Avoiding normal conversations…

[thankful person]

Hi all, I’m currently re-reading “stop walking on eggshells” because I didn’t quite understand it all the first time. One way I walk on egg shells and caretake my wife is by avoiding conversations that I know will be triggering to her. She complains that we don’t have anything to talk about. Apart from the usual.. children, shopping, bills etc. But I rarely talk about anything in my past before we met, or past times when we were together (even good memories of our time together can be upsetting for her for some reason). My wife is jealous of places I have been to travelling the world etc and would rather I said to people, “no I haven’t been there” if it was somewhere I went before I was with her. I did most of my travelling with my ex and I get that that’s upsetting for her, but I also lived in another country with him for ten years. She doesn’t want our children to know this! She doesn’t like me talking to other people about anything really. But particularly today I started cleaning for a new couple of clients who were really nice. But I avoided telling her that I liked them, or that we had talked about their baby being in nicu (as our baby was) or that the woman is pregnant (my wife is always jealous of anyone who is pregnant). It’s partly because she feels she has no friends and no one to talk to. If she’s in a certain mood (which I can’t predict) then if I say anything positive about a person she will start going on, “do you find him/her attractive? More attractive than me? Do you want to have sex with them?” And I hate this so much that I rarely talk to her about other people who I get along with or have positive interactions with. I have been known to block friends from contacting me because of her jealousy. Which I think is very sad. I love her and I want our relationship to continue. Things have been improving since learning more from you awesome people here. But what would be the advice about protecting a pwbpd from sharing basic information about what happens during the little time we spend apart? I’m torn between wanting to chat to her because that’s in my nature, and wondering whether it is a codependent trait to want to tell her everything that happens when we’re apart, even though I choose not to because of her reactions…

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[bugwaterguy]

That sounds rough.  Thank you for sharing.  I believe I am avoiding conversations too, because of how she will react.

I am trying to see the benefit of initiating conversations that you suspect will be triggering.   

It is caretaking, and reducing your BPD loved one's ability to handle it themselves.

At the same time, I don't think it is wise to expect more from them than they are capable of.

Is there a way to "ease into" conversations you think might be difficult?  Even if I have a soft startup, I know when I approach certain topics, it will set her off.

[thankful person]

I am trying to see the benefit of initiating conversations that you suspect will be triggering.   

It is caretaking, and reducing your BPD loved one's ability to handle it themselves.

At the same time, I don't think it is wise to expect more from them than they are capable of.

Is there a way to "ease into" conversations you think might be difficult?  Even if I have a soft startup, I know when I approach certain topics, it will set her off.

Thanks bug water guy. I’m confused. My understanding generally is that we shouldn’t interfere with our loved ones’ experiences of life in order to protect them. For example I shouldn’t say to my mother, “don’t mention how I used to have lots of fun going out with friends, as it might upset my wife” (Not a real example as my mum wouldn’t say this anyway)… So I’ve understood that we are supposed to be allowing them to have a real (unedited?) experience of life and the things people say… So with me being a chatty person that likes to share my thoughts with others… why am I protecting her from this and at the same time not being true to myself?
By initiating conversations that I suspect will be triggering, is the benefit not that she will eventually learn how to handle such things herself?

[babyducks]

what would be the advice about protecting a pwbpd from sharing basic information about what happens during the little time we spend apart? I’m torn between wanting to chat to her because that’s in my nature, and wondering whether it is a codependent trait to want to tell her everything that happens when we’re apart, even though I choose not to because of her reactions…

I am wondering about your motivation behind 'protecting' her.    What's really going on with that?    Who are you protecting and why is always good to understand.

I don't think this is a one size fits all.

If you are protecting yourself by avoiding what you know will be a rage inducing conversation, that could be fine.    Depending on the conversation and how often you do it.

If you are protecting her from feeling her own feelings, well,.. I am going to say that's less fine.

Here is my understanding of codependency:

The codependent person feels worthless unless they are needed by — and making drastic sacrifices for — the enabler. The enabler gets satisfaction from getting their every need met by the other person.

A Codependent person feels that their desires and needs are unimportant and will not express them. They may have difficulty recognizing their own feelings or needs at all.

My understanding generally is that we shouldn’t interfere with our loved ones’ experiences of life in order to protect them.

Generally true.   you don't want to over function in protecting your wife.     you don't want protect her from the consequences of her actions / expressions.

so if you come home from work and say "I had a lot of fun talking with X about Y today."   and your wife says  “do you find him/her attractive? More attractive than me? Do you want to have sex with them?”    I would encourage you to let her experience the consequence of her inappropriate speech.     you know loving couples do not talk to each other this way.    I would suggest you start to push back against her covert verbal abuse.

what are you saying to her now when she says  “do you find him/her attractive? More attractive than me? Do you want to have sex with them?”

… So with me being a chatty person that likes to share my thoughts with others… why am I protecting her from this and at the same time not being true to myself?
By initiating conversations that I suspect will be triggering, is the benefit not that she will eventually learn how to handle such things herself?

I think this is your answer.    If you use your best communication skills and best understanding of your wife, why not communicate with her?   

Is it possible to avoid triggering her 100% of the time?      is it even possible to avoid triggering her 50% of the time?

I think there is a difference between avoiding/evading conflict,  managing conflict, participating in conflict, and generating conflict.     which do you think you are doing here?