Don't know where to start

[fisher101]

My wife. For years I've wondered why I couldn't predict her reactions. Why she would get mad for now reason. Why she would sabotage every holiday or special event. Why she thought everyone was out to get her at work. Why would tells me she loves more than anything in the morning the tells me she hates me later that night. Why no matter how cruel she is, she NEVER apologizes.

Then I found this site.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[alterK]

Hello Fisher, good for you, that you found this site! Sounds like you are riding the emotional roller coaster. This can be—to say the least—very tiring. Many of us here have experienced being treated like a noble knight on a white horse in the morning, and then a treacherous devil wielding a fiery pitchfork in the afternoon. My first suggestion would be that you start looking at the sources that that are listed in the “Tools: Book reviews” link on the BPD family home page. This is a big website, and you can choose what seems helpful to you and share whatever you care to. Good luck!

[WhatToDo47]

You’re not alone! I never understood either until I learned about BPD. This site is an excellent resource. I’m no expert but hope me or someone here can help!

[LonelyConfused]

Read the book Stop Walking On Eggshells.  This helped me a lot.  The "roller coaster" that alterK mentioned made and sometimes still makes me feel like I am crazy.  Like maybe the way I have always successfully interacted with others was incorrect.  It's hard when someone is so intrenched in their reality that you think your own reality is incorrect.  Don't fall into this trap.  Hang onto your own reality and do what you need to do to have productive time to support yourself.

[bugwaterguy]

Read the book Stop Walking On Eggshells.  This helped me a lot.  The "roller coaster" that alterK mentioned made and sometimes still makes me feel like I am crazy.  Like maybe the way I have always successfully interacted with others was incorrect.  It's hard when someone is so intrenched in their reality that you think your own reality is incorrect.  Don't fall into this trap.  Hang onto your own reality and do what you need to do to have productive time to support yourself.

Yes - Read Stop Walking On Eggshells.

After you are done with that, there are others that are helpful. 

Stop Walking On Eggshells Workbook
Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder
The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder
Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist

[WhatToDo47]

Read the book Stop Walking On Eggshells.  This helped me a lot.  The "roller coaster" that alterK mentioned made and sometimes still makes me feel like I am crazy.  Like maybe the way I have always successfully interacted with others was incorrect.  It's hard when someone is so intrenched in their reality that you think your own reality is incorrect.  Don't fall into this trap.  Hang onto your own reality and do what you need to do to have productive time to support yourself.

This is very helpful, thank you!

[Rev]

You can find Stop Walking on Eggshells on YouTube.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KxM7TuWfUbE

[thankful person]

Hi Fisher and welcome.. I knew my wife had bpd from the start and she said this was why she had an eating disorder and self harmed and had suicidal tendencies. As she went through dbt therapy and no longer does these things, she considers herself cured. But she still strongly manifests many other bpd behaviours as you described. I felt so alone before I discovered this forum where so many others are going through similar.

[fisher101]

Thanks to everyone for the kind replies. I let this just kind of fall away but I wanted to say thank you. It was a rough Christmas and frankly I was ready to give up the whole thing.

There's a lot I don't think I can ever accept about this whole deal. What makes it harder is that I'm very unemotional which might make me seem uncaring. I know I'm supposed to not blame her, as she can't help certain things, but I believe we are all accountable for our actions even when we sometimes can't control them.

Not sure how to move forward honestly. I've let it go so long that I've become resentful and angry. I just imagine a peaceful life alone sometimes as I'm tired of feeling like a dog that gets kicked over and over. I've started to view her as a horrible person who, while she might claim to feel empathy, is unable to show remorse.

[alterK]

It's very common to feel resentment if you are in a relationship where you have put up with difficult treatment for years. I am, ah, putting it as politely as I can. The two common ways of dealing with it are expressing anger and suppressing it. I'm guessing you have tried the first and have now moved to the second. But neither solves any problems. Is this why you feel stuck?

You have posted in the "Bettering or Reversing" forum. Does that mean you want to move your marriage in a direction you'll find more comfortable and rewarding? If so, you are in the right place there are ways to attempt it. Learning new ways of dealing with your partner isn't especially easy and and it doesn't always work, but almost everyone finds some measure of comfort in feeling they have found things they can do to get a better handle on the situation.

