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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: Broke up with a woman who I think is BPD  (Read 629 times)
GTS22

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« on: January 11, 2022, 10:41:10 AM »

Hi.  A friend of mine sent me to this board a few weeks ago.  I've been reading a bit, but this is my first post. 

I started dating a woman back in September and broke up with her the weekend after Thanksgiving (about 6 weeks ago).  For the first 8 weeks, she was absolutely amazing, and we spent a lot of time together.  I have been divorced for over 5 years and a father of two teen girls, and this woman had never been married or had children of her own.  8 weeks into the relationship, we went on vacation over a weekend and had an absolute blast.  On the way back to the airport, my younger daughter called and asked me to buy her a dress for a party she was going to the following weekend.  When she sent me the dress, I told her it wasn't appropriate for a girl her age, and that I would take her shopping the following week.  I thought this was good parenting.  My exGF flipped out and told me that she would never show a dress like that to her parents, and that my daughter would be having sex in the back of a car and getting pregnant by 15, and that she didn't sign up to take care of a newborn.  I was simply shocked.  This was the first time that our relationship wasn't perfect.  I probably should have ended things on the spot, but I was so taken back by her behavior that I didn't know what to do.  She continued to harp on this the rest of the evening, and I couldn't believe it.  The following day, she texted me while I was at work and said "I still can't believe your daughter ruined our vacation."  I called her and told her she was focusing on the wrong things, but she wouldn't let it go.  The following day, she complained about my best friend's wife, whom she had met one time - she decided that she didn't like his wife, and said she didn't want to hang out with them any time soon. 

Over the next 3 weeks, there were probably 10-12 similar incidents where she would seemingly overreact or make a big deal about something that simply wasn't a big deal.  I didn't understand what was happening.  She was going through a major home remodel, and she was scheduled to have a major surgery in December, so I was trying to figure out if her behavior was situational, or if it were systemic to who she is.  The person she showed me in the final 3 weeks was so different from the amazing woman she was for the first 8 weeks.  Finally, we got into an argument that she wouldn't stop pushing, I said something a little out of character for me, and she walked out of my house.  The next day we spoke briefly, and when she wouldn't talk rationally, I told her that we needed to break up.  She defriended me on social media, which I thought was childish.  She sent me a slew of hateful text messages and told me I was a fraud the entire time of our relationship (not true at all), and that she was the perfect girlfriend for 8 weeks until she saw that things were going to change?  I didn't respond to her hurtful texts.

For the three weeks following our breakup, I didn't reach out to her, and I hadn't heard anything from her.  Apparently she had her surgery, and then she messaged me and said she was shocked that I didn't bother to check to see how she was after the surgery.  I told her that I had certainly worried about her, but considering the fact that she defriended me, and that she said some hurtful things to me, I didn't think my reaching out would have been well received.  I asked how she was doing, and she responded the following day that she was in a lot of pain.  I asked if she would be willing to talk when she was feeling better.  I truly miss her, and I figured that if we could both talk about what was bothering us, perhaps we could restore a relationship that started off so well.  In the following days, 2 of her friends reached out to me and said they were sorry to hear that we had broken up.  I told them both that I was too, and that if she and I could talk things out, perhaps we could fix things. 

A few days later, she sent me some angry messages asking why I would want to talk, and she listed a bunch of things about our relationship that she didn't like (none of which she voiced during the time we were together).  Most of them didn't make sense.  Included in these complaints were the fact that I live 25 minutes away from her and that I have my daughters.  After messaging back and forth for a couple days, I asked her if we could meet up and talk on New Year's Eve.  She told me she already made plans.  She had just spent two weeks complaining about being bedridden after having surgery, that I was a bit surprised she had made plans to go out.  I assumed she must have a date.  She told me we could talk the following week.  Last Monday, a friend of mine sent me a screenshot of a social media status update that she is listed as "in a relationship" with another guy - 5 weeks after I broke up with her, and during that time she had a major surgery.  I'm dumbfounded. 

My friends all tell me that she is bad news.  We only dated for 11 weeks, but I fell in love with her.  I can't seem to shake her from my brain, even though she's with another guy, and even though she said some pretty terrible things in the final 3 weeks we were together.  Typing this, I can see how ridiculous this all sounds, but I'm addicted to her like a drug. 

My therapist, my primary care physician, and 2 other friends who have BPD family members all tell me that it sounds like she is a textbook BPD.  I've been reading a bit about BPD, and a friend sent me to this site.  I'm just trying to understand how someone I dated for such a short period of time, and who seems so terribly bad for me, has such an incredible impact and stanglehold on my feelings.  I've never felt like this after a breakup that I initiated.  I appreciate any input and advice you can give me.
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SinisterComplex
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« Reply #1 on: January 11, 2022, 12:33:19 PM »

First, welcome GTS... Welcome new member (click to insert in post). Happy you found us. Sorry for the circumstances that brought you here though. Its unfortunate to have to go through what you have.

