Getting off the roller coaster

[Ellala]

Hi, I am new here. Reading all your sharings has been really helpful. I am not sure if my ex (E)has BPD, or BPD tendencies, I just know the relationship and breakup have left me feeling wrecked and looking for understanding and a way through this pain.

We met at the end of July. The first 4 months were amazing. The emotional intimacy,  level of appreciation, love, communication, care and concern for each over were unlike anything I had experienced before. E said he felt like "the most fortunate man on this earth" and I felt like the most adored woman. My friends and family liked him. We laughed together, shared deeply, had similar tastes in food, music, style, activities, values, and waited a couple of months before being sexually intimate. He called me his woman and committed to being monogamous, working through challenges with me, to being vulnerable, growing together, etc. Our romance felt magical and mature at the same time… so I never saw what was coming.

For two months we'd been planning to travel together.  7 days before our trip was to start, he became cold, like a different person and broke up - saying he was only in love with the idea of me and he never felt comfortable with me. It made no sense. He felt like a robot. So cruel and calculated. All the love we shared was gone in one minute.  I was in shock.

A week later I received an apology expressing his remorse, how mortified he was with himself and for how he had hurt me, and how I deserved better.  He expressed how much inner conflict he was experiencing in himself and eventually shared he wanted to make up for his actions with a trip. The weirdness started 5 minutes from the airport… he got triggered when I was talking with him while he was driving and totally shut down for almost the whole night. The next day he was in tears about how he had reacted. I let it go and focused on making the best of the trip.

There was more weirdness with E pressuring me to book a return ticket and then 2 days later asking if I would cancel it to travel longer, which I did. And the following day he acted like he didn't want me there. (I told him I wanted to feel connected at that point and he actually came back and was very loving and present with me).

I experienced a roller coaster of connection and love then distance or aggressive language/mocking/criticism followed by an IMMEDIATE apology, then shame and his sincere attempts to be less reactive.  He kept telling me his tone and anger were not my fault and he was committed to treating me with the love and respect I deserved.
After he became harsh, he would sometimes cry and express how much shame he felt. I did my best to be compassionate and set boundaries around behaviors that did not feel respectful (and he actually responded well in the moment, but then would get triggered again in the next day or so).  

The sweetness of being together, the laughter, the tenderness, the simplicity of sharing food and walks, romantic kisses, holding hands, making love, followed by the harsh and unexpected anger, distance and resentment became nauseating. It started to feel a bit much for me with all the push-pull/ up and down and I started to call him out of the cycles before he spiraled down, which he didn't like (although agreed he was doing it).

One day he told me he needed space ASAP and I booked another ticket home. He was quite reactive  (and by that point, so was i) and he said things like he Didn’t care if he ever saw me again (which crushed my heart) and that he believed he was toxic. Later he apologized for his reactivity and saying he never wanted to see me again. We found a soft space and made love before I left and were both in tears at the airport expressing our love for one another.

It wasnt clear to me whether we were Broken up or taking space… I definitely didn’t think that would be the last time we talked. I arrived home feeling confused and kinda scrambled… we texted for a week or two before I said I’d love to talk. He was hesitant to talk.  When I expressed I was confused about the relationship status,  his texts became cold, condescending and he kept repeating he had been clear and direct the day before the trip ended, we were done - no more intimacy (even though we had intimacy after) and that nothing would make him change his mind and he would not rehash the past (despite doing that himself).  I had wanted a conversation to end the relationship in a mature way. I still believed he was capable of this…. but the texts over the last three weeks have gone from idealizing me and how grateful he is for our time together to treating me like I am child and projecting/assuming that I won't accept his decision to break up back to appreciations.

E showed a fair amount of self awareness and effort not to hurt me and get on top of his reactivity while we were together.. but he said in a moment of defiance/reactivity that at this point in his life, he didn't want to do the work needed to be in relationship… so I can see a relationship with him is not sustainable. All the things E loved and appreciated about me in the beginning, he later mocked and criticized me for. He even made fun of my dancing (and I get a lot of compliments for my dancing and it is one of my most valued forms of expression).

