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Author Topic: I just need to share with people who understand  (Read 415 times)
ILMBPDC
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« on: July 26, 2021, 04:16:31 PM »

I'm not sure what I want to say but I know I need some support.
19 months ago I started a new position in my company where I met a guy. He was quite a bit younger but he pursued me and I soon found out we were so much alike, we understood each other and the age thing didn't matter. The pandemic hit and we ended up working from home and texting almost daily. During that time I fell in love, hard. Then in December we finally got together in person - I thought we were headed for a relationship - he was doing the love bombing thing, talking about a future, family, having kids, travelling together. In January I felt I needed to point out that at my age (46) the kid thing was unlikely.  Within 2 weeks he told me he met someone he "saw a future with". Literally blindsided me, I thought we were fine. He admitted it was the kid thing - basically he wrote me off with no discussion on the topic.  Being as we never had the discussion about how serious it was (though his words seemed to speak to that) or exclusivity, I swallowed my pride and told him I understood. We kept in contact periodically and remained relatively friendly overall.

They broke up 4 months later (early June) and he was devastated. Somehow we started talking more frequently again and he leaned on me emotionally during that time. Admittedly I was also leaning on him as I have been working on my own issues with PTSD from a long past relationship. We were actually going through a lot of the same emotions for different reasons and we had some deep, emotional talks. I figured out rather quickly my feelings for him were still there and all this bonding was making them stronger. I told him things I never told anyone. I felt like he was my soulmate. I mentioned my feelings for him were still there. He didn't really say much but I knew he just wanted to be friends and while he wasn't love bombing me anymore like he did last year, he would make comments that made me thing that maybe, just maybe I still had a chance.

I should mention that during this time he shared with me he was pretty sure he had BPD.

Then 2 days ago - Saturday, I was intoxicated, depressed, had a crappy week and honestly probably PMSing... and I sent him a text message that I felt like he was using me (emotionally) and all I wanted was to be part of his life, Admittedly I kind of went off on him a little...and I got a text back that what I said was hurtful and he was no longer going to respond to me. And he hasn't. I tried to apologize, honestly I was kind of mean about it, but I never thought he'd just write me off like that. Friends are supposed to be able to talk things through.

Looking back at everything he definitely has BPD, I was love bombed, mirrored, his favorite person, and now painted black and split (I was probably partially painted black in January but not enough for him to quit). Honestly I'm devastated, I truly felt like we were so alike and he was my soulmate. No one understood me more.

I also know that some of the things I've noticed in the last few months are probably from him mirroring the woman he dated after me - suddenly he's all about being a jet-setter, worried about his looks and wants a flashy car - and when we were first getting together, he literally told me he was all about being a simple man (he once sent me the lyrics to the Lynyrd Skynyrd song, telling me he strived to live his life that way), being family oriented (and now he's not even sure he wants the son he does have!), and while he always wanted to be rich, he didn't care about the accolades (supposedly).

I know that this is best for me - I'm still working through my PTSD from an ex and apparently I also have attachment issues (as in, scared to let go and terrified of abandonment). I also know this person that I miss so desperately isn't real and that is devastating as well. As hard as it is to let go of the person I perceived him to be, I have no plans to continue to try and apologize or convince him to talk to me.

On another note - my daughter was diagnosed with BPD as a teen after an abusive relationship and bullying as a child ( she's now 23) so I am familiar with the condition - we got help, put her through DBT and while she still struggles occasionally, she's managing. We had a discussion about the whole thing this morning and I got her perspective on what he's likely thinking and feeling. Strangely, it helped somewhat. I really hope he does get help himself (like he claimed he was going to - and yet that times I brought it up he avoided the question, so yeah I don't think he is).

As for me, I'm still working on myself. I will continue to make progress and not let this break me (I've been through so much worse).

Thanks for reading
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« Reply #1 on: July 28, 2021, 11:29:35 PM »

ouch.

its really hard to lose someone you have such an intense bond with, one that lights you up and so quickly.

and then theres the coulda woulda shoulda. i dont think that being cut off ever feels good.

if its support you need, we get it here, and its support you have. how are you holding up?
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
ILMBPDC
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« Reply #2 on: July 29, 2021, 09:10:29 PM »

Thank you for asking. I'm actually not doing well at all today. I was sad for a couple days and then was feeling pretty good for a few days until last night and today has just been awful. I know a lot of it is working through my own mental health issues (PTSD and depression) but he was my support over the last year and a half and I'm struggling to manage on my own. I just don't understand how somebody can so completely cut off someone else like that. I know it's his BPD. That doesn't make it hurt less.

I haven't given in and tried to contact him and I won't. I do wonder if he'll ever try and contact me and some part of me wishes he would, but I know that I need to stop clinging to that hope.

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« Reply #3 on: July 29, 2021, 10:30:11 PM »

i remember that raw pain. it wasnt for a few months that i found this place, myself. knowing that there were others that had gone through, or were going through what i was, was a relief like ive never felt before.

i want you to know that it really does get better. in fact, there will come a day where this is ancient history and you cant quite recall the pain that youre in now.

Excerpt
I just don't understand how somebody can so completely cut off someone else like that. I know it's his BPD. That doesn't make it hurt less.

it doesnt. the cold, hard truth, is that its one persons (well, many peoples) coping mechanism. its incredibly hurtful to be on the receiving end of, but at the same time, its not a statement about you. and not that you mentioned that you are, but dont let it make you ashamed of your grief, either.

