It's hard...

[Cat Familiar]

By prefacing this sentence with *Honey* she is trying to soften the impact and make you feel sympathetic.

What she really means is “I don’t think I’m doing anything wrong. And if you believe otherwise, it’s your problem.”

[truthdevotee]

Thanks Cat.
So the "Honey" is there as I have her saved in my phone that way.
But regarding the sentence itself, that's very insightful.

There was another drama tonight. I went out and took the car. I went to the sauna. A few weeks ago I started cold water therapy. I now only have cold water showers. At the sauna they maintain a pool of 12 degree water and I go there to submerge for up to 10 minutes at a time, three times on each visit. My goal is, in the winter, to stay in 4 degree water for up to 5 minutes. Slowly working to this goal. The sauna is the only place where this very cold water is maintained.

She saw I took the car and when I got home, she started accusing me of cheating. She doesn't know about my sauna visits and doesn't know about my cold water therapy. I avoid telling her because she believes I would only go to the sauna to look at the opposite sex. 10 years ago that was true, but she doesn't know how I've grown since that time, and I knew she would struggle to conceive of the fact that I could be different now - going for the therapeutic benefits of both the sauna and the ice cold water.

She was manic again, accusing me of cheating. I could see why she saw it that way and I just found it funny because I was feeling so good from the cold water.

I left the room and locked myself in another room to text her as she was unable to listen. I let her know my cold water journey and that I don't go there to look at the opposite sex.

Nevertheless, she left the house herself... so who knows where she's gone now. I get the sense she wants to create doubt in my mind that she's out there with another man. To be honest, it would be a shame if she actually did it as it would add complication to what is already a very slim chance that in the future e.g. 1 year later, we choose to come back together. On the other hand, I have no negative feelings about the idea of her going out and doing this now - I think I'm over the relationship to the extent that this wouldn't bother me.

In general, she can't conceive of why I'm refusing physical contact with her...

Her behavior is extremely erratic, one minute sobbing with tears, the next minute in rage, the next claiming innocence, etc. She's going through a lot of course.

[truthdevotee]

this was her full message

[21/08, 19:52] Honey: I don't really know what am I doing wrong...
...to have stable nervous system require every day time on my own.
I simply love you and the boys. That's all I know and live for now until I loose my family.
Right now it's my job to take care of my family
I love it but it's exhausting

... and a few hours later she's in a rage accusing me of cheating on her...

[khibomsis]

TD, you're doing great. Expect her to be up and down,it isBPD after all. This is where you get to be the emotional leader. Avoid circular conversations about whether you're cheating or not. It is hard for her to see you go out and come home calm and happy. What she doesn't know is that you are learning to love yourself, but she would be just as jealous if she knew. And will make her own choices.  
20 days to get through. You do it one day at a time.  

[truthdevotee]

By Monday I need to secure the house by paying one month rent. I think I should go for it. It's only a year contract which is perfect.

[truthdevotee]

