I'm at my breaking point

[HamletsSkull]

Hi. So I desperately need . I'll write the short story first and elaborate after.

TL;DR: My wife is pregnant and has been forced to stop her usual antidepressants. She is currently not in therapy because of bureaucratic issues and she's spiraling fast (suicidal thoughts, self-harm attempts). I am basically her only source of support and I am exhausted. I myself have depression, anxiety, PTSD and fibromyalgia. Every day is hell on Earth and I legitimately do not know how to handle this situation.

Okay, so going into the thick of it now. We are an LGBTQ+ couple (she's a cis lesbian, I'm non-binary assigned female at birth and pansexual) and happily married for over two years. We decided to have a baby and have been attempting via IVF for a while now. If anybody is wondering why we would try to have a baby before dealing with her borderline and my mental health issues and fibromyalgia, it's because she's getting older and we risk infertility if we wait. We are not elligible for fostering or adoption either, so please don't ask why we don't try that in the future instead.

Anyway, she finally got pregnant and had to quit her antidepressants to lower the risk to the baby. It's month 4 of the pregnancy and the entire experience has been nothing but a nightmare. Before getting pregnant, she had just been accepted into a therapy program specific for BPD, but got kicked out when she told them she was expecting because the program can last between 1.5-3 years and they feared she wouldn't be able to attend when the baby was born. They put her in a non-BPD specific, intensive group therapy program instead that lasts nine months. After the first month she got violently sick for weeks (hyperemesis or extreme morning sickness) and was not able to attend therapy twice because of it. So she got kicked out again. They effectively left her all alone while pregnant, with no meds and no therapy. Everything went downhill from there.

Every day is a battle. She'll wake me up early just to tell me how anxious and sad and depressed she is, and will need me to calm her down and reassure her for up to an hour just enough for us to get out of bed. The anxiety continues all morning and she barely talks to me. All I can do is repeat my reassurance and tell her I love her and support her in whatever she needs. She basically stares at the wall all day and cries, and absolutely nothing brings her any joy, so she doesn't even try anymore. She mostly laments how long the day is and how she doesn't know what to fill it with. Almost every day she'll call her mom and end up crying to her. Every day she'll need me to cuddle with her and talk her down for several hours throughout the day, especially since she's begun saying her life is meaningless and she wants to die. Lately I've started taking sharp objects away from her because I've caught her trying to self-harm.

I am at the end of my rope. I've lost all joy and happiness. I live with a person who's basically a zombie but drains my energy and spirit like a dementor. Her parents don't understand mental health so she can't rely much on them, and she's not very close with the rest of her family and doesn't open up to her friends (borderline, amirite). I'm her sole source of support, which sucks because I'm from a different country and I don't have friends or family here for me to ask for help. My parents also don't get it because people in my life don't understand how BPD works as much as I try to explain it.

I've tried talking to her doctor and having him write to the psychological service so she'll get to see ANY therapist, but they only have available a woman who is just a grief counselor AND a priest. If anything, she's making it worse by implying my wife's depressed because she's not trying to enjoy things hard enough. I tried to bring up my concerns with the midwife during an appointment, but she was just alarmed and started talking about group therapy hosted by child protective services, which scared the sh#t out of me. I don't want them to take my baby. I'm trying my effing hardest to keep it together. I wanna be a good parent. I know I can be, even with all the things I struggle with. I am currently in weekly therapy for my PTSD and I get home visits from a physiotherapist and an ergotherapist to help with the fibro twice a week. I train every day. I'm in so much damn pain every waking second and the strain of the situation at home, all the effort I'm making with all the therapy I'm doing and everything is making it way worse, but I am doing it for my baby. And my wife is so depressed and anxious that she has literally not bonded with the baby in the slightest. Sometimes she almost forgets she's even pregnant, and she has told me she kind of resents the baby and she doesn't like to think about it, even though she still wants to have it. When we have ultrasounds and such she's confessed to pretending to be excited so it won't raise alarm with the doctors, but she feels nothing. I don't even know how to handle this.

I feel so alone, I'm so f*cking tired. I'm being a partner, a caretaker, a therapist and a suicide hotline all at once at all times and I can't take it anymore. I don't have anybody who will check on me and how I'm doing mentally and physically. Even my wife has apologized that she barely every checks on me because she's so focused on how poorly she's doing.

