Who thinks they're ready to start dating again post BPDex?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

This is popping up on some of the threads so let's just put it out there.  Who here thinks they are ready to start dating and/or start a new relationship now that they've detached from their BPDex?  Let's break it down into a few parts here.

1)  Think you are ready to start dating (seriously or casually it doesn't matter)?
2)  How long have you been split from your BPDex?
3)  How long were you in a relationship with your BPDex?
4)  Other thoughts/comments on what makes you ready or not ready to date?

I'll start.  I thought I was ready, but now I'm pretty sure I should take it easy on the dating front.  I'd be up for casual coffee or lunch dates with people, but before I get into anything serious again I do think I want to go through "baggage check".  I've been split for 14 months.  I was in a relationship for a year.  As for other thoughts, I definitely don't want to end up in a situation like I did with my BPDex so I need to make sure my self-confidence and self-awareness is fully functional.  I also don't want to get into a relationship like I had with my BiPDex which was the previous one and lasted 15 yrs, even though that relationship had many more redeeming qualities.  I'd just like to meet a nice "normal" girl/woman--whatever that means.  I gotta watch out for the 'sparrow with the broken wing', because I'm a sucker for it every time.  I'm going to try to mend it.

[Ad Meliora]

This is popping up on some of the threads so let's just put it out there.  Who here thinks they are ready to start dating and/or start a new relationship now that they've detached from their BPDex?  Let's break it down into a few parts here.

1)  Think you are ready to start dating (seriously or casually it doesn't matter)?
2)  How long have you been split from your BPDex?
3)  How long were you in a relationship with your BPDex?
4)  Other thoughts/comments on what makes you ready or not ready to date?

I'll start.  I thought I was ready, but now I'm pretty sure I should take it easy on the dating front.  I'd be up for casual coffee or lunch dates with people, but before I get into anything serious again I do think I want to go through "baggage check".  I've been split for 14 months.  I was in a relationship for a year.  As for other thoughts, I definitely don't want to end up in a situation like I did with my BPDex so I need to make sure my self-confidence and self-awareness is fully functional.  I also don't want to get into a relationship like I had with my BiPDex which was the previous one and lasted 15 yrs, even though that relationship had many more redeeming qualities.  I'd just like to meet a nice "normal" girl/woman--whatever that means.  I gotta watch out for the 'sparrow with the broken wing', because I'm a sucker for it every time.  I'm going to try to mend it.

[Sappho11]

The "sparrow with the broken wing" is such an apt image! Another sucker here.

Taking it easy is probably a good idea. I feel the same way. Lately a lot of good things have been happening – made new acquaintances, landed a few new clients, found a new flat (moving in November) back in my beloved home district, and I feel really happy being on my own. You know, the kind of happiness where you get up in the morning, the sun is shining, and you're relaxed and thinking "It's gonna be a good day"? That. I'd like to think I'm ready to start dating again but I'm also afraid that I might let my guard down too soon and all my independent happiness will be shattered again. I don't want to go through that again.

It's almost been five months now that my BPDex and I split up. We knew one another for almost three years and were together for eight months out of those.

So it turns out that the young pianist whom I met a month ago and his short-term long-distance girlfriend amicably went different ways. He only has good things to say about her (good sign, IMO). Apparently he got burnt quite badly by the girl before that one (possible NPD) though and he candidly stated he's not ready for a relationship. He's good company, though, and makes a great effort to get to know me on a friendly level. I'm quite happy with this platonic arrangement because it allows me to get to know him in a human way, without feeling pressured to become intimate (which I find to be a problem in modern dating).

Yet I remain wary, because after my narcissistic ex, who lured me in by subtly claiming to be an empath, I find it difficult to distinguish the real caretaking personalities from the mere front. Young Pianist is great even as a platonic friend, texts consistently, makes arrangements for meetups, doesn't conceal that he'd like to get to know me better; but we also share A LOT of likes and dislikes, and I am constantly wondering "Is this a genuinely good, caring guy, or is this mirroring and lovebombing?"   I'm not ignoring that questioning voice this time, and I'm definitely not letting my guard down until I know for sure what is what.

I guess I'm waiting for the first argument of any kind. If my last relationship has taught me anything, it's that you don't know a person until you REALLY disagree on something

In the meantime, there are also one or two other potential suitors who'd just need the tiniest hint to make a move (I think), so neither my peace of mind nor my heart are really at stake this time. I'll make sure it stays that way for now.  