"Stop Walking on Eggshells" (SWOE in these forums) is an excellent place to start, either in print or on line. There are other books in the "Tools" section at the top of the page. Most important: You are not alone! Every single person here has struggled with these same issues, in one form or another. The best thing you can do right now is to keep talking.

[fisher101]

Thanks. I'll admit that I'm on the fence about everything these days. The good times are good, but the bad times are unbearable. I've been sorting through some resources. Sometimes they are a little abstract. I wish there were some more concrete examples of setting boundaries.

I think the hardest part for me is that I feel like the work is all put on me to manage the relationship, that I have to develop methods to deal with this. I feel that that is unfair. What I really want is for her to improve her behavior or move on. Just putting it bluntly. Why it all on me? I think the humane thing for her to do is work on improvement or kindly bow out of the relationship.

[Cat Familiar]

A lot of members are confused about boundaries. Simply put, boundaries are what you are willing to do or not do. Many people hope to change their pwBPD’s behavior through boundaries. Nope. That’s not what they’re about.

It’s this: If you do X, then I will do Y.. Boundaries aren’t meant to be shared verbally, with limited exceptions. Otherwise they sound like ultimatums.

You just figure out what you want or don’t want to do. Then just do it!

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

[fisher101]

Could someone share an example of a boundary? I've read through that page a few times, but it seems abstract to me.

Seems like I'm in for an uphill battle at best. Is it ever reasonable to ask them to change their behavior?

[Cat Familiar]

OK, an example of a boundary. I can see when my husband is starting to go into the dysregulation territory. It’s usually proceeded by a *sob story* in which someone has slighted him, taken advantage of him, ignored him, been unkind to him, betrayed him, etc. In other words, a victimhood rant.

I will listen to his account, but there’s a point when he might start getting ramped up emotionally. In the past, I often suggested alternate explanations for someone else’s behavior, especially people he knows well. That never went over well. “You’re on their side,” was his typical response, and suddenly I was an enemy too.

Now I briefly listen, say something noncommittal such as, “That’s unfortunate,” and excuse myself to do some *pressing task* which I often make up on the spur of the moment.

Without my participation, he calms down much more quickly. Usually after I return from my *task*, he’s in a better mood. Else I invent another thing to do.

[fisher101]

OK, an example of a boundary. I can see when my husband is starting to go into the dysregulation territory. It’s usually proceeded by a *sob story* in which someone has slighted him, taken advantage of him, ignored him, been unkind to him, betrayed him, etc. In other words, a victimhood rant.

I will listen to his account, but there’s a point when he might start getting ramped up emotionally. In the past, I often suggested alternate explanations for someone else’s behavior, especially people he knows well. That never went over well. “You’re on their side,” was his typical response, and suddenly I was an enemy too.

Now I briefly listen, say something noncommittal such as, “That’s unfortunate,” and excuse myself to do some *pressing task* which I often make up on the spur of the moment.

Without my participation, he calms down much more quickly. Usually after I return from my *task*, he’s in a better mood. Else I invent another thing to do.

Thank you for that. I've been there and done that. She's always the victim. I used to over explanations too, with the same result. But its a "no win" as when I excuse myself I'm accused of not caring, which it be honest is kind of true at this point.

I think my problem is going to be is that ultimately I'm seeking behavioral changes that are never going to happen. It does that help that I'm not an emotional person and, I'm ashamed to admit, probably slight more transactional than your average person. As in, If you want me to do "X" you must do "Y", which doesn't play well in this context.

I guess I have to accept I'm not dealing with a fully-functional adult here. And that is a problem as I believe all adults are who their behavior shows they are, and that we are all accountable.

This is why our biggest fights are when she has an episode and I just leave. She will then, as she inevitably will run into some problem she can't solve, come and as for my help even though she just has treated me like dirt. The audacity of it is overwhelming to me. Of course, being slightly transactional, help is denied until a (forced) apology ensues.

[Cat Familiar]

What’s wrong with *not caring*? So what if she accuses you of that. You probably don’t care about whatever inconsequential thing she’s upset about.

Why fight about it? She can have her opinion about you and you can have your opinion about her. No way will either of you convince the other.