Recently her doctor has started her on a low dosis of SSRI antidepressants but honestly they're not doing sh#t. I think she needs proper therapy and I literally do not know who the hell to beg for it. We can't afford private terapists either, because to top it all, currently neither of us is working. She's been on sick leave for over a year while trying to get treatment for her BPD. Now that it's been more than a year, she's getting only 66% of her original salary from the government. And I am not working because every second of my life is pain, exhaustion and suffering, and because I am attending all sorts of therapy and I'm at the doctor all the time. I'm not even getting any kind of benefits from the government because I was a freelancer before I got sick, not "properly employed", so I'm screwed. We are doing horribly economically and that's directly link to her declining mental health as well as mine. I'm hoping I'll be declared disabled soon so I can perceive some sort of economical help, but it's not guaranteed.

I never anticipated things getting this bad when we were planning to conceive. She's struggled before, but this is a whole new level of horror and despair, and it's really taking its toll on me, both mentally and in terms of pain. Especially because I'm mostly house-bound and some days she's the only human being I'll interact with. I don't think anything could have prepared me for the state of things right now. If she at least had a decent support network, I'd be able to put my energy towards running the household and forcing myself to work in whatever capacity I can. But she's taking everything from me. I have absolutely nothing left to give and she still needs and needs and needs and I can't keep going like this.



Any advice, any word of encouragement, ANYTHING AT ALL, is welcome. Please help. I feel like the healthcare system and the government are both being extremely uncaring and there is no help to be found. I just feel like giving up and I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I can't live another 5 months searching my wife for sharp objects. I know probably no one can do absolutely anything to help, but I wanted to at least vent because if I don't put all this into words somehow I feel like I'll go insane. If you got this far, thank you for reading and have a lovely day  

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

I’m so sorry. You are completely overwhelmed and in a desperately difficult situation.   

First things first. You cannot continue along in the same way. You need to support yourself and take some time to renew and refresh. This is very important since you want to be there to support your wife and child.

What can you do to take a break? It doesn’t have to be a big commitment of time, but rather something you can do on a regular basis to take care of yourself.

Also check out the Tools section at the top of this page.

Best,  Cat

[Firsttimefather]

Hi, sorry to hear about your struggles. If you look back on my posts you will see where I dealt with my pwBPD and pregnancy that ended in abortion. Months later I was scolded for not trying harder to stop her and recently she wanted us to try again. Unfortunately a week and a half ago she ‘split’ on me so all hope is withering of any future.
 What I rescale from then was how the hormones of pregnancy mixed with the Bpd traits as well as her inconsistent medication regimen. She thought it was all a conspiracy to trap her. Thought I was pursuing lawyers for a custody battle. Mind you she was in early stages of pregnancy so why would I be speaking to lawyers? Anyway it was very hard and in hindsight wish I left then but didn’t. I was pulled back and we bonded again over dealing with complications from the abortion. I know it’s a hard road with Bpd and I wish you all the love and all the best. I wish I could offer you more. I get solace from being informed and from reading on this site. Even topics that don’t pertain to my situation help me to see what was lying in my future should I continue the relationship. I struggle now as it’s early in the process and despite all my genuine love for this person, it doesn’t really matter to her and I must accept that. What I realize most of all is the struggle between the Bpd and themselves. Nothing you do can actually assist in that struggle actually feels like all that we do to try and improve it seems to enable it. I look back now on all the circles I walked over the last year where I was pushed back on to the fence debating on whether I should stay or go, was I in the right place, will it ever improve maybe after we are pregnant? Married? Maybe when her schedule gets simpler? But in truth it’s one mess to the other. I will say in your situation as well as mine, self care. Right now I’m coming out of a bewildered mess of cigarettes and occasional pot to get to sleep but that stirs up depression. Just previous to the recent ‘split’ I joined a gym, quit smoking and was being super healthy. I will return as this is getting old fast. I recommend something like that though, an escape. When I first joined the gym I would listen to Bpd advice while on the treadmill and it helped a lot. I am a bit sad and miss whom I thought was the love of my life. In ways I wish I could have done ‘better’somehow to make it all’better’ but it would only have lasted as long as the next upset. Be prepared, be informed and keep faith. You have a lot to look forward to with this child coming. Sorry the path is looking as it is.

[thankful person]

Hi Hamlet, welcome, this is an amazing community of the most kind and supportive people. I am not great for advice just yet as I’m quite new here. But just wanted to say, I’ve been with my wife for seven years. We have been through some very dark times with her self harm, eating disorder, both of us feeling suicidal, me having cancer, unemployment and financial hardship… We have two ivf conceived children aged two years, and seven months. My wife is the biological mother, she struggled with the ivf and pregnancy hormones, she struggled with breast feeding, she had post natal depression, our littlest was very sick and in nicu for two weeks.
I wish I could help you find your way. Others may have more concrete advice. I just wanted to say, things have got better for us and I believe that they can for you too. It is certainly helping me being on here, I have learnt so much and I can’t speak highly enough of these people on the forum. I wish you all the best and I’m thinking of you.