There are some important points I want to make here. Could she have BPD? Its possible. Could she have other issues such as fear of intimacy, or PTSD? I think it is safe to say that she does have some issues to work on. However, there is not enough to diagnose or label and I would stay away from it as a result. There are many plausible reasons for her behavior, but none of them are excuses.

You have already answered your own gut feelings when you said you should have pulled the plug. Well there is nothing worth saving here. You have daughters to worry about and you have yourself to worry about. Wish her well on her journey and focus on your own. Move on. I may have a different outlook if there was more time spent, but this is the dating game. Some work out, some don't.

You feel guilt probably because you broke up under coercion/duress essentially. You may feel you were manipulated into breaking up. Someone who self sabotages leaves the other party feeling like that typically. There are a lot of tools here to help you understand this. Most importantly, look at this as she did you a favor.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

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GTS22

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« Reply #2 on: January 11, 2022, 12:40:20 PM »

Thank you SC for responding. 

I definitely agree that she "did me a favor", and that since it was such a short amount of time (2-1/2 months), that it should be easy to simply move on.  What's troubling me is that I fell so hard for her that I'm having so much difficulty moving on from her.  Why can't I simply take the approach you suggested - wish her well, move forward, and never look back?  I have other women wanting to date me since my breakup.  One I'm even fairly interested in.  However, I would trade it all (and probably sacrifice much more) to fix things with my exGF, and I know that's not healthy.  Obviously, something is different about this woman and this breakup.  It might not be BPD, but regardless, I don't know what it is, and I've never struggled so much with a breakup that I initiated.  I've thought about her nonstop for the past 6 weeks.  Even now that I know she's so quickly "in a new relationship", I am in total disbelief and am hopeful that she will snap out of this.   I'm beating myself up over this. 
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SinisterComplex
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« Reply #3 on: January 11, 2022, 01:39:58 PM »

Thank you SC for responding. 

I definitely agree that she "did me a favor", and that since it was such a short amount of time (2-1/2 months), that it should be easy to simply move on.  What's troubling me is that I fell so hard for her that I'm having so much difficulty moving on from her.  Why can't I simply take the approach you suggested - wish her well, move forward, and never look back?  I have other women wanting to date me since my breakup.  One I'm even fairly interested in.  However, I would trade it all (and probably sacrifice much more) to fix things with my exGF, and I know that's not healthy.  Obviously, something is different about this woman and this breakup.  It might not be BPD, but regardless, I don't know what it is, and I've never struggled so much with a breakup that I initiated.  I've thought about her nonstop for the past 6 weeks.  Even now that I know she's so quickly "in a new relationship", I am in total disbelief and am hopeful that she will snap out of this.   I'm beating myself up over this. 

GTS take the time to give yourself a break. None of it is your fault. You shouldn't be beating yourself up over this. Be kind to you.

I definitely do not recommend dating right now for you. No, you need to get your head squared away again. Do not put her on a pedestal. Perhaps the reason this is stinging you is that she moved on so quickly. Truth is she probably didn't move on but it just looks like it. Her issues will not miraculously have been fixed by going with this new victim.

You need to get this notion out of your head that you lost something. You didn't lose anything. You gained something...freedom and peace of mind, but allow yourself to have that freedom and peace of mind.

You are letting the loss gear you toward co-dependency. Stop that. You know better. She doesn't matter. YOU do.

Focus on you. Start focusing on making yourself happy. Also, continue to post here and keep coming here for support so we can help you get your S Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post) together.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-
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GTS22

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« Reply #4 on: January 11, 2022, 01:48:36 PM »

Thanks again SC.  It was stinging me before I discovered that she moved on, but it certainly took the wind out of me when I learned about the new relationship.  What do you mean by "Truth is she probably didn't move on but it just looks like it."?  She's not just dating people, she's allegedly changed her relationship status and profile photo to show she's in a relationship.  I'm shocked that she could move on that quickly, even when she had a major surgery.  But I can't believe this dude would agree to change his status so quickly along with her? 

How do I stop letting the loss gear me toward co-dependency?  I've never been like this, but I definitely feel this now. 
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SinisterComplex
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« Reply #5 on: January 11, 2022, 02:44:32 PM »

Thanks again SC.  It was stinging me before I discovered that she moved on, but it certainly took the wind out of me when I learned about the new relationship.  What do you mean by "Truth is she probably didn't move on but it just looks like it."?  She's not just dating people, she's allegedly changed her relationship status and profile photo to show she's in a relationship.  I'm shocked that she could move on that quickly, even when she had a major surgery.  But I can't believe this dude would agree to change his status so quickly along with her? 

How do I stop letting the loss gear me toward co-dependency?  I've never been like this, but I definitely feel this now. 

What I mean by looks like she moved on is that she overlapped. She couldn't stand to be alone and she hasn't dealt with her feelings as it pertains to you. So instead of dealing with things like a normal healthy adult she jumped into a new relationship to cover up her pain so she didn't have to deal with anything. For what its worth the odds are that the other guy was an orbiter for a while and she had him waiting in the wings.