I think I'm learning to be truthful -



[21/08, 22:53] Honey: You told me in holiday you have many secrets
[21/08, 22:59] : Yes, the sauna was one of them
[21/08, 23:00] : You see, I couldn't trust you to believe in my intentions! In who I truly am now. You still think I'm the guy you met.
[21/08, 23:01] : I'm not that guy.
I have been studying wellness for a long time now.
The benefits of sauna are proven
And, it turns out I judged myself too harshly about my sauna visits 10 years ago
[21/08, 23:02] : Yes a part of me went at that time to look at and meet women... But what I failed to recognize at that time, due to my harsh self judgments, was the experience of wellness I was feeling there
[21/08, 23:03] : I now go for wellness, and my primary purpose ironically IS NOT the sauna. Its the cold water
[21/08, 23:04] : The therapeutic benefits of sauna are strong. The therapeutic benefits of extreme cold are immense
[21/08, 23:04] : Cold water balanced the nervous system in an instant
[21/08, 23:13] : My other 'secrets' are the fact that my phone is blocked
[21/08, 23:14] : Because I can't trust you to look at messages from my family due to the risk of you being triggered into anger
[21/08, 23:15] : I can't trust you not to read personal notes that I keep on my phone, because your philosophy is that a couple should reveal everything to each other
[21/08, 23:15] Honey: I need time and process all
[21/08, 23:16]  Quite frankly that belief is not healthy. It's perfectly normal to keep things private in an adult relationship
[21/08, 23:16] : Adults are secure enough to allow space and privacy
[21/08, 23:17] : Ironically the fact that they ALLOW each other space and privacy, creates the TRUST necessary for a healthy relationship
[21/08, 23:17] : The fact is that you proved to me over and over again that I should lock my phone
[21/08, 23:17] : You searched through my emails, my notes, etc. You don't understand boundaries
[21/08, 23:18]  Therefore, I don't want physical contact because you have very little respect for my desire to have private space, which is HEALTHY for ADULTS
[21/08, 23:20]  Once you respect the fact that you have walked all over me with disrespect for so many years, you will RESPECT the fact that I don't want physical touch, AND you may even appreciate that there is a lesson for you there = just because we share children DOES NOT MEAN YOU HAVE UNLIMITED ACCESS TO ME
[21/08, 23:22]  Just because a couple are married does NOT MEAN they are required to give physical contact just because the other wants it. And that's how you operate, you seem to believe it's my obligation to hug you or touch you. NO THANKS, NOT WHEN YOU CALL ME EVIL, STUPID, IDIOT, ETC. the day before!
[21/08, 23:22] : You won't keep people in your life by treating them that way!
[21/08, 23:24] : And there I walk in the house to be accused of cheating. I understand you, but you are completely incorrect, unless you would believe that visiting a wellness establishment is cheating. And if so, I'd only say I'm sorry, I do not share your belief
[21/08, 23:25] : And given the stress I'm under, the constant attack, the massive shifts from declarations of love to attacks on my character, I have EVERY RIGHT to take care of myself
[21/08, 23:25] Honey: Ok I hear you
[21/08, 23:25] : I get my hugs from ice water. There are many ways to get hugs. Don't rely on me UNTIL you prove yourself able to control yourself and be KIND.
[21/08, 23:25] Honey: I need time to process all
[21/08, 23:26] : I said sorry for many
[21/08, 23:26]  Until then, GO get your hugs from massage. I'll pay it
[21/08, 23:26] : I don't want to hear any more I love you, sorry, sorry, I love you
[21/08, 23:27] Honey: Ok
[21/08, 23:27] : You are a great Soul, but your human side needs professional help, urgently

[truthdevotee]

TD, you're doing great. Expect her to be up and down,it isBPD after all. This is where you get to be the emotional leader. Avoid circular conversations about whether you're cheating  :hug:or not. It is hard for her to see you go out and come home calm and happy. What she doesn't know is that you are learning to love yourself, but she would be just as jealous if she knew. And will make her own choices.  
20 days to get through. You do it one day at a time.  

Thanks 
One day at a time

[truthdevotee]

She took a lot of money from my account without asking. Also blocked my path this morning as I wanted to leave the house.

I've let her know that all conversations between us are recorded now. I don't feel safe.

I've emailed my lawyer. I am picking up it may be best to go for full custody immediately. Nothing I ever imagined, but her behaviour is erratic.

With the boys I thought we might just reach a mutual agreement. That was probably naive... Maybe best to get lawyer involved

[truthdevotee]

Perhaps the hardest is her behaviour with the boys.

My heart was shining for my 4 year old who was on the stage at a fun park. He was constantly asking for her. He wanted to be seen by her. I wrote her and she replied


[22/08, 14:41] : he asks for you
[22/08, 14:41]  A lot
[22/08, 14:41] : He wants you to SEE HIM
[22/08, 14:41] : He is constantly searching for you
[22/08, 14:42] : WHERE ARE YOU
[22/08, 14:42] : Come right now to honor him
[22/08, 14:43] : Is your last chance
[22/08, 14:43] : Before it finishes
[22/08, 14:43] Honey: I don't have energy to share happiness with him. It pulls me more down

[truthdevotee]

Is she manipulating me my dishonoring her children?

[Cat Familiar]

She is doing everything she can to try and manipulate you to return to how things used to be. Likely part of it is just lashing out without thinking because she is angry and part of it is intentional.

This is typical when PwBPD feel they can no longer control their partners. You’re familiar with extinction bursts? You’re experiencing one right now.

[Notwendy]

IMHO, I think it's time to stop these emotional exchanges by text. Terms like "honoring him" are so emotionally laden. He's 4. He wants what he wants. He has no idea if mom went to the store or has walked out on him. The child is fine, but the drama between the two of you is not going to be solved by this tone of texts. Kids don't comprehend concepts like "honor". That issue is with the two of you and you are using the child as a background.