[GuyIncognito]

It's a weird thought process on my end right now, since I'm polyamorous and my non-BPD partner and I have a healthy, communicative, loving relationship that just doesn't really share any commonalities with my relationship with my BPDex. We don't (and never will) live together, and that works very well for us. With everything going as well as it is in that relationship right now, I honestly feel like it may be a while before I intentionally date anyone new.

Having the connection I have with her, and then having just all the time in the world to focus on myself now, it's hard to picture wanting to give up so much of that time to do all the slow, careful building of a new relationship. And it will be slow and careful, because I've got a very clear picture of what I want and don't want going forward, and I will not just be assuming/trusting that the surface-level being into what I want is genuine.

[poppy2]

This is a nice thread, thanks for starting!

I would love to start dating again, in the sense of wanting to have physical intimacy, wanting company and to be excited about someone, and generally getting out of my own world and relating to others. However, I know that I'm not ready for any of these things. I really think that I have to start dating myself, and committing to doing some big or satisfying projects that boost my confidence and security in the world, rather than dating anybody individually. I would love for it to work out but they would really have to be an angel because I'm not strong enough to navigate/determine things for myself yet (and my trust was so severely damaged last time). I've also found that if you're even slightly vulnerable you leave yourself open to major damage and predatory behaviour and so I can't imagine dating unless or until I can manage all of my own vulnerabilities myself.

That. I'd like to think I'm ready to start dating again but I'm also afraid that I might let my guard down too soon and all my independent happiness will be shattered again. I don't want to go through that again.

God - No! If there was any justice in the world, then there really would be a BPD/NPD register that would mean "forewarned is forearmed", as you once wrote ... I still can't believe how powerful that shattering was by the pwBPD.

Guyincognito: "And it will be slow and careful, because I've got a very clear picture of what I want and don't want going forward, and I will not just be assuming/trusting that the surface-level being into what I want is genuine."
.. I really agree with this too. Falling for what people "seem" is really not connected to who they "are". That is such a hard lesson to learn, because it could also lead to some real anxiety in future contacts, wondering if a person is hiding anything. I personally find it hard to imagine being slow and careful without being bored, honestly... I'm going to try and be more balanced in the future, but also simply practice very strong boundaries of self, and anybody who gives me excessive compliments has got to go. 

[Dad50]

1)  Think you are ready to start dating (seriously or casually it doesn't matter)?
       There is close to zero chance I am ready.


2)  How long have you been split from your BPDex?

      We have been split for 3 months, but just stopped sleeping together a month ago.

3)  How long were you in a relationship with your BPDex?
   5+ years

4)  Other thoughts/comments on what makes you ready or not ready to date?

     I think the reasons I want to date are the exact reason why I should absolutely not.    My ex/BPD still won't leave me alone to recover, even though she has a new man who she says is her destiny.  Part of me thinks that if I find someone, and she has someone, she would leave me alone to heal. That is a seriously horrible reason to start dating.

Secondly, and maybe someone has feedback, I'm 48 and part of me is terrified I won't find that life partner, even though I am really okay being by myself.  My exBPD really messed me up about what normal relationships are because now I feel like you have find that someone that matches your every interest, but I realize that was just her mirroring. She says her and new guy have so much in common too. Again, "because I am getting old" is a bad reason to start.

I think I will be ready when I am not constantly thinking and being reminded of my ex. I will be ready when my first thought is not "What will she think if I do this" . When I can stop caring about that I might be ready

[Ad Meliora]

You know, the kind of happiness where you get up in the morning, the sun is shining, and you're relaxed and thinking "It's gonna be a good day"?

This sounds pretty great Sappho.  Some people here call that a "Bluebird" day from the song "Zippity-doo dah", I believe. Sun's out, sky is blue, everything is going your way!

Mister Bluebird's on my shoulder
It's the truth, it's "actch'll"
Everything is "satisfactch'll"

I'm hoping to get there myself.  Everyone here has some good points.  I think your's, Poppy, is a real good one and resonates with me:

I really think that I have to start dating myself, and committing to doing some big or satisfying projects that boost my confidence and security in the world, rather than dating anybody individually.

I'm more in this mode now.  For me, it's more important to do some work here than to go on some sexcapade to satisfy some part of my ego, etc... Get in relationship just to feel good about myself without doing some more work to avoid future catastrophe.  I've actually contemplated Sologamy--marrying myself!  Finally, someone my mother could fully approve of? 

Dad50, no one tells you that after 45 you can start seeing the Grim Reaper sharpening his scythe over in the corner, but still he is just a phantom and may be lightyears from you yet.  Your posts remind me of that Trent Reznor song "Down in it" when he was with NIN.  Actually, many posts here do.  One day you'll be "up above it", but for now you're "down in it."  Dating likely seems completely absurd at this point.