[babyducks]

welcome to the website HamletsSkull.

You describe a very difficult situation with a lot of moving parts.   Each one of the issues you mention are large and complex by themselves and you have more than one going one.   It will take some time to dig in and unravel some of this.   There is no single quick fix and no single post that will solve everything.

Still this website can help support you as you work to better things.    This is a strong community of people who have lived or are living with partners with BPD.   We understand the emotional toll it takes to live with and care for a person in a mental health crisis.  the quickest place to start is at the very top of this message board.   There is a pinned thread there called LESSONS.   Inside LESSONS are links that will take you all over this site.   

I'm going to give you a link from inside the LESSONS area:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=87006.0

the link talks about Objectifying like this:

We all know neediness is at the core of BPD and I think it has much to do with how people with BPD look at the world and at people. Distrust of others' motives (especially if the person with BPD was sexually abused) lends a coloring to all personal interactions: fear is a self-centered emotion, a defense mechanism. So if someone with BPD is driven by a deep and intense need to be loved while at the same time fearing the object of that love will go away or will hurt him/her, then it's easy to see that s/he will tend to view another AS an object, if that makes any sense.

Neediness and fear are all about what is happening to the person, and they leave little room for empathy or even awareness of anyone else's needs

I am basically her only source of support and I am exhausted.

I understand.    There are lots of reasons for you to be exhausted.  Cat Familiar makes a good suggestion.    Do something, literally anything to renew and refresh today.    start small.   one small thing.   make an extra cup of tea.    linger in the shower.   spend an extra 15 minutes resting.   the point is to work to combat the stress you are living with.    obviously, an extra cup of tea or another 15 minutes by itself won't make a difference, the idea is to slowly start to change the pattern of over doing,  and over being.    no engine can run at 100mph all the time.   right now, your wife has an extreme level of neediness going on.   that is horribly draining.   right now, you are functioning as an object providing support 100% of the time and obviously that cannot continue.    it's not cruel or cold to hammer out some time for yourself.    it's not unfeeling or uncaring to take care of your needs first.    what is often suggested here is that we put on our oxygen masks first.    just like the air plane safety lecture says, put on your own oxygen mask and then help the person next to you.

. Lately I've started taking sharp objects away from her because I've caught her trying to self-harm.

self harm is very hard to witness.   has she self harmed in the past?    and how did you cope with that as a couple?   did therapy teach skills and strategies about what to do during these episodes?   what's the worst that can happen if she self harms?   that's not a rhetorical question, I believe it's important to have a good idea.

.
I've tried talking to her doctor and having him write to the psychological service so she'll get to see ANY therapist, but they only have available a woman who is just a grief counselor AND a priest.

hummppffff.   well that stinks.    I wish I could say I was surprised but I am not, sadly.     finding resources that are a good fit is difficult at the best of times and right now - lets just say this isn't the best of times.

.
If anything, she's making it worse by implying my wife's depressed because she's not trying to enjoy things hard enough.

I can hear your frustration.    as I understand what you write, you've tried talking to the doctor and the midwife.    is your wife participating in these conversations at all?

.
When we have ultrasounds and such she's confessed to pretending to be excited so it won't raise alarm with the doctors, but she feels nothing. I don't even know how to handle this.

I am guessing you are discussing this with your own health team correct?   what support or advice are they giving you with regards to managing your own self care?

.
I never anticipated things getting this bad when we were planning to conceive. She's struggled before, but this is a whole new level of horror and despair, and it's really taking its toll on me, both mentally and in terms of pain.

I am sorry that you, your wife and the baby are going through this.   

.
 I know probably no one can do absolutely anything to help, but I wanted to at least vent because if I don't put all this into words somehow I feel like I'll go insane.

while we can't provide direct physical assistance what we might be able to offer is suggestions that help you to redirect your energies into efforts that could be more productive in providing relief.    as is often said, when one is emotionally involved finding solutions and seeing alternatives can be hard.   having many eyes and ears sharing a problem makes it less of a burden.

I'll look for your reply.

'ducks

[HamletsSkull]

I’m so sorry. You are completely overwhelmed and in a desperately difficult situation.   

First things first. You cannot continue along in the same way. You need to support yourself and take some time to renew and refresh. This is very important since you want to be there to support your wife and child.

What can you do to take a break? It doesn’t have to be a big commitment of time, but rather something you can do on a regular basis to take care of yourself.

