Husband with BPD Caught Cheating

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

This is  a huge post. I guess I am using this forum as a bit of a journal, but maybe my story will sounds familiar and maybe someone on the other side of leaving a BPD can offer advice...

My husband was diagnosed with BPD/ADHD/Depression/Anxiety approximately 2 years ago. We've been married 15 years and together for 17. Our marriage has been incredibly rocky for the last 5-6 years. We've done some counseling as a couple over the years and since his diagnosis he has done 2 group programs (one DBT) and sees his counselor fairly regularly. Over the 6-8 months things really started to deteriorate in our relationship. We were essentially just co-existing and co-parenting. We started going to couples counseling in October and initially he seemed very disengaged and even suggested that he wanted to separate a few times, but then quickly changing his mind and saying "he wasn't sure". From my point of view I was always open to working on the marriage if he was invested as well because we have 2 kids and his entire family lives in Australia (we are in Canada). Being aware of his serious mental health issues I've always wanted to try to work through them and be present because he is very isolated (no family or friends).

On December 12th he left to go to Australia for a month to see his family. The borders had just opened up a bit and I thought since he'd been so low it would be good to "re-charge his batteries" even though I was also a little hurt that he was willing to spend xmas away from his kids (8 and 13). The time he was gone was actually fairly pleasant. Kids and I developed a groove and they didn't even really seem to miss him. It was quite peaceful and I was proud of myself for managing everything on my own. However I was disturbed by how little he would attempt to contact us and how, at times when he should be available, he was unresponsive to my messages. When we first started dating I caught him in sexual online relationships with several women which almost broke us up, but at the time he admitted that he was cheating and committed to never doing it again. He was always fairly transparent with me after that and would say that he was being faithful anytime I checked in. However the behaviour was triggering and I asked him (behaving as though I had evidence) whether he had been talking to women online. He admitted he had and over the last few weeks I've learned that he is on several fetish websites, paid for webcam girls and even paid a woman to text him and pretend to be his girlfriend. It is truly appalling and I feel crushed and deeply saddened, particularly because when we entered into marriage counseling we were told that we would need to disclose infidelity and he did not...essentially wasting more of my time and our money.

I have to say that our counselor is phenomenal. She is skilled in BPD and has been using the Goettman Method when it comes to our couples counseling. He is home again now staying in our basement and 1 day out since isolating. Things are horrible. He says he doesn't love me but he wants to be friends. In order to be comfortable having him in the house I need him to demonstrate his remorsefulness and be transparent in his activities (this is recommended to heal). If I am being honest I want so badly to be comforted right now. I am at such a horrible low point. Instead he continues to assert that I have treated him so badly over the last few months/years that he cannot apologise to me without me apologising to him first. Initially he was fairly sorry/apologetic but now it is as though that phase is done. If he is going to stay here while we figure things out, which would be nice financially, our kids and actually building friendship, I need to find a way to be comfortable with him. He is now at his worst however and it is distressing.

I think I need to ask him to leave and I think if he is alone he may very well take his life (he has tried before). Right now he is so defensive that he is treating me horribly though and I just can't take it. He is erratic and it is scary. It is like I know what I need to do but it too terrifying.

[Penny_Lane]

This is  a huge post. I guess I am using this forum as a bit of a journal, but maybe my story will sounds familiar and maybe someone on the other side of leaving a BPD can offer advice...

My husband was diagnosed with BPD/ADHD/Depression/Anxiety approximately 2 years ago. We've been married 15 years and together for 17. Our marriage has been incredibly rocky for the last 5-6 years. We've done some counseling as a couple over the years and since his diagnosis he has done 2 group programs (one DBT) and sees his counselor fairly regularly. Over the 6-8 months things really started to deteriorate in our relationship. We were essentially just co-existing and co-parenting. We started going to couples counseling in October and initially he seemed very disengaged and even suggested that he wanted to separate a few times, but then quickly changing his mind and saying "he wasn't sure". From my point of view I was always open to working on the marriage if he was invested as well because we have 2 kids and his entire family lives in Australia (we are in Canada). Being aware of his serious mental health issues I've always wanted to try to work through them and be present because he is very isolated (no family or friends).

On December 12th he left to go to Australia for a month to see his family. The borders had just opened up a bit and I thought since he'd been so low it would be good to "re-charge his batteries" even though I was also a little hurt that he was willing to spend xmas away from his kids (8 and 13). The time he was gone was actually fairly pleasant. Kids and I developed a groove and they didn't even really seem to miss him. It was quite peaceful and I was proud of myself for managing everything on my own. However I was disturbed by how little he would attempt to contact us and how, at times when he should be available, he was unresponsive to my messages. When we first started dating I caught him in sexual online relationships with several women which almost broke us up, but at the time he admitted that he was cheating and committed to never doing it again. He was always fairly transparent with me after that and would say that he was being faithful anytime I checked in. However the behaviour was triggering and I asked him (behaving as though I had evidence) whether he had been talking to women online. He admitted he had and over the last few weeks I've learned that he is on several fetish websites, paid for webcam girls and even paid a woman to text him and pretend to be his girlfriend. It is truly appalling and I feel crushed and deeply saddened, particularly because when we entered into marriage counseling we were told that we would need to disclose infidelity and he did not...essentially wasting more of my time and our money.

I have to say that our counselor is phenomenal. She is skilled in BPD and has been using the Goettman Method when it comes to our couples counseling. He is home again now staying in our basement and 1 day out since isolating. Things are horrible. He says he doesn't love me but he wants to be friends. In order to be comfortable having him in the house I need him to demonstrate his remorsefulness and be transparent in his activities (this is recommended to heal). If I am being honest I want so badly to be comforted right now. I am at such a horrible low point. Instead he continues to assert that I have treated him so badly over the last few months/years that he cannot apologise to me without me apologising to him first. Initially he was fairly sorry/apologetic but now it is as though that phase is done. If he is going to stay here while we figure things out, which would be nice financially, our kids and actually building friendship, I need to find a way to be comfortable with him. He is now at his worst however and it is distressing.

I think I need to ask him to leave and I think if he is alone he may very well take his life (he has tried before). Right now he is so defensive that he is treating me horribly though and I just can't take it. He is erratic and it is scary. It is like I know what I need to do but it too terrifying.

[SinisterComplex]

Hey Penny, Welcome to the fam.  . Happy you found us as a resource. But, sorry for the circumstances that bring you to us.

No one can tell you what to do obviously. What I will offer up is that you do continue to vent. Ask questions, engage, and try to let go of some of the weight that is sitting on you. This is a tall order for anyone to take on.

For the record, I am divorced and my ex wife did cheat on me so I certainly can understand how you feel and what you may be going through. It isn't easy. I'm glad you have a counselor/therapist though. That will truly go a long to helping you in the long run.

Please continue to post and definitely feel free to post a journal. Whatever it takes to help put you in a better and healthier mental space.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-