Toxic beliefs

[IntoTheWind]

• Seeing a photo of the two of you together and feeling proud that she had a good day that day - you are not their parent
• Feeling like you’ve “failed them” and that it’s “on you” when they overreact to normal relationship struggles 
• Wondering what you could’ve done differently in no win situations you didn’t understand
• Believing that it could’ve somehow gotten better if you loved them right
• Believing that the next partner will get all of the good treatment you wanted
• Believing that they can comprehend the damage they’ve done the same way you do
• Believing that they are “happier without you” from the perspective of a nonPD person. They may be “happy”… “without you”, but it’s not the same
• Believing that you should’ve eroded your boundaries more to keep them happy
• That you are worthless. No. You weren’t worthless at the start were you, you were everything. THEY changed, not you, unless you count being stressed and anxious all the time

I felt every one of these things for months. Now I don’t, the emotions are catching up too. I’m playing to my strengths. You can still have empathy for this person, but I’ve worked towards adjusting it towards a more distant acceptance for a person who’s on a journey who can only fix themself. They aren’t a NonPD on hard times that just needs a pick me up. Untreated, toxic bpd is gnarly.

[Dad50]

Checked off all of those.

I think my last internal battle is the toxicity of resentment. She is with new dude for five months now, and when my thoughts spiral I get depressed because why does she get to be in a happy relationship and I am alone. With each passing day I am able to realize how monstrous she actually was, and the heartache gets less. I am finally free. I am nowhere near alone with family, kids, friends and co-workers who have come out of the woodwork to support me. I am nowhere near alone, but sometimes, when I am by myself, I do feel a bit alone. Then I kind of spiral into sadness. And ashamedly, resentment. Why does the monster just get to be happy?

[IntoTheWind]

Checked off all of those.

I think my last internal battle is the toxicity of resentment.

I’ve been there, it’s normal to feel that way, they have hurt you in profound ways. I blame my ex for far less than I once did, I did begin to pity her for a while but now I’m just sad for her and hope she can do the work she needs to do to be happy because I know that her relationships are going to continue falling apart and she won’t even understand why. My T explained there’s likely been sexual abuse in her past based on some of her behaviours; I have a lot of sympathy for her.

I’ve had conversations with her where she’s shown me that her expression of empathy is seriously different to mine, how she processed information is different. Her impulses don’t let her do what I’d consider is the “right thing”. Only sometimes. I can’t tell if it was real even in those sometimes. Thinking like this moves my anger away from her and let’s me express it at reality for not behaving how I want it to .

If I’d had a longer relationship with her, big commitments like houses, kids, I know it’d be way harder to get to this point, the shock of it would take me a long time to get over. It’s ok for things to take time, just go easy on yourself.

[ILMBPDC]

• Wondering what you could’ve done differently in no win situations you didn’t understand
• Believing that it could’ve somehow gotten better if you loved them right
• Believing that they can comprehend the damage they’ve done the same way you do

I am guilty of these 3. My codependency manifests itself exactly in this way - I don't feel like things are my fault but I do feel like I could some how love him better. That I could heal him- heck I thought we could heal each other from our past traumas, that because we understood each other's childhood neglect and trauma that would somehow heal each other?  Yeah I don't know how I thought that would work. Plus I'm not sure he has the empathy to understand anything but himself, whereas I am ridiculously empathetic.

Funny thing (or not) my mother is exactly the same way. She put up with my dad's alcoholism for decades and when he died she kept saying how she put in all this work and they were finally getting to a good place and she now she will never get to enjoy that. Or something to that effect - in essence that she wanted to enjoy the fruits of her suffering after 25+ years of pain. So, I learned from a young age that if you put up with suffering for long enough you will (should) eventually get rewarded. I am trying to deprogram that from my brain now. Its hard.

As for feeling worthless - I had that way before Mr BPD - I actually once even said to him I didn't think I was good enough for him. I laugh now. That was early on when he seemed so amazing, before he showed me his dark side. Now, I think I was the catch, not him. He's the one who lost out, not me. Its an amazing mindset shift. I am still working on my lifelong self-worth issues (more things to thank mom for) but I feel like I am at least starting to get there.

[Firsttimefather]

“As for feeling worthless - I had that way before Mr BPD - I actually once even said to him I didn't think I was good enough for him. I laugh now. “

I have had this feeling arise. I’m thinking that it was me taking on my partner’s feelings now that I’ve backed up a bit. I love the original posts here on the ‘toxic beliefs’ my codependency has me stopping at certain times thinking I’m forgetting to do something important. What this is is all the ways in my life her life became the focus. It is her schedule I’m grieving: I almost don’t know what I do in my day and life anymore but I also think having that thought is the beginning of moving forward as I seek that in which to fill that space. Back to the gym soon! Thank you everyone. Hang in there!

[Firsttimefather]

“As for feeling worthless - I had that way before Mr BPD - I actually once even said to him I didn't think I was good enough for him. I laugh now. “

I have had this feeling arise. I’m thinking that it was me taking on my partner’s feelings now that I’ve backed up a bit. I love the original posts here on the ‘toxic beliefs’ my codependency has me stopping at certain times thinking I’m forgetting to do something important. What this is is all the ways in my life her life became the focus. It is her schedule I’m grieving: I almost don’t know what I do in my day and life anymore but I also think having that thought is the beginning of moving forward as I seek that in which to fill that space. Back to the gym soon! Thank you everyone. Hang in there!