I stumbled upon this disorder after after having an episode myself that lead to the end of my relationship and getting into therapy. If you were to speak to me during the last month of my relationship you’d probably think I was the pwBPD..
I certainly felt as if I was splitting on my ex at times, i wanted to break up with her, I used to mute her texts because I was so uncomfortably in love and dependent on her and felt engulfed. I’d distance myself and then come closer. I’d interpret everything happening as a value proposition of my self worth.
I had episodes of sulking. I was hurt by the faces she made sometimes (typical bpd trait). I perceived a love note from her for my promotion as potential abandonment because of how careless it was and I threw the dinner under the bus. Sometimes I’d be upset and act out and wish I could stop but couldn’t. I felt bonkers.
I definitely had severe abandonment anxiety, abandonment was on my mind a lot in the relationship. I pushed her away hard at the end and it felt like I was dying and I wanted her back. I literally felt like “I hate you don’t leave me”.
The relationship felt like an attack on my nervous system.
I think if you spoke to my ex the outcome would point to me meeting bpd criteria just as much as she did.
Despite all of this, I know I’m normally rational, that I can arrive at sensible outcomes to arguments and that I know what’s fair and what isn’t.
If I hadn’t had previous relationships were stable that turned into friendships I’d be convinced I’m BPD.
It’s like a catch 22. I entered her world for the relationship to work. Sacrificed my sanity and boundaries, acted unlike myself and spiraled, experienced the pain of pushing the one I loved away. Then when reality kicked back in I blamed myself for everything because I didn’t act like myself, even though it’s the only way it was possible for the relationship to work. And to top it off they seem to hate you and now you seem like the crazy person when all you wanted was sanity and stability.
It’s like a sick joke, it’s precisely awful. The exact opposite of a good relationship. Your good intentions create equal and opposite suffering in both of you. It’s surreal, things happen that don’t make sense. I literally bought her a huge diamond ring and she told me it lost her a sale at her job
- I remember feeling bad for buying her diamonds from a jeweler she loved.
I can laugh at these things now but at the time it felt like I was dying. So if you’re feeling crazy after your breakup, it’s normal, and it does get better.
