Hey Delilsh123,
I’m sorry that you’re going through a difficult time. I can relate with your post. The anxiety and panic feels really intense when we feel like our expwBPD is acting different than the usual responses that we’re used to. What I mean is when they cut us off or split us black and we feel like this really could be the end of the r/s. That’s tough.
Sometimes when we look from the outside of someone else’s situation we can clearly see the blind spots that that other person has and we want to reflect those blind spots back to them because we want to help them get better. These are hard truths for people and when shine a light on those issues and they’re not ready to accept it or they have their ego put up defenses because it is not ready to face these issues we get the opposite reaction than what our intentions are.
When I read your post I read a lot of disrespecting your boundaries. A lot of us on the board either have little to no boundaries or floating boundaries where we set a boundary but the other person knows that if they push enough we’ll give into their needs.
A lot of us can probably relate with hoping that the other person is going to change because of how much we care and love that person. Again going from that perspective of seeing their blind spots from the outside when they can’t see or they are unwilling to see their blind spots and do the hard work to change, they have to come to their own terms with that, what I mean is is that they have to want to change, nobody else can get that person to that realization or give the motivation for change if they’re not ready for it.
He was to want that for himself nobody else can do that for him. For a pwBPD to change they have to get to their rock bottom and every one’s trick bottom is different. When we see a situation where we are convinced that this is their rock bottom the bottom can be much much further down than what we think it is. We can use our tolerance level and project that on someone else’s. This is that person’s journey we cannot go through that journey for them to avoid the pitfalls for them in their path.
Once that that person has reached bottom and can’t go any further and there is no guarantee that might be the catalyst for change. Usually a pwBPD have to back themselves into a corner. I don’t want to generalize and say that everyone is the same- some pwBPD have a grater level of self awareness and know that there’s something off and decide to get help for themselves but they have to know that there is something wrong with them - maybe they can’t put their finger on it but they just know that there’s something not right.
With that being said, you talked about him and you talked about family and friends and their perspective from what us going on.
What do you want for yourself? What are your needs from what is currently going on? Do you want to continue the r/s?
Thank you for your thoughtful response.
It feels good that you know exactly how I am feeling :'(
I feel less alone now. I am definitely panicking because it feels like the last time. Honestly, every time this happens, I always feel like it's the end. I know it's so unhealthy too..a balanced relationship should have open communication
Yes because I am always pushing myself to be better, I can clearly see where he can easily improve himself. It is difficult to watch him struggle when it is clear to me what he can do to be better. Perhaps he doesn't really want to change for himself but feels pressured to do so to be accepted by others. He has relied on mind-altering substances to "escape" and "cope" his entire life & it is hard to resist addiction. He also has difficulty taking care of himself & looks for mother figures to take care of him. This is why we connected so well, I am very maternal & he elicits my need to give unconditional love. Unfortunately, I can see it has enabled him..
I am still learning to make & uphold boundaries. I did not learn this when I was younger because my parents always crossed them, which is now ingrained in me. So when I made the new boundary that he was not welcome at my home & I could not talk to him because I was at work, I think he showed up at my workplace & home to pushback against this boundary (and also him being high / going through withdrawal made it harder for him to withhold his impulsiveness to relieve his anxiety).
I don't know if he was actually attending a DBT program like he said he was. I would think that if he really was, he would be coping better without hurting himself or using substances. Maybe he lied about participating to appease (or manipulate) me & others on his "efforts" to be better to get what he wanted
You're completely right about his rock bottom..I am hoping that the firm boundaries & withholding of financial support from me & his family will push him to change..I guess we shall see..
He knows that his actions have been hurtful to other people..his response though has been suicidal ideation / hurting himself / using drugs to feel better. I encouraged him to do DBT but like you said, he has to want that change for himself. He may have just accepted that he cannot change & has given up :/
I have stuck by him because I was waiting for him to be better. I don't want to continue the r/s as it is, but I wanted something better & it is hard to let go of that hope. Perhaps I am too naive..
- - New update though --
I set a new firm boundary on taking another step back from rescuing him.
I called him last night to say he can't come to me for $, a place to stay, show up at my workplace or apartment anymore. He said he understood & wouldn't show up (or else I could lose both).
I also said he could not see him or call me until he made improvements on being stable (i.e. getting a job, stable housing, inpatient program, etc.), but that I would be waiting for him when he showed improvement & stability.
He said he understood but that he felt like we would drift apart more (fear of abandonment). I told him I was still here waiting for him, but that I was taking a step back for him to do the work on his own (with his professional support system).
He said he would call back when he had good news.
This may be a mistake on my part, but I tried calling him today to check in but I found that he blocked me. I am trying to understand why because it's hurtful.
My therapist has said it's a form of "punishment" to withhold himself because I put up a boundary he did not like; I think perhaps it's his way of trying to get me to give in & put down the boundary. Either way, whenever he blocked me in that past, he was used to me chasing after him to overcome that "wall" (through crazy loops) to get through to him - after which he would always be delighted to hear from me...
Why do you think he blocked me this time when he was the one who did not want to reduce contact but now has further diminished it himself? Is he trying to tell me to move on?
Again I am feeling anxiety & panic from this.."is this the end?" Part of me wants to try to climb that "wall" & part of me think I should leave him alone to come back to me on his own (if he chooses to do so)..