[poppy2]

.I've actually contemplated Sologamy--marrying myself!  Finally, someone my mother could fully approve of? 

Sologamy is a great phrase

[Ad Meliora]

Sologamy is a real thing, I mean as much as it can be.  If you look on the internet the most common images are of the spurned bride who is dressed in a white wedding dress, has a cake by her side with a bride and groom on top.  Only thing is the groom is upside down with his head stuffed into the cake!  It's often portrayed as something for the dumped, left at the alter types, etc... I don't see it that way at all.

I see it as truly committing to love yourself, to stand by yourself in sickness and health, rich or poor...you get the point.  Not abandon yourself and your values to become someone else, or worse, someone else's doormat/plaything.

If you love yourself, then you can have love to share that is meaningful to that other person if you decide to have a "side chick" as a sologamist.  I'm not sure how that works, but there is a lot less arguing if you only have one person to deal with.  Wedding plans should be a snap and you only have to invite half the guests!     Convo goes like this:

"I'm thinking food truck after the reception, what do you think honey?"
 "I agree maybe have two for those finicky friends.  Maybe you should make your signature gin cocktail as the drink."
 "I love how you think, I want to be with you the rest of my life!"   

[SinisterComplex]

I really think that I have to start dating myself, and committing to doing some big or satisfying projects that boost my confidence and security in the world, rather than dating anybody individually.

Poppy, I have given this exact advice and used pretty much the same exact line too many times to count. I have used the date yourself line many times here on this board helping others the past couple years. LOL.Hey if you date yourself heaven forbid you might find out you really like yourself and that hey you are actually really awesome and super cool person 

Be happy with YOU first. Do not seek out relationships. Do not chase. Let things happen organically and let it all come to you. Like I tell many people I help...build your confidence and security in yourself first and when you feel comfortable put yourself into positions to where positive outcomes can take place and then just let the universe do its thing. Want Better, Expect Better, Do Better!

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[ILMBPDC]

1)  Think you are ready to start dating (seriously or casually it doesn't matter)?

I thought maybe I could do it but I discovered I am nowhere near ready after a couple casual dates with a guy who is perfectly nice...I'm just not at all in a place to go there.

2)  How long have you been split from your BPDex?

 Actual breakup was early Feb but he strung me along for almost 6 months ...it will be 10 weeks tomorrow since final discard

3)  How long were you in a relationship with your BPDex?

9 months of talking/flirting/love bombing during covid lockdown, 6 weeks of seeing each other, 6 months of being strung along after that.

4)  Other thoughts/comments on what makes you ready or not ready to date?

For me its not only about my BPD ex, I have a 2 year relationship with a psychopathic con man that ended in 2011 that I never dealt with. Mr. BPD was the first guy I felt comfortable enough to date since Mr. Conman... yeah, I know how to pick them. Anyway after the first discard, I realized I had a lot of unresolved issues from my past... I actually ended up being diagnosed with PTSD. So, while I feel like I am making progress with healing from Mr. BPD, I know it will likely be a long time before I am truly ready. And honestly it sucks, I wasted 10 years waiting to find someone I could trust and I ended up worse off. Or maybe the universe sent me Mr. BPD so I would finally address my issues.  I think I will go with that.

I may likely be single forever. It sounds fatalistic maybe but I honestly I am just done trying (that could be the depression talking :shrug:)  I know I need to take the time to heal and be right with myself before I let anyone else in.

[ILMBPDC]

Secondly, and maybe someone has feedback, I'm 48 and part of me is terrified I won't find that life partner, even though I am really okay being by myself.  My exBPD really messed me up about what normal relationships are because now I feel like you have find that someone that matches your every interest, but I realize that was just her mirroring. She says her and new guy have so much in common too. Again, "because I am getting old" is a bad reason to start.

I don't really have any feedback fo you, just that I understand at least a little bit

I turn 47 at the end of October and this is one of my biggest issues - I am truly scares I will die alone...that somehow I am "running out of time" to find someone.  Now, I actually think part of this, for me, is having our youth-centric culture pounded into my head my whole life. Somewhere I know I feel like my age makes me unworthy of love and rationally I know that is BS but the fear is still there. Not to mention I have never been married, and apparently that is a red flag for women in their 40s.
Also the whole mirroring thing messed me up too!  We seemed so compatible - we had so much in common - I have never felt that with anyone else and I finally felt...like I belonged, I guess. And I feel that loss more than anything, if I am being honest.

