Financial Safety Net

[mitten]

People with BPD are notoriously bad with spending and finances.  As my family grows the expenses have also grown and I'm realizing it's more important than ever to make wise financial decisions. 

What are some things you have done to protect your family financially?  One thing I recently did after I saw my wife was spending more than she was saving was stash some cash away in a hidden location for emergencies (furnace breaking, car repairs, etc).  It felt sneaky doing this but I feel like I need some money that only I can control. 

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

Are your finances commingled? Do you have separate personal accounts with a joint account for household expenditures?

[mitten]

We each have the personal bank accounts that we had before we were married.  And then we have a joint bank account as well.  Part of our pay checks go in our personal account, and part goes into our joint account.  However, we each know how much is each others personal account and we pay for household things with all accounts.  For example, I often pay for vacations out of my personal account, as well as everything I buy on Amazon, whether for the household or just for myself. 

[mitten]

Are your finances commingled? Do you have separate personal accounts with a joint account for household expenditures?

What do you recommend Cat?  Any advice from your experience? 

[mitten]

With the new year behind us, did anyone make any financial goals in relation to their partners with BPD?  I'm trying to build up a secret emergency fund in case the furnace breaks, etc.  What are you doing?  Anything the rest of us can learn from?   

[mitten]

I realize that many people posting in the forum are new to discovering BPD and are mostly in crisis aversion mode, and can't think about financials while trying to preventing one major BPD crisis after another.   I'm two years into the realization of my wife having BPD.  And I've just now been able to start thinking about ways to reduce financial risk since most BPD are notoriously bad with money.  Earlier I shared that I was able to gradually stash away small amounts of money as a secret emergency fund.   And just this past month I've been focused on more long term things - our home mortgage and college savings for our kids. 

Mortgage - I was able to refinance to get a lower mortgage rate which will allow us to pay the house off 9 years earlier.  My wife has been talking about expensive home addition projects so I really want to get the house paid down more before we take on additional expenses.   Plus, with the new mortgage we'll be able to pay it off right before our son goes off to college. 

College Savings - my wife wanted to create a trust fund that we would put money in every month so that when our kids are 18 they had money to go to school, start a business etc.  The only problem with this is that when the kids turn 18 they get to choose what they do with the money... they could use it to buy a car, take a vacation etc... rather than use it for needs such as college or continuing education.   In order to reduce risk of this I told my wife I wanted it to go into a 529 account, which can ONLY be used for educational expenses.  She argued a little saying they should be able to do what they want with it (maybe they will be entrepreneurs for example)... but I realized it wasn't bright to hand over a check to an 18 yr and let them decide how to spend it...

Anyway, it's amazing how doing these few things made me feel more in control of the situation with my uBPDw.  Just wanted to share in case anyone was at this stage in their journey and ready to take on a new challenge!

[Cat Familiar]

Good thinking, mitten. 

[waverider]

The only time many pwBPD show any financial acumen is on break up when they will ruthlessly chase down every last cent they can get hold of. Meanwhile the other party typically has a pretty slack, and vulnerable, arrangement as prior to this the pwBPD has shown no interest