Here we go again...

[marv1995]

Well, if you read my last post you saw that it had been almost 3 weeks since I spoke to my ex. I had blocked him on all socials but couldn't bring myself to block his number, but I deleted it. Well I got a text from him last night that said "I'm sorry Kayla. For everything. I'll send you everything you own tomorrow." referring to the gifts I bought him. I just told him not to worry about it, that I bought those for him. He then responded saying "I hope you're doing okay, Kayla" I told him I was doing okay and that I hoped he was too, and that I was also sorry for the part I played in our relationship. He said "I'm sorry for always running" I told him it's okay, that I understand why he does it and I hope he can let someone love him one day and that I can too. That was 6 hours ago and I haven't heard from him anymore. Wtf...

[arjay]

I told him it's okay, that I understand why he does it and I hope he can let someone love him one day and that I can too. That was 6 hours ago and I haven't heard from him anymore. Wtf...

A person suffering from BPD is emotionally unhealthy.  A healthy, love-based relationship seems to be something to which they are not capable.  I tried for 5 years and after a year in counseling, came to realize it was simply naive to believe that I could "love her enough" for her to see anything.

It was painful to admit defeat and that "love" in this case, was not going to overcome her emotional disorder.  I had to let-go and save myself.

[grumpydonut]

   
Here we go again...

Hey Marv, I think what you decided to name this post reveals a lot of what is causing you this distress.

It suggests that you think this situation is out of your control, while the truth is that you can control whether or not you allow this cycle to start.

"Here we go AGAIN" also illustrates that you know this is a cycle from him. What maybe you haven't yet accepted is that this is always how it'll be. You can't change him, and it's unwise to expect him to suddenly treat you well - or with any common decency at all.

That was 6 hours ago and I haven't heard from him anymore. Wtf...

That's how it'll always be...until he might one day need you again.

[marv1995]

Hey grumpydonut, I think you're right. I think part of me WANTS him to reach out because it releases all of that serotonin and dopamine in my brain and makes me feel good . I also don't think I've fully accepted that he won't ever change. I keep hoping that the next time will be different, even though I've hoped that same thing many times and it never has been. From the outside looking in, when we are broke up he seems so calm and collected and mature which makes me question MY sanity and if things were really THAT bad in our relationship. And to be honest, they weren't terrible like some relationships with a BPD person are. The worst thing was just the constant push/pull. The "I want to marry you" and then 2 days later the "I want to be alone." Idk, the healing process is just messy. I wish I was over it already!

[grumpydonut]

It'll take a while, Marv. But it takes longer if you allow him into your life!

As for appearing calm and normal, people with BPD have been wearing a mask their entire life. They are expert at it, as they never learned a true identity, thus they have to act.

This may help you, mine once said to me "they don't know (about my suicidal ideation) because I don't tell them. I'm good at wearing a mask"

[marv1995]

I talked to my therapist today about our conversation and she said my comment of "I hope I can find someone to love me too." probably triggered him into not responding. I didn't mean it in a bad way at all, I just meant that I am also damaged and have a hard time letting people genuinely love me just like he does, but I know it probably didn't seem that way to him. Oh well .