I recently bought and started working on a journal/workbook called "Single is your Superpower" (by Case Kenny if anyone is interested) that addresses things like your "Why's" for dating and self love/being the person you are looking for.  It's actually a really great workbook and has helped me clarify a lot of things I hadn't even thought of.  I'm still not ready to date but I think when I am I should at least have more clarity on my reasons for dating and if that person fits my goals. 
[Be warned: Case Kenny is a 33ish year old millennial and talks like it...but he has some fantastic insights  ]

[Ad Meliora]

Not to mention I have never been married, and apparently that is a red flag for women in their 40s.

ILM, You've mentioned this a couple of times and maybe I can help answer this a bit.  I'll do a little convo/role play here as an example.  Imagine we're having a coffee date.  Once you get over my good looks and magnanimous personality you will come to see my greatest strength--my humility (haha)  . 

Me:  "So have you ever been married?"
You:  "No..."
Me thinking:  '...ok, potential  '
You:"...But I was in a 10 year committed relationship."
Me:  "Oh, that counts."

The red flag is about unstable relationships, because it could mean a PD.  Now we could go on to talk more about that relationship after you give me your bank accounts, SSN#, and key to that safe deposit box.  I'll Zoom you from the Lesser Antilles--sound good? (That's a joke, because you've explained your last r/s)

Contrast the above conversation with the one below which would be if I was meeting my friend's ex-wife for coffee.

Me:  "So have you ever been married?"
Her:  "Married and divorced 3 times.  The last time I married a doctor, because I thought I wanted to be a doctor's wife.  I convinced him to buy a large 'forever home' which I was in only a few years.  We had some problems and spent the last 5 years in couples counseling in which the therapist told my husband I had BPD traits..."
Me: "Waiter!...Check please."

So ILM I ask you, is it the amount of times a person has been married that makes a relationship work after 40?  Comparing your situation to mine, you've had two men/dates in your life in the last 14 months and I've had none.  That's 200% more!  I'm feeling (mostly) fine about it.  I guess it just depends on the yardstick you use to measure success and security regarding relationships.

[ILMBPDC]

So ILM I ask you, is it the amount of times a person has been married that makes a relationship work after 40?  Comparing your situation to mine, you've had two men/dates in your life in the last 14 months and I've had none.  That's 200% more!  I'm feeling (mostly) fine about it.  I guess it just depends on the yardstick you use to measure success and security regarding relationships.

No, from my perspective, I'd rather be with someone never married than someone who has been married 3+ times.

I never even knew that being an unmarried woman in your 40s was a red flag for many men until a year or so ago. Of course now that I know, it truly worries me.
My longest relationship was 6 years in my 20s that resulted in my daughter (and he cheated on me repeatedly) ... I had a 2 year relationship with a con man ... and beyond that, I don't think I've ever made it past 6 months. Plus I spent nearly 10 years completely single between conman and BPD.  And I wouldn't go around telling you any of this on a coffee date     
If asked I'd probably just say my daughter's dad was my longest relationship at leave it at that... Funny story, Mr BPD kept referring to my daughter's dad as my ex-husband, I repeatedly told him we never married but its like he couldn't handle that concept so he kept saying ex-husband.   Another funny story - my mom keeps referring to me as a widow (he died when my daughter was 3), even though, once again, we weren't married so by rights I can't claim that - but she hates having to admit I wasn't married (also I think my mom is  covert NPD but that's a whole different story)

From what I understand, a lot of men think that having never been married I am: 1. too picky 2. anti-men  or 3. There's something wrong with me.   I don't know, maybe there is something wrong with me. :shrug:

[ILMBPDC]

From what I understand, a lot of men think that having never been married I am: 1. too picky 2. anti-men  or 3. There's something wrong with me.   I don't know, maybe there is something wrong with me. :shrug:

I realized this sounds bad - I don't think there is anything "wrong" with me, other than probably some codependency and attachment issues, which I am working on.   I also thing maybe the "unmarried over 40" red flag may just be an issue where I live in the upper midwest USA.  And probably the deep south :D

[Ad Meliora]

From what I understand, a lot of men think that having never been married I am: 1. too picky 2. anti-men  or 3. There's something wrong with me.

So, ILM, what about #1 and #2? I already know the answer to #3...
Because you just told me.

[ILMBPDC]

So, ILM, what about #1 and #2? I already know the answer to #3...
Because you just told me.

I'm not picky enough and I'm not anti-men.
I am, however, scared. Its a terrible place to be - to want so badly to have that connection and yet be afraid to get involved with anyone because of past experiences.  Part of it is my lack of self trust/self worth. Part of it is my depression and not wanting to be a burden on someone.  I have a lot of work to do on myself.