It helps when leaving to give a time frame. I’ll be back in 30 minutes (about the time it takes for the amygdala to come back to stasis).

[fisher101]

What’s wrong with *not caring*? So what if she accuses you of that. You probably don’t care about whatever inconsequential thing she’s upset about.

Why fight about it? She can have her opinion about you and you can have your opinion about her. No way will either of you convince the other.

It helps when leaving to give a time frame. I’ll be back in 30 minutes (about the time it takes for the amygdala to come back to stasis).

That's a great question. I'm not sure I know who to answer that to be honest. If she wants to be mad at me I couldn't actually care less other than it gets in the way of life when we have to put everything on hold for hours to days for ever episode. But I know you're right.

The truth is my opinion of her is pretty low these days. The more I learn about BPD the less I consider her a fully functioning adult and the less respect I have for her. For me, right now, I can't separate her from the BPD. To me that is who she is. And I don't know if I can ever get over it.

I'm starting to think my first, and maybe only, boundary is that I'm not really willing to do anything out of the ordinary to accommodate this illness.

Starting to think if I owned a time machine I'd have never gotten myself into this mess and if she ran away tomorrow I probably wouldn't go looking for her.

You might ask why I'm still in the relationship? I don't know, the good times are really good. We do have some good memories together, and I be stuck financially supporting her either way.

Really this Christmas was my breaking point. That's when I found this site.

We hosted Thanksgiving and it actually went great (shocker). She then suggested hosting Christmas dinner as well.

Then the day before she couldn't find her Christmas cards, and that triggered her episode. Accused me of losing them. I didn't, she put them in a closet, and I don't care about stuff like that enough to move them.

Anyway she bulled for 24 hours and on Christmas morning as people were inbound for the holiday she told me everyone needed to find somewhere else to have the dinner, as she didn't want it there. She then told me to call and cancel, which I started to do (I don't know why I gave in) and then when she found out I was doing as asked, she starting wailing like a banshee and even took a swing at me, lost her balance and fell down the stairs.

Then she went and sat in her car for an hour before finally coming back inside, and asking me why I tried to cancel. I told her that she told me to do so and she looked as if she could not remember.

After she calmed down she said "I think your family now knows I'm nuts." I said "yeah they probably do." Then proceeded to enjoy Christmas dinner like nothing happened.

She knows she crossed a line and I told her that basically if she wants me to stick around, then she doesn't get a say in anything I do from now on and I won't participate in this nonsense.

Sorry for the book, but I had to get it out.

[thankful person]

“I'm starting to think my first, and maybe only, boundary is that I'm not really willing to do anything out of the ordinary to accommodate this illness.”
I like this Fisher, I think this is pretty much what I’m aiming for too. As a side-note, I self published a book and edited it myself a few years ago. I learnt to take out the word “really”, as sentences are generally more powerful without it:
“I'm not willing to do anything out of the ordinary to accommodate this illness.”
 In a way it has been somewhat easier because my wife had put upon me many ridiculous rules over the years, so my “boundary setting” has mostly involved breaking these rules. Which I’m rather enjoying. I have always been a rule-breaker so I don’t know why i didn’t try this sooner. Here are a few examples of specific “rules” I have broken. I guess to put it as a boundary, it would be, “I make my own choices and you can’t tell me what to do.” Taking photos of our children was forbidden. I never actually obeyed this, but I did take a lot less than I’d have liked to. Sending children photos to my mother was the first rule I announced I was breaking. I didn’t do this the right way as I hadn’t yet found the forum. The results were catastrophic but we got through it somehow. And as I had made promises to mother, I didn’t turn back on my decision. Recent examples are wearing clothes my wife told me never to wear, and playing the piano, which she told me never to do (it’s not fair that I can the piano and she can’t apparently). All the best. Hopefully you will start feeling better about your marriage when you can make some changes to what you have been putting up with. I completely relate to your Christmas story about uninviting people etc. and then wife changing mind and you looking like the crazy one. It’s happened here enough times.

[Cat Familiar]

Not participating in the nonsense is a good start.  

You sound like someone who operates from logic, while she operates from feelings. We often say here about people with BPD (pwBPD) “Feelings Equal Facts.”

It’s as though they live their lives in an impressionistic art style while we live in a representational one.

