I want to detail my 2 and a half month relationship

[TigerDank1982]

     This is my first post here after lurking on this forum for 3 weeks. I want to detail my 2 and a half month relationship with a woman that has since completely derailed my emotional and mental health. I have no proof that she's been diagnosed with BPD but the telltale signs of are all there.        

      M(34) and I (38) met through online dating and had our first date on May 1st. From that day and we were inseparable. She was so easy going, beautiful, vulnerable, and voluptuous.It didn't take long for us to get physical and the sex was amazing and abundant. About a month in she told me she loved me, and I loved her.

      Even when all this was happening, some things she did gave me pause. She was REALLY into me. I mean A LOT. She would constantly be touching me and complimenting me. Telling me how cute I was and how easy it was to talk to me. It was definitely over the top but I just figured she liked me.      
    
       I knew we were moving quickly but we each invested in the relationship at the same pace so I didn’t get concerned.  After a few weeks, I met her family and she met mine. Eventually it came time for her to meet my kids. I had arranged for us all to go to a local play place so my boys would meet her.
      
     That day, she texted me that she was going to take her kids from her ex-husband, who bullied her into doing so, despite the fact that it was his time, and that she was not going to make it to dinner. I was miffed but I didn’t get angry. I just gave her a thumbs up emoji and didn’t text her the rest of the day.

       Later that night, she texted me if I wanted to talk and I told her I was upset about her not making it to the meeting with my kids.

"He doesn't sound like the type of guy that is going to stop doing this."
"I don't know what I am going to do rn."
 
      This disagreement was our first one and it triggered her. In a few curt texts, she told me she was aware of her family situation. The next night, I called her at 9 for our daily call and she didn’t answer. She texted she was out with “a friend.”

       In the next few days, went at her house to talk about the matter face to face. Immediately, I could tell that her entire demeanor had changed toward me. She told me about how me not calling/texting her the other night made her feel so anxious and affected her ability to parent. Eventually it devolved into a “circular argument.”  She said if I did it again, the relationship was over. I couldn’t tolerate an ultimatum, and left saying I’m done.

      I went home and caved. I called her back and told her I just wanted to her and that I loved her. She said she had a busy week coming up and that she would call me Wednesday.

     When we spoke Wednesday night, I told her I was sorry for what I did the other day, asked for her forgiveness and she said “I don’t think we can get through this.”

       She said she didn’t want to see me anymore.  Knowing I wasn’t going to change her mind and that she would only would lose respect for me if I begged or pleaded, I relented. So I just said “Goodbye M” and hung up the phone, heartbroken.

      She started dating someone immediately afterward. I can tell through here Instagram that this guy has been taking her on vacations to Chicago and the Lake of the Ozarks. We're texted intermittently, cordially. I asked her if she wanted to hangout sometime and she refused because she was "seeing someone else."

      I'm a basket case and I have been now for two months. The idea that our entire relationship, the intimacy, the sex, the hours of deep conversations, can turn on a dime like that over one minor misunderstanding is ridiculous. I get cold sweats, massive anxiety, depression and I am 2 months removed from it.

     I can't stand it. I feel guilty for criticizing her the way that I did. About a month ago I stumbled on this forum and sub-Reddit and I noticed how a lot of these stories sounded like mine. The idealization, the monkey branching, the mirroring ect.

     I can't help but want her back even though I hear the kind of hell that can unleash. I want to help her. I'm working with a breakup coach to see if I can get her back.

    I'm not sure if I have ever been this depressed. It's scary. It's three day weekend. I should be happy. I was happy when I met her, but now...

Thanks for reading.                          

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi TigerDank,  

Welcome to our online family! Sounds like you've definitely been through the ringer in a short time. Lots of highs and now the lows.

A pwBPD can be quite easily triggered into feelings of abandonment which prompts them to react in kind and abandon relationships or threaten to. Do you think that might be what happened?

Wools

[TigerDank1982]

Hi TigerDank,  

Welcome to our online family! Sounds like you've definitely been through the ringer in a short time. Lots of highs and now the lows.

A pwBPD can be quite easily triggered into feelings of abandonment which prompts them to react in kind and abandon relationships or threaten to. Do you think that might be what happened?