Its interesting, looking back on my situation with Mr BPD. I was in the same frame of mind then - afraid to get involved, etc. When we first started talking I held back...for one I didn't think he could be interested in me, partly due to the age difference, for another I wasn't looking to get involved. He spent ages breaking down that wall and once I let him in I got hooked fast - the love bombing filled a piece of me I had neglected for so long and I was so affection starved I didn't stop to question anything.  I realize now I was in a perfect position to fell for someone like him. I also realize that I probably needed him in my life to force me to see that I couldn't stay emotionally locked down forever and that I needed to address my past.  Being with him hurt, but in the grand scheme of things was a minor blip in my list of sucky relationships.

So yeah, I'm not ready to date. At all 

[Ad Meliora]

I'm not picky enough --ILMBPDC

This may be some of my problem too, got me stuck in relationships that weren't quite right but seemed "good enough".  My marriage to my college sweetheart was this.  My BiPDex turned into this, though we had at least 5 good years of the 15.  I thought my BPDex was different, of course, for all the reasons we've discussed here.  They're great at mirroring and becoming blank canvases for us to project onto.  Either way, it's me creating the content there, and I apparently created a masterful work of fiction!    There's all kinds of other magnetic attractions we've gone over, as well, that makes it a powerful concoction.  A relationship that gets under your skin and burns.

[Cromwell]

I dated after about 3/4 months it was good experience, it started to remind me of the normalacy of woman that id started to forget had once existed. after 3 years with bpd ex it had warped my paradigm to accept the dysfunction as something normal. Since then the more dating and friendships the more healing and the more "wrong" the relationship is to the point where it validates the rejection and I know more that id done the right thing, difficult as it was to do so.

ignore the rabble from the cheap seats and above all, do your own thing. you only have one life why waste it falling victim to the stigma cast by others as referenced by Erving Goffman in Stigma: Notes on the Management of Spoiled Identity.

[ILMBPDC]

This may be some of my problem too, got me stuck in relationships that weren't quite right but seemed "good enough". 

Yes... for me I know some of it is low self esteem and low self worth - somewhere deep down I feel like I'll never find anyone else. I try to look at myself from the outside and seem to have a great life from other people's perspective and I should be proud of myself and have a ton of self worth but somewhere deep down, the constant rejection - starting in childhood - has caused me to just take what I can get. I can't continue on that path anymore.

[Ad Meliora]

Thanks Cromwell for sharing your experience with dating. It's a good thought to think there is some hope for "normalcy" in dating after a break-up with a BPDex.  That there can be some good experiences even 3-4 months out.  I can see that especially in taking it slow and maybe looking for more casual/friendly relationships versus trying to find "the one" or soulmate like our BPDexs seemed to be.

Yes... for me I know some of it is low self esteem and low self worth - somewhere deep down I feel like I'll never find anyone else. I try to look at myself from the outside and seem to have a great life from other people's perspective and I should be proud of myself---ILM

ILM, I think your observation here is very astute and can really only help you moving forward.  I suppose it's one thing to know it and another to apply it.  Reminds me of Dan Millman's book "The way of the Peaceful Warrior" the mentor character explains to his protege the difference between knowledge and wisdom (he's working in an auto garage):  "Knowledge is knowing how to clean a windshield...Wisdom is doing it."

From the outside you seem fine to me--don't we all    Your a mother who has handled many a crisis and who raised a child with BPD.  You're dealing with things with your own mother and manage to hold down full-time work too!  Pretty good,  I'd say.  I could go on here, but you get the point.  Seems to me that by talking about it here, and being brave enough to share it helps get some of those self-esteem issues out of the way.  Out into the inter-nets and out of the back of your mind, weighing you down.

We deserve better, ILM, we all do.  Maybe we do need to be a little more picky.  Maybe you can find someone who is okay starting at year 5?  Although, skipping steps is also what got some of us in trouble with our BPD exes.

Mine, MsBPD, was an analyst and worked in logistics. I think she was great with data and numbers and objects.  When it came to people, not so good--especially romantic partners.  Actually, absolutely terrible and the supreme worst.

[SinisterComplex]

I'm not picky enough and I'm not anti-men.
I am, however, scared. Its a terrible place to be - to want so badly to have that connection and yet be afraid to get involved with anyone because of past experiences.  Part of it is my lack of self trust/self worth. Part of it is my depression and not wanting to be a burden on someone.  I have a lot of work to do on myself.