I never felt like I understood why he broke up (twice) despite all the love, appreciation, care,  and laughter we shared. Was it because he knew he couldn't treat me right… he didn't feel deserving of my love, he didnt want to learn emotional regulation, or feel comfortable with all the triggers he felt the closer we got… all the above? something else? I could feel his love. The empathy he showed for me. I felt a genuine connection and deep love for him which is what makes this all the more painful.

It was like watching a tragedy… E sabotaged our connection, pushed me away, and then cried that he didn't feel deserving of my love and rejected me… crying saying he loves me and didn't think he could be in relationship. what drama.

I have no idea if he is with another woman and I don't want to know.  With how much suffering he experienced being in love, I don't imagine so.. but who knows. He was single for 5 years before we had met.

I didn't respond to his last two texts…. in which he was checking in on me, making sure he didnt hurt me with his previous text, expressing how he cares about me.  He reaffirmed his decision not to be in relationship, but went on about how much he appreciates me and what I gave him. In one text I felt the push pull.  I didn't respond because I feel like I am barely keeping my head above water and I am incredibly hurt. And I don't want to lie to him and I can't be vulnerable. I no longer feel he cares for my feelings and I don't feel safe sharing them. And I am in no place to be a caretaker or source of emotional stability for him (which I realize I was during the first few months of our relationship).  

Thanks for reading all this. It feels good to write it out. I haven't been able to sleep well for the last month, I wake up with anxiety, and generally feel  hopeless. Burned. For the first time in my life I understand why some people choose just to be single.   I know I deserve a more loving relationship. It feels like a lot to get back to my joyful self… my heart feels shattered.  I am doing a lot of positive things for healing this, and while it's still fresh (it's been a month since I saw him), I am open to anything that will help this process along….

[NotAHero]

Hi, I am new here. Reading all your sharings has been really helpful. I am not sure if my ex (E)has BPD, or BPD tendencies, I just know the relationship and breakup have left me feeling wrecked and looking for understanding and a way through this pain.

We met at the end of July. The first 4 months were amazing. The emotional intimacy,  level of appreciation, love, communication, care and concern for each over were unlike anything I had experienced before. E said he felt like "the most fortunate man on this earth" and I felt like the most adored woman. My friends and family liked him. We laughed together, shared deeply, had similar tastes in food, music, style, activities, values, and waited a couple of months before being sexually intimate. He called me his woman and committed to being monogamous, working through challenges with me, to being vulnerable, growing together, etc. Our romance felt magical and mature at the same time… so I never saw what was coming.

For two months we'd been planning to travel together.  7 days before our trip was to start, he became cold, like a different person and broke up - saying he was only in love with the idea of me and he never felt comfortable with me. It made no sense. He felt like a robot. So cruel and calculated. All the love we shared was gone in one minute.  I was in shock.

A week later I received an apology expressing his remorse, how mortified he was with himself and for how he had hurt me, and how I deserved better.  He expressed how much inner conflict he was experiencing in himself and eventually shared he wanted to make up for his actions with a trip. The weirdness started 5 minutes from the airport… he got triggered when I was talking with him while he was driving and totally shut down for almost the whole night. The next day he was in tears about how he had reacted. I let it go and focused on making the best of the trip.

There was more weirdness with E pressuring me to book a return ticket and then 2 days later asking if I would cancel it to travel longer, which I did. And the following day he acted like he didn't want me there. (I told him I wanted to feel connected at that point and he actually came back and was very loving and present with me).

I experienced a roller coaster of connection and love then distance or aggressive language/mocking/criticism followed by an IMMEDIATE apology, then shame and his sincere attempts to be less reactive.  He kept telling me his tone and anger were not my fault and he was committed to treating me with the love and respect I deserved.
After he became harsh, he would sometimes cry and express how much shame he felt. I did my best to be compassionate and set boundaries around behaviors that did not feel respectful (and he actually responded well in the moment, but then would get triggered again in the next day or so).  