He's 4, at the playground with his dad, having fun. How about let him be?

If his mother chooses to walk away from her own child, that's very sad. But it's her choice and if she did that, your job would be to help mitigate the effect on the child, not control her or discuss it with her through texts.

With BPD it's more likely an up and down thing. My BPD mother will get angry, tell me she won't speak to me, then tells me she won't send the grandkids presents on their birthdays. Two weeks later she's on the phone asking me what they want for their birthdays as if what she said didn't happen. Time will tell with your children's mother.

[truthdevotee]

She is doing everything she can to try and manipulate you to return to how things used to be. Likely part of it is just lashing out without thinking because she is angry and part of it is intentional.

This is typical when PwBPD feel they can no longer control their partners. You’re familiar with extinction bursts? You’re experiencing one right now.

Thanks so much

[truthdevotee]

IMHO, I think it's time to stop these emotional exchanges by text. Terms like "honoring him" are so emotionally laden. He's 4. He wants what he wants. He has no idea if mom went to the store or has walked out on him. The child is fine, but the drama between the two of you is not going to be solved by this tone of texts. Kids don't comprehend concepts like "honor". That issue is with the two of you and you are using the child as a background.


He's 4, at the playground with his dad, having fun. How about let him be?

If his mother chooses to walk away from her own child, that's very sad. But it's her choice and if she did that, your job would be to help mitigate the effect on the child, not control her or discuss it with her through texts.

With BPD it's more likely an up and down thing. My BPD mother will get angry, tell me she won't speak to me, then tells me she won't send the grandkids presents on their birthdays. Two weeks later she's on the phone asking me what they want for their birthdays as if what she said didn't happen. Time will tell with your children's mother.

Thanks Notwendy, I hear you. I understand and agree that those messages have been emotionally laden.

It is true that I felt sad. On my 12 step meeting, the guidance came that the sadness in that moment is mine to love. To remember not to project, to love what arises within.

I did honestly wish to give her the chance. He was on the stage constantly looking for her and asking where mummy. My heart was in pain to see it. I just shone as much pride and love to him as I could and later shone that same love unto the little boy in me that projected sadness. The word honour was used to try to influence her to wake up, to remember that this is a child... But it's pointless to try to change her. On the other hand, it's another evidence, if I do need to use lawyer, of her inconsistent love.

We communicate better with texts. Obviously, that's a sign of how terrible our communication truly is. The only way to send a message and hope it's received is by writing. Real time conversations are hopeless. Texts also serve in the sense that they're recorded. From today onwards though I'm recording all our conversations and she is aware of the fact.

[truthdevotee]

Based on my descriptions, does it sound best to engage a lawyer immediately?

[Cat Familiar]

Based on my descriptions, does it sound best to engage a lawyer immediately?

YES!

[truthdevotee]

YES!

Thanks Cat. I've emailed him and will talk by phone with him tomorrow

[Notwendy]

He was on the stage constantly looking for her and asking where mummy. My heart was in pain to see it.


And that is your pain. How long has it been since he saw her? Not long. He may not be in pain, but you are, and that is yours to manage. Calling your wife to come see him to relieve his pain is actually calling her to relieve your pain.

Certainly if she's not going to engage at all with him, this is going to be very hard but at the moment it hasn't been long. Children at play school sometimes cry for their mommies. The school does not call the parent to come immediately to relieve the child's distress. They reassure the child that they will be OK, distract them with a toy and often the child runs off to play.

Regardless of what their mother does, it is likely the kids and you would benefit from some counseling to adjust. It's important to not invalidate their feelings. If he says he misses his mom, "Yes, I understand you miss Mommy and you are sad". Calling her to come change this is blaming her and that isn't going to go over well with her. Hopefully she will agree to some sort of visiting, if possible. Then you can say "I understand you miss Mommy. You will get to see her on Wednesday" and even have a calendar to count the days. If she truly doesn't want to be in their lives at all, that is hard for them, then you will need to deal with that.

I agree with the lawyer consultation.

[truthdevotee]

He was on the stage constantly looking for her and asking where mummy. My heart was in pain to see it.


And that is your pain. How long has it been since he saw her? Not long. He may not be in pain, but you are, and that is yours to manage. Calling your wife to come see him to relieve his pain is actually calling her to relieve your pain.

