Accused of not being empathetic

[Phoenix123]

As I learn more about BPD and my codependency I realize I need better boundaries. I also am trying to detach emotionally as I used to internalize all his negative emotions. I would be a crying mess.

 Now I am being accused of not having empathy. He wants me to feel what he feels. To look at the situation from his perspective. I can't internalize anymore. It was eating me from the inside out.

Has anyone else experienced this?

E

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[GaGrl]

He isn't differentiating between identifying with what he is feeling vs. feeling his feeling for him. He wants to offload his negative feelings on you, then go his way. And yes, that takes a heavy toll on you.

[Cat Familiar]

This is a common issue and is not healed by becoming more empathetic. Likely most members here err on the side of being too empathetic to their partners and not having enough empathy for themselves.

People with BPD can be a deep well of neediness and no matter how much you try to be empathetic, to help, it is impossible to heal the core wounds they feel. And of course, they’ll blame that on you. When you’re a codependent or a caretaker you shoulder far more blame in a relationship than is equitable.

When I’m accused of not being empathetic, I just say, “Sorry you feel that way.”

I know I’m as empathetic as the average person, probably more so. With those types of accusations, it seems to be the accuser who is not empathetic, not the accused.

[Phoenix123]

I have tried to say I understand you feel that way.  He turns it around as I don't feel that way its the truth, fact.  Then he says I am saying he is wrong by feeling.  Example I said our daughter made you feel X. He responded to me saying that shifted responsibility and was saying it was his fault. Then it goes back to me not being supportive or empathetic.  I guess I should just expect his reasoning to not make sense.

any implication of being wrong or being ignored is a huge trigger.

E

[Couscous]

Are you my SIL by any chance? 

So, what he’s doing is called projective identification, aka emotional hot potato. It’s how he gets rid of his bad feelings.

I think the line, ‘I’m sorry you’re upset’ might be the only response that could work here. It sounds empathic, but it’s also sending him a clear message that you are rejecting his projection. Be prepared for him to escalate his behavior to force you back into your old role. Accusations of selfishness and heartlessness are likely. Consider therapy for yourself.   

Also, a book that helped me the most with this issue specifically is Emotional Blackmail.

[Phoenix123]

Thank you I will look for that book.

[zondolit]

Has anyone else experienced this?

Yes! My husband will say I don't care and I'll respond with "I'm sorry you feel that way" and he'll say "It's not how I FEEL, it's the TRUTH!"

I am trying to let go of my desire for him to see me as caring and my need to defend and explain myself when he says this. This pains me, especially in an intimate relationship. On the other hand, as I let go of this, I feel myself coming back to myself, like a homecoming, and that is exciting.

If I get isolated--not interacting with others outside my marriage enough--then I am more prone to believe him. If my life outside my marriage feels strong, then his accusations come across as oddly, sometimes even laughably, out of sync with how others view me--and how I view myself.

If I try to switch my default to "my husband has this disorder that makes him often view me as [insert accusation-of-the-day-or-hour here]" then I am half expecting an accusation and can respond internally with an "oh, yeah, this again, so boring, so unproductive. I'm going to politely yet firmly remove myself from this conversation and go do something else."

For me a major wake-up moment was when my husband accused our marriage therapist and me of not being supportive. It was absolutely clear to me that the therapist was supportive. It was all in his head. It was all about him and not about the therapist and me.

[Cat Familiar]

One thing that can be helpful is to view a criticism of not being supportive as a projection. How supportive is he being of you?

My guess would be *not very*.

[Chosen]

I am trying to let go of my desire for him to see me as caring and my need to defend and explain myself when he says this. This pains me, especially in an intimate relationship.

Yes, this. 

He uses my selfishness to attack me emotionally a lot of times.  Whatever I do that he doesn't agree with, he would say it's because I always put him last (and I put my family last, our kids last, myself always comes first, etc., you know the drill).  I find that it's a huge trigger for me and I'm working on it.  While I do agree that I probably am not the most selfless of people, I do think that I'm not "worse than the average person".  I have made sacrifices for my family which my friends have said they won't do.  While praise from uBPDh would be nice, I'm not even look for that; just hoping he won't turn it the other way round and call me selfish.  But he does and it gets to me.  So I really do need to learn not to be triggered because the more it gets to me, the more he'll use this to attack me.

Phoenix123, I feel your pain; I suspect we are on the receiving end of similar words.  I do agree with others that he's trying to project his feelings on you.  What I think helps a bit with me not dying on the inside is, to look beyond his words and actually trying to see where he's coming from.  Ok so he's not going to see my point of view, but I can try and see from his point of view.  I try to understand not with my emotions, but trying to really grasp the facts and describe the facts to myself. 

Example: "He is stressed out about x, and he feels like I don't understand his stress, so he is projecting the feelings on me to make me feel the same."

I find that it helps to clear the emotions in my head a bit, and by analysing in almost a clinical way what is happening, I spend less time feeling sorry for myself as well. 

[once removed]

i think we could help with suggestions if you elaborate a bit more on the back and forth.

there are some really important distinctions when it comes to empathy.

empathy is not internalizing someone elses moods, words, feelings, statements.

empathy is not feeling sorry for someone.

"i understand you feel that way" is not an empathy statement.

these are all really common misconceptions about what it means to empathize with someone.

empathy is understanding where someone is coming from and why, no more, no less. its not agreeing with them, and, generally speaking, it isnt a feeling.

most of us overrate our own empathy skills. its easy to do...we understand ourselves best, and we use that to relate to others.

give us a recent back and forth. we can walk you through it.