I should have died

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I know that this i should be speaking to a professional about this. However, I need to get this off my chest and  out to someone that I feel can understand. My exwBPD had lost temp custody of her child because she made up some BS story about me being a threat to her and her child so that her ex-husband could watch their child while she went out and escorted for the evening. Unfortunately, the husband took the threat seriously and for understandable reasons although not true mandated that a restraining order be filed for the protection of their daughter and that she not be able to see their daughter until that's obtained and finalized. Unsurprisingly, my ex with BPD took no accountability and immediately blamed me for the loss of custody. She came hostile and vindictive believing that to be the truth. A month after this happened I found out that she resumed escorting and had been in contact with some of her johns that I knew were extremely dangerous. I KNEW that my life was in danger and that she was most likely going to tell those men to harm me as we both knew they had the resources to easily do so. Unfortunately no one believed me not even my lawyer when I said that I was in danger and probably needed my own restraining order. Four days later , while driving home in the evening , I started speeding up to get on the freeway when all of a sudden the car behind me clips the back end of my car sending me into a half spin at 50 mph first into the right shoulder and then eventually into the left before crashing into a tree. Although this crash took no more than a few seconds , I think it's impact of me is greater than Im willing to admit...
 As I my car went speeding into the left lane, I remember thinking that I wasn't going to make it .In that moment , time slowed and I watched myself about to die . I remember thinking getting that "I told you so " feeling right before that life flashing before you eyes experience. I remember that the only thing that I could think of were memories of my exWBPD. I remember thinking how fd up it was that I was about to be killed , that she most likely had something to do with it , and the only thing I could think of was her . I actually tried to tell myself that she won't be the last thing I see in my head before I die  - but she was. ... As my car made impact with the tree in front of me , everything went black.  The next thing I know my eyes are slowly opening as i look at the damage in front of me and realize that I had not died. I immediately started crying my eyes out. I know its b..c. I was still alive and Im pretty sure I was upset that I was . In that moment in between the impact and going dark I had accepted my fate and was sadly happy b.c. I thought I knew that I would no longer have to endure the pain. The pain that my exWBPD had so heartlessly stabbed into me as she destroyed my whole world within a few weeks. Say what you will, but death was more appealing than continuing life feeling so worthless , betrayed , and miserable. Until I came to this board I didn't think anyone could understand that feeling.  It was perplexing me that any human being could be so cruel and cold as she when she cheated on me ,gaslit me, tried to get me arrested , etc all for reasons that  I either didn't deserve or didn't even do . ...I don't know how I can live in a world where I now have to fear there are more people like her out there and can't stop thinking that everyone really is. If she didn't directly tell them to , I know she knows the people responsible for my hit n run but 2 months later were still NC and I keep wondering how the hell she hasnt realized that she was responsible for it or done anything resembling an apology. God help me ...

[samIam85]

I know that this i should be speaking to a professional about this. However, I need to get this off my chest and  out to someone that I feel can understand. My exwBPD had lost temp custody of her child because she made up some BS story about me being a threat to her and her child so that her ex-husband could watch their child while she went out and escorted for the evening. Unfortunately, the husband took the threat seriously and for understandable reasons although not true mandated that a restraining order be filed for the protection of their daughter and that she not be able to see their daughter until that's obtained and finalized. Unsurprisingly, my ex with BPD took no accountability and immediately blamed me for the loss of custody. She came hostile and vindictive believing that to be the truth. A month after this happened I found out that she resumed escorting and had been in contact with some of her johns that I knew were extremely dangerous. I KNEW that my life was in danger and that she was most likely going to tell those men to harm me as we both knew they had the resources to easily do so. Unfortunately no one believed me not even my lawyer when I said that I was in danger and probably needed my own restraining order. Four days later , while driving home in the evening , I started speeding up to get on the freeway when all of a sudden the car behind me clips the back end of my car sending me into a half spin at 50 mph first into the right shoulder and then eventually into the left before crashing into a tree. Although this crash took no more than a few seconds , I think it's impact of me is greater than Im willing to admit...
 As I my car went speeding into the left lane, I remember thinking that I wasn't going to make it .In that moment , time slowed and I watched myself about to die . I remember thinking getting that "I told you so " feeling right before that life flashing before you eyes experience. I remember that the only thing that I could think of were memories of my exWBPD. I remember thinking how fd up it was that I was about to be killed , that she most likely had something to do with it , and the only thing I could think of was her . I actually tried to tell myself that she won't be the last thing I see in my head before I die  - but she was. ... As my car made impact with the tree in front of me , everything went black.  The next thing I know my eyes are slowly opening as i look at the damage in front of me and realize that I had not died. I immediately started crying my eyes out. I know its b..c. I was still alive and Im pretty sure I was upset that I was . In that moment in between the impact and going dark I had accepted my fate and was sadly happy b.c. I thought I knew that I would no longer have to endure the pain. The pain that my exWBPD had so heartlessly stabbed into me as she destroyed my whole world within a few weeks. Say what you will, but death was more appealing than continuing life feeling so worthless , betrayed , and miserable. Until I came to this board I didn't think anyone could understand that feeling.  It was perplexing me that any human being could be so cruel and cold as she when she cheated on me ,gaslit me, tried to get me arrested , etc all for reasons that  I either didn't deserve or didn't even do . ...I don't know how I can live in a world where I now have to fear there are more people like her out there and can't stop thinking that everyone really is. If she didn't directly tell them to , I know she knows the people responsible for my hit n run but 2 months later were still NC and I keep wondering how the hell she hasnt realized that she was responsible for it or done anything resembling an apology. God help me ...

[WhatToDo47]

This is terrifying. Are you okay?

[Ellala]

I don't know how I can live in a world where I now have to fear there are more people like her out there and can't stop thinking that everyone really is.

How incredibly traumatizing. So grateful you are alive.   

It is terrifying to know such cruel people exist in the world.
After an encounter with such a dark person, I struggled to trust anyone… really, I was scared of everyone I met. So I totally understand. 

 

[So many questions]

Do you genuinely believe she had a part in this? If so, you need to seek legal action. If it was 2 months ago, you might not be able to figure it out. But that’s attempted murder.

I can’t lie, I understand your feelings that night so intensely. I sometimes find myself daydreaming about it all ending. Without me doing it. Praying for a freak accident. Leaving my door unlocked at night to welcome an intruder. So I totally understand.

God saved you that night for a reason. Just know that.

We can’t let these people win. We can’t let their power over us have the final say. They don’t care. If we died they might cry, but only to seek comfort in our replacement. They’d victimize our death to only make whoever is attached to them, love them more. They’d call us weak and that they knew it was coming.

And then, as quickly as they left us to be miserable, they’d forget about it.

I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. You’re not alone. I am at the darkest moment of my life. This is rock bottom.

Let’s collectively bare this awful time and lift each other up. We will make it out. We will. We will. We will. And we will be so much better for it.

I know this is a lesson. I needed this to change the trajectory of my life.

[WhatToDo47]

Amen to all of the above. Well said. We were saved for a reason and I know we can all collectively claw our way back from this terrible rock bottom. They don't care about anyone, not even themselves.

You really should inform the police if you have any evidence it was here. This is very dangerous.

My therapist had a good point, my ex has multiple suicide attempts in her past. He said that if she cares so little for her own life that she would be willing to take it, why would I expect her to value my life, my emotions, etc.

Please read up on cases of female partners killing their male partners and/or ex's. I did this when she first left and it scared me straight (at least temporarily). Some examples Jodi Arias, Phil Hartman's wife.

Stay safe everyone. We all understand.