Wools

I think that's exactly what happened. I triggered an abandonment episode without even knowing it and it was over before I knew what happened. I'm definitely not one to diagnose major personality disorders but, after I found this forum, the details are too numerous to ignore. My therapist agrees.

I think she had an ex on the outside that had called her and I think she may have initially rebuked him but when our argument happened, she jumped ship.

The idealizing put so much pressure on me. She thought I was this perfect guy, but I'm human, I'm emotional and moody. I feel guilty.

  

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi again, TigerDank,

The idealizing put so much pressure on me. She thought I was this perfect guy, but I'm human, I'm emotional and moody. I feel guilty.

It's good self awareness that you picked up on the idealizing phase. You don't have to give up on who you are to be in a relationship with a pwBPD, but you do have to learn the skills you need to work in relationship with them.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62266.0

I'm glad to hear that you're in T. Being able to share and learn in T has been a lifesaver for me. It's so easy to feel guilty as you mentioned. Sometimes you have to ask yourself if that's the right question, ie, "is it appropriate for me to feel guilty for being human and expressing my needs?"   There are ways to learn to express those needs and not trigger the SO in our life. I'm still in the learning process myself!

Wools

[TigerDank1982]

I feel really guilty about the way I did it. She built this image of me up in her head that I couldn't compete with. I pushed her away by not texting her back that day.

But Jesus, I didn't think she would dump me over it.

[ILMBPDC]

I'm a basket case and I have been now for two months. The idea that our entire relationship, the intimacy, the sex, the hours of deep conversations, can turn on a dime like that over one minor misunderstanding is ridiculous. I get cold sweats, massive anxiety, depression and I am 2 months removed from it.

I'm at 6 1/2 weeks since the discard and I know this feeling so well. I was split when I finally got the balls to tell him I felt like he was using me. To me, it was a minor statement, something normal people would discuss and try and figure out (plus he alluded to that exact thing the last time I saw him, basically made a statement about how I was giving him all my energy and he wasn't giving back). But apparently, this hit too close to home and that was that.
I spent weeks asking myself the same thing - how could we be so close, have such deep conversations, understand each other so well...and it was all done over one statement. I blamed myself, told myself I shouldn't have brought it up, that I could have worded it better...
I finally came to the realization that I will never understand what goes on in his brain - BPD's thought processes do not work like other peoples.

I can't stand it. I feel guilty for criticizing her the way that I did.

I finally realized that if I can't say literally one negative thing in a relationship (romantic or otherwise), that I have to hold myself back from expressing my thoughts and needs, then that relationship is toxic. And I deserve better. YOU deserve better

I can't help but want her back even though I hear the kind of hell that can unleash. I want to help her.

No one can help them, they have to help themselves. They have to realize they have a problem and decide to change. No amount of you trying to help her without her doing the work will do anything other than create more chaos for you.

Being with a BPD is like being an addict. It can apparently change brain chemistry, which sounds crazy but honestly with the way I feel, it makes sense. Being away from them feels like withdrawal. The only way to get over it is the same way as any other addiction - keep away from the drug.  In this case, that means going no contact.

I wish you the best, its hard but you will get through it

ETA: sorry I see this is on the "bettering a relationship" forum.  I don't really have any advice on that - but just know we are here for you

[TigerDank1982]

I'm at 6 1/2 weeks since the discard and I know this feeling so well. I was split when I finally got the balls to tell him I felt like he was using me. To me, it was a minor statement, something normal people would discuss and try and figure out (plus he alluded to that exact thing the last time I saw him, basically made a statement about how I was giving him all my energy and he wasn't giving back). But apparently, this hit too close to home and that was that.
I spent weeks asking myself the same thing - how could we be so close, have such deep conversations, understand each other so well...and it was all done over one statement. I blamed myself, told myself I shouldn't have brought it up, that I could have worded it better...
I finally came to the realization that I will never understand what goes on in his brain - BPD's thought processes do not work like other peoples.
I finally realized that if I can't say literally one negative thing in a relationship (romantic or otherwise), that I have to hold myself back from expressing my thoughts and needs, then that relationship is toxic. And I deserve better. YOU deserve better
No one can help them, they have to help themselves. They have to realize they have a problem and decide to change. No amount of you trying to help her without her doing the work will do anything other than create more chaos for you.