Well the good news...you have kids which can help shift your focus away from this stuff. They are your number 1 priority. However, you have to learn to enforce boundaries. For example, you said it yourself...you should have pulled the plug. Well perhaps this relationship happened for you to teach you areas you need to work on to grow into the person you are supposed to be.

Co-dependency happens when you have weak and poor boundaries. So, let me explain a very important thing for you....The Hero Gets ZERO! Being nice gets you liked sure, but it also makes you a target to get used and abused and manipulated. So instead of worrying about being liked worry about being respected. I mean for example...I am very well aware I am not everyone's cup of tea, but you would be hard pressed to find someone who doesn't respect me because all the while I am tough I am fair. The point being is that even when someone doesn't necessarily like me they know I am not to be trifled with and they can still work with me because I will be fair. Make sense?

You have to train yourself to not enable S  Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post) behavior. If someone crosses you then do not hesitate...you call them out and you have a confrontation right then and there. You do not let it continue on and get swept under the rug. Otherwise you are saying to the other person that you can be walked all over and that how you were treated is ok and that your worth is low value.

In essence, GTS...learn to trust your instincts. You seem to have a grasp on the answers to things, but yet still seem unsure yourself. Definitely strive to acquaint yourself with learning the art of not giving a S  Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post). Why? It is your life. Do not worry so much what other people think. Do you and let the universe handle the rest. Want Better, Expect Better, Do Better!

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-
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« Reply #6 on: January 11, 2022, 04:06:38 PM »

Thank you.  Yes, I assumed this guy must have been waiting in the wings, or possibly even talking with her during the 3 weeks she was acting off.  I appreciate the advice.
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GTS22

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« Reply #7 on: January 14, 2022, 10:18:32 AM »

I have been feeling a little better the past couple days, but finally last night, I couldn't resist the urge to check her Facebook profile.  She changed her photo to another pic of her and the new dude, and they had both commented how amazing their life together was and posted "I love you babe" in the comments on the photo.   This is just so incredibly unbelievable to me, and I am struggling to move on and let this go.  Why do I care so much?
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« Reply #8 on: January 14, 2022, 12:54:41 PM »

If your ex does have bpd, it is extremely unlikely that she is as happy as she makes out. Bpd is a serious mental illness that doesn’t go away without years of intense treatment. Facebook is often used as a desperate way to seek validation anyway so don’t believe everything you see on there.

I guarantee that red flags are starting to appear in the new relationship, whether the new guy choices to see them or not is up to him (I admit, I ignored them for a long time). This honeymoon period will not last though, it’s virtually impossible as bpd relationships are highly unsustainable.
 
My ex broke up with me very abruptly and within days had moved a new guy in with her. I thought he must be something special if things had progressed so quickly but it turns out he has more issues than what she does! Their relationship is an absolute mess so don’t believe the seemingly blissful world they project - it isn’t real.

On to your question, why do I care? You care because you’re human and your feelings for her ran deep and were genuine. This took me a long time to get my head around but we love them in a different way that they love us. My love developed from meeting her, getting to know her, forming a bond and eventually settling down and working through every day life as a partnership. Whether things are good or bad or if we were doing something exciting or just sitting at home I loved her for who she was, my partner. They love us differently. Their love for us is conditional. Conditional to how we make them feel, how we make them look, and how we make them feel about themselves. Whilst this is easier to do in the honeymoon phase, it’s soon wears off and then the problems  really start to begin.

So whilst you really loved your ex, she didn’t love you in the same organic way, The same as she doesn’t love this new guy in the same organic way. It’s just a distraction to take away the pain and emptiness that she’s feeling deep inside.

The Facebook picture is almost like her holding up her new acquisition and saying ‘Look at me! I can be loved! I’m so wonderful even though I feel like garbage on the inside!’

I hope this helps you a little bit, it’s really tough right now but it will get better.

I highly recommend staying away from social media for the foreseeable future.
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GTS22

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« Reply #9 on: January 14, 2022, 01:09:03 PM »

Thanks B1987.  Makes a lot of sense.  Doesn't make the frantically desperate longing for her go away.  I guess time is the only thing that will heal that?  I was so blissfully happy the first 8 weeks.  Then decently happy but confused for the following 3 weeks.  I just want that woman that she was in the beginning. 
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« Reply #10 on: January 14, 2022, 01:19:18 PM »

Thanks B1987.  Makes a lot of sense.  Doesn't make the frantically desperate longing for her go away.  I guess time is the only thing that will heal that?  I was so blissfully happy the first 8 weeks.  Then decently happy but confused for the following 3 weeks.  I just want that woman that she was in the beginning. 

So GTS...I think something you need to remember...what she said about your daughter. Anyone would have said that about my kid you don't exist to me after that.

I mean that is why it is an open and shut case for me here. I mean she crossed a line you just don't cross. Anything else doesn't matter. Your daughter matters, that woman doesn't. You can find a better woman.

