I hope I’m doing ok..

[thankful person]

Hi all,
I am continuing to fight against all the control my wife had over me. It is a struggle and not surprisingly, she seems to hate me for it. This week has been hard. It took three attempts to video call my parents on different days until I finally got through to mum and she was out shopping but got to speak to my older daughter and my wife held up the baby to say hi (I had previously confirmed with my wife that I wouldn’t show her on the video, and she generally is breast feeding the baby).
My wife was angry (upset?) yesterday because I booked in an extra piano lesson for a kid who has his exam coming up, without discussing it with her. I am not only trying to run a good business, but also trying to earn extra cash where I can. Money and my work are always issues of contention. Wife feels we never have any money, and she never gets to spend any money. Despite this she has credit cards and maternity and child benefits and spends what she wants.. I’m struggling to make ends meet. She says I work too much and she never gets to see me. But I’m working less than ever these days. I think these are what we call circular arguments?
So yesterday was hard. Today has been worse, with her keeping on “what are we going to do?” all morning and saying no to everything I suggest. “It all costs money and we haven’t got any”. Free activities are boring apparently. We didn’t even go out at all today, we often take the kids to the park but she got annoyed with me yesterday and said I ruined everything. I did laugh about her talking to me like an employee. I know I shouldn’t laugh.
So I’m trying to remember that all of her feelings are mostly related to firstly, her paranoia that our house buyer is going to pull out, and secondly, the fact that I have been trying to video call my parents and telling her I intend to make it a regular thing.
I have done two other things today which were on the list. I was about to go and get takeaway lunch and pop to the shops, but as wife was telling me the list, I said, “it’s not going to be a five minute shop“ which then made her get really moody and change her mind about wanting the lunch and shopping. And I was ok about saving the money but wound up cos I was all ready to go out, then she didn’t even want to watch our usual tv and I said I needed to get out and went for a walk. When I got back I fixed myself some lunch (she didn’t want anything) and then things continued going round in circles and I announced I was going to play the piano, and that it’s something I want to start doing again. She said it’s not fair and also it’s “her” piano. (I sold mine when we moved here as she announced she didn’t want it in a general living area and I wasn’t sure it could get up into the bedroom). I said, “oh that’s so mean” but then she said, “I didn’t say you couldn’t play the piano”. So I did. And then straight to online lessons without even texting her. I found this hard. Usually I feel I need a lot of strength for my work and it’s hard for me when I’m unhappy about personal matters. I like to try and “make up” before work, but it doesn’t usually happen. But it seems we’re getting on a little bit better since. I texted her a picture saying, “tomorrow we will try again”. And she “loved” it.
I just feel like the walk and piano playing were something I was doing to punish her and I treat it as such, like back in the day when I was angry and I’d say, “fine then I’ll do something you don’t like me doing”. Especially since having kids it has all been about keeping the peace. I now realise that this was unintentionally destructive and not bad for my own emotional well being. Obviously I’d like to be able to do these things without it seeming a punishment for her. She feels we should spend all the time we can together and is hurt if I don’t want to. “Our relationship is falling apart, maybe we should separate for a while?” she said at the time because I said I needed space. But it doesn’t seem she meant it, she hasn’t mentioned it again.
Thank you all for your continued support. I know I’m going on as usual. But all your thoughts and advice are so valuable to me,

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[GaGrl]

Going for a walk and playing the piano are things you do for self-care, for your well-being. You don't have to feel you are doing things she doesn't like you to do -- it's not retaliation, it's step ping away for a short while to take care of yourself.

[Notwendy]

I just feel like the walk and piano playing were something I was doing to punish her and I treat it as such, like back in the day when I was angry and I’d say, “fine then I’ll do something you don’t like me doing”. Especially since having kids it has all been about keeping the peace. I now realise that this was unintentionally destructive and not bad for my own emotional well being. Obviously I’d like to be able to do these things without it seeming a punishment for her.

Let's discuss the Karpman triangle. In my observation ( with BPD mom) the perspective is from victim. There's a big benefit to victim. People don't blame a victim- they are not responsible for what happened. This is a way to avoid shame. Shame feels nihilating to a person with BPD due to their own lack of a constant self image. So victim perspective can feel safer to them.

