I've been out for a year and it feels great

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I was in a relationship with someone with undiagnosed BPD for 25 years.  We were never legally married but we owned a home together and lived like a married couple for all intents and purposes.  Things gradually got worse over the years, and the final 5 years were hell.  I learned that I had an incredible tolerance for abuse.  If I didn't, I probably would have left the relationship many years ago.

After going through the idealization-devaluation-discard cycle many times, finally I was the one to say I was ending the relationship.  I moved out and we separated all of our assets and went through lawyers to legalize the separation.  This was all grueling, draining, and expensive to go through, especially during COVID.  She tried to pull me back in with all of the same old techniques, such as "I am going to change," "I realize now what a special person you are," "I am never going to find anyone as good as you," etc.  She also laid on the guilt about me leaving her during COVID.  I felt all of this tug on my heartstrings, but I was able to step back from my codependent tendencies and decide not to get sucked back in.  I had heard this many times before, and every time I fell for it, there was a honeymoon period, followed by a gradually (and increasingly quick each time) descent into hell.

I moved out a year ago, and have been completely free of her for about 6 months, and it feels amazing.  There have definitely been times when I have felt sadness in many ways, and I often feel compassion for her.  I understand that her biochemistry and her abusive childhood significantly influenced how she is and how she treated me.  But the feeling of freedom is incredible.  Actually, just having "normal" days free from the rage, drama, unpredictability, and verbal and emotional abuse are amazing.  I get constant reminders of how all of the things she said about me are not true.

During the separation process, I had told her (and I honestly felt) that I would like to try to remain friends in some small way if possible.  This was despite advice from my therapist, and from much that I read, to go "no contact."  However, over the course of those first few months after I moved out, it became clear to me that it would be intolerable for me to maintain any contact with her, so I did eventually go no contact.  Even the smallest interactions with her would result in her usual rage and verbal abuse.  It was a hard way to learn that I needed to go no contact, but maybe I had to go through that to learn it from actual experience.  After going no contact, she reached out to me a couple of times, and I maintained my stance.  In retrospect, no contact has definitely been the right decision for me.

Even though this is a relatively short time, now that I look back I am amazed that I tolerated all of that abuse for so long.  Looking back it seems so obvious that I should have left long ago.  I remember my thoughts and feelings in the past, which included many feelings of inadequacy and fear that I could never find anyone else who would love me.  Those feelings were, of course, reinforced by all of her verbal abuse towards me.  I can see clearly now that those feelings kept me in the relationship way too long.  I also kept trying for far too long to "fix" the relationship.  Although I don't think the lesson is to bail out on a relationship if there are problems, in my case there were fundamental problems that my partner was completely unwilling to acknowledge or work on for long periods of time.  And she would never even acknowledge the possibility that she had psychological issues that needed attention.  I have compassion for my previous self in subjecting myself to all of that pain for so long, and I feel confident that I will not repeat those patterns, and that I will be able to notice any similar patterns much more quickly if they arise again in my life.

I guess my main point is that I feel proud of myself for all I have done to improve my own well being.  Life is basically good for me now.  The problems that I have are the basic problems of life, not the problems of being attached to someone who is mentally unstable, lacking in self-awareness or a desire or willingness to change, and who is abusive towards me.  The constant tightness that I felt in my chest for years is gone now.  Thanks to everyone here for all of your support over the years.

[TRB]

I was in a relationship with someone with undiagnosed BPD for 25 years.  We were never legally married but we owned a home together and lived like a married couple for all intents and purposes.  Things gradually got worse over the years, and the final 5 years were hell.  I learned that I had an incredible tolerance for abuse.  If I didn't, I probably would have left the relationship many years ago.

After going through the idealization-devaluation-discard cycle many times, finally I was the one to say I was ending the relationship.  I moved out and we separated all of our assets and went through lawyers to legalize the separation.  This was all grueling, draining, and expensive to go through, especially during COVID.  She tried to pull me back in with all of the same old techniques, such as "I am going to change," "I realize now what a special person you are," "I am never going to find anyone as good as you," etc.  She also laid on the guilt about me leaving her during COVID.  I felt all of this tug on my heartstrings, but I was able to step back from my codependent tendencies and decide not to get sucked back in.  I had heard this many times before, and every time I fell for it, there was a honeymoon period, followed by a gradually (and increasingly quick each time) descent into hell.

I moved out a year ago, and have been completely free of her for about 6 months, and it feels amazing.  There have definitely been times when I have felt sadness in many ways, and I often feel compassion for her.  I understand that her biochemistry and her abusive childhood significantly influenced how she is and how she treated me.  But the feeling of freedom is incredible.  Actually, just having "normal" days free from the rage, drama, unpredictability, and verbal and emotional abuse are amazing.  I get constant reminders of how all of the things she said about me are not true.

During the separation process, I had told her (and I honestly felt) that I would like to try to remain friends in some small way if possible.  This was despite advice from my therapist, and from much that I read, to go "no contact."  However, over the course of those first few months after I moved out, it became clear to me that it would be intolerable for me to maintain any contact with her, so I did eventually go no contact.  Even the smallest interactions with her would result in her usual rage and verbal abuse.  It was a hard way to learn that I needed to go no contact, but maybe I had to go through that to learn it from actual experience.  After going no contact, she reached out to me a couple of times, and I maintained my stance.  In retrospect, no contact has definitely been the right decision for me.

