Sibling issue - I'm new here

[DazedBrothr]

Hello. I found this forum through reading Randi Kreger's book on BPD. I have a sister who...I don't even know where to start. A friend says my sister acts like someone with BPD so I started reading about it to try to understand.

I've learned a lot of terminology that appears to apply to my sister, especially splitting, black and white thinking, raging, and blame shifting. My sister appears to divide people into 2 camps, those who support her unconditionally, whom she's good to, and then anyone who disagrees with her or puts up any kind of boundary to curtail her behavior, whom she intensely attacks.

I used to be in the first camp, then about 10 years ago my sister started approaching my dad about inheritance issues without bringing me into the conversation. So my dad brought me in, saying to my sister and me that he didn't think her proposals aligned to the 50/50 inheritance split set up in his will (I'm the only other sibling). Since then, it's like she moved me to the "other camp" as her enemy. In the last several years I've seen her taking property from my mother (our father is now deceased) - she rages if asked by my mother or me to bring things back, saying that my mother and I are alienating ourselves from her and her family. She proposes inheritance "deals" without disclosing vital information - she says I'm "accusing" her of being dishonest if I ask for the information. She often says I'm "accusing her of cheating me," when those words have never passed through my mouth. She appears to have been saying bad things about me to her children and anyone who will listen for years now. If I bring up any question about what I see or hear going on with the estate, she gets so angry at me and says I'm awful to her.

My mother is elderly and gets easily confused and daunted. Recently, my mother told me that my sister had not paid my mother rent in 6 months and that a similar problem had happened in the year before. When I asked my sister if we could do a rent schedule to help mom keep up with the rent, my sister raged on me that she "can't take me always accusing her of things." I don't live near my sister or mother, and I found out that my sister is arranging for sales of my mother's things without telling me (a third party told me this was happening and my mother confirmed, saying she's afraid to disagree with my sister). When I (very diplomatically) brought this up with my sister, she went off on my elderly mother for "telling me things." My mom sounded so sad and depressed when she told me this. My mother says she's afraid of my sister, not physically but that my sister gets angry with her a lot and will give her the cold shoulder. She's afraid my sister will stop taking her to doctor's appts and helping her in other ways if she doesn't go along with whatever my sister says. I try to be as helpful to my mom as I can long distance. I call her everyday, but there's only so much I can do from far away.

Not sure what I'm expecting from this post, but maybe someone has been in a similar situation? Maybe I'm crazy? I used to be the person my sister came to for support, but in the last several years I seem to have become her arch enemy, according to her. I've been examining myself a lot and I don't think I'm doing anything wrong. All this with my sister makes me feel sad, depressed, and angry. I don't really know what to do other than try some things from the Randi Kreger book on BPD.

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome DazedBrothr, 

I'm so glad you found our site and shared about what has been going on with your sister. It's a sad story that we hear all too often here, and you will get some great thoughts and understanding from some that have gone through/are going through some very similar circumstances. 

Personally I found splitting to be one of the worst behaviors of my uBPDm. It was awful! The way she would put people on the naughty or nice list (as my T would call it) was shocking, and then she'd insist that we as children (and on into our adult lives) join in splitting the same people too. Otherwise we were betraying her and what a tough spot that put us in.

Keep posting, and I know some of our other regular posters will have some great thoughts to share with you.

 
Wools

[Ouch9999]

Hello!

You are NOT crazy! I have a sister with BPD who plays many of the same games you are describing. We used to be very close- in retrospect, too close, without healthy boundaries- but in recent years she has begun to alternate between being verbally and emotionally abusive and falling over herself trying to demonstrate her love (and then accusing me of not loving her as much as she loves me). It has been very difficult to begin to see that what she does and how she treats me is not ok and not how healthy people maintain relationships. She is on the high-functioning side of BPD, which has made it hard to identify what she does as abusive and wrong, but reading through posts here have helped me to see that making me doubt myself is one of her tactics. A couple of concepts that I have found helpful (and that you may have already read about in Randi's book) are fear/obligation/guilt   
https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog and the Karpman Triangle https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

I think one of the most helpful things that someone on this forum said to me, and which I now use as a baseline, is "how would you respond in *fill-in-the-blank-situation* if you were dealing with someone else?" My tipping point was realizing that not one other relationship in my life is fraught with the pain or conflict that this one is. I don't get nauseous seeing that there is a text or voicemail from anyone else in my family, or any of my friends. So it's not me. And by that same argument, I shouldn't have to *walk on eggshells* around her.

