Taking on the emotions of others…

[thankful person]

I wonder if anyone can help. I have been trying “sitting with the discomfort” of my wife getting upset or angry. I have been trying walking away, getting on with something in another room, continuing as normal, telling her I would like the atmosphere to be calm so I shall go out if she shouts or is hostile. I am feeling more confident in knowing I can make more choices for myself, that if I have an idea and she says, “no” then I can still go ahead. But I’m struggling with this. Honestly I am realising this caretaker thing that I’ve just discovered.. affects every relationship in my life. One of my piano students had an anxiety attack today and was unable to sit his exam. And I just feel so sad about this. He has recently had covid, gcse mock exams, and moved house. And I feel terrible for adding to this stress. But I’m his piano teacher! It’s my job! So I guess I’m also looking for any ideas for detaching from others’ experience and emotions as well as the pwbpd… The past few weeks have particularly worn me down, but I’m always affected by other people like this.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

When I was in grad school, we called what you are describing, being a “psychic sponge”— absorbing others’ emotional states and feeling it in one’s own body.

Now there can be helpful ways to utilize this ability, but left untethered, it is exhausting.

The first step is to be aware, as you are, that you’re doing it.

The next step is to be mindful in the moment if you truly want to do it. It can be a choice.

Know that it is a valuable skill, but one needs to use it wisely.

[babyducks]

So I guess I’m also looking for any ideas for detaching from others’ experience and emotions as well as the pwbpd… The past few weeks have particularly worn me down, but I’m always affected by other people like this.

I think it helps to understand ~why~ you might be overly affected by other people's emotions.    the P I saw for a while always said 'what we can understand we can change'.    now it might be that you are wired that way, to be a highly sensitive person.    or it might be that you were trained as a child to care take the people around you.   or it might be you define your self esteem and self image - by external sources.

but if you have an idea of why you react to others' emotions, you can find ways to put emotional boundaries between you and people.   

we often speak of boundaries as if they are only physical things.    "I will leave the room if you yell at me."    they can also be emotional things - "its not my business to fix XYZ, that's their life and their responsibility.   I am going to let them do their life".

I'm a caretaker myself.   was raised that way from childhood.   its deeply satisfying to me to care for another person - or give someone something.   which is okay as long as I do it in moderation.    and as long as I find other ways to generate feelings of satisfaction.   to try and balance things out.

so my short answer is boundaries.   knowing what is mine and what is not mine.   and self care.   take care of me by figuring out what my needs are, and working to meet them.

[thankful person]

Thank you Cat and Ducks,
I guess I have taken the first step which is to be aware. I think it also doesn’t help that I can’t talk such things through with anyone really, because as you might imagine my wife hates it if I’m worried or upset about anyone other than her. I saw the boy for his lesson today and he’s ok and happy to continue working towards doing the exam next term. It was his mother that wanted him to do it this term. Now I know he’s ok, so I’m ok. A few years ago I had a teenage student who was suffering with depression, self harm, eating disorders. She shared her YouTube page with me and I found her blog from there. You needed a password and she gave it to me. For some time I became obsessed with trying to help her. I only allowed myself to look at her blog shortly before her lesson but it didn’t help. There’s no way it would come to this these days. I used to spend time talking with this student before and after her lesson and there’s no way my wife would be ok with this (I wasn’t with my wife then). But I do recognise that this was not good for my own mental health!
Ducks I’m glad you’re still here helping us even though you’re not in that bpd relationship anymore. I think caretakers are wonderful people, I get that it can be unhealthy if you’re not careful or aware…, but who knew you could find so many amazing caretakers all in one place like on here?

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Broken person,

You've gotten a lot of great responses!

I can very much relate to this topic because I am a caretaker too. It's taken time, but now I am mostly a caretaker by choice, not by obligation. I always have a choice as to whether or not I enter into helping someone else.

When I take some time to pause before I respond, then I find I can much more easily eliminate those that I want to dive into that, in the end, probably would be unhealthy. It helps for me to say to myself, "Do I really want to take on what they're going through and feeling?" 
Or to someone who is asking me, "Let me get back to you on that." That pre planned answer has helped me to take the pause that I don't always want to take.

It sounds like you are dealing a lot with the 'unspoken' taking on of feelings and emotions. For those times, I've learned to recognize the feeling of heaviness and weightiness that pours over me as being a clear indicator that I am in the wrong place and taking on something that I shouldn't be taking on. The awful feelings helped me to identify what I was doing, so that might help you too. Ask yourself if you are feeling heavy or light when you start to take on their emotions?

 
Wools

[thankful person]

Hi Wools, thank you, yes I definitely relate to that heavy feeling. It’s also like some kind of addiction to misery, often the next time I see the person in question, I find they’re not nearly as worried or upset about whatever it was as I am! I’ve also been working on speaking more positively to myself. I recognise that if anyone ever can’t face an exam due to having a panic attack, for whatever reason, that is a sad situation that’s not their fault, but if that ever happened to me then I would be angry with myself. I realise that I am a kind person and I’m trying to speak more kindly to myself. Especially on this journey to communicate better with my bpd wife. I am trying and it’s important to recognise the success I have had recently, despite the errors I’ve made along the way.