Excerpt
I do wonder if he'll ever try and contact me and some part of me wishes he would

you never know. often times, people that are inclined to short circuit grieving with an emotional cut off dont feel content to let things end on that note. sometimes, its selfish; they want to feel better about how things went, and know youre okay with them. other times, there are other reasons. in my own case, it was all very anti climatic.

if theres one thing id tell you, that id have told myself, is that there are really two components to recovering from all this: time dulls the pain. you just have to pass the time by putting one foot in front of the other, and doing the healthy stuff, and really, building and maintaining routine and structure as much as youre able to on a given day. that didnt look like much for me for a while, but slowly, but surely, life got back to normal. shoot for quality time over quantity; lean on friends, surround yourself with loved ones and support, even if you arent talking about what youre going through. rediscover old hobbies, but build confidence by finding new skills.

but time dulling the pain isnt the same thing as healing the wounds. this pain can either scar you, and you can take it into future relationships, and you can carry the wounds, or you can become a better, stronger, powerhouse version of yourself with an even greater capacity to love, to receive love, and thrive.

i know thats cold comfort now. but the faith and trust that it really will get better will sustain you at the hardest times.
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ILMBPDC
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« Reply #4 on: July 30, 2021, 02:40:23 PM »

Excerpt
there are really two components to recovering from all this: time dulls the pain. you just have to pass the time by putting one foot in front of the other, and doing the healthy stuff, and really, building and maintaining routine and structure as much as youre able to on a given day. that didnt look like much for me for a while, but slowly, but surely, life got back to normal. shoot for quality time over quantity; lean on friends, surround yourself with loved ones and support, even if you arent talking about what youre going through. rediscover old hobbies, but build confidence by finding new skills.

Thank you for the reminders. This hits at one on my own mental issues - I really don't have any friends, only acquaintances really, no one that I can call or count on for support.  My mom is the root of much of my childhood trauma and while she tries to reach out I have a hard time using her for support. My sister is my best friend but she's not particularly sympathetic - very much a "just get over it" type. Of course she has the same parents so that's probably her defense mechanism, it just doesn't help me in any way. And neither of them live close anyway. Sigh. The only family I have near is my daughter - who also has BPD and can be rather un-empathetic (duh).  Though I will admit her insight into the workings of the BPD mind has been helpful.

I have been trying for many months to try and get out and find friends and hobbies but my depression/cPTSD can be debilitating sometimes. And my attachment issues either hold people at arm's length or else I cling too hard to them (as with Mr. BPD).  I think my main hobby right now is working on myself - actually it has been since he first kicked me to the curb in January. I'm seeing a therapist, I went to a wellness retreat in July and have another in September. My massage therapist is training in trauma therapy and I get to be his test subject, which I am really excited for (well, as excited as a depressed person can be!).  I have even forced myself to start attending some meetup groups (mostly on Zoom but one in-person trivia group on Sunday evenings) just to be around other people (again, acquaintances, but at least its human interaction).  Losing Mr. BPD was doubly hard since I considered him to be a true friend (honestly not even sure that was true, but it felt like it at the time)

Excerpt
i want you to know that it really does get better. in fact, there will come a day where this is ancient history and you cant quite recall the pain that youre in now.
I know this. I've had worse relationships - one with a literal con man who gaslit me into bankruptcy and is the big reason for my cPTSD - and I have survived. This isn't the end of me and I know I will feel better in time. But in the moment it is so hard, especially when I already feel so alone in life.
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« Reply #5 on: August 03, 2021, 09:41:47 PM »

This hits at one on my own mental issues - I really don't have any friends, only acquaintances really, no one that I can call or count on for support. 

i can relate a lot to that.

i felt very isolated and alone after my breakup. i think i would have had a speedier recovery had things been different. i dont think its ideal to be without support, although the circumstances forced me to stand on my own in a way i never had before, and in a way that ultimately made me a more resilient person. which isnt to say that emotional resiliency is gained by grieving privately, just that i had a tendency (still do) to lean on people in unhealthy ways, at times.

so i wont give you the advice that a lot of people gave me at the time, although it sounds like you are attempting to do a lot of it; good.

human connection doesnt have to run terribly deep, or be emotionally supportive, necessarily, to still be meaningful. its part of the normalcy, the feelings of which, although they can feel terribly empty for a time, help us detach.

so if your mom and/or your sister arent especially supportive, dont expect them to be, but maybe try building on the aspects of your relationships that you cherish. i have a very close friend that, when we were younger, was the worst possible person in the world to lean on for support, he always said precisely the wrong thing, and was incredibly unsympathetic, and i resented it a lot. i focused more on the aspects of our relationship that i enjoyed the most, and our relationship grew.

my point is mainly to focus on that human connection - even if its shallow acquaintances - and learn to cherish it and nurture it, and lean on your support group here, for the emotional stuff.

there was another time in my life where i was feeling pretty alone, and met someone in a similar way that you did. its a long story, but it occupied a lot of my time, and i was enormously invested in it, it was rejuvenating. it didnt go anywhere, it ended badly, and then i was back to the life i really didnt want to be my life. i get what a void that a passionate whirlwind of a connection can leave.

if theres a silver lining, its that it also presents an opportunity to rebuild. to build the life that you want.
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