Certainly if she's not going to engage at all with him, this is going to be very hard but at the moment it hasn't been long. Children at play school sometimes cry for their mommies. The school does not call the parent to come immediately to relieve the child's distress. They reassure the child that they will be OK, distract them with a toy and often the child runs off to play.

Regardless of what their mother does, it is likely the kids and you would benefit from some counseling to adjust. It's important to not invalidate their feelings. If he says he misses his mom, "Yes, I understand you miss Mommy and you are sad". Calling her to come change this is blaming her and that isn't going to go over well with her. Hopefully she will agree to some sort of visiting, if possible. Then you can say "I understand you miss Mommy. You will get to see her on Wednesday" and even have a calendar to count the days. If she truly doesn't want to be in their lives at all, that is hard for them, then you will need to deal with that.

I agree with the lawyer consultation.

Thanks Notwendy, I understand, it's very true and accurate. I'm grateful. I'll be aware of this. It is a great idea to find counselling for all of us.

[truthdevotee]

Yeah... I just tuned into a layer of sadness. Since I'm suppressing it, I'm anxious about it when I "see it" (project it) onto the boys. I guess this is a thick layer of sadness to be aware of, accept and allow within myself, parenting myself and if I see it in the boys, to be accepting of it in them too

[Cat Familiar]

It’s devastating to have a parent that’s a pwBPD. People with BPD are far more self absorbed and interested in their own personal emotional discomfort to be fully present for a child. That’s just fact. Some can summon up the energy to do that on occasion, but they are not a reliable emotional support for a child.

This is what you’re dealing with and it’s unfortunate but you have the ability to be your children’s protector and source of strength and comfort. That’s something.

[ForeverDad]

She took a lot of money from my account without asking. Also blocked my path this morning as I wanted to leave the house.

I'm concluding this is not typical?  Many here reported accounts raided when nearing the possible end of a relationship.  Partly it can be retaliation or punishment, as in you're paying for this one way or another.  It can also be about control, Look what I can do and you can't stop me.  A ton of self-interest and a get-the-money-while-I-can attitude.

The problem with joint accounts is they don't work when the parties aren't in agreement.  Typically the more reasonably normal person gets sabotaged.  For example, you may feel it is for joint agreed expenses, that it's more like 50/50.  You may even feel it's 50% yours.  Yet you're reluctant to withdraw your 50% even if you put in more than that.  On the other hand, a disordered person who is more driven by self-interest will perceive that it all can be taken - entitlement - then little justification is needed to raid the account.

Probably smart to stop funding joint accounts.  Open personal accounts for yourself where you maintain full control.  You can move some money from there to the existing joint account for joint expenses but only as needed.  Warning:  If she isn't the main provider for the family's finances, then this change - which won't harm the family finances - will trigger more rants and rages, demands and ultimatums.

[truthdevotee]

It’s devastating to have a parent that’s a pwBPD. People with BPD are far more self absorbed and interested in their own personal emotional discomfort to be fully present for a child. That’s just fact. Some can summon up the energy to do that on occasion, but they are not a reliable emotional support for a child.

This is what you’re dealing with and it’s unfortunate but you have the ability to be your children’s protector and source of strength and comfort. That’s something.

Thanks, Cat.

[truthdevotee]

I'm concluding this is not typical?  Many here reported accounts raided when nearing the possible end of a relationship.  Partly it can be retaliation or punishment, as in you're paying for this one way or another.  It can also be about control, Look what I can do and you can't stop me.  A ton of self-interest and a get-the-money-while-I-can attitude.

The problem with joint accounts is they don't work when the parties aren't in agreement.  Typically the more reasonably normal person gets sabotaged.  For example, you may feel it is for joint agreed expenses, that it's more like 50/50.  You may even feel it's 50% yours.  Yet you're reluctant to withdraw your 50% even if you put in more than that.  On the other hand, a disordered person who is more driven by self-interest will perceive that it all can be taken - entitlement - then little justification is needed to raid the account.

Probably smart to stop funding joint accounts.  Open personal accounts for yourself where you maintain full control.  You can move some money from there to the existing joint account for joint expenses but only as needed.  Warning:  If she isn't the main provider for the family's finances, then this change - which won't harm the family finances - will trigger more rants and rages, demands and ultimatums.

Hey ForeverDad, thanks for your support.
It was my debit card and I lent it to her for some shopping. She used it during that time period to grab some money. She's normally generally trustable with money, with the exception of the fact that she has never ever told me the amount of money in her bank account, I think for control purposes.