Its interesting, looking back on my situation with Mr BPD. I was in the same frame of mind then - afraid to get involved, etc. When we first started talking I held back...for one I didn't think he could be interested in me, partly due to the age difference, for another I wasn't looking to get involved. He spent ages breaking down that wall and once I let him in I got hooked fast - the love bombing filled a piece of me I had neglected for so long and I was so affection starved I didn't stop to question anything.  I realize now I was in a perfect position to fell for someone like him. I also realize that I probably needed him in my life to force me to see that I couldn't stay emotionally locked down forever and that I needed to address my past.  Being with him hurt, but in the grand scheme of things was a minor blip in my list of sucky relationships.

So yeah, I'm not ready to date. At all 

So what I hope for you is that you can get to a place where you can fortify yourself to where that void is filled by yourself internally. It will take time, but when you can build yourself from inside out you will naturally put out a strong confidence that sends out the signals that people who are disordered will steer clear of you. Think of your situation as a karmic relationship. There was a lesson or lessons to be learned from the relationship. While it didn't go as you would have liked and you have emotional hurt and pain to deal with from it perhaps there is the silver lining that is served its purpose and will be a catalyst to help make you better and stronger for any potential future relationship if you so choose to enter into one. However, focus on getting yourself to a place where you are happy with YOU and you are not allowing someone else to dictate your self-worth or happiness.

BTW...do not sell yourself short ever. Age is just a number. Keep your head up. You are going to be just fine and you will find happiness.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[Dad50]

ILM,
   One thing I have been learning from my therapist is that BPD folks are trying to fill a void with us. That is why they pick caretakers. Almost like a genetically engineered shark evolved to sense empathy from others. I can tell you are an empathetic, caring person just by the way you respond to folks here and help them, myself included.

   Anyway, it might seem like a paradox, but it probably is a good sign you aren't trying to artificially fill your void with other people. By filling the void yourself you will actually be ready for someone else.   It seems like that is the type of partner, a truly healthy partner, would want.

[ILMBPDC]

ILM, I think your observation here is very astute and can really only help you moving forward. 

You sound like my therapist

I suppose it's one thing to know it and another to apply it. 

Yes this is my worry - I know a lot but applying it is the hard part.  And you can't really practice the application without trying to date, in this case.  I am hoping that once I am in a better place that I will be more confident in drawing boundaries but only time will tell.

From the outside you seem fine to me--don't we all    Your a mother who has handled many a crisis and who raised a child with BPD.  You're dealing with things with your own mother and manage to hold down full-time work too!  Pretty good,  I'd say.  I could go on here, but you get the point.  Seems to me that by talking about it here, and being brave enough to share it helps get some of those self-esteem issues out of the way.  Out into the inter-nets and out of the back of your mind, weighing you down.

You forgot I'm also working on my masters degree   Seriously though I have a lot going on and I'm struggling with depression again... I'm trying really hard to be gentle and compassionate with myself (now I sound like my therapist) I do feel like talking about it with strangers on the net helps me work through things a LOT, helps me process stuff. And this forum has been amazing in helping me realize a lot of things.

We deserve better, ILM, we all do.  Maybe we do need to be a little more picky.  Maybe you can find someone who is okay starting at year 5?  Although, skipping steps is also what got some of us in trouble with our BPD exes.

I think a lot of people need to be more picky - I get that when you first meet someone they seem great (even more so when they are love bombing you!) but often that wears off and if things stat to change too many people (me included) figure "well its not that bad, I've but in a lot of time, etc." and just...stay.

As for the starting at year 5, as much as I'd just love to be in that comfortable place it someone, I do recognize that isn't going to happen - no matter who it is, I still have to get to know them and figure out compatibility. Sigh. Its soo muuuchhhh woorrrkkkk 

Mine, MsBPD, was an analyst and worked in logistics. I think she was great with data and numbers and objects.  When it came to people, not so good--especially romantic partners.  Actually, absolutely terrible and the supreme worst.

Too funny, both me and Mr BPD work in analytics. Actually he is really good with people, really charming...until you get too close and see the inner turmoil. Its part of why its so hard for me, he is a good conversationalist, smart, friendly... exactly the type of person I want in my life. The biggest issue is that he has such a changing sense of self that he doesn't know who he is, doesn't know what he wants (outside of work...he's really quite successful there) and has that whole issue of painting people black way too fast.  I just have to keep reminding myself that is NOT they type of energy I want or need in my life and that overrules the good stuff.

[ILMBPDC]

So what I hope for you is that you can get to a place where you can fortify yourself to where that void is filled by yourself internally. It will take time, but when you can build yourself from inside out you will naturally put out a strong confidence that sends out the signals that people who are disordered will steer clear of you.