Focus on that to help get passed this. Anyone who would say disrespectful things like that about your kid doesn't deserve any more wasted time or effort.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-
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« Reply #11 on: January 14, 2022, 01:22:17 PM »

You're absolutely right SC.  And I remember telling one of my friends after that happened that I didn't think this relationship is going to work.  Intellectually, I know that should have been the end, and that I shouldn't even be entertaining the idea of speaking with her again.  However, I have some weird pull towards her, and honestly, if she were to call me today and say she wanted to get back together, I probably would.  So, it's probably a blessing that she's in a new relationship.  Hopefully, by the time that relationship ends, I will have healed enough to ignore her.  It's just really hard right now. 
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« Reply #12 on: January 14, 2022, 01:22:26 PM »

Trust me, it only gets worse. They show you their best side but they can’t keep it up, it isn’t real.

I completely understand the feeling of longing to be with her, it’s so painful but slowly it starts to fade. I still love my ex and always will but I’ve learnt the hard way they there’s absolutely no way the relationship could work.

I fell for numerous recycles before I realised she was on a constant and destructive loop. They never get better, they are programmed for misery and every relationship they have will suffer.
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« Reply #13 on: January 14, 2022, 01:44:08 PM »

I have learned through lots of heartbreak that a big red flag for relationships and friendships is the feelings are just too good, too perfect, to be true. The love hormones are really heavy when there is lots of love bombing at the start of the relationship. It takes a while to come down from the intense feelings that happen when we fall in love with the hormones on high. My most satisfying relationships and friendships have been built over time, and from the start, there were always obvious signs that we were different people and did not agree on many things, though enough shared values and interests to want to continue. I often say to my friends that we aren't really friends until we have had a disagreement. What seem like real friendships and relationships can blow up within a short time or after many years over the first big disagreement, when all of sudden you are unreasonably blamed for things that make no sense, often followed by a sudden discard. Though a painful experience, this relationship ended within a few weeks, unlike so many described on this site, which go on for years, often after a marriage and children are involved. Give yourself a pat on the back for standing up to her, and being out of the relationship.
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GTS22

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« Reply #14 on: January 14, 2022, 02:05:54 PM »

Thanks Zacharia.  I don't feel like I've won here, but EVERYONE is telling me I've dodged a bullet, I'm so lucky to be rid of her, she was dangerous to me, she was only going to get worse and I'd be deeper into it, etc.  If EVERYONE in my life is telling me this, and if you are all telling me this, then most likely this has to be true.  My heart just hasn't caught up to my head.
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« Reply #15 on: January 14, 2022, 02:47:08 PM »

Give your heart time to catch up with your head. The amount of hurt involved in this type of relationship takes time to heal. I personally find daily meditation to be a big help as it allows me to process the feelings in the moment, for terrible feelings not to accumulate and explode later. When we are in a toxic relationship, we usually do know at some level that something is off, and the repeated ignoring of the warning signs does build up. From the beginning, there are usually love bombing behaviors mixed with behaviors towards you and/or others that signal we are not dealing with a genuinely nice person. When we realize that the love bombing was not real, the hurt is deep and takes a while to heal, and to learn how to do better next time.
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« Reply #16 on: January 15, 2022, 12:32:23 PM »

I was doing a good job of not checking her social media, and then this morning a friend of mine screen shot another photo of my ex and her new guy that she posted on IG.  I don’t need to see that.  Why can’t I let this woman go?
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« Reply #17 on: January 15, 2022, 01:13:46 PM »

At some level, you may be seeing this guy as your replacement, and in some way having something you lack. Believe me, he will either end up with the same problems with her, and/or he is similar to her and is in a relationship with very severe restrictions: like constant worshipping of each other with no allowed open conflict, etc., You though enough of yourself to demand a higher standard for yourself. The public image cultivated by your ex can be very painful as you don't really get to see what is going on behind the scenes.
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« Reply #18 on: January 16, 2022, 07:58:07 AM »

Yes.  I feel that way 100%.  Like I wasn’t patient enough.  She had a major surgery and a major home remodel.  She was stressed about both of those things.  They’re in the past now, and this guy is reaping the benefits. 

I know it doesn’t make sense that they could already be in love and in a FB official relationship so quickly.  But they look to be happy, and I miss the good times I had with her.  I don’t get why she would have reached out 3 weeks after the breakup and then have 2 of her friends reach out, and then message back and forth with me for a couple days, and say we could talk the first week of the year, only for her to be in a new relationship? 

And more importantly, I don’t get why I can’t move forward?  She and I only dated for 2-1-2 months.  And I was the one who ended things.  Yet I miss her terribly and would love to talk about rekindling things.  I’ve read some posts on this board about how rekindling never goes well, but I can definitely see why folks like us want to try again.
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« Reply #19 on: January 17, 2022, 04:29:52 PM »

Yes.  I feel that way 100%.  Like I wasn’t patient enough.  She had a major surgery and a major home remodel.  She was stressed about both of those things.  They’re in the past now, and this guy is reaping the benefits. 