She indirectly gave me the money back (a pile of cash) by leaving it on the kitchen desk. I think she did this due to the clarity with which I called her out on it. It was, in essence, stealing.

I'm sure it won't happen again, and I'm setting limits on withdrawals to a much lower level, in case she does try it again.

Why would my EXPWBPD withhold information for so many years regarding her bank account? We've always used my money, I've spent so much on her and us that I have very little savings. Meanwhile, I think she's sitting on a pile of cash as security rather than investing it into the family and for daily purposes including vacations - which I always pay for.

Over time I got more and more cautious about the amounts I'm giving her.

Today I sent the desposit to secure my flat rental. One year contract, perfect location, big 95m2 with a children's room already setup! Perfect place for home office.
In process of getting in contact with my lawyer, who I couldn't speak to today as he was in court.

At this point I'm uncertain of going for full custody. I don't know if I"m naive, but I sense there is a part of her that wants to sort out her behaviour. Please tell me if it's obvious that I"m naive.
HOwever, I will be using LAWYER as a MEDIATOR for the coming arrangements, because her erratic behavior is untrustable and I would NOT be able to trust her to stick to her side of her agreements. Add to that, coming to any form of agreement would be impossible without a mediator.
We need help to get something written down and signed, so that she would remain accountable. Otherwise I'm further risking my job security.

[Cat Familiar]

I’m glad you’ve got a place for yourself and the boys and are involving an attorney. As you’ve experienced, she is not trustworthy. You will soon have a safe place for yourself and your children. With safety, comes clarity.

[GaGrl]

WHY would she withhold financial info? It's probably futile to speculate on why with a pwBPD. The reality is that she does, she always has, and she probably always will. Therefore, you must, going forward, protect yourself in financial matters.

[ForeverDad]

Your lawyer should give you local legal advice as well as additional strategies.  Here's a post I made a couple years ago, I edited out the parts that likely don't apply in your scenario.

I recall my lawyer — very experienced and good at hearings and trial — wimped out at the temporary order hearing.  He just let the magistrate do the standard actions, defaulting mother to temp custody and temp majority time... My lawyer whispered to me, "Shh.  Don't say anything, we'll fix it later." 

Guess what that "we'll fix it later" meant?  My lawyer had previously estimated our case would take 7-9 months.  No, it was nearly two years, ex forced us to check mark every step along the way including a Custody Evaluation!  And neither magistrate, judge or lawyers ever adjusted the temp order, the fixes were in the final decree.

Okay, I admit, one reason nothing much was presented in the initial divorce hearing was that only a half hour was allocated for it.  For others facing this, I encourage two things to make wise use of the limited time allotted.

First, list the issues and concerns simply and clearly in writing, including that you seek substantial parenting authority and scheduled parenting time.  Have at least 3 copies with you, one for the court and one for each party.  They may not act on it but it gets the issues "on the record".  In my belief, that's important since you may get a different court official for future hearings.  The court may be reluctant since it seems to try not to put much that is 'actionable' on the record.

Second, try to make a brief statement "on the record" — is it being recorded? — even if only a minute.  Something like... "Your honor... I have been an involved (stay at home) parent until now...  I request to remain substantively involved as father and parent to my children.  I do have serious concerns about my spouse's extreme actions and parenting behaviors.  I believe I am the best to provide stable custodial and parenting care.  Should the court be reluctant at this time, then I can work with some sort of Decision Making or Tie Breaker status while we jointly provide care for our child."

Well, something like that.  My early hearings were all my ex's allegations and responses to my ex's allegations.  What I saw as practical solutions were never addressed or put on the record...Court pays much more attention to parenting concerns than adult relationship (marital) concerns.)

Another point, give the parenting issues priority.  That's the focus here, parenting... Don't get sidetracked (on things the court won't see as urgent or connected to parenting).

[truthdevotee]

I might be crazy, but there's still a part of me holding on.

I wonder what you think of the following scenario:

Having my new flat (which I've started paying for, but not able to move in yet), as a place for work, as a place for childcare, but agreeing with my ex-partner that the boys continue to have their current home as "base." Their place to sleep.

The extra place for childcare fits in because she has always refused entry of a nanny into her home. This in turn has impacted my job. Since I'm starting a new job, I can't allow it to be impacted anymore. Therefore, I can invite nanny's over and have them look after the boys at my "home office flat."