No way does logic get through when a pwBPD is immersed in a heightened emotional state.

Take a look at the Tools in the green bar above.

I understand you are not “willing to do anything out of the ordinary to accommodate this illness.” You sound pretty burned out, and it is totally reasonable. I was too, when I first arrived here, and stayed that way for quite a long time.

However, some of these communication skills that are applicable to pwBPD are very useful life skills with everyone. I’ve benefitted greatly from learning them and on the plus side with my BPD husband, we’ve had almost zero arguments in the last few years, even when shutdown and hardly seeing other people during the pandemic.

I encourage you to learn some of these tools to defuse the conflicts. It’s not an overnight fix, but with time, you’ll find that you are much less stressed and that life is a lot more fun.

That said, even if you decide to exit this relationship, these communication tools will serve you well in future relationships.

[fisher101]

Not participating in the nonsense is a good start.  

You sound like someone who operates from logic, while she operates from feelings. We often say here about people with BPD (pwBPD) “Feelings Equal Facts.”

It’s as though they live their lives in an impressionistic art style while we live in a representational one.

No way does logic get through when a pwBPD is immersed in a heightened emotional state.

Take a look at the Tools in the green bar above.

I understand you are not “willing to do anything out of the ordinary to accommodate this illness.” You sound pretty burned out, and it is totally reasonable. I was too, when I first arrived here, and stayed that way for quite a long time.

However, some of these communication skills that are applicable to pwBPD are very useful life skills with everyone. I’ve benefitted greatly from learning them and on the plus side with my BPD husband, we’ve had almost zero arguments in the last few years, even when shutdown and hardly seeing other people during the pandemic.

I encourage you to learn some of these tools to defuse the conflicts. It’s not an overnight fix, but with time, you’ll find that you are much less stressed and that life is a lot more fun.

That said, even if you decide to exit this relationship, these communication tools will serve you well in future relationships.

Thanks. I think that for the most part you are correct. She can be logical...at times in certain contexts. And you're right I'm kind of logical, even cold much of the time. I've even come to know that for me emotions are as much tools as they are feelings. It's like a pick and emotion to fit the situation rather than feeling it genuinely a lot of the time. Not sure sure what this says about  me.

There are certain emotions that I just can't empathize with, loneliness for example. Never been lonely for a minute of my life. I might miss people (even this is rare) and things, but I've never been lonely.

I will continue to review the tools. Some seem great, others a little abstract.

You are right on the burnout thing...I'm in the "take it or leave it" phase. This is who I am and what I have to offer.

[fisher101]

Not participating in the nonsense is a good start.  

You sound like someone who operates from logic, while she operates from feelings. We often say here about people with BPD (pwBPD) “Feelings Equal Facts.”

It’s as though they live their lives in an impressionistic art style while we live in a representational one.

No way does logic get through when a pwBPD is immersed in a heightened emotional state.

Take a look at the Tools in the green bar above.

I understand you are not “willing to do anything out of the ordinary to accommodate this illness.” You sound pretty burned out, and it is totally reasonable. I was too, when I first arrived here, and stayed that way for quite a long time.

However, some of these communication skills that are applicable to pwBPD are very useful life skills with everyone. I’ve benefitted greatly from learning them and on the plus side with my BPD husband, we’ve had almost zero arguments in the last few years, even when shutdown and hardly seeing other people during the pandemic.

I encourage you to learn some of these tools to defuse the conflicts. It’s not an overnight fix, but with time, you’ll find that you are much less stressed and that life is a lot more fun.

That said, even if you decide to exit this relationship, these communication tools will serve you well in future relationships.

One more question then I'll leave you alone, I promise.

Is it reasonsable to expect the pwBPD in the relationship to contribute anything to the relationship or bring any thing to the table? Or is it always a one-sided deal where the non-BPD person does all the work for little to no benefit? Seems like the pwBPD "gets" all the benefit of being in the relationship.

[Cat Familiar]

PwBPD can be extremely logical at times when they’re not triggered. Once emotions are heightened, their logic goes out the window. It’s all about feelings in the moment.

Are you familiar with the Meyers Briggs personality inventory? It’s often been used in Human Resources departments to assess the ideal position for new hires.