I know it doesn’t make sense that they could already be in love and in a FB official relationship so quickly.  But they look to be happy, and I miss the good times I had with her.  I don’t get why she would have reached out 3 weeks after the breakup and then have 2 of her friends reach out, and then message back and forth with me for a couple days, and say we could talk the first week of the year, only for her to be in a new relationship? 

And more importantly, I don’t get why I can’t move forward?  She and I only dated for 2-1-2 months.  And I was the one who ended things.  Yet I miss her terribly and would love to talk about rekindling things.  I’ve read some posts on this board about how rekindling never goes well, but I can definitely see why folks like us want to try again.

So GTS...you are missing her most likely because your ego got bruised and you feel like you lost and this guy beat you. Trust me that has something to do with it. However, grab some baby powder pour it in your hand and then smack some sense into yourself. No, you didn't lose anything. This guy isn't better than you. If anything he is an easier mark and is a downgrade...that is usually the case. You put up a defense so she had to run to a new a hapless victim who didn't see the real her yet.

See this was all a game. She had to win. She had to beat you. Teenage mind games at its finest to be honest..."I know it doesn’t make sense that they could already be in love and in a FB official relationship so quickly.  But they look to be happy, and I miss the good times I had with her.  I don’t get why she would have reached out 3 weeks after the breakup and then have 2 of her friends reach out, and then message back and forth with me for a couple days, and say we could talk the first week of the year, only for her to be in a new relationship?" - I want you read that back to yourself and then think on it. This is what kept you hooked to her.

This guy is also not reaping the benefits. You need to stop this line of thinking. No, no, no, and NO again! You are reaping the benefits by being free of her Bull S Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post).

I mean really do you want to go back into the fire and then have her do real damage to you? Do you think you deserve a partner who plays these games? Do you think this is the best you can do? Truth of the matter is you may have come to find out you weren't really compatible in the end anyway.

Hell no my man...Want Better, Expect Better, Do Better!

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-
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« Reply #20 on: January 17, 2022, 04:33:35 PM »

Thanks SC.  You're absolutely right.  But why does it bother me so much?  And, if I'm being honest, if she were to call today, I would probably drop everything and run to her.  Why???  I so badly want her to reach out to me, yet I know she's bad for me.

I saw another photo she posted today of the new guy.  He looks like a clown.  But a blissfully happy clown.  I miss that feeling of being blissfully happy. 

Yes, I do deserve better. 

Thank you!
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« Reply #21 on: January 17, 2022, 04:47:32 PM »

Thanks SC.  You're absolutely right.  But why does it bother me so much?  And, if I'm being honest, if she were to call today, I would probably drop everything and run to her.  Why???  I so badly want her to reach out to me, yet I know she's bad for me.

I saw another photo she posted today of the new guy.  He looks like a clown.  But a blissfully happy clown.  I miss that feeling of being blissfully happy. 

Yes, I do deserve better. 

Thank you!

Its ok my friend. We are fam here. I may be tough, but I do truly care and I do understand and see the pain you are going through. That is never lost on me I assure you.

The hard part here is that you are letting your ego control you. This guy has her so your jealous. In your mind you thought you could break it off, but realistically you had ideas of perhaps getting back together after taking a break. She beat you to the punch in a sense and it stings because you were warming up to the idea of being with her again.

One thing that you need to get comfortable with...when you break it off someone stick to it. The make up break up cycle is toxic.

See you are spending all this time ruminating. You are wasting all this time and effort on focusing on her and the new guy. How you about you spend that time on YOU and your life. You need to block her on everything and remove her from your life entirely so you can get past this. I am trying to help you stop from going down a destructive path here.

Keep posting here. However, maybe reaching out and seeing a therapist would be good for you. Someone who will listen without judgment and can be impartial.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-
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« Reply #22 on: January 17, 2022, 09:08:42 PM »

Thanks SC.  I can tell that you care, and I appreciate the harsh but direct words.  I am seeing a therapist, and he has familiarity with BPD.  He thinks my exGF most likely has BPD.  Yes, you’re correct.  I made a decision and should trust my gut and stick to it.  I’ve never waffled over a breakup like this, other than my marriage when my exwife cheated, and that waffling was only because we have children together. 

I know that time and determination will get me through this breakup.  I think I’m reeling because this woman made such a strong impression on me, and it’s hard to imagine that it must not have meant anything to her, if she can jump so quickly to the next relationship and seemingly have the same feelings for this new guy. 
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« Reply #23 on: January 18, 2022, 03:08:43 AM »