The fact that I'm renting another space will indicate to her that I'm really on "the way" to potentially leaving for good, but there is still a part of me that hopes, if she'll make significant changes, we can make it work. I would promise her I would not engage in sexuality with other women, friendships or partners.

We would in essence be in large part keeping the current system running, such that it doesn't impact the boys so much. They would still feel that their current home is their home. They would still feel my presence in their home and my protective energy. They would have the excitement of a new space with a nanny, so that when my older son is sick and can't go to school, my job is NOT impacted. This would lower my stress levels tremendously.

Additionally, if her behavior gets out of hand, rather than leaving the house and ambling around in the cold winter, I could go to my own flat, my safe space.

Is there any problem with this thinking, this potential setup?

I feel like it could be a good small step in either the direction that we fully split, whilst making it less of an emotional shock for her and the children that Daddy no longer sleeps in her home.

In terms of the current sleeping setup (one boy with each of us), this feels helpful too, becuase I need to help them at bedtime.

As an added bonus, my family of origin could visit and have free accommodation. I could watch how my ex-partner is with them, still giving her the opportunity to see them and be with them and spend time with them.

[truthdevotee]

This is my idea, to email her this:

Hello

I want to see how things go over the next year. I won't be meeting anyone new, engaging friendships with other women, or having physical contact with other women.

The reason is because I want to see if we can survive. I want to see if it can get better.


Therefore, I would hope you can agree on your side to not engage with the same with other men.


I have rented another apartment. I want to agree the following with you if possible:


•   I will work from the new apartment; it would reduce travel time significantly over the next year
•   When our older son gets sick, you would have less of a load and I would have less stress, because I would be able to hire a nanny to help look after him at my apartment (it will take our younger son several months to establish in his school full time, so it will continue to be very tiring for you when both of them are at home, and it always impacts my job)
•   When you feel angry and you engage in name calling etc., I would use my apartment to rest until things calm down
•   The boys would continue to sleep in their current home
•   I would continue to help in the evenings after work, and at bedtime, and I would sleep in your home. I may spend the odd night for sleeping here and there after the boys are already asleep, in my apartment
•   I would continue to take the boys to school, before going to work from home from my apartment
•   The boys would not know about this situation. They will see the new flat as my office, only. On the occasion that M is sick and you are tired, or that you are tired and you want time alone in your flat away from both the boys, I would take them to my apartment and where needed, I would get a nanny to help at my apartment
•   I want to protect the boys still from the idea that we are separating. Because I want to see if we can make it. I do not believe we can make it in the current track, and things are not changing fast enough for me,  therefore I need to change the track by establishing this new apartment
•   I will continue to use the car, separately and together with you and boys for trips, shopping, etc., it will continue to be "our car" and I won't buy a new one yet
•   Our families of origin would not need to be provided details of our personal situation and why we have the other flat - they may not even know it unless my family comes to visit and you don’t want them to stay in your flat
•   I will continue to go with you to your home town or drop you off there with the boys before picking you up again
•   You will when you're ready over the next year, let me know the details of your bank account, if you would like us to have the potential to share a loving family with openness and transparency going forward… right now I feel that we’re using ALL my money so that I have VERY LITTLE SAVINGS, while you’re sitting on millions with ownership of both the flat and car, which puts me in a very precarious situation
•   If it looks like things don't turn out well, then I'd engage a professional mediator to help us formally separate so that we have a formal agreement regarding childcare and accountability
During this time, I have no demands... only to see if we can grow close again, by re-establishing what is healthy adult privacy and space, where both of us from our hearts are aligned with each other. I want to see if we can be emotionally and physically attracted to each other again. Like I said recently, for me to feel that way, I need to stop being called names, and I need you to lower your stress levels.

You're welcome to lower your stress levels however you wish - massage, meditation, therapy, etc. I have no demands and I have no desire for couples counselling. I just need to feel that I am an independent man in love with an independent woman with whom we share children.

I am so tired that I need this space... I can't function without it. I just hope you'll continue to work together to heal, by respecting my individual needs, desires and feelings. Once I feel I can be myself, safely, perhaps we can live together again.

[truthdevotee]

I'm a little bit back-tracking on the full custody thing. I don't know why.
I still want to see if it can work out with her. I don't know if this is mad. I know I can't continue in the current setup where I have no safe place to relax, where she's in control of literally everything and she expects me to be a puppet for her stress reduction.
Yet I still want to see... there's part of me still holding on to the idea that she can change, that she actually wants to change.
Am I mad?