Emotions

[StartingHealing]

I am having a time of it at the moment.  Posting here, has brought up emotions of like I am betraying my wife and along with that is feelings of fear if she would find out that I am doing this.

I know that this is messed up.

Does anyone have any advice on how to move myself into a space that is healthier?

My thanks in advance.

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[StartingHealing]

StartingHealing here again.

I am attempting to express myself some. but this is really difficult for me at the moment.

I really don't know what to do any more.  It seems like no matter what I do or how I do it it's not enough or not good enough or something.  I didn't know to not take things personal.  Now I'm scared most of the time.  There is a level of performance that I can't do any more.

It's like I'm supposed to be the end all and be all and everything is about her and to hell with me.  I'm attempting to release the emotions that I have that are from before I knew to not take it personal but how can I be everything?  I've realized that I can't be everything. 

I don't think that she will be leaving since she did have an accident many years ago that caused her to have a physical disability.  It was her leg. 

I remember her from before it got so freaking bad.

I keep reminding myself that it's her disorder, that it's not personal, that it is like an animal doing what it does to live. 

I need something for myself though.   My life can't be just about her, all the time.

Even at work, which I admit I have used as a means to have some kind of shelter, with cell phones, there are texts and calls and ... which triggers my emotional reactions again. 

There was a situation at my work a few days ago.  There was a person that committed suicide in the parking lot.  Young person, really sad you know?  It seems like that situation kicked off some other things inside me. 

Can't really explain it.  I'm really attempting to move past the blame game but I'm having a devil of a time of it. 

Yes, I'm enmeshed and not in a good way. 

Thanks for letting me vent.

[Jabiru]

Posting here, has brought up emotions of like I am betraying my wife and along with that is feelings of fear if she would find out that I am doing this. / I know that this is messed up.

It sounds like your instinct knows this isn't "betraying". It's an important step in healing yourself and your relationship. In relationships, there can be healthy and unhealthy patterns. Reinforcing the healthy patterns and changing the unhealthy into healthy will benefit both of you in the long term.

Reading this thread and your previous, it sounds like you've lost much of yourself. I'd encourage you to spend an hour alone every day. Read a book, talk with family or friends, whatever brings your sense of self back. Take care of yourself. Don't enable unhealthy patterns. Try not to invalidate.

If you like books, I found Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist foundational to my new relationship patterns. It will feel different, but you can make it work with boundaries and healthy patterns. Skills needed for any relationship, I've come to realize.

What changes have you tried and how did they turn out?

[StartingHealing]

Jabiru,

Thanks for the reply.  Currently, I'm declining to engage with her emotional storms.

 I mean, since I am the only one that is responsible for anything,  it got to a point where sex became non-existent for several years now.  Really hard to do the deed when from prior experience every single thing can be held against me at any time in the future.

Currently it appears that sex is the issue.  I don't know if it's from her needing validation or if it is a method of demanding I become more enmeshed with her since I have been backing off of the way I would usually respond.

I do have a great deal of F.O.G. going on.

I did acquire several books.  The one you mentioned, the stop walking on eggshells so far. Digital versions on my work laptop since she doesn't have access to it. 

I admit that I have had my own issues before finding out about BPD and how I contribute to the mess that is the relationship.

Looking back I can see how the issues were a way for me to provide some relief to myself.  There was a time about 2 years ago that I was using spicy pictures to provide physical release.  I've stopped that two years ago.

I do attempt to take some time for myself,  if I can get a hour in total at work, (breaks / lunch) or there are times where I have to do homework.  I'm in school going for a cyber-security degree. 

I need to ask as a follow married person.  How did you navigate sex?  I'm in such a state, and have been in such for so long that the idea of physical congress with my wife..  I can't explain at the moment.

Its like I'm in a no-win and I don't know how to go forward.

Thanks again.

May I ask how long you have been married?

[StartingHealing]

Felt like I needed to add more.

About me.  Was adopted, grew up on a family farm, both prior marriages ended up in divorce.

She raged / rages at me about how the ball is in my court and how I'm responsible for the lack of sex.  This coming from someone who will / would get on me because the wallet I had didn't fit within the confines of my back pocket.  Or watering the plants, or yard work or, or, or.

She has stated that she has removed sex out of the relationship and yet still rages about how it's my fault that there is no sex in the relationship.

She has sequestered herself in the house.  Says that when she goes out by herself other people laugh at her.  She likes swimming and mermaiding.  Same statement that the other people at the pool laugh and ridicule her swimming. 

The longer term plan is this as far as objectives.  I get a cyber security degree, get a remote job, get a school bus and convert into a tiny house, and then travel. 

I know this is scattered but I've held onto so much of this stuff for so stinking long,

You know it took a lot of years before I finally gave up the person in my mind that she was.  When we were first together over 24 years ago, she was bright, bubbly, loved to laugh, kind and outspoken and firm in her convictions.  Over the years, (again it's all my fault) her actions changed.  If I didn't discipline the kids the way she did then I didn't discipline them,  she does not like herself, she has said very negative things about her body, her injury, (she is permanently disabled about 30% ADA range) the lack of $ she brings in, being bored, being unhappy, not wanting to learn any computer skills.. etc.