Hi GTS22,

I like to add to that.. that it really doesn't matter if she has BPD or not ( it does sound like it though) but what matters is you broke it off because there were so many boundaries crossed and it started to become a toxic relationship.
That is a sign of health!
Also, that you are grieving right now is a sign you genuinely cared about someone. Let that grief have its way with you, it WILL have its way and be done. Walk tall with it. (I am it it, with you; )
Your story about your ex is so similar to mine. My ex however WAS diagnosed with BPD. But the first 8 weeks were also bliss, then things started getting weird and scary rapidly. It felt to me as soon as Pandora's box opened a little bit , he just left the lid off.
I also broke up with him (11th of November) after a three month relationship , like you and I also never have experienced this pain and confusion before.
In the meantime this might sound really weird ( but it does help me, so maybe it helps you) ENJOY the melancholy of grieving over someone. Because you know deep down that is not reality. If you would really be in a relationship with her right now, I can assure you it would have been hell.. right now you have peace and grief. It is not such a bad thing.
In fact your position right now is not bad at all, even though you don't realise it: you broke off with her, you set boundaries, she is trying to get your attention and prove something to YOU by posting these pictures. It only shows her lack of self-esteem.
I certainly suggest deleting/blocking her on everything, to protect yourself from these moments in the middle of the night etc. Also telling your friends not to inform you of her in any way any more.
I took myself off social media completely a couple of years ago and it has felt like a breath of fresh air in so many situations.
It certainly helps me now. like you, if he would be at my door right now asking me to marry him, I probably would. But I would know I majorly Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post)#$cked up my life doing so. I would know it on the spot and I think you do as well...
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« Reply #24 on: January 18, 2022, 11:33:58 AM »

Thanks Judee.  Yes, that is exactly how I feel.  I went to breakfast with a couple buddies this morning, and we were talking about it.  I told them that if she were to call me today, I hate to admit it, but I would go running back to her in a second.  I realize that isn't healthy, but it's the sad truth.  This reinforces to me that I made the correct decision to break up with her.  As you said, I did set boundaries, and I enforced them.  But, I've second guessed myself so much because she was going through two very stressful situations while we were dating - 1. a major home remodel that was dragging on for over 9 months and creating problems every day, and 2. the impending major surgery that she ended up having mid-December after we had broken up.  She used the surgery as a reason to reach out to me and scold me for not checking to see how she was doing.  That caused me to break no contact and reopen myself to the hope for rekindling the relationship, but with boundaries. 

I question every day if I was too impatient and ended things too quickly because she was probably under a lot of stress from the two situations I shared above.  Now the surgery is over and the house is finished, and the new clown gets to reap the benefits of the good times. 

I am in pain, and while I know it will eventually pass, I just want to go back to the 8 weeks when she made me feel like I was on top of the world.  I started dating someone new a couple weeks ago.  We have hung out a few times, but I just don't have the same connection with this new woman.  I'm trying to push forward to help me move on.  I just feel so stuck in this wild hope that my ex will "come to her senses", drop this new clown, and come running back to me and apologize.  The problem is that I'm the one who needs to "come to my senses" and realize that THIS is who she most likely really is - she jumps from relationship to relationship, almost 40 years old, has never been married and no kids.  She's maybe had 1 serious relationship in her life, and that was in her mid-twenties and was long-distance.  There HAS to be a reason why that's the case.  I thought it was because she was dating the wrong guys, like this one appears to be.  But maybe it's not the guys - it's her?  A woman who used to be her best friend recently married a friend of my best friend.  I hung out with them very soon after my breakup, and that woman told me that's just who exGF is. 

I'm just so disappointed, because she really seemed to be everything I wanted in a woman.  Just stinks that it was all a mirage.  And now she's pretending to be everything the new guys ever wanted in a woman. 

Half of me wants to be able to let go and move on and forget her.  Half of me wishes she will come running back to me.  I don't like this feeling.
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« Reply #25 on: January 18, 2022, 04:04:54 PM »

Hi GTS-

I’ve read your posts a few times.  And the responses.  I’m sorry you’re hurting, truly sorry.  And I can honestly see where you’d be second-guessing yourself.  I just don’t think you really need to be.  I believe your gut was right, but your brain and heart don’t quite know that yet.

So maybe if you can connect a few dots for yourself this can perhaps become clearer... for yourself and those trying to help you.

First, while you’re hoping your exGF returns, whether this is a real hope or a nighttime hope, should you really be dating yet?

Second, knowing your exGF’s impact on you, the fact that you fell in love hard and fast (less than 8 weeks), how is this new guy any different from you?  I’m not judging the pace of your feelings... mine grew hard and fast, too.  But What makes him a “clown” for falling for her?

Okay.  So now to your daughters and the initial “fight”.  I’m wondering what type of relationship your exGF had with your girls; the amount of interaction there was between them and how often you had your girls while you were with your ex?  In my mind this could be the start of some key points.

And what prompted your ex to bring up not liking your best friend’s wife the day after your ex lit into the nonexistent future drama of “not raising” your 15-year old’s nonexistent “newborn”.  Because of a picture of a dress that had not been purchased.

And the stressful remodel... yes, remodels ARE stressful.  But remodels that involve disordered people?  Oh Lord, forget it!  I am certain that the contractors who do the work for them lose time, money, emotional and physical health in THAT process.  I witnessed that firsthand with a former friend.  She was the disordered homeowner.

Your former GF must be an extraordinary human being.  I have had five surgeries (three considered major).  During the three weeks following each of those pretty traumatic experiences, I was in no shape to enter into a new romantic relationship, much less stand up and wash my own hair.  And I’m not a wimpy girl by any stretch.  So that woman would be pretty amazing in my book.  I’m wondering exactly what “major” means to her.

