Mirroring anger

[T0M]

Is this a good idea?

My Gf with BPD got every emotion out of me when she is in one of her downs.

In the beginning, I wasnt understanding what was going on. And I was firing questions at her. Than I tried to reason her out of her thoughts, than I was trying to prove she was wrong (showing my cell phone, opening my facebook (she constantly thinks I'm cheating on her). After a few months, I was in a faze that I cried.  I guess after that period I went silent, waiting for it to go away. For a short time I sarcastically agreed with everything she said. But noting seemed to get her out of the mental spiral she was in.

But lately I just become angry with her. And that seem to 'shock' her out of this spiral. She starts crying than, and my hart breaks. But when she notices that I want to hold her when she is sad, she starts the blaming all over again. So just staying angry for long enough seem to be the best way to manage at the moment. At least, I feel best when I take back my dignity by becoming angry.

Now, this sounds like it was a conscious process. But it was not. This is describing the last year or so. And I do realize this is not a long term solution. Or is it?

T.

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[15years]

Interesting angle, and I understand that this might work for a while. If your partner is like mine she might get submissive if you show great "overt" emotions. And maybe your anger makes her feel safe in a strange way. My wife has told me that one part of her really would love an abusive partner. Lately though she says I've been abusive but still...

I'm not sure it's good for either one of you. If you start using anger as a strategy you're not staying true to yourself and if she later starts blaming you for being emotionally abusive you might feel very guilty. She might realize she's been afraid of you and she'll never stop blaming you for being abusive and you will become afraid of showing any anger or similar emotions.

But if you're angry, you shouldn't hide it either but maybe not lash out at her. Everything is easier if you stay true to yourself. Problem with anger is when you have released it, you could feel terrible if you said or did something you don't stand for.

Instead maybe you could deal with your anger by setting boundaries. Maybe someone more experienced on this forum could give you some advice about that.

[Seeleygirl]

Is this a good idea?

Than I tried to reason her out of her thoughts

I find this never works with my pwBPD. When he’s wound up he literally can’t hear a word I say - all he hears are words and assumes you are yelling at him and/or telling him he’s wrong. Even if I talk in a calm manner he doesn’t notice the difference. Any words at this point are yelling to him. The only strategy that works for me so far is to just go silent. I don’t leave the room or anything I just kind of ignore what he’s said and after a moment, if he too has been silent I change the subject. I suspect this works for him because he knows he’s BPD and knows that his reactions aren’t always rational, but he just feels they are true with every ounce of his body. So if I try and engage he always, always, always defends them. But if I’m quiet and don’t say anything, it’s like he sees a way out of potentially being told that he’s wrong and he often takes it (if that makes any sense?). Back at the beginning of our relationship when these “arguments” first started happening (I don’t like calling them arguments because they were always a case of him assuming I was telling him something that wasn’t true and me trying to convince him otherwise), he told me more than once “you have to let me get out of an argument with my pride intact”. Which to him I think means that, even if you prove him wrong he can’t possibly admit to it, so you have to give him a way out of the argument without forcing him to admit he’s wrong. Sounds a little ridiculous right? But to him it’s the only way he can operate - he had a very abusive upbringing and many fights with his father and stepmother so with his black and white thinking he’s afraid that admitting he’s wrong in ANY argument means he could have been wrong back then too. I find that being quiet kind of gives him a heads up that this is not an argument he wants to get into so he backs out of it with his self-respect intact before it even starts. Don’t get me wrong it’s really hard to do but it’s better than getting into an argument with him.
Hope that helps.

[sweetheart]

Hello Tom,

You end your post by asking is staying angry as a way of controlling your gf behaviour a long term solution. In short, no it’s not.
What really matters in a relationship with someone who has BPD or difficulty regulating their emotions is that your behaviour and responses toward them are calm and that your emotions are regulated and an honest reflection of how you are feeling. And yes this is difficult not easy as you highlight in your post.

What started for you perhaps as you said an unconscious emotional defence against the accusations and insecurities that could not be calmed or soothed through reassurance from you; is now a conscious behaviour control strategy because it sounds like you feel you have no other tools at your disposal.

Apart from being angry in the face of your gf downs what could you do that doesn’t include trying to fix her behaviour? And also for you to stop being angry toward her.

So could you calmly say I’m going out for a while, get a coffee go for a walk, drive so she has nothing to react against. Take some time for you. It’s ok to say ‘I’m just going out I will be back in a while when things have calmed down.’
Sometimes in my relationship with my now expwBPD I might change the subject to something like making a drink, snack, can I get you a thing from the shops. This can sometimes short circuit the dysregulation if it hasn’t gone too far. I repeat Sometimes.
In your relationship you will notice little warning signs that your gf is starting to dysregulated, what are they, what are you noticing?
Sustaining a relationship with someone who has BPD is knowing that these cycling behaviours are part of the disorder and finding a way through them that is emotionally healthy for you is key. It is crucial that for us the ones who do not have BPD that we model emotionally healthy behaviours or begin to explore what these behaviours can look like as a way forward.

I will leave you with a question, if anger is your go to response with your gf, where do you go to next if this also stops working?

[T0M]

Thanks all, for the responses.

I guess you are right. What if anger doesn't work anymore...?

I only recently found out she has BPD - up to then I just thought it was so unfair that she seemed to have complete freedom in insulting and hurting me. Finding myself a loser because I was putting up with it.

The thing is with leaving, it also makes her turning around 180°. If i say this is not something I'm willing to 'ignore', throwing things at me or breaking stuff, and that I'm leaving, she becomes a clinging 5 year old. Crying and saying she will change, and that I'm the only one that matters. And I'm a big sucker for tears. If I see her crying my hart breaks and I cant leave.
 Maybe I should mention indeed that I will be back.

It sounds and feels like a trick, not genuine to what I'm feeling at the moment, but I will see if this helps the both of us.

ps. I'm at page 108 in the book 'stop walking on eggshells' :-)