I don't really know what to do.  I don't know if I currently have the strength to move forward,  the suicide at work did trigger a lot of things and while I'm not planning on it, I sure can understand why someone could do it.

Yeah, I've lost my sense of self and I don't know at the moment on how to get it back.

[kells76]

StartingHealing, so glad you are finding this a secure space in which to share and process. Good to see you keeping on coming back.

Comment on the suicide at work. For many of us who have pwBPD in our lives, work can be a respite, an oasis away from all the craziness. When something traumatic happens at work, even if it "doesn't happen directly to you", that makes life hard. The place where things were predictable and normal is now a place where something catastrophic can happen.

It really shook you up; it would anyone. And now, you recognize that the suicide has triggered a bunch of stuff in you. That makes a ton of sense. A former coworker of mine had a near death experience at work earlier this year, in a way that almost mirrored how our former housemate died in our home. I get how it's all connected, how it triggers other things in you. The near-death and death were hard in themselves, but also because of how paralyzed I felt and where that sense of being trapped/paralyzed came from earlier in life.

Have you reached out to a counselor/therapist for support? I bet there is someone out there who understands that what you're going through is "not just" the suicide, though that is a big part of things, but also this whole interconnected constellation of challenges/traumas/issues, where one incident that happens kind of drags up all this other stuff.

Please keep us posted on how it goes getting some support. Sometimes dealing with BPD stuff on top of all the other incidents in life feels like absolutely too much.

I don't talk about this a lot but I ended up calling the suicide hotline earlier this year. Some traumatic stuff had happened and then my husbands' kids "imported" their mom's BPD drama to our house. I remember sitting in the truck out front so desperate to not go back inside, I did not feel like I had the strength to do it.

Let us know where you are at and what you need. We understand much of what you are going through.

kells76

[StartingHealing]

kells76,

Thank you for your input.  There is a therapist coming into work today.  I'm going to be going to them.  I am going to try to keep everything on my own self and really try to not bring in anything about the spouse. 

I honestly do not know at the moment what I need.  Like I mentioned, I really understand why someone would end their own life.  I am weary.  Bone level weary.  I follow what she says and that's wrong.  I do what I guess is correct and that's wrong.  Sigh.   Remember those stories where a person goes out for a pack of smokes and never comes back?  Yeah, I have deep understanding on how that could be a possible.

The plan I outlined above had a lot of input from the spouse.  I get it, I do.  Being able to travel and yet still have an income.  Really attractive. 

It feels like I'm in a situation where there isn't a clear path out. 

Found the audiobook of stop walking on eggshells on youtube.  Been listening to it at work.  Hard to grasp some of the content. 

Damn it all, I'm not a hard fella to please you know?  Sigh

Yes, having that event at work did shake a lot of things up.  Been using B3 as a way to help with the low level depression I currently have. 

Been accused of hiding things, not being open, etc.etc. but how do you do that when everything can and will be used against me? 

Yeah, I figure I have shame, guilt, and my self esteem ain't great.

Gotta go.  Time to go talk with the grief therapist. 
 

[StartingHealing]

kells76,

Got done with therapist.  It seemed to be a suicide check.  Talked a lil bit and then kicked over a handout to call the company that provides wellness benefits to my company.  5 sessions in total is what is available to me. 

I get it, I do, that beast is doing whatever it takes to avoid pain / survive.  At the same time though, what about me?  What the ever living about me?

I really would like to cuss here. 

I'm working at a place that don't really fit but it does pay the bills.  They do offer a certain amount of tuition reimbursement. 

It's really hard to keep going with all the responsibilities I have. Plus fitting things in for self care outside her purview.   Because if I do things that involve self care or something that I really want to do, then it becomes a thing with her. 

She appears that she is so jealous of me that for some reason she cannot allow me to do things. 

Maybe I'm wrong but it seems like the idea of a soul mate / twin flame / two becoming one (her in charge) is what is feeding the ongoing attempts to enmesh me, not that I'm that far detached from her anyway. 

Currently, the lack of sex is what she is on at the moment.  It's really really hard because this isn't even a one night stand level.  This is something that I'm scared.  I'm literally freaking out just thinking about it because again no matter what I do it will be used against me at some future time. 

IDK I'm really wondering how I'm going to go forward.  If I can go forward. You know? 

Yes, emotional manipulation, in spades.

Have to go for now.
 

[kells76]

Good to hear back.

Got done with therapist.  It seemed to be a suicide check.  Talked a lil bit and then kicked over a handout to call the company that provides wellness benefits to my company.  5 sessions in total is what is available to me.

Sounds a lot like the company I work for. How did it go for you? Think you will continue with the 5 sessions?

[StartingHealing]

Kels,

I think that I will use the 5 sessions.  Just have to work it in my work schedule since doing it at home would be a no go. 

She is soo set against therapy of any kind.  Even a 12 step program.  Let alone if I'm doing it. 