I’d really like to dig in more deeply with you on the topics of your daughters and your best friend’s wife.  These are very telling issues, my friend.  I know this from painful experience.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes
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« Reply #26 on: January 18, 2022, 04:35:04 PM »

Thanks Gems.  Here are some answers.

I think about her all the time - daytime and nighttime. 

I'm dating in an attempt to move on.  Dating casually, not serious with anyone.  Trying to move forward.

The new guy probably isn't a clown.  It's just easier to accept if he's a clown.  I really know nothing about him.  He's probably a regular guy who is falling fast for her like I did.  But I didn't have a photo with her as my profile pic, and I wasn't in a Facebook official relationship.  That seems fast.  Maybe I'm more conservative about things like that.  She told me she loved me after a month, which I thought was fast.  But I said it too, and I've only said that to a handful of women in my life - my exwife of 15 years, and 3 other women who I dated for over 2 years each.  5 weeks after her breaking up with me, she's posting "I love you new guy" on social media.  He's saying the same thing. 

My exGF met my girls after a month and a half of dating.  It was fast, but I was in love with this woman.  She probably hung out with me and my daughters 3 or 4 times total.  Not often.  She wasn't with my daughter when the dress incident happened.  She and I were on our way back to the airport on a vacation, and my daughter had facetimed me. 

The issue with my best friend's wife is that a former best friend of my ex recently married a friend of my best friend.  While we were on vacation, the 2 other couples hung out.  My exGF's former friend texted her to say how much my best friend's wife liked meeting her that one time a couple weeks earlier, and that my friend's wife was excited to spend more time getting to know her.  It was innocent, and my exGF's former best friend was hopeful that the 6 of us would all hang out and perhaps she would become friends with my exGF again.  Now that I suspect my exGF has NPD, I think my exGF was worried that my best friend's wife might actually learn the truth about my exGF from exGF's former best friend?  And maybe that's why she didn't want anything to do with my best friend's wife? 

I can only imagine the grief she must have put the contractor through.  I saw some of the text exchanges and they weren't pretty.  I also saw some of the terrible construction work, and it wasn't pretty either.

Without getting too much into detail (I have no clue who reads these boards), but my exGF had a major surgery that is more common in women 10-15 years older than she is.  The surgery happened about 3 weeks after I broke up with her.  She was supposed to be bedridden for 2 weeks, and then low impact for another 4-6 weeks.  Maybe if she were feeling better, she could go to dinners, but not much else.  I'm sure if I didn't break up with her, she would have been milking the surgery for all it's worth (and I wouldn't have blamed her).  When she and I were messaging the week between Christmas and New Year's, she told me how she was basically immobile since the surgery, and she was in so much pain, and she needed to focus on her health.  She told me she had plans on New Years and was going to be staying overnight with her friend and friend's husband so she wouldn't have to drive. Clearly, she was OK enough to go out with this new guy on New Year's Eve.  And more times since New Years Eve.  I'm sure she is in some pain, but not anywhere close to what she portrayed in our messages, and what she would have pretended had I still been dating her.

I really think the incidents with my daughter and with my best friend's wife were subtle attempts to begin to separate me from my friends and family and those close to me.  As I type all of this, I can see she was bad news, but I just can't seem to reconcile in my heart that fact.  I so badly miss her and want to recapture the 8 weeks in the beginning of our relationship.  I know it was good of me to end things when I did - she crossed boundaries, and I didn't appreciate that.  I just want her to be someone she isn't, but that she pretended to be.
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« Reply #27 on: January 19, 2022, 04:16:31 AM »

I feel exactly like you.. thinking about him day and night.
It is actually healing to know you are a man and able to feel like this as well, this whole last relationship had got me somewhat estranged in what men are capable of. So thank you for sharing your story.
The hardest thing for me right now is not to reach out.
I have done it twice since we broke up in November. Like you, we texted right before Christmas and he proposed to start over again. But the day after he already expressed being upset about three things that totally didn't make sense to me. I couldn't keep up with it. I ended up in apologising to him.. again.. and I saw myself drowning, again.
That led to our final break up.   
You also saw patterns in her behaviour with people around her. I also believe you were totally correct in your judgement of this relationship but like others mentioned.. it is hard for the heart to catch up with the head.
I also want the first 8 weeks back. I want the loving, sensitive, sparkling man back I fell so hard for. Maybe me writing this also can give you some comfort in knowing a women can feel exactly the same. It is von suckenstein.

YET I decided I want to do one great thing every day. So the whole day can be ok, or really bad, or good.. but I need to do one thing that is great. It can be anything.
So recently I started jumping in an ice-cold pond with friend. It is amazing.
What also helps me is giving myself one day to be drowning in grief but the next day I need to go out and engage with the world in sense of talking, working, exercising.
Sometimes I even use that day to be extra productive because I know the next day I can just let the grief have its way.
Maybe this is helpful to anyone.





