Early-morning Meltdown - A case study

[NonnyMouse]

I wake up 90 minutes ago, in my separate bedroom, and go into the kitchen. Unusually, uBPDw is already awake (I usually have to wake her) and she is making the children's packed lunches (also unusual). She looks grumpy. I offer to help. Obviously a mistake, but only a small one, she scowls at me and says no. A few minutes later I stupidly point out that son doesn't like cheese sandwiches. (She wouldn't know this since I make the lunches and also clean up their lunchboxes when they get home so I know what they do and don't like.) She loses control. From zero to 60 in 4.5 seconds. Throws food in bin. Crockery thrown in dishwasher and sink. (Nothing broken this time.) I think I should be recording this, even if just audio, but wasn't able to do this discretely. Shouting, she says she doesn't want to take the children to school. Doesn't want to be their mother any longer. And more. All in front of the children. In my head  I'm thinking of all the things I would have said in the past, about overreacting, about it not being a criticism, and so on. But I know now to keep quiet. I look at my watch and tell myself it will all be over in ten minutes if I can just keep my mouth shut. She is ranting. I am eating breakfast with our children. I don't look at her, I don't speak to her, I act as if she isn't even in the room. Ten minutes and she starts to quieten down. I find my moment and I'm in there with SET. Support, Empathy Truth.

For five of those ten minutes I'd been planning my SET sentences. Support was "I never want you to feel criticized. I'm sorry." Empathy was "You felt criticized, I would have too." Truth...I'm stuck, I can't think of anything. (I find this happens most of the time, one of the three escapes me. Usually it's the Support though.)

I keep repeating those two sentences to her, with slight variations, for about a minute. It's strange how she accepts repetition like this. And then it's all over. Calm returns! She will take the children to school.

(She says that she had woken up all happy and pleased with her early start. Whaaaat? The person I saw in the kitchen was already in a bad mood. This was a different reality from what I saw.)

In the past this could have lasted hours or all day even, had I reacted 'naturally.'

She speaks to her therapist in a few minutes. Will she remember this incident and tell the therapist? I doubt it. The therapist doesn't know what she's like therefore. I actually have a suspicion that her therapist thinks she has C-PTSD. Thst's understandable but wrong, I think. And this might not be good. I read that treating pwBPD as if they have C-PTSD can make things worse since they rehash childhood traumas.

Anyway, I thought it would be interesting to write this down here in almost real time!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[FirstSteps]

That's really incredible that the SET worked - and encouraging.  I've also been trying it with my uPWDw and I am getting it thrown back at me that I'm "just giving a Hallmark card".  And my truth never seems concrete enough.

My wife has self-diagnosed with C-PTSD and I share your concerns.  I do think she has it, actually, but it seems super dangerous to just focus on C-PTSD and not acknowledge the BPD. 

How do your children relate to all this?  I've just finished reading Raising Resilient Children and it's helped me so much in how I'm focusing on them: https://www.amazon.com/Raising-Resilient-Children-Borderline-Narcissistic-ebook/dp/B08V8X4SP2

[NonnyMouse]

I don't know how the children are coping. Six-year old son is quite aggressive, I don't know whether that's related. And 10-year old daughter is becoming quite manipulative. I've read (all) the books but still not sure about how to keep the children "normal." I play with them a lot, uBPDw hardly ever. And lots of hugs from me!

[FirstSteps]

Seems like you're doing what we're all supposed to.  I think my two kids were more or less insulated until we were all in the same house 24/7 during the pandemic, which was a relative success for a year and then a slow motion disaster.

My daughter seemed quite ok for years but it's clear now - at 15 - that she's got serious issues, though thankfully not BPD it seems.  I think my biggest fail was not acknowledging to them that what their mother was doing was "not ok" when it all went off the rails.  I shudder to think how I used to force her to engage with her very not-rational mother. 

[thankful person]

Thanks for sharing your case study nonny mouse. It does sound like you’re doing really well! I’ve also found that while my wife is ranting I’m quietly reflecting on what is the best way to respond… and this has several benefits:
(1) I keep my mouth shut for a while.
(2) I have (hopefully) a good response ready.
(3) The whole process takes my mind off feeling personally attacked by her rants, which I used to find so stressful.
But yes, I also get in trouble for saying something (like about the cheese sandwich), when I know I’m supposed to let her learn for herself. But when it involves the kids then I generally do say something. I’m an experienced childcare professional and she’s a brand new mum. It’s certainly been challenging.

[T0M]

So recognizable.

My girlfriend who is divorced, once asked me and her daughter (9 years old)  if we wanted french fries or if she should make something. We both enthusiastically answered: 'French fries!' She exploded, saying we don not want her food, that if we wanted french fries, we would have to go and get them ourselves, that it was never good enough, that her daughter should stay with her ex, and not come over again... Than she ran off crying.

I told her she should go and apologize to her daughter, but she refused at first. After a while she sat next to her daughter but could not even apologize. She was saying, I don't know why I need to sit here.

It was a very strange situation.

But it are indeed the very small things, if you let your guard down for a second, that always chatter me.

[zondolit]

Nice job staying calm despite the storm and using SET! How are you feeling about the interaction?

[NonnyMouse]

Nice job staying calm despite the storm and using SET! How are you feeling about the interaction?

It feels good! I've been doing this for a while now and it almost always works. I just wanted to give a real-time example, along with my accompanying thought processes, to encourage others!

[fisher101]

It's great that she calmed down, but does this method in some ways incentivize the abusive behavior?

[Cat Familiar]

It's great that she calmed down, but does this method in some ways incentivize the abusive behavior?

No, instead it cuts down the length of the outburst. When pwBPD are dysregulating, they have very little control of themselves. If we support (this doesn’t mean agree) their feelings, they feel understood and can get back to equilibrium sooner.

Good work, NonnyMouse    The only thing I would have done differently is to omit the apology, as you did nothing wrong.

[NonnyMouse]

Good point!