what would be the advice about protecting a pwbpd from sharing basic information about what happens during the little time we spend apart? I’m torn between wanting to chat to her because that’s in my nature, and wondering whether it is a codependent trait to want to tell her everything that happens when we’re apart, even though I choose not to because of her reactions…
I am wondering about your motivation behind 'protecting' her. What's really going on with that? Who are you protecting and why is always good to understand.
I don't think this is a one size fits all.
If you are protecting yourself by avoiding what you know will be a rage inducing conversation, that could be fine. Depending on the conversation and how often you do it.
If you are protecting her from feeling her own feelings, well,.. I am going to say that's less fine.
Here is my understanding of codependency:
The codependent person feels worthless unless they are needed by — and making drastic sacrifices for — the enabler. The enabler gets satisfaction from getting their every need met by the other person.
A Codependent person feels that their desires and needs are unimportant and will not express them. They may have difficulty recognizing their own feelings or needs at all.
My understanding generally is that we shouldn’t interfere with our loved ones’ experiences of life in order to protect them.
Generally true. you don't want to over function in protecting your wife. you don't want protect her from the consequences of her actions / expressions.
so if you come home from work and say "I had a lot of fun talking with X about Y today." and your wife says “do you find him/her attractive? More attractive than me? Do you want to have sex with them?” I would encourage you to let her experience the consequence of her inappropriate speech. you know loving couples do not talk to each other this way. I would suggest you start to push back against her covert verbal abuse.
what are you saying to her now when she says “do you find him/her attractive? More attractive than me? Do you want to have sex with them?”
… So with me being a chatty person that likes to share my thoughts with others… why am I protecting her from this and at the same time not being true to myself?
By initiating conversations that I suspect will be triggering, is the benefit not that she will eventually learn how to handle such things herself?
I think this is your answer. If you use your best communication skills and best understanding of your wife, why not communicate with her?
Is it possible to avoid triggering her 100% of the time? is it even possible to avoid triggering her 50% of the time?
I think there is a difference between avoiding/evading conflict, managing conflict, participating in conflict, and generating conflict. which do you think you are doing here?