Unfortunately, I'm in a similar position with aging parents who are afraid of (and in my case, enable) my sister. It's a rocky road, but I'm grateful to the support and insight that this forum provides. I hope you'll find it as valuable as I have!

[DazedBrothr]

Thank you for your kind responses. It helps to hear from someone who has gone through similar things. I keep thinking that all of this drama and problems could be so easily resolved by a simple conversation where my sister and I just try to understand each other and even look out for each other. But it's like she doesn't know how to do that. Or refuses to do it because if we look at things logically and openly, she won't get her way. I'm so tired of this.

[eaglestar]

I keep thinking that all of this drama and problems could be so easily resolved by a simple conversation where my sister and I just try to understand each other and even look out for each other. But it's like she doesn't know how to do that. Or refuses to do it because if we look at things logically and openly, she won't get her way. I'm so tired of this.

This is exactly how I feel about my mother, who behaves very much like your sister.  Because she is high functioning, intelligent, and easily able to appear composed and rational to the outside world, for years I've thought that if only she could just see how her raging and cold shoulder treatments to my father and I were making us feel, that perhaps she would change.  But it's like she has no self-awareness, no introspective ability at all.  And, like you, I'm so tired of this drama.  I am also new to the forum and don't know what I'm looking for here other than perhaps camaraderie and some helpful tips for dealing with her troublesome behaviors.

[Notwendy]

My BPD mother also sees people as "on her side" and "not on her side". The Karpman triangle helped me to understand my family dynamics better. I think pwBPD ( my mother does) sees themselves as the victim - and so this seems to justify her behaviors to her.

I also think, from observation of her, that because of this victim perspective, she ( and from what I read here, others with BPD) has a skewed sense of fairness and entitlement. My mother is also elderly and a common phrase from her is " I am entitled to seek another opinion" when she doesn't think her doctor is accommodating her well enough ( he's a great doctor ), or gets indignant if someone doesn't do something she asks, immediately.

The money in the family was also skewed. Growing up, we did have our needs met, thankfully my father did support us well, but we were not wealthy. Yet, when it came to my mother's wants, there didn't seem to be a limit. The discrepancy was evident in their elder years. She would shop for designer items. He shopped bargain clothing stores with coupons, generic items at the store.

She also doesn't seem to have an awareness of how her behavior impacts her children. We can visit, be mistreated, then we limit our visits and then we are perceived as the neglectful ones.

One might think your sister is ruthlessly dishonest. I would propose she doesn't see it this way. In her world, where all is unfair to her, she feels that taking the inheritance or money from your mother is what she's entitled to. Trying to reason with this mindset is not possible- because it's how she thinks and sees things and we can't change disordered thinking.

My father had a long illness before he passed away. During this time, I had concerns about how he was being treated at home. I called social services to see what I could do and they told me as long as he was legally competent, I could not intervene. One concern we kids did have was if my mother would mismanage the funds he left her, but the same thing- she is disordered but still legally in charge, and yes, mismanaging it, and we can't do anything about it. We know his concern was for her needs to be met and we want it to be there for her needs.

I know this is a tough situation. It's frustrating to see your sister take advantage of your mother. From my own experience, the only recourse you might have would be to take power of attorney over your mother and control the funds. When she comes to you and says your sister isn't paying rent, and you confront your sister, you are stepping on the Karpman triangle to "rescue" your mother. You then become the persecutor and your sister becomes the victim. If your mother is concerned about this, and legally competent, it's up to her to do something about your sister. This is between them. However, my guess is that your mother is enabling her, and/or afraid to say no. When I would step in to "defend" my father, I went right along with this triangle and it didn't go well. BPD mom would feel like a victim, Dad would step in as her rescuer/enabler.

If your mother willingly lets you be power of attorney- then you can intervene. If she does not though, and she's in sound mind, you won't be able to. My mother is making some poor decisions. We have power of attorney in the event she is not legally capable, but she is and so we can't do anything about that. A line from social services when I called about my father that I have shared on this board is "your parents are legally competent to make their own bad decisions".

I don't know what your legal recourse is if there's a significant inheritance at stake. On our part, this is not a consideration. Our concern is that the funds Dad left are enough for BPD mom's needs. The are, if they are managed conscientiously. However, she also feels like a victim if we try to help with the finances- she doesn't see it that way and so we don't try.

