Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
September 22, 2021, 12:51:33 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Harri, Once Removed
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, I Am Redeemed, Mutt, Turkish
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Depression = 72% of members
Take the test, read about the implications, and check out the remedies.
111
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Is she really driving our marriage over the cliff??  (Read 143 times)
CityMouse

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 7


« on: September 12, 2021, 10:03:02 PM »

I’m a grateful love addict with two years solid recovery and a strong support network, together 10 years with my wife (legally married for 8). We pretty successfully navigated the ups and downs of partnered life until about 4 years ago when 1) a family crisis dredged up more of her childhood trauma, 2) I left my low-paying job and became a full-time PhD student (with her blessing and support), and 3) she remained in her high-paying, high stress healthcare job after being rejected from a medical fellowship (we applied to school/fellowship at the same time). Midway through my 2nd year in school I was thriving- finally happy to be moving toward my life’s calling- and delighted to share it all with her… and she was… gone. That’s the only way I can describe it, she was just completely avoidant, shut down and keeping me at arm’s length. I panicked, went into 12 step recovery, and worked my program hard- because MY life was totally unmanageable! As a result, many of the negative relationship patterns we had changed and things seemed to be getting better.

A few years back we had talked about possible separation, but neither of us followed through. Then 6 months ago she started pushing for divorce. She couldn’t explain why, she just kept saying she wanted to “change her whole life.” Now her line is “I just want to be alone, I don’t want to be married anymore. I love you, but it has nothing to do with love.” She yells a lot, accuses me of not caring, and refuses to talk about (or listen to me share) anything that she terms “psycho-babble” (even if it’s just average life stuff… I can’t think of a good example, but point is she reacts to me as if I’m an overbearing parent no matter how much I detach with love or how supportive I am in a healthy way). She yelled so much about how I needed to find a mediator (because she “didn’t want to just serve me with divorce papers”) that I finally did what she asked and made an appointment. She talks about splitting up like we’re roommates and gets mad if I get emotional about breaking apart the life (and blended human/fur family) we created together.

I am heartbroken and exhausted. I feel like I’m on a weird gameshow where nothing makes sense, and any action I take in response to her direct requests is flipped around like it was my idea and therefore I’m “on the attack.” I’ve read all the books, consulted countless “experts” and been told over and over that I need to let her go. I’m posting because I sincerely love her, I see how much pain she is in, and— even though I now have the good sense to “get out of the car” that she’s steering towards the proverbial cliff—  I’m still hoping she changes her mind about divorce and finds (accepts) help.
Logged
PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

ChanelMadam

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: verge of breakup
Posts: 9


« Reply #1 on: September 14, 2021, 11:02:07 PM »

hey. so sad hearing similar stories here and anywere else relating to this illness. i think when they are done, they are done tbh. when the begging for forgiveness and the i love yous and im sorrys have stopped....we are seen as fully devalued in their eyes. their mind is made up unless they later see what they have done, by then it may be too late in your heart. my partner has gotten to this point and i love and care for him so very much, to the point im frightened for my heart to deal with letting him be. its really an unfair and hurtful place to live in our hearts and minds ay
Logged
CityMouse

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 7


« Reply #2 on: September 15, 2021, 06:20:30 AM »

so sad hearing similar stories here and anywere else relating to this illness. i think when they are done, they are done tbh.
…..
Thank you for replying. I’m sad, too… just taking things day by day, taking care of myself the best I can. Still hoping and praying my wife does get to the point of realizing what’s going on and wanting a future together…
Logged
formflier
Ambassador
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 18547



WWW
« Reply #3 on: September 15, 2021, 06:31:56 AM »


If she is "done"...why is she still in the relationship? 


What is she really "saying" with the confusing things she says?

Best,

FF
Logged

ChanelMadam

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: verge of breakup
Posts: 9


« Reply #4 on: September 16, 2021, 06:38:47 AM »

ive found some neat advice on this page where ive not read in research or other articles etc. start being kind to yourself, set small achievable goals, then bigger ones as u tick the last off. praise yourself, put some colour in your world literally like redo a piece of furniture up, find a new hobby, something u have been curious about perhaps? do u. she may be curious about u again, she may not. but u owe it to yourself after the emotional ride yv had.if u have any contact, these ppl have advised can be hopeful, dont put pressure on, just be gentle with answers and offers of support.she may be left wondering...... find your strength in things U do for U
Logged
CityMouse

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 7


« Reply #5 on: September 18, 2021, 04:31:20 PM »

If she is "done"...why is she still in the relationship? 

What is she really "saying" with the confusing things she says?

Best,

FF

Those are excellent questions. I started a reply a few days back when I was feeling optimistic and secure and my answers were simple:  She’s still here  because she does care about me and values our relationship (or at the very least doesn’t want to lose me). The confusing rants come because she wants to be heard and doesn’t feel her feelings are acknowledged and understood.

Today, however, I’m in a darker place after another mediation session yesterday and a big argument last night. The story in my head now is that she’s actually trying to leave the relationship as fast as possible, but she’s still here because she feels sorry for me or somehow it’s true that I’m dragging out the process and “won’t let her leave” (like she says). And the confusing rants are her frustration at my denial that she’s done with me.

I realize that sounds so f*c&ed up. I feel crazy in the head and so mad at myself for allowing all this stuff to get to me.

 
do u. she may be curious about u again, she may not. but u owe it to yourself after the emotional ride yv had.if u have any contact, these ppl have advised can be hopeful, dont put pressure on, just be gentle with answers and offers of support.she may be left wondering...... find your strength in things U do for U

Thank you for the encouragement. I do have several projects and fun things just for me. Trying to maintain my balance, take care of me and focus on myself. Hard to do when she’s antagonistic- I get “lost” in these interactions sometimes :P
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2021?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2021 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
Andi1956
Anondad
Cnvi
doghouse
drained1996
EyesUp
Harri
JD2028
lovenature
Mac5
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
old97
P.F.Change
Skip
snowglobe
Swimmy55
Teno
Turkish
wendydarling

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!