The sweetness of being together, the laughter, the tenderness, the simplicity of sharing food and walks, romantic kisses, holding hands, making love, followed by the harsh and unexpected anger, distance and resentment became nauseating. It started to feel a bit much for me with all the push-pull/ up and down and I started to call him out of the cycles before he spiraled down, which he didn't like (although agreed he was doing it).

One day he told me he needed space ASAP and I booked another ticket home. He was quite reactive  (and by that point, so was i) and he said things like he Didn’t care if he ever saw me again (which crushed my heart) and that he believed he was toxic. Later he apologized for his reactivity and saying he never wanted to see me again. We found a soft space and made love before I left and were both in tears at the airport expressing our love for one another.

It wasnt clear to me whether we were Broken up or taking space… I definitely didn’t think that would be the last time we talked. I arrived home feeling confused and kinda scrambled… we texted for a week or two before I said I’d love to talk. He was hesitant to talk.  When I expressed I was confused about the relationship status,  his texts became cold, condescending and he kept repeating he had been clear and direct the day before the trip ended, we were done - no more intimacy (even though we had intimacy after) and that nothing would make him change his mind and he would not rehash the past (despite doing that himself).  I had wanted a conversation to end the relationship in a mature way. I still believed he was capable of this…. but the texts over the last three weeks have gone from idealizing me and how grateful he is for our time together to treating me like I am child and projecting/assuming that I won't accept his decision to break up back to appreciations.

E showed a fair amount of self awareness and effort not to hurt me and get on top of his reactivity while we were together.. but he said in a moment of defiance/reactivity that at this point in his life, he didn't want to do the work needed to be in relationship… so I can see a relationship with him is not sustainable. All the things E loved and appreciated about me in the beginning, he later mocked and criticized me for. He even made fun of my dancing (and I get a lot of compliments for my dancing and it is one of my most valued forms of expression).

I never felt like I understood why he broke up (twice) despite all the love, appreciation, care,  and laughter we shared. Was it because he knew he couldn't treat me right… he didn't feel deserving of my love, he didnt want to learn emotional regulation, or feel comfortable with all the triggers he felt the closer we got… all the above? something else? I could feel his love. The empathy he showed for me. I felt a genuine connection and deep love for him which is what makes this all the more painful.

It was like watching a tragedy… E sabotaged our connection, pushed me away, and then cried that he didn't feel deserving of my love and rejected me… crying saying he loves me and didn't think he could be in relationship. what drama.

I have no idea if he is with another woman and I don't want to know.  With how much suffering he experienced being in love, I don't imagine so.. but who knows. He was single for 5 years before we had met.

I didn't respond to his last two texts…. in which he was checking in on me, making sure he didnt hurt me with his previous text, expressing how he cares about me.  He reaffirmed his decision not to be in relationship, but went on about how much he appreciates me and what I gave him. In one text I felt the push pull.  I didn't respond because I feel like I am barely keeping my head above water and I am incredibly hurt. And I don't want to lie to him and I can't be vulnerable. I no longer feel he cares for my feelings and I don't feel safe sharing them. And I am in no place to be a caretaker or source of emotional stability for him (which I realize I was during the first few months of our relationship).  

Thanks for reading all this. It feels good to write it out. I haven't been able to sleep well for the last month, I wake up with anxiety, and generally feel  hopeless. Burned. For the first time in my life I understand why some people choose just to be single.   I know I deserve a more loving relationship. It feels like a lot to get back to my joyful self… my heart feels shattered.  I am doing a lot of positive things for healing this, and while it's still fresh (it's been a month since I saw him), I am open to anything that will help this process along….

 Sorry it happened to you and you are feeling down. On a bright note: Short relationship no kids, consider yourself lucky. Cut your losses and take time for yourself. Rebuild and move on.