You probably are very heavy on the Thinking index, while your wife is more on the Feeling end of the spectrum. Not to say that either of you can’t function in the opposite preference, it’s just that we tend to favor one, same as if we are right handed or left handed.  https://www.myersbriggs.org/my-mbti-personality-type/mbti-basics/

I’m much more of a Thinker, and my husband is more of a Feeler. Until I realized this, I exacerbated arguments by trying to emphasize what I thought was a *reasonable argument*. It baffled me that this antagonized him, since he is a lawyer and highly skilled verbally and extremely intelligent. How could such a person be so blinded to logic when upset?

From his perspective, I was equally blind to feelings. He might have thought, “How could she be so oblivious, so insensitive, such a bull in a china shop?”

You ask if it’s reasonable to expect a pwBPD to bring anything to the table, to reciprocate.

Sad to say, no, not at this point. She is probably as burned out as you are. That’s not to say that things won’t get better, but unfortunately you will have to take the lead on this, as the emotionally healthy partner in the relationship.

Obviously she had qualities that drew you into the relationship at the beginning and you have cherished memories of good times. That can happen again, but you have to take the lead.

[fisher101]

PwBPD can be extremely logical at times when they’re not triggered. Once emotions are heightened, their logic goes out the window. It’s all about feelings in the moment.

Are you familiar with the Meyers Briggs personality inventory? It’s often been used in Human Resources departments to assess the ideal position for new hires.

You probably are very heavy on the Thinking index, while your wife is more on the Feeling end of the spectrum. Not to say that either of you can’t function in the opposite preference, it’s just that we tend to favor one, same as if we are right handed or left handed.  https://www.myersbriggs.org/my-mbti-personality-type/mbti-basics/

I’m much more of a Thinker, and my husband is more of a Feeler. Until I realized this, I exacerbated arguments by trying to emphasize what I thought was a *reasonable argument*. It baffled me that this antagonized him, since he is a lawyer and highly skilled verbally and extremely intelligent. How could such a person be so blinded to logic when upset?

From his perspective, I was equally blind to feelings. He might have thought, “How could she be so oblivious, so insensitive, such a bull in a china shop?”

You ask if it’s reasonable to expect a pwBPD to bring anything to the table, to reciprocate.

Sad to say, no, not at this point. She is probably as burned out as you are. That’s not to say that things won’t get better, but unfortunately you will have to take the lead on this, as the emotionally healthy partner in the relationship.

Obviously she had qualities that drew you into the relationship at the beginning and you have cherished memories of good times. That can happen again, but you have to take the lead.

Thank you. I guess I should have phrased the question as "Can a pwPBD EVER bring anything to the table?"

Those personality test, I've taken them, for me they are something odd altogether. I can never do them honestly. I'm always trying to game them to deliver a desired result.

Very interesting about your husband. I would never guess lawyer as the profession for someone who suffers from this.

[Cat Familiar]

“Can a pwPBD EVER bring anything to the table?"

Yes, absolutely. It’s possible to have a happy relationship with a pwBPD. I feel very fortunate.

Those personality test, I've taken them, for me they are something odd altogether. I can never do them honestly. I'm always trying to game them to deliver a desired result.

What is the result you aim for?

  Very interesting about your husband. I would never guess lawyer as the profession for someone who suffers from this.

Anyone can have BPD, doctors, lawyers, politicians, teachers, etc. Since BPD is a disorder of intimacy, many pwBPD have very successful careers.

[fisher101]

Yes, absolutely. It’s possible to have a happy relationship with a pwBPD. I feel very fortunate.

What is the result you aim for?

 Anyone can have BPD, doctors, lawyers, politicians, teachers, etc. Since BPD is a disorder of intimacy, many pwBPD have very successful careers.

The result I aim for is context-specific. If it's related employment or some other opportunity I'd like to be considered for it's a case of "tell them what they want to hear." Otherwise I just like to tinker with the results.

Please don't take this the wrong way, but after everything I've learned and experienced, I'd have a hard time trusting a professional if I somehow found out they were pwPBD. I know that sounds awful but it would be very hard for me right now.

[thankful person]

I'd have a hard time trusting a professional if I somehow found out they were pwPBD.

Is it not possible that you may already know and trust professionals who have bpd? We really have no idea what others are like “behind closed doors”, unless their partners have been extremely honest with us about it. In my experience people are only extremely honest about their partners once they’ve split up.