This could also be the same concern with your mother if your sister continues to take her money. It may be that you need to consult with a lawyer or social services to see if you are able to intervene.

[Channing]

I have been through a similar situation with a BPD sibling who preyed on our elderly parent and I would like to offer you some reflections and suggestions. My older BPD sibling (I have two)had always had a very fraught relationship with my father and at one point, he cut her out of his will. Long story short, after he was diagnosed with dementia, she manipulated him into reinstating her and (this was the shocker) also made her his power of attorney and trustee. It was a disaster. She stole his retirement funds, neglected his medical needs and emotionally abused him. She tricked him into giving up all of his rights to his remaining property so she could put him on welfare.

If you start to get the impression that something shady is going on between your sister and a vulnerable elder like your mother, do not ignore your feelings. I wish I had confronted my sister sooner. By the time I did and hired a lawyer to intervene, it was too late.

I think you have correctly identified that something fundamentally changed in your relationship with your sister and it really has nothing to do with you personally. It is the fact that she has come to see you as the sole competition for your family assets. Her accusations of dishonesty and cheating are a huge red flag. She is projecting her own behavior onto you. Her raging at you when you asked for rent payments is an attempt to bully you into submission and deter you from making any further inquiries.

I wish you the best of luck in your very difficult situation. Frankly, you sound like me right before I was forced to face the ugly truth. I was somewhat mystified as to what was going on (there were many creepy signs of abuse and manipulation, like the ones you describe) and I was a bit skeptical that my sister would so deeply betray me and our father. She did. Unfortunately, this is quite common.

[ClaireB75]

I'm in a similar boat but from a different end of things. I have a sister who abused my mother verbally, emotionally, and physically. Myself and my brother are executors on the will, and I am poa with my sister as replacement if I die, which mum only did because she was scared of sisters tantrum if not on there at all. I have cared for mum full time, non-stop for years. Sister has done nothing, but now she feels she has a right to be "added to the will as executor". Mom cannot do this now as she's not competent. Sis feels this is wrong and unfair, and is threatening me with social services court etc. If she does go down this road, she will find she's the one in trouble as she has past encounters with police and social services for attacking our parents, and I have witness statements from family members and friends as to how scared my parents were of of their own daughter. She's raging like I've never seen or known and it is because she's terrified she's not going to get anything from mom and that the house and savings will go on mom's assisted living care. I naively never thought my sister cared about money, and thought despite all her many other faults, she didn't want their things. I now know I was so very wrong. She is raging because she wants the house. She wants their things. I am the only thing in her way, and to be honest, she's that crazy she scares me.

[Goldcrest]

I feel this too with my mum.

I keep thinking that all of this drama and problems could be so easily resolved by a simple conversation where my sister and I just try to understand each other and even look out for each other. But it's like she doesn't know how to do that. Or refuses to do it because if we look at things logically and openly, she won't get her way. I'm so tired of this.

I simply despair that someone would want so much drama and also the stress of trying to keep all the plates spinning with the lies etc. It's like she is a grandmaster at chess.

[karaokequeen]

I feel you all. I have a BPD sister who requires absolute blind loyalty or you are evil and trying to ruin her life. You can't talk about her to friends or other family when trying to process what has happened in your interactions with her, and there's also no talking to her. There is only one way to see things, and it's her way.

My sister is so invested in her victimhood identity that there's no having a two-sided conversation. She's only interested in how you can validate her warped feelings or provide some sort of financial support or other kind of assistance.

I've been dealing with this for about 20 years now and I have to say that unfortunately it doesn't really become easier, you just learn how to disengage sooner, or know when it's time to go no contact for a while or for the foreseeable future.

Have to say, this most recent situation I'm dealing with caught me by surprise. In my experience BPD's know our triggers better than we know theirs and they will wield them like a deadly weapon. My sister baited me by seeming to want to have a real conversation and then turned it around and  interpreted my compassionate statements as admissions of total guilt which she is now using as evidence to say that I deliberately sought to hurt her and in her words "ruin her life and turn her children against her."

I wish this weren't true but after all these years I unfortunately believe that there is no way to have a relationship with an untreated BPD that won't eventually or frequently hurt you.

All this is to say, you are not alone and you are in the right place.