What do you do when you're sad?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I think a lot of you, like me, have experienced a pwBPD's lack of empathy, and that's a sad thing when it's the person closest to you and you can't really lean on them emotionally.  Even if you know they will try to support you, it's always on their terms, in their way.

I won't go into details now (too emotionally draining to type all these experiences), but say I'm upset about a situation which is not caused by my uBPDh.  He would probably acknowledge that I'm sad, but:

1. would judge "how" sad I am (would compare this to other instances which I should have been sadder, from his judgement), and say I'm blowing things out of proportion, or that this would lead to him complaining that I don't care about other stuff as much as I do for this thing;

2. be annoyed that I show my sadness.  He would express that "he knows I'm sad", but also say since he and the kids did nothing wrong, it is unfair for them to see me looking upset.  Even when I'm trying to go on as normal, obviously I'm looking downcast, and he says I have an attitude problem.

3. he would tell me that he has been supportive, that he has done x and y and z for me, and is that not enough?  He doesn't seem to understand that some things are beyond our control, and despite us doing everything, it can still take a turn that make us sad. 

I feel like he doesn't allow me to have these feelings, that I'm being judged for how I feel and if I try to explain, it always gets worse because it's not like he would suddenly see the light anyway, and it opens up ground for him to judge me on other things (like how I express myself, my priorities - because according to him, my priorities are wrong and that's why I have such "inappropriate" display of sadness).  But what am I to do?  You can't just shove feelings under a rug; they don't go away then come up bigger and stronger to haunt you.

What I do now is that I try to "deal with the feelings" when I'm away from him, say if I need to cry, I hide in my office to cry at lunch, and try to just keep the sadness at bay when I'm back home.  Then at least even if he sees me sad, I'm not as sad because I've emptied my sadness cup a little.  The practice makes life easier for everybody- I get to express myself, he doesn't need to see it.  But are there other ways?  What do you do?

[Chosen]

I think a lot of you, like me, have experienced a pwBPD's lack of empathy, and that's a sad thing when it's the person closest to you and you can't really lean on them emotionally.  Even if you know they will try to support you, it's always on their terms, in their way.

I won't go into details now (too emotionally draining to type all these experiences), but say I'm upset about a situation which is not caused by my uBPDh.  He would probably acknowledge that I'm sad, but:

1. would judge "how" sad I am (would compare this to other instances which I should have been sadder, from his judgement), and say I'm blowing things out of proportion, or that this would lead to him complaining that I don't care about other stuff as much as I do for this thing;

2. be annoyed that I show my sadness.  He would express that "he knows I'm sad", but also say since he and the kids did nothing wrong, it is unfair for them to see me looking upset.  Even when I'm trying to go on as normal, obviously I'm looking downcast, and he says I have an attitude problem.

3. he would tell me that he has been supportive, that he has done x and y and z for me, and is that not enough?  He doesn't seem to understand that some things are beyond our control, and despite us doing everything, it can still take a turn that make us sad. 

I feel like he doesn't allow me to have these feelings, that I'm being judged for how I feel and if I try to explain, it always gets worse because it's not like he would suddenly see the light anyway, and it opens up ground for him to judge me on other things (like how I express myself, my priorities - because according to him, my priorities are wrong and that's why I have such "inappropriate" display of sadness).  But what am I to do?  You can't just shove feelings under a rug; they don't go away then come up bigger and stronger to haunt you.

What I do now is that I try to "deal with the feelings" when I'm away from him, say if I need to cry, I hide in my office to cry at lunch, and try to just keep the sadness at bay when I'm back home.  Then at least even if he sees me sad, I'm not as sad because I've emptied my sadness cup a little.  The practice makes life easier for everybody- I get to express myself, he doesn't need to see it.  But are there other ways?  What do you do?

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rev]

You can't just shove feelings under a rug; they don't go away then come up bigger and stronger to haunt you.

What I do now is that I try to "deal with the feelings" when I'm away from him, say if I need to cry, I hide in my office to cry at lunch, and try to just keep the sadness at bay when I'm back home.  Then at least even if he sees me sad, I'm not as sad because I've emptied my sadness cup a little.  The practice makes life easier for everybody- I get to express myself, he doesn't need to see it.  But are there other ways?  What do you do?

Hi Chosen

So in the world of serendipity, I woke up this morning very sad. My situation is not like yours - I am divorced. And yet it is - because the feelings still linger, just like this morning.  You appear to have more room to maneuver than I did, which actually gives me hope for myself and others for healing, regardless of the situation.

I think that anything that one does to process sadness is fine. I hear you saying that you can't always go to your partner with it - which is sometimes (often?) the case when women approach men with their emotions, never mind being a pwBPD. Some men just can't go there.

The thing that stands out is to claim time for yourself to process your sadness when it surfaces - in the positive sense:  As in "I'm going to do this for me" rather than saying "I need to do this away from him, because he can't handle it".  There's a difference in empowerment.  

Hope that helps.

Hang in there.

Your words belie a tender heart.

Rev

[Cat Familiar]

I think that you have to feel your feelings or else they will erupt in undesirable ways, such as physical problems. It would be nice if our BPD partners could support us in feeling what we are feeling, but they have a deficit in emotional intelligence about handling other people’s emotions. Perhaps at times they can be somewhat compassionate and supportive but as Rev points out, lots of so-called normal people aren’t very good at this either.

What I do is have conversations in my head with *parts* of myself. I enlist the wise and compassionate parts as a sounding board and ask for help and advice, or maybe just to be comforted and loved. It never fails—there’s always a *part* ready to step up whenever I need help and support.

[thankful person]

Hi Chosen,
I feel the same and I have only recently started to try talking to myself more kindly, as Cat said, rather than berating myself continually for getting everything wrong. This is certainly an area of imbalance in my relationship, where the rules are very different for me and my wife (namely, she is allowed to be upset, all day, without giving a reason, and brings the whole family down, while I am not allowed to be upset or expect any sympathy for any reason). My wife wanted to become a Samaritan but once agreed with me that my problems wouldn’t be worthy of their attention. Sadly they wouldn’t have her because of her self harm and mental health history. It’s a shame because I think it would have been good for her.