Being with a BPD is like being an addict. It can apparently change brain chemistry, which sounds crazy but honestly with the way I feel, it makes sense. Being away from them feels like withdrawal. The only way to get over it is the same way as any other addiction - keep away from the drug.  In this case, that means going no contact.

I wish you the best, its hard but you will get through it

ETA: sorry I see this is on the "bettering a relationship" forum.  I don't really have any advice on that - but just know we are here for you

Did you know he had BPD or did you connect the dots post mortem like me?

[ILMBPDC]

Did you know he had BPD or did you connect the dots post mortem like me?

He told me he thought he had BPD after the first time he split me and it made so much sense.
I am familiar with BPD because my daughter has it (she was diagnosed early, went through intensive DPT and is very high functioning now --she still has the thoughts but she is much better able to deal with them and have functioning relationships).
I did a lot of research on how BPD differs in men vs women and learned about love bombing (which I was not familiar with as it wasn't something my daughter does) and I thought I knew what to expect going forward --- and I was wrong. Honestly I never in a million years thought he would completely discard me like he did or that it would devastate me as much as it did.

[TigerDank1982]

It's insane. I'm still reeling from mine. I want her back so bad but literally everyone I talk to irl or online says run for the hills.

[ILMBPDC]

It's insane. I'm still reeling from mine. I want her back so bad but literally everyone I talk to irl or online says run for the hills.

It is quite literally akin to a drug addiction. There's something about the love bombing and resulting oxytocin that rewires the brain. You pretty much have to treat it as a drug addiction - go cold turkey (no contact), have a great support system through the withdrawals and come out better on the other side. AND work to never slip back into that drug.

Not sure if you have been on the "Detaching after a breakup" side of the forum but feel free to come read our stories - you will see that your feelings are the norm and that it IS possible to detach.

I know you posted about wanting her back - but ask yourself if you feel this awful after 2 1/2 months, how would a lifetime of push/pull, split/discard cycles make you feel?  You are worthy of healthy love.

[TigerDank1982]

I see what you're saying but I don't think that will be a problem. I don't think she is coming back. Who knows.

[once removed]

are the two of you still communicating? what are the communications like?

[TigerDank1982]

I reached out to her a few times and things have been cordial. One time a accidentally called her, hung up immediately (honest) and she texted me the next day asking "what's up."

I floated the idea of meeting up and she said she admitted she was seeing someone.   

[once removed]

do you still want to reconcile?

[TigerDank1982]

Idk, man. I feel like a heroine addict.

Logically, I know she's poisonous. But emotionally, I'm still attached. I got divorced 3 years ago and she's the first girl I let in.

Like an idiot, I looked at her Instagram stories and she freaking out about something going wrong with this new guy. I'm struggling not to text her and tell her I miss her.   

 

[TigerDank1982]

Should I let her know I think she has BPD?

[ILMBPDC]

Should I let her know I think she has BPD?

No. Read this page - about half way down under "What not to do"
https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy

There are also many stories on the boards from people who tried it and it never goes well
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=274445.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=279983.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=76633.0

[TigerDank1982]

Thank you for your input. I guess I knew it was wishful thinking. The truth is I just want to talk to her.

[ILMBPDC]

Thank you for your input. I guess I knew it was wishful thinking. The truth is I just want to talk to her.

It so common to feel this way...unless you are still hoping to reconcile, I suggest posting on the detaching forum for support with this.   
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=11.0

[TigerDank1982]

I will. Hypothetically, if I am looking to reconcile, how would I go about it?

[ILMBPDC]

I will. Hypothetically, if I am looking to reconcile, how would I go about it?

I have no advice on that as I don't think its a good idea but if its the route you want to take I suggest posting a new thread with that as the title, hopefully someone can help you. Take care.

[once removed]

But emotionally, I'm still attached. I got divorced 3 years ago and she's the first girl I let in.

you wouldnt be the first to become involved in your relationship at sort of an emotionally vulnerable time. more than likely, it opened up wounds that preexisted her.