Then it's all about her.

[kells76]

I think that I will use the 5 sessions.  Just have to work it in my work schedule since doing it at home would be a no go.

That's smart. Yeah, leverage whatever your work gives you, to take care of you. Really makes sense to carve out time work for self care. It'll be space just for you, to focus on you and what you need and want. Hopefully a breath of fresh air, something to look forward to.

I also have to go... looking forward to hearing more, and to what the other members have to share with you.

[Jabiru]

That's good you're getting therapy, taking time for yourself and working towards a degree. That sounds like self care to me. Keep it up.

To your questions: Married for 2 years, first marriage for both of us. With anything, I don't think there's a one size fits all rule. It depends on each of you individually, your relationship, how you're feeling, etc. If she's raging, I usually don't bring it up and keep my distance until things calm down. I try to be direct, literal and avoid hidden messages. I ask what she likes and is expecting from it, and I share my thoughts and feelings too. It takes time for them to understand and trust what you say, and time for you to become more comfortable and trusting of them. If you need boundaries in the bedroom to protect yourself and feel more comfortable, calmly let her know in simple language. It takes time and isn't easy.

It's really hard to keep going with all the responsibilities I have. Plus fitting things in for self care outside her purview.   Because if I do things that involve self care or something that I really want to do, then it becomes a thing with her.

It's hard, but you'll need to be firm that your self care is your business alone, a type of boundary. I have a solo trip every couple months where I can go where I want and do what I want alone for a few days. Did I ask for permission? No. I pay for it and go because I want to. Does she get angry, jealous? Maybe, but she'll have to handle her emotions. That's not my responsibility. And of course, it's a balance. I still spend time with her, go on trips with her.

It takes time to work through these things. You know yourself and your relationship best. I think listening to yourself, your feelings, and setting some healthy boundaries and sticking to them could help. You'll know best what those boundaries are. Maybe talking through these things in therapy could help.

[StartingHealing]

Been a while since I posted.

Listened to the whole audiobook of Stop Walking On Eggshells, youtube does have some hidden gems.  The one I listened to didn't have time stamps to indicate chapters. 

Had a "event" with the wife.  I knew it was coming since I hadn't been engaging in her emotional barrages towards me.

It went surprisingly well.  It was tough to stay calm, to listen to the emotions behind the negative word salad, and to think about all of that while being called various names, and being told that I was the responsible party for everything.  She brought up the subjects of divorce and how she wanted to end it all.  (Again)
 
Really did my best to keep with the S.E.T.

The statements of divorce and ending it all were then countered by statements of how she didn't want to start again, and how once we start traveling (digital nomads on a converted school bus) she would find things to live for etc.  She also mentioned that it would be unfair to the dog if she left or died since there wouldn't be anyone around to take care of him properly.

It did get to a point where I lost my composure (towards the end of the 3 1/2 hr - 4 hr)  I reacted instead of responding.  I reacted with a outburst where I basically told her how could I be responsible for everything?  I was in very high emotions and ended up with smacking my chest through it.  I think that shocked her because shortly after that she regulated herself down to where we could finally go to sleep.

Really black and white thinking with no greys at all.  When she is upset then I've been the asshole since forever.  After the emotional vomit, now I'm not that bad of a person.

Some of the things that I realized (hope it sticks) is that I'm not responsible for her emotional upheavals and that she does have a dis-ease. 

I realize that women generally communicate differently than men do.  Add in the additional layer from the disorder and whoa nelly!

Some things that I have been doing for myself besides school work is there is a app that links to my public library and I can check out and read e-books.  I've read one for the shear pleasure of reading.  One of the dragonrider's of pern books.  What bliss   Plus they do have a selection of audiobooks that I have yet to browse.

Also been considering what I'm bringing into the relationship as far as baggage etc.  I don't think I'm that messed up, don't feel like I'm screwy.  Could be a method on her part to keep me off balance.  I'm leaning towards that direction at the moment.

The relationship has been pretty good since the barrage.  Not that I'm expecting this to continue. 

Personally,  I'm having feelings of if she does end it all, that could be good for me.  Same with the divorce, yeah there will be a financial hit with the divorce but that could also be good for me.  Part of all of this is remembering / reclaiming who I was before all the dis-order and the toll it has taken on me.  Correct?  If that is the case then me thinking about how I would be/do/act without her around is a means to process things so I can start finding the bits of self that have been scattered to hell and gone.

Let me be clear here. She does not directly self harm.  She also has a thing against that type of end of life due to circumstances around her mother attempting the same. 

I feel that those statements about divorce etc. are a means for her to attempt to emotionally bait me so that I would react instead of responding.

Thanks for listening.

[Jabiru]

Hi StartingHealing, good to hear from you. Sounds like good progress to me.

Have you set any boundaries? It sounds like limiting serious talks could make things easier for you and less likely to have an outburst. (I personally limit our talks to 30-60 minutes.)

Again, good news about personal reading and taking time for yourself. I hope your life and relationship are getting better. Cheers!