New Here, Seeking Support. Where do we find help?

[elfafire7]

Hello!

This is my first post. I was so relieved to find a community somewhere for people with someone with BPD in their lives to support each other.

My partner has BPD. I love him with all my heart, and I do not want this relationship to end. There are so many wonderful things about him, and we click very well. But the truth is, dating him is hard. Worth it, but hard.

He needs help, and he has been seeking it. I have been very involved in this process, so I know that he is not lying about looking for therapists and, most recently, partial-inpatient DBT intensives. He is really making an effort, but he just keeps hitting dead end after dead end.

Therapists won't take him because they are afraid to treat BPD. BPD specialists are either too far away, outside of his insurance, or don't have any spots open. Inpatient clinics either don't offer DBT services or are full of accounts of abuse from previous patients.

I'm afraid he's going to give up soon, and I don't know what to do. I can't fix this for him, I am well aware of that. I'm doing my best to support him in ways that I reasonably can, but I cannot make this better.

Everyone keeps telling him he needs help, but where is it? How do we find someone who will actually help him? And how do I keep from losing hope?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Phoenix910]

Hi Elfafire,

Welcome! I’m new as well. I strongly believe my boyfriend has BPD as well. We are fresh into our relationship (going on 3 months) and it’s extremely difficult. But I care about him immensely.

Have you tried psychologytoday.com? And do you think your partner would be open to virtual therapy? I was just browsing the site myself on behalf of my partner and I see you can filter what the therapist specializes in. I’d say check it out and see if it’s suitable.

I’m personally trying to figure out how to recommend my bf go to therapy let alone suggest he might have BPD. I don’t believe his family is aware he possibly have a mental illness and I know he thinks “as a man we don’t express ourselves”. Sigh I’m slowly trying to detach but I care about him so much and he has my heart but boy has these last few months been stressful. I want him to get help even if we’re together or not. Ideally I’d want to be with him but idk.

[elfafire7]

Hi Pheonix!

Thanks for the welcome. We've exhausted PsychologyToday.com's options for him over the past year and a half. He's been in both in-person and virtual therapy on and off for over a year now, but it has been little help. A big part of my frustration is that it too so long for him to WANT help, and now that he is seeking it, no one will help him? It makes me angry.

I had a hard time getting my partner to go to therapy too. For me, persistence paid off. But it isn't worth anything if he doesn't want the help. If your boyfriend is searching for answers as to "why he's like this," suggesting BPD might help. That's what got it on my partner's radar. That being said, I highly recommend getting him to a professional for a proper diagnosis, if you can. I know it's hard. But we can't force them to do anything.

Best of luck to you!

[kells76]

Welcome, elfafire7; glad you found the group.

There's a lot that sounds hopeful about your relationship -- the fact that your partner is actively seeking treatment is a huge plus.

It's beyond frustrating to keep hitting walls with trying to find practitioners. Wondering if you guys have checked out the "NAMI Connection" group:

https://www.nami.org/Support-Education/Support-Groups/NAMI-Connection

It does specify that it's peer-led (like here) versus professional-led, so consider that as you both make decisions.

But the truth is, dating him is hard. Worth it, but hard.

How long have you been together?

What are the 2-3 biggest challenges for you in this relationship?

...

Looking forward to hearing more;

kells76

[elfafire7]

How long have you been together?

What are the 2-3 biggest challenges for you in this relationship?



Hello! Thank you for your suggestion. We'll be sure to check out that support group. And new angles are really appreciated

In answer to your questions, we've been together for almost two and a half years, and were best friends for two years before that.

Challenges:

1) Failure on anything, no matter how small, will likely lead to a breakdown. Enough roadblocks and he will give up completely (which is my fear with therapy). The other biggest challenge is that, while I love spending a lot of time with him, I don't tend to spend as much time as I would like with other friends. 2) Very few of the people in our support system can handle his breakdowns, so I spend a lot of time doing that myself. I am perfectly alright with being his main support, but I do wish I had more time to myself or with my other loved ones.
3) I find it hard to seek the outside support I need, because the most common thing I hear (even from therapists!) when I say, "my partner has BPD," is, "run," which is not at all where I am at with this relationship. That's one of the reasons I am very happy to have found this place.

Thank you for listening!