Even though this is a relatively short time, now that I look back I am amazed that I tolerated all of that abuse for so long.  Looking back it seems so obvious that I should have left long ago.  I remember my thoughts and feelings in the past, which included many feelings of inadequacy and fear that I could never find anyone else who would love me.  Those feelings were, of course, reinforced by all of her verbal abuse towards me.  I can see clearly now that those feelings kept me in the relationship way too long.  I also kept trying for far too long to "fix" the relationship.  Although I don't think the lesson is to bail out on a relationship if there are problems, in my case there were fundamental problems that my partner was completely unwilling to acknowledge or work on for long periods of time.  And she would never even acknowledge the possibility that she had psychological issues that needed attention.  I have compassion for my previous self in subjecting myself to all of that pain for so long, and I feel confident that I will not repeat those patterns, and that I will be able to notice any similar patterns much more quickly if they arise again in my life.

I guess my main point is that I feel proud of myself for all I have done to improve my own well being.  Life is basically good for me now.  The problems that I have are the basic problems of life, not the problems of being attached to someone who is mentally unstable, lacking in self-awareness or a desire or willingness to change, and who is abusive towards me.  The constant tightness that I felt in my chest for years is gone now.  Thanks to everyone here for all of your support over the years.

[B1987]

That was very inspiring to read, thank you for posting!

I really hope I can get to where you are at. I’m 5 weeks NC with my BPD gf of 4 years and am finding it to be the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced. At the moment, I’m focused way too much on the good times and forgetting about all the drama and chaos.

I didn’t even try to be friends because I still love her so I knew that wouldn’t work for me.

I really hope I can get to the stage that you described. Did you ever feel any longing for your ex after the separation? This is something I’m really struggling with as I’m missing her so much it’s making it hard for me to move on or even function at times.

[Lucky Jim]

Actually, just having "normal" days free from the rage, drama, unpredictability, and verbal and emotional abuse are amazing.

Hey TRB, Nicely said!  It is a relief to get the albatross off one's neck.  When I first separated from my Ex, I relished "boring" days, free from drama and abuse.  I never seriously considered going back after years of marital turmoil.

25 years is a long time.  What kept you hangin' on, as the song says?

LuckyJim

[B53]

TRB

Thank you, your post gives us all hope. I am a little more than 5 months out and feel better about myself everyday. I have gone NC during this time, even though I get emails, which I don’t read. I haven’t heard from him for the past two weeks and hopefully he has gotten the message. I’m not ready yet, but I have been thinking about dating again. I see that there is a future after BPD.

I’m glad that you are happy and doing well!

B53

[SamwizeGamgee]

I like good news!
Thanks for the report TRB.
I am in the middle of a slow-motion, fiery crash, sort of divorce. I spent over $35,000 before we even got to a hearing to set a trial date for next year.
 
My STBX hasn't really thrown rages like the good old days for a long time. Rather, she's gotten "better" over the five years in which I decided to separate and divorce. She stopped the rages, I think since she saw I was serious about separation. What does happen now is the manipulation, self-righteousness, flying monkeys, all kinds of passive aggressive tactics, smear tactics, blackmail, and parental alienation (she's led my second daughter, D20 to make no contact with me for over four years now).

So, our wives are different, but, I have to join you in saying nothing can feel better than simly being separated from an abuser. My wife took the quiet route, yours took the more dramatic, it sounds like.

Coincidentally, I spent my evening tonight changing the door locks. Little by little I'm reclaiming my house, my life, my mind, my voice, my heart.

[Lucky Jim]

What does happen now is the manipulation, self-righteousness, flying monkeys, all kinds of passive aggressive tactics, smear tactics, blackmail, and parental alienation (she's led my second daughter, D20 to make no contact with me for over four years now).

Hey Samwize,  I can relate to all of those tactics, also employed by my BPDxW.  Sorry to hear about the parental alienation, which is something I continue to experience with my sons, age 22 and 21.  I keep reaching out to them and am in sporadic contact, but mostly they decline to respond.  It's a daily sadness.  I remain hopeful that, as they gain independence from my BPDxW, we will reconnect, but the time horizon is unknown.

I admire your courage to make a change.

LuckyJim

[TRB]

Thanks for all of the support!

One person asked whether I have ever felt any longing for my ex-partner.  The answer is "yes."  I am very grateful to have practiced mindfulness meditation for many years now.  As a result, when I feel a feeling of longing arise, I am able to acknowledge it and step back from it and examine it, rather than getting sucked into it and acting based on habits.  The feelings of longing were more frequent in the beginning and now, a year later, they almost never happen.  Also, when they do happen, and I step back, I am generally able to see them as reminders of the fact that:

• we did have good times that I can remember fondly; and
• all of the reasons and feelings I have for leaving and going no contact are still valid.