Hypothetically, if I am looking to reconcile, how would I go about it?

the hard thing about this is, is if shes in a new relationship, its not something you can really compete with, and, frankly, you ought not try. its really got to play itself out, and stand or fall on its own. if her relationship crashed and burned tomorrow, and she came back, those wouldnt really be the ideal circumstances. its probably the last thing you want to hear, but its an emotionally strong move to keep yourself out of that equation.

that doesnt mean you cant sort of stay on her radar, so to speak. are the two of you connected on social media or anything?

[TigerDank1982]

My thoughts exactly. We're not connected on Facebook or Instagram because I defriended right after the breakup. I send her a text every now and again when I see a meme or a TikTok that reminds me of her.

I just really hope she gets the help she needs. She's an amazing girl despite all this, absolutely beautiful, and I know she's hurting. 

I definitely want her to know she can call me before she does something stupid.

[TigerDank1982]

you wouldnt be the first to become involved in your relationship at sort of an emotionally vulnerable time. more than likely, it opened up wounds that preexisted her.

the hard thing about this is, is if shes in a new relationship, its not something you can really compete with, and, frankly, you ought not try. its really got to play itself out, and stand or fall on its own. if her relationship crashed and burned tomorrow, and she came back, those wouldnt really be the ideal circumstances. its probably the last thing you want to hear, but its an emotionally strong move to keep yourself out of that equation.

that doesnt mean you cant sort of stay on her radar, so to speak. are the two of you connected on social media or anything?

She's been all over my IG stories the last few days. First bit of unprovoked attention she's paid me in weeks...

[once removed]

she probably values you as a person, and the time you spent together.

if you defriended her, then you likely sent the message that she cant call you.

im not saying it was necessarily the wrong decision for you, but im saying it might work against your goals.

[TigerDank1982]

she probably values you as a person, and the time you spent together.

if you defriended her, then you likely sent the message that she cant call you.

im not saying it was necessarily the wrong decision for you, but im saying it might work against your goals.

idk, I've initiated all the contact after the breakup, even told her she can call me when she is ready when we last spoke, I think she is going to have to contact me directly if she wants to talk...  

[rob66]

Tiger, your story is similar to many others. I'm going to give you my best advice: move on. Listen to what ILMBPDC says. You have to give yourself time to heal. It takes time, and effort. Therapy helps. Better to suffer now for a bit, than pursue an ideal that will never exist. See the "detaching" board.

[TigerDank1982]

Tiger, your story is similar to many others. I'm going to give you my best advice: move on. Listen to what ILMBPDC says. You have to give yourself time to heal. It takes time, and effort. Therapy helps. Better to suffer now for a bit, than pursue an ideal that will never exist. See the "detaching" board.

Appreciate the reply. This is hard.

She's lurked on my every Instagram story I've posted for a month. The rub is I don't follow her, meaning she's actively having to search my name and click on my profile as opposed to mindlessly scrolling through the stories in your feed which is what most people do. She's doing this knowing I can see her, like she's baiting me into contacting her.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't post stuff trying to get her attention.   

[rob66]

Tiger, we all know how hard this is. You are not alone by any means. One thing that is helping me get through my experience is extending a helping hand to others; our exes are not like this on purpose. My ex suffered incredible trauma through much of her life, and because of of that I am learning to detach with compassion (which at times makes it even more difficult because it really emphasizes how much I loved, and still, love her; more importantly, it also means I am able to take care of myself first, which is vastly more important). I practice extending that compassion to others every chance I get. It's incredible how much helping others has helped me refocus on my own self-worth - something I have always possessed and understood, but has been tough to see at times through the darkness and pain of the past several months.

This site has helped me immensely. Keep using it. But do understand that with this one life you have, you must take care of yourself before anything else. Do yourself a huge favor and move over to the board that emphasizes learning to detach. Once you detach, only then will you have clarity. You can get through this. You really can.

[TigerDank1982]

Update:

She sporadically looked at my IG stories over the course of the last 2 months. A few days before Christmas, I responded. I just asked her if everything was okay and she told me she was fine. Nothing but really surface level stuff. Her walls are still way up with me which hurts because we used to talk effortlessly for hours.

She hasn't looked at any of my stories since and now I'm depressed because I feel like I have chased her off. Making matters worse, I stalked her profile and there is another dude all over it.     

I still miss her...