Also check out the Tools section at the top of this page.

Best,  Cat

Hi, thank you so much for replying. I'm honestly a little emotional (in a good way) about how many people took the time to read and answer my thread. There's little I can do to take a break from the situation. We live together and we are both at home all day since we're not working. I'm trying to take advantage of the time she spends visiting her mom (once every few days) to recharge, but even when she's away, it's hard to deal with the anxiety of thinking things will still be the same the moment she comes back.

I'm trying to be kind to myself, but knowing that you are someone's literal lifeline means you cannot set healthy boundaries in the way you otherwise would. Normally, I would put some emotional distance and make sure I got time for my own mental health, but I'm scared that, since she's got barely anyone else to rely on, she'll spiral and do something stupid and I'll feel like it's my fault. Right now, since I first posted my sister came to visit and she's staying with us for a few days, so at least I don't feel so alone with it. It's helping a little for the time being.

Thank you so much for not judging me for asking for help when I am aware that my wife is struggling more than I am. I feel very selfish complaining when she's the one going through the major episode right now.

[HamletsSkull]

Hi, sorry to hear about your struggles. If you look back on my posts you will see where I dealt with my pwBPD and pregnancy that ended in abortion. Months later I was scolded for not trying harder to stop her and recently she wanted us to try again. Unfortunately a week and a half ago she ‘split’ on me so all hope is withering of any future.
 What I rescale from then was how the hormones of pregnancy mixed with the Bpd traits as well as her inconsistent medication regimen. She thought it was all a conspiracy to trap her. Thought I was pursuing lawyers for a custody battle. Mind you she was in early stages of pregnancy so why would I be speaking to lawyers? Anyway it was very hard and in hindsight wish I left then but didn’t. I was pulled back and we bonded again over dealing with complications from the abortion. I know it’s a hard road with Bpd and I wish you all the love and all the best. I wish I could offer you more. I get solace from being informed and from reading on this site. Even topics that don’t pertain to my situation help me to see what was lying in my future should I continue the relationship. I struggle now as it’s early in the process and despite all my genuine love for this person, it doesn’t really matter to her and I must accept that. What I realize most of all is the struggle between the Bpd and themselves. Nothing you do can actually assist in that struggle actually feels like all that we do to try and improve it seems to enable it. I look back now on all the circles I walked over the last year where I was pushed back on to the fence debating on whether I should stay or go, was I in the right place, will it ever improve maybe after we are pregnant? Married? Maybe when her schedule gets simpler? But in truth it’s one mess to the other. I will say in your situation as well as mine, self care. Right now I’m coming out of a bewildered mess of cigarettes and occasional pot to get to sleep but that stirs up depression. Just previous to the recent ‘split’ I joined a gym, quit smoking and was being super healthy. I will return as this is getting old fast. I recommend something like that though, an escape. When I first joined the gym I would listen to Bpd advice while on the treadmill and it helped a lot. I am a bit sad and miss whom I thought was the love of my life. In ways I wish I could have done ‘better’somehow to make it all’better’ but it would only have lasted as long as the next upset. Be prepared, be informed and keep faith. You have a lot to look forward to with this child coming. Sorry the path is looking as it is.

Hi Firsttimefather, I'm so sorry to hear your journey as been so difficult. I'm really sorry you guys suffered so much with your pregnancy and subsequent adoption. I had no idea that going through a pregnancy with a BPD person could be so hard and heartbreaking until I found myself in this situation. Implementing self-care when a person needs you so much is very difficult but I agree that it's really necessary. I'm bringing it up every now and then with my therapist, although my therapy right now focuses more on PTSD than anything, so I can't derail it every time to talk about this.

I hope things will work out for you in a way that makes you happy, but thank you for sharing with me. It made me feel less alone.

[babyducks]

Hello HamletsSkull

I'm trying to be kind to myself, but knowing that you are someone's literal lifeline means you cannot set healthy boundaries in the way you otherwise would.

I understand what you are saying here.   and I might understand your thinking.   Still I would encourage you to take a 30 minute break every day.    30 minutes during which the only thing you are doing is relaxing.    if you can't find 30 minutes, try 15 minutes twice a day.

when you tell us you literally cannot take this any longer I believe you.    all of us have 'over functioned' in our relationships.    taken on too much that isn't our responsibility for too long.   as much as your wife is seriously mentally ill, you can't not function for her 100% of the time.  certainly you can help,   certainly you should help.   I am going to encourage you to draw boundaries around damaging yourself in order to help.

how are things today?

'ducks