How do I get over the resentment?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I have been with my husband for 5 years and married for 3. I have two girls from my previous marriage, 13 and 8. My husband is diagnosed with bipolar and cptsd, though he checks most of the bpd boxes and, after reading this forum for the past week, the stories here are eerily similar to my own.

My question is, after years of not being heard, of feeling like my thoughts and opinions are less than his, and being yelled at, cold shouldered, and broken up with - how do I get past this mound of resentment I’ve built up?

I can see in just this past week our relationship has improved since I’ve found the tools on this site. I’ve validated much more, I’ve focused on not JADE-ing, I’ve been more mindful of when he seems on edge, and I’ve diverted topics. We haven’t had an argument all week. However, I’m holding onto this relationship due to the fact that financially it’s easier to be together than apart.

I do still love him, however I know I deserve better than this. I know my girls deserve better than this. So, in an attempt to improve this relationship, because I would never forgive myself if I didn’t give it my all, I’m asking how to overcome the resentment I have for him regarding his behaviors and the lack of apology he seems to have for them.

Thanks for reading!

[Slothie83]

I have been with my husband for 5 years and married for 3. I have two girls from my previous marriage, 13 and 8. My husband is diagnosed with bipolar and cptsd, though he checks most of the bpd boxes and, after reading this forum for the past week, the stories here are eerily similar to my own.

My question is, after years of not being heard, of feeling like my thoughts and opinions are less than his, and being yelled at, cold shouldered, and broken up with - how do I get past this mound of resentment I’ve built up?

I can see in just this past week our relationship has improved since I’ve found the tools on this site. I’ve validated much more, I’ve focused on not JADE-ing, I’ve been more mindful of when he seems on edge, and I’ve diverted topics. We haven’t had an argument all week. However, I’m holding onto this relationship due to the fact that financially it’s easier to be together than apart.

I do still love him, however I know I deserve better than this. I know my girls deserve better than this. So, in an attempt to improve this relationship, because I would never forgive myself if I didn’t give it my all, I’m asking how to overcome the resentment I have for him regarding his behaviors and the lack of apology he seems to have for them.

Thanks for reading!

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[Selfishsally]

Oh I wish I had a good answer for you!
I have started a seperation and some space has lessened my anger a bit but I still feel that if we are ever going to have a relationship after this it is going to require him taking some responsibility for the things he has done. After some therapy I do feel like just speaking some of the things out loud and getting some validation have helped me move past them even if I never get an apology. So maybe find a counselor to talk to let some things out or a friend you can confide in.
I would go out for coffee with you myself if I could! I'm sure we would have plenty of crazy stories to share and hopefully end up laughing at the absurdity of it all! Good luck!

[Slothie83]

Thanks for the reply! It’s both relieving and sad to find people going through the same things I am. I do have a close friend at work that I talk to about things. Initially I put a lot of his behavior down to his alcoholism and her husband struggled with that himself. However, I now believe the alcoholism is a side effect of the PD.

[Cat Familiar]

I hear you on the resentment. I was   furious when I first came here. I’d grown up with a BPD mother, married an abusive BPD husband, and when I finally disentangled myself from that relationship and had done some therapy, vowing never again, I got together with my current husband and had two years of a blissful relationship…then the BPD specter suddenly reared its head.  

Not only did I feel duped, I had years of resentment to deal with.

It is possible to get over it. I did a lot of furious writing here, detailing my wounds and slights. Venting can be useful, as long as it’s accompanied by behavioral change.

That was harder for me. Why do I need to be the one to change? I’m not   -up other people’s lives by my bad behavior?

Finally I got through my anger enough to see how changing my behavior had positive consequences. You are already way ahead of me, as you already know this.

As you try implementing more of the tools, you will notice that there is much less conflict in your life and this will begin a positive spiral for the better. It won’t happen overnight, but it will happen.

[Slothie83]

That was harder for me. Why do I need to be the one to change? I’m not   -up other people’s lives by my bad behavior?

I definitely have resentment about it needing to be me to change. Twice this weekend I bit my tongue so as not to start an argument. This afternoon I found myself very crabby and wanting to be alone. When I questioned that feeling all I could come up with is that I can only bottle things for so long before it starts effecting me.

The part that hurts the most is he’s supposed to be the one I can lean on and talk to about anything. That’s how it was in the beginning. The last two years things have gotten progressively worse and I’m not sure how much longer I can go on like this.

[Selfishsally]

The part that hurts the most is he’s supposed to be the one I can lean on and talk to about anything. That’s how it was in the beginning. The last two years things have gotten progressively worse and I’m not sure how much longer I can go on like this.

Yes! To all of it!  It stinks! I don't believe you have to feel trapped though, you always have other options.IMO

[Goosey]

I go with the “they know not what they do”
   Seems like an easy out for them but this is a serious mental illness. 
 

[Selfishsally]

I think Goosey is on the right track...like getting rid of the victim mentality is helpful in releasing the anger and resentment.  I am still not a 100% on the "not a victim"  level but I am getting there and think that is necessary in our  own personal recovery.

[Slothie83]

Thanks for your responses. I have two situations right now that I’m struggling to move past. I wasn’t going to post specific scenarios, however now I’m thinking it may help to get them off my chest.

The first one happened about two weeks ago. We were on vacation with my brother's family. We had all been drinking. My D13 started acting up. I was with my D8 at the time so I’m not sure how it started. D13 ended up crying in her bedroom. My husband said she was making inappropriate comments and wasn’t listening when told to stop. Everything is a bit hazy due to the drinking but I remember telling him to just leave her and let her calm down. He started raging at me and my sister-in-law. He said I didn’t care about him, I didn’t stand by him, that my SIL was two-faced and that we all talked about him behind his back. He asked for my wedding ring and said we were over. I gave it to him and haven’t seen it since. I’m this instance I kept saying “okay” and asking him to go outside and have a cigarette to calm down. This was before I knew the tools so I’m sure that felt invalidating to him.

