I’m getting a little better at predicting triggers

[Boogie74]

J often has splitting episodes when she is about to go to sleep, when she feels under pressure to make (ANY) decision and especially before and immediately after she spends any time with her mother.   I’m slowly learning to anticipate these times.   Validation isn’t always an easy route- as she tends to need help in communication.   She will respond in panic about something needing to be done- but seldom gives details about what she wants done.  

“Those candles on the shelf might be knocked down by the cat…”.
“Got it.   Where do you want me to move it to?”  

“Move it away!”  

“I can do that.   Where do you want it?”  

“Don’t be a moron!   Just move it and quit asking stupid questions!”

She also often insists on being the controlling decision maker on many non-important things- where to eat and what to order, buying household items like garbage bags, laundry soap, toilet paper, etc.   She runs out her own clock with most decisions- We have 1 hour to order food and she takes 50-55 minutes to decide and refuses to have it delivered- so I have to disappoint her by telling her that I have no time to pick it up because she ran out the clock on time.

She insists that I have no talent at “finding deals” so she has to be the one to buy tires for my car- yet she takes 3 weeks to research things and read every review and then drops the task afterward.

Giving any feedback is useless- as the logic of “I’m a grown adult that was perfectly able to live alone and survive before we met” is nonsense to her.

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[NonnyMouse]

All sounds very familiar! The panicking. (Oh, no she is great in a crisis!) Making all the decisions. (I haven’t chosen a TV program for years!) And no time-management skills whatsoever.

The worst is when my uBPDw makes plans with the children when she is “up” and then finding “logical” reasons to drop the plans, disappointing the children.

[Boogie74]

Yeah- she will ask me to go to the store to buy something (often food like a sandwich- which isn’t a big deal to me).   She can’t accept “they have Turkey sandwiches and some pre made pasta dishes- spaghetti, ziti and elbow macaroni all with cheese and Meatballs”… she insists that I take panoramic pictures of every shelf (FaceTime is sometimes ok- but I have to SHOW her every item on every one of 4 shelves going a span of 12 feet)…

I imagine that her problem is an insane form of FOMO- where she gets anxiety if she can’t see what options she can pick from. 

I’m trying very hard to be empathetic about this- but I have to admit that I often get extremely frustrated with the lack of simple trust that “They have Turkey sandwiches” is a statement to take on face value and she isn’t missing something better.