[harbinger70]

Hey. You and I definitely had a similar experience although yours lasted over two months longer than mine. You responded to my story, I’ll return the favor.

It sounds like BPD from all the stories and medical journals I’ve read in the past couple of months. It varies by person in severity and how the BPD individual acts. My ex went from warm to cold but luckily never engaged in sabotaging behavior like E did to you (which is a very common thing among people with the disorder). Your ex seems to be cognizant that there’s something wrong with how he handles relationships, but still can’t change his behavior.

My ex also claimed to have been single for 6 years. Your ex said 5. And yet, something tells me they were lying to us. Odds are they had boyfriends/girlfriends and they were simply short-lived, like our experiences were with them. I should’ve stopped looking at my ex’s social media s long time ago, I wouldn’t have seen her with her new boyfriend. However, it helped me see how fast she moved on, and significantly helped me understand that she most likely suffered from BPD. I think your ex definitely has the same disorder based on what you’ve said.

You will meet someone better sooner than you think. Take time to heal and NEVER BLAME YOURSELF. You did everything right and were compassionate, patient, and loving. That’s how every good partner should behave in a relationship. E has a mental disorder and will struggle with all of his future relationships until/unless he gets serious professional help and makes legit attempts to change. We both dodged a bullet. It’s hard to see it right now but we really did. Ignore his texts. And someday maybe you can respond and say you hope he’s doing ok. But not now.

[Ellala]

It sounds like BPD from all the stories and medical journals I’ve read in the past couple of months. It varies by person in severity and how the BPD individual acts. My ex went from warm to cold but luckily never engaged in sabotaging behavior like E did to you (which is a very common thing among people with the disorder). Your ex seems to be cognizant that there’s something wrong with how he handles relationships, but still can’t change his behavior.

Thanks for the compassionate response. If E hadn't been open to connecting after the initial cold discard and invited me to travel, I would have never seen the sabotaging behaviors. After the initial break up, I was at such a loss, it didn't make any sense, I was so confused and concerned for him. It was only after I saw the sabotaging behaviors/out of place aggression/etc that I began to understand the nature of his illness.

My ex also claimed to have been single for 6 years. Your ex said 5. And yet, something tells me they were lying to us. Odds are they had boyfriends/girlfriends and they were simply short-lived, like our experiences were with them. I should’ve stopped looking at my ex’s social media s long time ago, I wouldn’t have seen her with her new boyfriend. However, it helped me see how fast she moved on, and significantly helped me understand that she most likely suffered from BPD. I think your ex definitely has the same disorder based on what you’ve said.

I understand this dilemma. A part of me wishes I never went on the trip or reconnected after E first broke up… but then I would have just been pining for a man who I thought was healthy and had just gotten scared or that I had done something to turn him off.  I have considered E may have been romancing another woman/women online during the time we were together … He said, as odd as it sounded, he thought his ideal relationship would be one with just texting/email. The trust was broken so I have questioned everything.

You will meet someone better sooner than you think. Take time to heal and NEVER BLAME YOURSELF. You did everything right and were compassionate, patient, and loving. That’s how every good partner should behave in a relationship. E has a mental disorder and will struggle with all of his future relationships until/unless he gets serious professional help and makes legit attempts to change. We both dodged a bullet. It’s hard to see it right now but we really did. Ignore his texts. And someday maybe you can respond and say you hope he’s doing ok. But not now.

Thank you for this. Yes, I just keep thinking how much worse this could've been if it was a year or 5 or more into the relationship. E was married for 5 years and shared his ex tried to commit suicide after they split… now I wonder if their relationship dynamics added to the ex's instability… I read in some extreme cases people can threaten suicide to get an ex back. E had made it seem like he was the victim to her alcoholism.  

I have so much compassion for the heart ache of people who love/loved someone with this illness. This board has been a real eye opener. We are definitely not alone.  I also feel for the people who have this illness… and live with such pain, fear, and confusion. Such suffering.