HealingTee,
I know all too well the pain and feeling of injustice that you are describing. I myself am only 2 and a half weeks post breakup. I’m new to this site, and to BPD, but I know your pain. You want to make them KNOW what they did, what they’ve done. You want them to atone, to see the error of their ways... to reach out and tell you how wrong they were, how they were blinded by insecurity and how they are ashamed with how they treated you. I want to hear the same thing from her... But, this disorder they have... they don’t think or feel the way we do. Their minds are in a different plane when they say the things they say and do the things they do. They don’t have the wherewithal and the presence of mind to understand let alone care for what they do to people.
And it’s not fair. It’s not fair at all. But that’s how they are, and ultimately, the impetus for change must come from within themselves if they truly wish to do so.
Venting to them, laying out all of your unadulterated feelings before them... it won’t show them the way. BPD’s will not blame themselves. They won’t accept it. They will deflect and deflect and deflect. And occasionally they may take responsibility, but we both know, after reading post after post in this site and learning about this disorder... it will not last. They will fall back into the same cycles. Over and over and over again.
So to you, and myself, I say do not share your precious emotions with a gluttonous black hole. Not only will the words not land, through not fault of your own but due to the nature of the disorder, the words will be cast aside and thrown to the ground.
We must move on... And that means removing them from our lives, as incredibly painful and sorrowful as that is. If they are going to change, it will only happen from within themselves. That is the truth. You were more than good enough for him And for anyone. Do not doubt that.
Sincerely,
Deep Blue
Deep Blue, I know and understand how hard it is for you. But, through your hurt you are showing strength by trying help someone else out despite your immense pain you are feeling. That is a good sign. Your words also show that hey you understand it is going to take time, but you can do it. One thing I will say...it is ok to embrace the anger, but use the burst of energy it provides and harness it. Let it spur you onto better things. If you let the anger motivate you then you can turn it into something constructive instead of being crippled by it and letting it destructive.
Is it a good idea to reach out to my exBPD to express how much he’s hurt me? I been holding in my anger and pain for months, I’m not sure if venting everything out to him would help or what the outcome would be?
Healing, to be quite frank...it is a terrible idea. You come from a good place with it of course, but it would just utterly be a colossal waste of time. Deep Blue hit the nail on the end with his response. Also, Deep Blue has been devastated, but look at his response imploring you to not reach out...let that sink in for a moment. If someone who is in immense pain and can relate to you going through the same thing and can sidestep their pain to help you that is when that is truly the best time to listen.
What I would suggest is the same thing I did to Deep Blue. Use that anger. Unleash it in a productive way. What passion do you have that you have left on the back burner? Is there a hobby you are interested in, but just never seem to find the time? Make a goal and then step by step, day by day put your anger to good use and let it motivate you. You should not be holding it in. That just weighs you down and makes you ruminate even more. So in your head say to yourself...no more of this S
! No one controls you but YOU. It is time to stand up and make the world your playground. Do not let anyone wield any power over you or dictate your self worth. Take control and Go kick some
$$!
Cheers and best wishes to you!
-SC-