When I was in a less mindful state, it was difficult or impossible for me to hold all of this at once.  So instead, I was much more likely to let the feeling of longing influence my behavior and cause me to stay with her even in the face of all of the unacceptable aspects of the relationship.  Now I can see and feel clearly that even though the good times were good, that my most basic boundaries were violated frequently, and I am able to remind myself that no amount of good times makes those kinds of boundary violations worthwhile to me.

Someone else asked what caused me to stay for so long.  I would say it was a childhood in which I absorbed the messages that no one would ever love me (so I was lucky to have anyone) and that leaving my partner when she needed me was wrong--no matter how much pain I was in.  I was able to work through these feelings with a lot of meditation, therapy, and support of good friends.  I also had a father who was extremely passive and never stood up for himself, and I know that I absorbed a lot of that way of being from him.

Which also reminds me that there were quite a few years in which I had few friends and became very socially isolated.  This led me to being very susceptible to being influenced by my partner.  Looking back, I let her view of reality warp my own.  In a strange way, her multiple discards of me helped me a lot in retrospect, because they had the effect of leading me to develop several close friendships during the periods when my partner had discarded me and we were not together.  I maintained and developed those friendships and eventually had the courage to share my situation with my friends and that was very critical to helping me develop the strength to get out.  For anyone who is feeling alone or trapped, I strongly recommend sharing your pain with people you can trust.  It can be a real lifesaver.

[SamwizeGamgee]

I understand the feeling. One that my childhood lead me into being the type of person who would live in such an unlivable relationship.  I don't feel the need to confront that in myself right now, but, I do acknowledge it. I set that work aside. But, I think I was generally happy, healthy, well developed (although I have had a lot to learn and develop). I just was too religiously dogmatic in getting married, and staying married. I did not have an example of picking healthy partners in marriage or standing up for myself, so I suffered the consequences.

I did a lot of work to develop mindfulness in meditation. I am also learning to recognize and be with the feelings that emerge, even the negative ones due to STBX and divorce. I know I'm off my practice right now. However, I have benefited from my current feeling set. I am filled with righteous anger, and I despise my STBX - with an exclamation point and all caps, seeing her behavior and tactics now in divorce proceedings.

I know that sounds unhealthy, but, it needs to be that way after severing the false remaining positive feelings for her. There has been a long lack of healthy anger in my life for too long. Now I have a small fire burning. A confidant applauded me for paying a lot in spousal support and child support, since it's the high road, and noble. He can say that. I see it as paying money to make her go away. No nobility, no honor - here's money, there's the door, get the F**k out of my life. 

I'm hovering on being angry with myself for staying so long, even more now that I feel the absolute joy and peace I get from being in a house without STBX. Wow, if I would have known it was this good, I would have, should have, divorced 24 years ago (and every year in between).

@LJ - thanks. Parental alienation hurts like nothing else.
I thank you for commenting on my courage. Reading what I wrote, maybe it's the anger that keeps me going, substituting for courage. Or, does one lead to the other?

[Red22]

One month out and appreciating the calm, peaceful, quiet space.
I can sleep now, this is finally a place to want to return to, and I have a safe area in which nothing has been touched since last I left.

[TRB]

A confidant applauded me for paying a lot in spousal support and child support, since it's the high road, and noble. He can say that. I see it as paying money to make her go away. No nobility, no honor - here's money, there's the door, get the F**k out of my life. 

I have had a similar experience.  I have also had some people who think I paid too much and should have fought to pay less.  They did not understand that any additional day fighting over the money was a day in which I would continue to be ensnared in the storm of drama that I needed to remove myself from.  My decision may not have been the best from a purely financial perspective for me, but emotionally it was the right choice, and I own my own business in which I have some control over the ability to increase my income, and the more free I can be of that old life the more able I am to earn more money.  Fortunately, under the agreement we reached I do not need to share any increase in income with her.  So the psychic freedom is worth it and I am banking on my ability to earn more now that I am free and even in this short time I am seeing signs that my bet is paying off.  Even if it didn't pay off financially, the benefits to my soul are priceless.

[TRB]

One month out and appreciating the calm, peaceful, quiet space.
I can sleep now, this is finally a place to want to return to, and I have a safe area in which nothing has been touched since last I left.

Amen!  I remember the feeling of returning to a place where no one could lock me out or damage my possessions while I was gone.  Before I told her that I was moving, I secured my new place without telling her and secretly moved my critical belongings to my new place.  What a crazy life it was.

[Goosey]

Thank you for your post.
   It’s reassuring and accurate that everyday gets a bit less troubling. I wake up and greet my dogs who are happy always! 
  No drama. 
    I’m kinda in a “oh well” stage.
      “It is what it is”.
     I catch myself wanting to write my ex.
   Her last communication was when she signed our divorce settlement. She demanded I tell her “when I stopped loving” her.
   I do type it out, then I catch myself. It’s a hole I’m about to fall into. A spiral.  I erase and delete and say to myself “stop this”.
   I know the answer to her question. She will never accept it. I could turn it around and ask her that question.
   The unending days of constant sadness are now just maybe a few minutes a day.
22 years is a long time.
    It is what it is.
  Thanks again.