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« Reply #28 on: January 19, 2022, 05:05:33 PM »

Hi GTS-

Sad to say, but your exGF is indeed who and what she is.  And I did notice in your original post here that she seems to exhibit pretty narcissistic traits, as did both my exBF and exH.  Both also had BPD traits, but very strong N.  Not a good combination.  At all.  But the fact remains, without the incredible charming and lovely things we are shown initially, we would not have fallen so hard and fast.  And I shared equally in the “love bombing”.  I know I matched what mine put forward in his “too good to be true” chase.  And I too waited for those first 2.5 months to return.  For 6.5 years I waited.

First about her surgery.  I’m guessing a hysterectomy.  I’m 64 now and had my first female abdominal surgery, done on an “emergency, next day” basis when I was 37, when they attempted to preserve my ability to have children and avoid what they thought was imminent danger of hemorrhage.  A horrible experience.  Very difficult and painful recovery.  Four days in hospital and truly “bedridden”, except for very short walks to prevent clots for the first 10-14 days.  Couldn’t have babies anyway.

Nearly Ten years later total hysterectomy in 2004.  Dreamy surgery.  Wonderful easy anesthesia, was doing the NYT crossword in hospital bed that afternoon!  Also abdominal.  Prior to surgery, despite what was happening inside my body, I was rowing at least 5 days a week and walking like a fiend.  Released on day 3 and told to walk upright, no matter how slowly.  So I did.  I rested.  And I walked.  My H had to leave town on day 4 and a friend came to stay with me.  I sent him home the next day.  I was fine and stopped taking the pain meds.  I only needed friends to grocery shop and help wash my hair.  But I didn’t leave the house Until I think week 3 (with that “belly pain pillow”).  Recovery and attitude depends on the person, but I was so happy for these years of agony to be over (and no disease).  And even today sometimes talk to the sadness of no babies.

“Bedridden” and “bed rest” have different meanings.  And there are other, less invasive means to do hysterectomy than abdominally.  Less painful and faster recovery.

Narcissistic behavior and the people we love and cherish.  Or just the people we know and enjoy having in our lives...

So yea.  Your precious children.  I believe your exGF gave you a true crystal ball view into her inability and unwillingness to be a loving and supportive stepmom.  Believe what you saw.  There is NO CONNECTION between a remodel, a surgery and your exGF’s awful reaction to your daughter showing you a dress on FaceTime call.  This is Step 1 in her “Wedge Driving” between you and a cherished connection with your dear daughter.

Had your exGF been the ONLY person to whom your dear daughter (DD) shown that dress, outside of your presence, and exGF had that SAME reaction...what THEN?  Would your young daughter have ceased sharing with you?  This is an openness to be cherished and fostered.  Not shut down and silenced, don’t you think?  And I believe you gave your DD a perfect response.  Fear enters kids quickly, especially when they’re not used to seeing behavior like this.

Your exGF sees your children as an intrusion.  Nothing more.  Unless there is something very identifiable that is in it for her.

As far as your exGF’s reaction to her ex-friend’s text about your best friend’s wife.  That could be just what you said... OR the beginning of cutting you away from your best friend.  Either way, the end result is the same.  She thinks she protects herself from “persecution” and you lose the ability to see or be with people you love.  Isolation.

And then other family members are targeted.  Followed by people at work and more casual friends and acquaintances.

From what I’ve experienced, it seems to me my ex’s lack of, well lack of feeling anything, meant he simply did NOT understand that my loving or caring for or giving any attention to other people didn’t STEAL any of the love I had for him.  In his mind he just had to try to turn me against everyone.  In the end, he emptied me of all good feelings for HIM.  All on his own.  But my well of love remains full. Sealed tight for now, but full.

So... your thoughts?  how do you heal yourself?  Keep yourself strong?

Warmly,
Gems
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« Reply #29 on: January 19, 2022, 08:32:24 PM »

Gems,

Thank you.  You are spot on.  What about my original post makes you think my exGF is narcissistic?  I don’t know that I picked up on that with her.  It’s certainly possible, and especially since I was (and still am) in the fog of her idealization. 

I don’t know how I heal myself or keep myself strong.  I’m trying hard.  Therapy.  Talking to friends and family.  Reading all of the similar stories from other posters on this forum.  But it’s not working as fast as I’d like.  I went no contact after the breakup, but wanted to reach out to her so badly.  When she reached out to berate me after the surgery, it opened up a chance to reconnect.  Seeing how things played out, I kind of wish she didn’t reach out that day.  It probably would have saved me some grief and helped me recover more quickly?  I went no contact again after I was fairly certain she was going to go on a date on New Years Eve.  I didn’t expect she would be in a full blown relationship with the guy so quickly, but I’m glad I went no contact before I found that part out.  I won’t initiate contact with her, but it would be hard to resist if she reaches out to me.  I think I’m safe for a while.  I can’t imagine she will break up with the new guy before Valentine’s Day, and then she has a 40th birthday in March.  Can’t break up before that.  So I think I’ve got a couple months to heal and get strong enough to not care if/when she cycles back to me. 
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