Escalation?

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi again, merelytrying,

Did you manage to get to sleep finally? Those nights when the brain won't stop churning can be so long.

I'm trying to do a little better at standing up for myself in general (like leaving the room if there's too much irrational yelling), but it's so hard to think like that all of the time. I'm so tired.

My fatigue was also pretty constant and horrible. I get what it's like. It took me awhile to connect that my mental and physical fatigue was from what was going on around me, namely the never ending situation with my spouse. Do you feel that's also what's causing your tiredness? We are affected in our body, soul and spirit when there is conflict all around. Is your body on high alert most of the time, especially when your DH is around?

Good for you for starting to stand up for yourself, even by leaving the room. FF has brought up some good questions, and I know you're thinking them through. When the light bulbs started to turn on for me so that I began to see more clearly that things were really unhealthy in my marriage, it was a shock. Others were able to see what I couldn't or didn't want to admit. You are courageous to be open to seeing truth. Stick with it! Keep going and keep posting here.

I'd like for you to remember that you and I DO have the power to make choices. We really do. (That was one of those light bulb moments for me.)

Some extra hugs from me to you this day. Warm arms of compassion holding you tight. 

 
Wools

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

Hey...and I realized I was remiss in mentioning that...for now...to keep this in the realm of "thinking" and "planning".

Yes..100% you have the power to make choices, it's just as important that when you decide to make a choice your hubby may not like (how is that for polite?)  ...that he doesn't "roll you".

So...we can figure out a place or to for you to make changes...and maybe the car isn't the place to start, find something that isn't as much of a big deal.

Then we can coach you on how to present it, how to respond when the pushes for you to "get back in line"..etc etc.

Last:  Wishing you good sleep as well.  You have lots of important things to  consider.  A clear and rested head is critical! 

Best,

FF

[merelytrying]

Thanks, y'all...

Hey...and I realized I was remiss in mentioning that...for now...to keep this in the realm of "thinking" and "planning".

I have to start with that... thank you. :-) There's a wave of relief right there! As I'm sure you can see, just the thought of reacting differently is terrifying at times. Especially since he often thinks I'm attacking him and fighting with him even when I do nothing!

But yes, FF, your summation of the motivations and roles was pretty much right. I don't even know what could motivate him differently... he already gets what he wants. Except for the things I can't make myself do (mostly the things that I believe are wrong or the things that scare me more than a verbal attack). I don't think I'd feel safe making any major demands/changes while staying in the same house with him, and that would take a lot of planning ahead.

Do you feel that's also what's causing your tiredness? We are affected in our body, soul and spirit when there is conflict all around. Is your body on high alert most of the time, especially when your DH is around?

I got more sleep last night than I did the night before, but I'm still really emotional today... so I don't think I got enough! But indeed, Wools, I'm on high alert most of the time. Some of the fatigue is caused by the situation, and some of it isn't. I have a lot of physical health issues (that were there before I met him, for the most part) that complicate the issue, but of course the stress makes it worse.

So...we can figure out a place or to for you to make changes...and maybe the car isn't the place to start, find something that isn't as much of a big deal.

I hope we can come up with something else... I'm gonna have to start taking notes or something, because it's really hard for me to remember details or past events. I've gotten too good at blocking things out. Oh, but one of the changes I'm trying to make is refusing to report verbatim the conversations that he's suspicious about. But I don't think I'm doing a very good job. I alternate between "I don't remember any more" (which is usually true) or "Honey, I just can't keep repeating verbatim conversations to you. It's too stressful for me, and I'd like you to trust me." But he still presses me about it when I say that, just not for quite as long. And then of course he complains about it. I don't think he believes me about the memory issues.

I really appreciate the help here!

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Merelytrying,

Good to hear from you. I like FF's suggestion about being in the thinking and planning stages. It gives you time to be observant and gain greater understanding about the relationship you and your spouse have. As you see with new eyes what is happening through the interactions between you and your spouse, I think you'll be able to safely make some  healthy changes. It might be a bit unsettling the first few times you do this, but with time it will get easier and you will feel empowered to be making some choices. I know that FF will be sharing some good ideas with you.

 
Wools