Yes, absolutely, I agree. I was supposed to attend a retreat last month that was basically about this whole thing - self love and how your energy attracts people...but my daughter broke her leg and had to have surgery the day I was to leave...so that's being rescheduled. most likely early 2022. I'm looking forward to it.

However, focus on getting yourself to a place where you are happy with YOU and you are not allowing someone else to dictate your self-worth or happiness.

BTW...do not sell yourself short ever. Age is just a number. Keep your head up. You are going to be just fine and you will find happiness.

Thank you...This is absolutely what I need to get through my head. This is one of those things I know, but I have had zero self esteem/self worth for so many years its a very hard thing to change.  But I am trying.

[ILMBPDC]

ILM,
   One thing I have been learning from my therapist is that BPD folks are trying to fill a void with us. That is why they pick caretakers. Almost like a genetically engineered shark evolved to sense empathy from others. I can tell you are an empathetic, caring person just by the way you respond to folks here and help them, myself included.

I worried a little about this when we were first talking - a lot of guys who like older women are looking for a mother. I remember one time asking him if I was mothing him (I don't remember the context but it was something that made me think I might have been doing that). He said No.  But, you know what, I think, his mother issues are likely a big part of it. He told me his mom is BPD as well, and his father abandoned him as a baby (of course if his mom is BPD then he was probably leaving her). He definitely had abandonment issues form his dad, it was mentioned a decent amount. But if his mom is truly BPD, then he would also have a lot of those issues from her push and pull.  So it wouldn't surprise me in the least if that is the basis for his attraction (granted he doesn't exclusively date older women, but me, his ex wife and the woman he dated right before me are all 40+... he is 33)

   Anyway, it might seem like a paradox, but it probably is a good sign you aren't trying to artificially fill your void with other people. By filling the void yourself you will actually be ready for someone else.   It seems like that is the type of partner, a truly healthy partner, would want.

Yeah that's the idea - learn to love myself before adding another person to the mix.
I will be very honest - I worry how long its going to take or if I will ever get there - I have many, many years of trauma to deal with, starting from a neglectful, abusive childhood which is a huge piece of how I ended up in toxic relationships my whole life and why I struggle with self worth. I honestly don't know if I will ever be fully healed, they say a lot of the sh*t from childhood ends up ingrained and is one of the hardest things to overcome.  But I'm still trying.

[SinisterComplex]

Yes, absolutely, I agree. I was supposed to attend a retreat last month that was basically about this whole thing - self love and how your energy attracts people...but my daughter broke her leg and had to have surgery the day I was to leave...so that's being rescheduled. most likely early 2022. I'm looking forward to it.
Thank you...This is absolutely what I need to get through my head. This is one of those things I know, but I have had zero self esteem/self worth for so many years its a very hard thing to change.  But I am trying.

Hey IL it's all good. Here is the bad news...you can't do jack S ! about your life up to now. Why? It has already happened. The good news...you are in complete control over how you approach your life from this day forward. Step by step. Day by day. Brick by brick. Make a little progress...no matter how trivial it may feel or seem when all is said and done you will put together a masterpiece the right way...slow and steady. Rome wasn't built in a day. So, work toward building your empire now...from the inside out.

Sorry to hear about your daughter's leg...yeah that sucks. Perhaps in a odd twist of fate the rescheduling will work in your favor. You will be more clear headed by then and perhaps be better prepared to take in the experience for all its worth.

I am not going to give you a hard time. One thing I want to point out though...I provide tough love in the form of phrases like be like NIKE and Just Do It for a reason. It isn't to be dismissive or invalidating. No, my purpose is that I understand the struggle and I understand the self-doubt and the thoughts that can keep you in a holding pattern. So, I propose to you to little by little try replace the i'm trying responses with hey I got this and it will be done. Essentially, use the most powerful weapon you have to work for you in your favor...the human mind and power of will. 

Don't be afraid to succeed. And your age while you look at it as a negative how about we flip the script and we look at it as a positive? Experience, more wisdom. More knowledge to make the world around you more fun. And the added benefit...less BS  and drama. My whole point to all of this...get on board with me here and focus on what you have going FOR YOU and what YOU CAN DO.

I am under no false impressions here...it won't happen over night. I just hope that perhaps maybe a little bit of my perspective helps you along the way. I wish the best for you regardless. You can do it and you got this!

