only day off he gets each week is spent taking care of his son. I understand he didn’t have any energy left and has been at “his limit” for a couple of months now.

But our relationship was really struggling too. We were arguing a lot and my anxiety was at an all-time high. I was trying to be very patient and understanding, but still upset that we never saw each other anymore or when we did, he was always grumpy because of his job.

Anyway, we had a few really hard arguments over the last couple of weeks where he was pushing me away so hard and he finally ended it. He said he didn’t have the energy to fix our relationship, that ALL we do is fight (not true but I agree it was a lot lately), and that he needs freedom and can’t handle anything more besides his job and his son.

I kind of understand- I know I’m always the first to go whenever he feels overwhelmed. He tried to eliminate all the stressors in his life, and sees our relationship as one of them when he gets in this headspace.

The thing that’s really bothering me though, is that he said he wanted to “explore”. I asked him if that meant other people, and he said “a little bit”. The week after our breakup, he told me he’d been talking to people in the past week. I was really hurt and asked him “why” and he said he wanted validation- he wanted to see if our relationship was just so awful and toxic or if we were normal and any relationship was going to be like this. I told him anyone new he talks to will seem fun and easy in comparison because you don’t get into the hard stuff for awhile.

We haven’t spoken since. I can totally understand all of his other reasons for leaving, but I’m really stuck on the “other people” part. Is this normal for people with BPD or with BPD traits? I’m pretty hurt and anxious about it so please be gentle with advice haha

Thank you!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

Yes. It is common for pwBPD to try to find validation from other sources instead of working on relationship difficulties. That doesn’t mean he won’t return. This is very difficult for you. 

[paperinkart]

Yes. It is common for pwBPD to try to find validation from other sources instead of working on relationship difficulties. That doesn’t mean he won’t return. This is very difficult for you. 

Thanks so much! I’m at least relieved to hear it is normal, even though it still hurts. He says that he didn’t start talking to anyone until we were broken up or “on a break” or whatever we were. I don’t really think I believe that, but it doesn’t matter much anymore so I’m trying not to get too anxious about it.

I’m just trying not to concern myself or drive myself crazy thinking about what he’s doing or who he could be with. I don’t expect him to come back anytime soon, so what he does now is none of my business. We’ll see if he comes back in the future..

Thanks again for your help

[blackorchid]

Stay strong