For conflicts over behavior, even if it's their behavior, they seek a source to blame so they don't look at themselves- so in these situations - whatever you do can be perceived as something against them. You made yourself a sandwich? How dare you!  Schedule a lesson without consulting them? You don't care about their needs.

Your role is to see that this interpretation is not about you or what you did- but their way of perceiving it. You can not change someone else's thinking. On your part, it's important to not join her in her disordered thinking. This makes you the follower of her feelings. Your role is to maintain a stable self sense and a reality check. She can say or feel whatever she wants- that doesn't make it true. But if feelings feel like facts to someone with BPD- it might feel true to her.

You can not fix disordered thinking. You can walk on eggshells. You can tie yourself to the couch so she sees you can't go anywhere or do anything. You can never call your parents or go out without her. It will not change her thinking. It will only destroy your own well being to lose your own sense of self in trying to please her.

Doing things as a "get you back" is playing into the drama. But doing things for your own well being is not. You know the difference- it's your motive- and that doesn't change no matter what she thinks. If you need to look at the shops for you- then it's not a punishment or attempt to make her feel bad.

A favorite Dr. Phil line of mine to a family with a disordered person is "You are all lost in the woods and looking to a disordered person to lead you out".

Use your own compass- your reality- to stay out of the woods.

[mitten]

One thing I'm trying to work on is being more comfortable with conflict.  I'm a peacemaker and a problem solver so I just want everyone to be happy... however, when I ignore my needs and desires I'm not happy.  To me it sounds like you feel similar.  Like you're really afraid to upset her. 

The surprising thing for me is when I set boundaries, or was more assertive and did what I want, it actually calmed my wife or made things better somehow.  So rather than sitting on the couch appeasing your wife,  try being more assertive.  Things like:

You mentioned you don't want to go to the park.  I want to take the kids to the park.  We'd love to have you go but I understand if you don't want to.   (Then go to the park regardless of what she says).  When you come back she might be an entirely different person!

For the piano scenario you could say "I know you don't want me to take on additional lessons, however I want the extra income for our family and I think we can make this work.  I'm going to do the lesson.  I'll be done at 5 pm and then we can have dinner together." 

[Cat Familiar]

Great post from mitten on the benefits of boundaries and being assertive.  

Let’s unpack why this works. I cannot speak from the perspective of being a parent, but I have a bit of experience training animals. Sentient beings tend to react in similar patterns.

I’ve seen many people try to *make friends* with their horses and end up with frightened and aggressive animals. Placating and soothing horses, trying to bribe them, buy their love and loyalty—just doesn’t work. It makes them feel insecure and anxious and that the person they depend upon is weak and untrustworthy.

Being calm, unflappable, reliable, consistent will instill confidence in an anxious horse and they can relax, knowing that a responsible leader is in charge.

Now the metaphor might trigger some people in that I’m comparing horses and people with BPD, but please hear me out.

BPD is a disorder where executive function is not fully functioning. People with BPD doubt their validity and self worth. In a similar way to horses, they look to their partners to be strong and consistent.

If we are unreliable, anxious, self doubting, would that not make our partners question whether we can be trusted?

[mitten]

If we are unreliable, anxious, self doubting, would that not make our partners question whether we can be trusted?

Exactly!  I think back to how silly I must have looked to my uBPDw when I would not be assertive or confident in what I wanted.  I was so indecisive because I was trying not to rock the boat.  No wonder that would trigger her!  I made her anxious because I wasn't in control. 

[thankful person]

Thank you all. It’s all so hard, but I’m trying to find a balance between trying out new things, and not upsetting her too much. This is a stressful time for us anyway with our house sale and potential move and the two little ones. Everything does revolve around the kids and their needs so it’s hard to find time for ourselves as it is, either alone or as a couple.
Not Wendy, I like the doctor Phil quote. The books I’m reading are helping too. Good things are that I have announced to her my intentions, to do more things for me, play piano etc. It’s a start.
Mitten, I have never taken the children anywhere on my own. It’s a massive step. I’m fine with the kids I have worked with them over 20 years. But I’m not sure how it would play out. I do fear her forbidding it, saying, “you’re not taking her, I won’t allow it”. I would not want to physically fight over our poor child.
Cat I understand, in fact in my first year of early childhood work, I had trouble with discipline due to being too friendly towards the children (I guess as a friend rather than adult). I will certainly think about this. I have worked with many autistic people but they are far easier to understand, in my experience.