Wanting some advice...

[Sunshine1111]

I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. I always knew that he was different where emotions were concerned, as he would get rapid mood swings, I walk on eggshells a lot, and he just felt things SO strongly. However-- we were as close as two people could get.. physically and emotionally. The connection we have we both agree is unlike anything else. We are BEST friends. We can talk about hours from truly deep emotional and painful things from our past, to being goofy and laughing, to the type of lovemaking that people only DREAM about.
After a really bad episode recently I ended up leaving him for a few days and it was like he "snapped" out of it. He finally is acknowledging that he has BPD and doing research and making strides to get help and counseling, and wants to get couples counseling. He did all of this before I said I would come back--to show that he is taking the initiative to do this and not just saying it. He says he doesn't want to be this way anymore and doesn't want to keep sabotaging his life and all the good that is in it. This all occurred last week and he is still trying to find a therapist that is available and accepts his insurance-- but we have been doing some research together. He thinks that the last several months he was in a severe state of dissociation from a particularly traumatic trigger from the end of July 21. Basically there are alot of triggers that kept happening in succession but it was in regard to his children- his ex wife basically just flipped a switch and decided to move away with them. He went from having this consistent time with them to barely seeing them. He is starting to see that his ex wife ONLY knows the triggered side of him and has been using to his advantage this whole time. She told his 8 year old son that "if daddy wanted to see you more, he'd move closer." ALL he has been doing for the last 5 years is chasing her to be closer to them. Before that we were doing SO well. He still had his (what I didn't know at the time) was his bpd cycles but we always were able to REALLY communicate at the end of it. Since then it has just gotten harder...and harder...and harder for him to open up and communicate. He admitted he became resentful. It got to the point I felt like I couldn't do anything right. I was walking on eggshells constantly and he was pushing me away. He was so incredibly hyperfocused on his children and taking his ex back to court and he was SO ANGRY and SO HURT all the time. He would cry when he didn't have them, and he'd cry when he did have them. He felt like he HAD to move closer but he was struggling because my children live in the school district we are in now. I tried talking to him about this because I was seeing what was happening. I saw he was going down the rabbit hole, I saw that he was like this huge ball of nervous energy whenever his kids were involved. I even told him that I thought getting some counseling to help deal with all this emotion regarding his kids might help-- All he got out of what I was trying to tell him was that I wanted him to pick between them and me.
I want to note that when he first got married he was in the military and did 3 tours and his children were small. His ex wife has made sure to make him believe that she has more rights to her children because he wasn't physically there.
He admits that he literally BELIEVED that I HATED him. It wasn't just with me either, but work. The day after our big conversation- He ended up meeting another woman while getting a haircut, actively seeking her out on social media- and talking to her, flirting with her, planning to meet up with her. He talked to her for about 3 weeks before I found out. He says it was all fluff and that he wasn't really there but it hurts non the less. After all of this it has really opened my eyes and it has been SO difficult.
I am trying to support him because I do believe he does truly love me, and I think he did get into this point of no return with his negative thoughts (or his bully I call it) I understand its a coping mechanism. I will do the counseling with him, I will do what I can to help him but I am scared. I am scared that it will happen again. I don't know how to process what is him and what is BPD. I know him SO well and it frustrates him sometimes. I read his body language, not what he says. I do believe he was in a dissociated state since our conversation-- I think it was his breaking point. When we were talking and I reminded him of before he knew the kids were leaving-- how happy we were. It wasn't perfect, and he still cycled but we got through it. He still battled-- more than he should have-- but we really were PARTNERS. He started balling and said "I FORGOT. I ACTUALLY FORGOT. WE WERE HAPPY. OH GOD I AM SO SORRY. IM SO SORRY FOR DOING THIS TO YOU."
I am trying to basically figure out-- I know I am his FP. At least I was, and I am again-- maybe not in the the last month. I do think he loves me..but this has really taken a toll on my self esteem, and my self worth. I am SO conflicted because I know that I love him..THE REAL him- and I know he has a disease. My daughter has OCD and he is no different than her when she has a meltdown because of germs.
But...I also know that pwBPD idealize and devalue. How do I know when what he is saying to me is genuine or not? The only time I can tell 100% is in rare moments of deep intimacy-- and I am not just talking about sex. Its what he and I call "our bubbled" where its just him, and me, and safe and home. He admitted he wanted me to break up with him. I could tell in what he was saying to the other woman that he wanted validation that I truly was as awful as his BPD was making him think. But I can't tell if he is just holding on to me because of the BPD and because his mind is telling him that his life is easier with me because I am the only one that has been able to understand him even remotely- or is it for his kids who love me, and my kids who love him- is it for the fact that we are stable, have gotten bills under wrap? Is it because he doesn't want to be a failure. I don't know what is for him, and what is for US.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

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[Destiny 37]

Hey I don’t have loads of advice but I wanted to let you know you are not alone in your feelings. A lot of what you have said resonates with me and the rollercoaster is draining. You are left second guessing what you did wrong, is it your fault, how can you cope with this kind of life and every other thought that comes along with being in a relationship with BPD.

I will say though with regards to his ex wife she probably did move to get away from him. As harsh as that sounds but it’s draining having children with someone who has BPD. I often have times I wish I could escape with my children and never see him again. My husband accuses me of turning the kids against him which I’ve never done, so you may need to take whatever her says about her with a pinch of salt. Of course I could be completely wrong and she could have issues of her own. I can only say what my own experience is and how someone else may feel similar to me.

He probably does resent you. I get resentment thrown at me from years ago still to this day. I’ve found my husband twists so much in his mind and also adds in bits to a story that never happened.

More experienced members who are further along will hopefully respond with more hope than I’ve given. Sorry if I seem doom and gloom but wanted to let you know I relate to so much of what you have said. It’s all so confusing and the feelings of does this personal genuinely love me and are they capable of real love is something I’ve felt many times.

[Jabiru]

Hi and welcome You've made a great step in sharing and seeking help.

The two ideas in my mind when reading your post were, (1) for pwBPD, their emotions are reality. This colors their memories about other people, so I'd take whatever's said with a grain of salt. There's probably truth in what's said, but it may be exaggerated here and there. A relationship with a pwBPD is a kind of special needs relationship, so you'll want to really think about it deep inside yourself if you're ok with that. (2) BPD is a serious condition not to be taken lightly. However, it isn't a valid excuse to do anything you want and then blame it on that. What boundaries or limits do you have with how he'll treat you? Or in general, how anyone will treat you? Are you ok with affair(s)? Are you ok with walking on eggshells because of FOG (fear, obligation, guilt)? How would your ideal relationship look like? Being too lenient would end up enabling his bad behaviors. These are all difficult questions that many of us here have personally dealt with.

If you haven't read it, I'd recommend Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist. It's what really helped me to stand up for what I want in my life and relationship.

Any thoughts or questions? Next steps?

[formflier]

Hey there Sunshine1111

I want to join Unicorn85 and Jabiru in welcoming you and thanking you for your introductory post.

The good news is that he appears to be taking steps on his own to get counseling.  I would encourage you to limit...yes I said limit...your help and "doing it together".

Express confidence in him and ask him about what he has done and plans to do...limit your suggestions.

Many aspects of BPD can appear to be "immaturity"...no better way to mature than taking care of yourself.  Imagine how proud he will feel when he "does it all himself".

Switching gears

Couples counseling is an area to tread lightly.  Most likely best for him to establish in therapy and then get the opinion of his therapist if couples therapy is appropriate at the moment.

Let the professionals guide you.

Best,

FF