STBX PD'd W communicating with kids re: new partner

[EyesUp]

It's been just over two months since my W moved out.

I've been fortunate - we stipulated that I have sole use and occupancy of the marital home, and 50/50 parenting time.  We also agreed that we would not expose the kids to new romantic partners until after the D is final.

We are presently negotiating a final settlement.  Our pre-trial hearing is scheduled for Feb, but if all goes well (big if, of course), we may settle before then.

In the meantime, it's become clear that my STBXW has told the kids about her boyfriend.  Less clear is if they have met him.

It's a violation of the stips, I gather the judge will not care and there's a real chance we won't get that far anyway.

Any suggestions re: how to deal with this, if at all? 

To be clear, I'm delighted that her attention is on someone new, and I can only hope that he's stable and healthy for her in some way.  Optimistic, sure.

I'm more concerned about how she communicates with the kids, what they learn from her behavior, and how to best support them. 

Also interested in what language, if any, to incorporate in the final agreement.

TIA.

[Mutt]

I can relate with your post. I recall posing this question to the court clerks when I was starting the process for custody and access - the courts don’t care if he’s a crack head sleeping in the same house with the kids. My ex uBPDexw had introduced  the kids to her affair partner three weeks  after she moved out which I didn’t like that they were exposed to him so soon because our separation wasn’t even a month but she had a r/s with him for a year or more.

The same pattern of instability with my ex is still there several years later the only thing that I can control is my immediate environment and the temperament  and stability that I provide for my kids in my home. They benefit from it.  If they are exposed to crazy their likely going to grow up that way. It’s not a hill that I would die on from my experience. I’m sorry that this is happening.

[EyesUp]

Thanks, @Mutt

My question is really about how to best support the kids. 

They have been placed in a position in which they are being asked to keep a secret, and effectively being taught to keep relationships secret.

I want my kids to learn to pursue and communicate about relationships in a healthy way. 

At the same time, I don't want to take action that will put them in a middle position or feel compromised in any way. 

I've been doing relatively well, not reacting to the crazy, disengaging, and looking forward - however I feel a bit jammed by this one.  I'm looking for advice or resources re: how to communicate with kids in the context of parenting jiu-jitsu / divorce / disordered parallel parent.

I understand that I cannot control my STBX, and I'm not looking for a legal remedy - I already know that she will ignore it, and that utility is limited.

Thanks again.