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[Cromwell]

Thanks Cromwell for sharing your experience with dating. It's a good thought to think there is some hope for "normalcy" in dating after a break-up with a BPDex.  That there can be some good experiences even 3-4 months out.  I can see that especially in taking it slow and maybe looking for more casual/friendly relationships versus trying to find "the one" or soulmate like our BPDexs seemed to be.

No worries sharing has been difficult but therapeutic. Ultimately the goal forme was a quieter brain and not to relate everything to my ex and the relationship. There is a tendency to do this and the tendency is an indicator of unresolved hurt from the relationship. In cold gritty reality the women I dated had nothing to do with my ex, they had their own unique personalities. Were they bpd? Who knows it's possible, what matters is not them or a mental disorder its the handling of it from my side. I didn't get emotionally involved during dates, end result no suffering. I got very much emotionally involved with bpd ex, end result alot of emotional pain and upset to fix after. Bpdex was also 'normal' for the first few months dating.

The soul mate fluff in the head is a mechanism for alot of unnecessarily heart ache. Leave it for film and fictional love tales. It is possible to be romantic without being childish minded with associated fairy tale daydreaming and longing for the idealised other that doesn't exist because is subjected to constant ongoing change.

[ILMBPDC]

Hey IL it's all good. Here is the bad news...you can't do jack S ! about your life up to now. Why? It has already happened. The good news...you are in complete control over how you approach your life from this day forward. Step by step. Day by day. Brick by brick. Make a little progress...no matter how trivial it may feel or seem when all is said and done you will put together a masterpiece the right way...slow and steady. Rome wasn't built in a day. So, work toward building your empire now...from the inside out.

Yep, I am aware, I can't change the past. What I am finding though is that by acknowledging my past and dealing with those emotions surrounding it, I am better able to figure out what I need to do to heal from it. I ignored my past issues for 46 years, figuring "its in the past, it doesn't matter anymore" but, you now what? It does. All of the pain, the heartache, the trauma was still there informing my choices and life, whether I wanted them to or not. So now I am facing it so that I can overcome it.

Sorry to hear about your daughter's leg...yeah that sucks. Perhaps in a odd twist of fate the rescheduling will work in your favor. You will be more clear headed by then and perhaps be better prepared to take in the experience for all its worth.

Funny you should say that - the week before I was a little worried about attending the retreat - I had attended on in July at it was extremely emotional and I was worried I was overdoing it, especially with my depression getting so much worse. So, I did take my daughter breaking her leg as a sign I wasn't meant to attend at that time.

I am not going to give you a hard time. One thing I want to point out though...I provide tough love in the form of phrases like be like NIKE and Just Do It for a reason. It isn't to be dismissive or invalidating. No, my purpose is that I understand the struggle and I understand the self-doubt and the thoughts that can keep you in a holding pattern. So, I propose to you to little by little try replace the i'm trying responses with hey I got this and it will be done. Essentially, use the most powerful weapon you have to work for you in your favor...the human mind and power of will. 

In my professional life, I am very much an "I got this" person...its my emotional life where I falter. I have an app that pops up affirmations 4 times a day on my phone and I say them out loud - at some point I  expect they will worm their way into my brain and I will feel better about things again.

Don't be afraid to succeed. And your age while you look at it as a negative how about we flip the script and we look at it as a positive? Experience, more wisdom. More knowledge to make the world around you more fun. And the added benefit...less BS  and drama. My whole point to all of this...get on board with me here and focus on what you have going FOR YOU and what YOU CAN DO.

I'm definitely not afraid to succeed. I have a hard time with how slowly it happens   
Reading this paragraph...I am thankful for so much of that.  I am thankful for how my life has turned out, despite issues in my personal life. I know I have come far ... but with my depression getting so severe again everything is a struggle anymore, its all I can do to just "try". My doctor wants me back on antidepressants and I went through several days of anguish on feeling defeated about that, but today, I am feeling somewhat ok and I know I need to get back to normal, even if it means being back on meds.  I know once I am stabilized I will be so much more confident in my ability to get through this emotional journey.

I am under no false impressions here...it won't happen over night. I just hope that perhaps maybe a little bit of my perspective helps you along the way. I wish the best for you regardless. You can do it and you got this!

Thank you for your support

[Ad Meliora]

but today, I am feeling somewhat ok and I know I need to get back to normal,---ILM

"I'm ok, you're okay".  Wasn't that the title of the book from the '80s?  Ah, the 80's, remember those days ILM?  First crushes, first dates, high school dances (middle school dances) seemingly simple now.  Yeah...the 80's  Metal (music) and Mullets.     Hey, who knows better times could be right around the corner, perhaps it is like Carly Simon said in her song Anticipation--"these are the good old days"?