[formflier]

Great questions and answers in this thread.

Yes it is possible for pwBPD to "bring something to the table".  However it is a long process and I'm now aware of anyway to know if any particular pwBPD will be able to improve or not.

It's mostly up to them.

I say "mostly" not to hedge...but to say that you do have a big influence, how big is a "remains to be seen" type of question.

Mostly it's important to learn to to "get out of their way" ...in a healthy way...and let their "thing" run it's course...burn out of fuel.  

Also important to set a good example.

Also important to realize when an issue has passed...and leave it in the past.

I could go on...but I think going back to Cat Familiar's boundary example is helpful.

She realized through trial and error and frustration (how is that for polite...?) That what she was going to be helpful...was actually pouring fuel on the fire.

So..she stopped.  She "got out of the way".

The rest is up to him.

Last...I'll put Cat Familiar on the spot and I'm going to wager that she rarely...if ever tries to bring up and discuss a dysregulation/BPD thing.  She likely leaves yesterday's problems...in the past.


Thoughts?

Best,

FF

[fisher101]

Is it not possible that you may already know and trust professionals who have bpd? We really have no idea what others are like “behind closed doors”, unless their partners have been extremely honest with us about it. In my experience people are only extremely honest about their partners once they’ve split up.

Not only is it possible it probably has happened. But that fact doesn't make me feel more comfortable. If they are anything like my wife it means that you can't count on them to be where there are supposed to be at a certain time or do they were supposed to do at a certain time. Just my experience.

It's been a brutal 10 years and my opinions are obviously biased. I just don't know if I can ever consider someone with BPD to be a truly "good" person ever again.

[fisher101]

Great questions and answers in this thread.

Yes it is possible for pwBPD to "bring something to the table".  However it is a long process and I'm now aware of anyway to know if any particular pwBPD will be able to improve or not.

It's mostly up to them.

I say "mostly" not to hedge...but to say that you do have a big influence, how big is a "remains to be seen" type of question.

Mostly it's important to learn to to "get out of their way" ...in a healthy way...and let their "thing" run it's course...burn out of fuel.  

Also important to set a good example.

Also important to realize when an issue has passed...and leave it in the past.

I could go on...but I think going back to Cat Familiar's boundary example is helpful.

She realized through trial and error and frustration (how is that for polite...?) That what she was going to be helpful...was actually pouring fuel on the fire.

So..she stopped.  She "got out of the way".

The rest is up to him.

Last...I'll put Cat Familiar on the spot and I'm going to wager that she rarely...if ever tries to bring up and discuss a dysregulation/BPD thing.  She likely leaves yesterday's problems...in the past.


Thoughts?

Best,

FF

Gonna be honest, I don't know that I can do these things. I can't really let something go when I'm accused of something in accurately or I know I'm 100% right. It's problem I have and I've never been able to shake it.

Yes, I see the problem with that. I just don't know that I can let it go though. You guys are saints compared to me.

My wife absolutely cannot admit when she's wrong, even during calm times. Even in post blow up discussions I've asked "have you ever been wrong about anything?" Her one and only answer is that she says to me "we'll you're not always right either." It's not a real answer, its her way of kinda saying "yes" without really admitting to anything.

Drives me crazy. It's like if you had me write down a list of qualities of not-so-great people, never admitting fault would be near the top of the list.

As far as bringing things to the table, Im talking about actual tangible things. Can you ever count on them to pay bills on time, perform certain duties? Not talking about emotional things here, but rather division of labor. I pretty much do everything and that contributes to the burnout and resentment.

[Cat Familiar]

In my brief sojourn in grad school, thinking I wanted to be a therapist,   , one of the things I remember learning in one course was *when you get the outcome you want, STOP!*

It was far too easy for me to go on and on, asking for understanding. “Do you  get why that was an unkind thing to say?”

To answer FF’s question, nowadays I never bring up the past and try to have a discussion. (I’ve finally learned that lesson.)

It’s an unpleasant thing to do even with an emotionally healthy person. “Do you really understand why you hurt my feelings last week?” But with a pwBPD, it’s like putting the puppy’s nose into the poop he left on the carpet and then having him bite you.