The other instance was a week later and concerned money. We have separate accounts with a joint one we both contribute to to take money for bills. Quite a bit of money, roughly $400, was taken from our joint account for his credit card. I asked when he planned on putting that money back in the account since rent was due in a few days. He said I’m only worried about money and the separate account system isn’t working for him and he felt like we were just friends. The one thing he said that really bothers me is that he understood why my ex husband wanted a divorce now (my ex and I grew apart, it was an amicable separation).

My husband did apologize for the first situation but has not said anything about the second. For all I know, he’s planning on finding a place and leaving. Things have settled down and gotten somewhat back to normal, although I’ve been much more distant and kind of in self preservation mode.

Any advice or words of wisdom about these situations would be very appreciated!

[Cat Familiar]

Alcohol certainly makes people with BPD likely to act out in less than positive ways. And it also affects nons; it’s harder to have the emotional resources to check an unhelpful response or notice when a dysregulation is beginning.

As much as I used to enjoy a glass or two of wine, I now have quit drinking entirely. My husband does not drink as much if he doesn’t have company and I find that my sleep is much better and *bonus*—I now weigh less than I did in high school.

Are your daughters his bio kids or step kids?

How long have you been married?

Has he threatened to leave prior to this incident?

Does he still have your wedding ring?

[Slothie83]

He had actually quit drinking for awhile because he recognized it was becoming a problem and we had a huge argument last September where I called the police to make him stop fighting with me. He’s back drinking now though.

Are your daughters his bio kids or step kids?

How long have you been married?

Has he threatened to leave prior to this incident?

Does he still have your wedding ring?

My daughters are his step daughters. He has two children of his own but they are grown and don’t live with us.
We’ve been married for 3 years, together for 5.
Pretty much every time we have an argument it comes down to him thinking he just needs to leave. That’s a big reason why our bank accounts are separate, I need to be able to support my kids if/when he leaves. A comment he makes a lot is that he just can’t do this anymore.
He still has my ring. He’s made no mention of it since he took it. He still has his as well. It seemed kind of juvenile to take his just because he took mine.

I’m not sure when or if I should bring it up. Or if I should tell him that his comment about understanding why my ex divorced me was a bit too below the belt and I’m struggling to get over it. I know it would cause an argument, he’d defend himself, I’d defend myself, other situations would be brought up, nothing would get resolved. The circular arguments are never ending around here.

On the plus side, it’s been two weeks since we’ve had an argument! There’s been at least 3 times one would’ve broken out. However, I’m trying so hard to become more of the emotional leader and use the tools I’m reading about here!

[Cat Familiar]

You are guaranteed an argument should you bring up how you felt about his comment. Likely he’d feel attacked and just dig in deeper. No good will come of it.

If things were moving in a more positive direction, which is certainly possible, he might have the maturity and compassion to understand how wounding those words were to you.

You’re not there at this point, though it’s a good sign that you haven’t had an argument recently.

Likely nothing good will be gained by arguing or confronting him with your feelings now. That’s one of the unfortunate parts of being in a relationship with a BPD partner: you’d like to tell them how you were impacted by their words or behavior and doing so is likely to dig the hole deeper.

That’s not to say it’s impossible at some point in the future. But right now your emotional savings account is overdrawn. You’ll need to make a lot of deposits in it just to get it back to zero. Once you rebuild the balance, at that point, there will be a lot more understanding and compassion in your relationship and words like those that wounded you so will be less likely to be uttered.

[Slothie83]

What is a good way to tell when the relationship is ready to withstand me talking about how certain things affected me? Also, is it better for me to try to spend more time with him or leave him to his own devices? Generally speaking he’s a very standoffish person and very rarely makes an attempt to spend time alone with me. Lately I’ve been leaving him to it and finding things to do by myself.

Thanks so much for your thoughts and ideas! I really do hope to turn my marriage around!

By the way, I love Miguel Ruiz and his son! I’ve read 4 of their books!

[Cat Familiar]

They say one pound of validation does not erase one ounce of invalidation. Probably the easiest way to work on your relationship is to learn how not to invalidate. It’s surprising what a person with BPD might feel is invalidating.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

It will take some time to refresh a marriage where the communication patterns have gone astray. You might look for support and understanding elsewhere in the meantime.

Do you ask if he wants company or would prefer to be on his own?

[Slothie83]

I’m definitely working on not invalidating and making some attempts at validating instead. I really need to work on validating when I don’t agree. Tonight is a good example. We drove to a nearby lake. When H drives he gets a very superior attitude, like he is the best driver and no one knows how to drive except him. So tonight he was driving next to a car in the next lane and started making comments like “aww yeah you can’t get past me, how disappointing” and laughing about it. That’s a minor example, he’s actually been the cause of a minor fender bender at a roundabout when he tried to teach another driver what a yield sign means. I don’t like driving with him, which I have brought up in the past and has led to a huge rage from him. It seems he expects me to be on his side though about how horrible other drivers are. I usually just ignore his comments rather than acknowledge them.

I have never asked him if he wants company. Generally if I want to do something with him I’ll ask him and most of the time he will go along with it. I get so tired of being the one to pursue him though. I would love for him to want to spend time with me on his own accord.

[Cat Familiar]

We say don’t validate the invalid. Best to say nothing about his superior attitude toward his driving skills.

Much easier to avoid invalidation sometimes than finding something to validate.